It’s one thing to begin to identify you’re the subject of gaslighting, it’s another thing to know absolutely for certain. It can take some time to really move from the first point of becoming aware to knowing beyond doubt your mind is being contorted.
Allow me to say this: there is something incredibly warped with the process of manipulation where the manipulator is projecting an image where they get you to believe, and get you to maintain the belief, that they’re a hero, they’re right, that they’re the good person, that they’re the reliable and trustworthy one — where the reality is the complete opposite. When you’ve come to believe that you’re feeble, of questionable character, that your memory of reality of what’s been said and done is incorrect, you’re being gaslit. Especially if you’re feeling you’re a burden for being accused of, or feeling, mentally unstable; because what you’re constantly being told causes you to think that.
These are some proactive strategies that protect and empower the one being gaslit:
1. Become intensely though privately interested in your truth; that is what you observe with your own eyes and hear with your own ears. Take notes in your mind, and if you can keep a written record, do so, recording actual things that take place — things you say and do, things the gaslighter says and does.
2. When you hear the person gaslighting you — that is they shape-shift the reality of what has happened (what was said and done) and retell the story to suit a reality they’re spinning — take a record of those things, too.
3. Notice what they say or do that is the opposite or a subtle contortion of the reality. Rather than tell them they’re wrong or contest the reality they’re projecting onto you (and possibly others), ask them questions to ‘learn more’ — not about the reality you missed (because you know reality from the lies being spun) — but to literally learn more about how their mind works. Knowledge is power. You can ask questions and remain uncommitted to their truth at the same time. If at any time they seem to get upset by the questions, back off, but also note for your information what seemed to set them off. Be prepared also that you saying nothing to contest their reality will mean to them that you’re agreeing. Expect that. (Nobody wins with a gaslighter.)
4. Get someone objective that you trust to help you reflect on these experiences. To get from beginning awareness to full realisation of what gaslighting involves is a journey. There is a lot to learn. Someone objective will hold what you give them. They will gently affirm your truth and offer wisdom about how to deal with the gaslighting by neither attacking nor escaping.
5. While you’re learning about the particulars of the abuse that’s occurring to you, you’re protected two ways: first, your mind is being protected from further self-doubt and the destruction of gaslighting because of the objective process of investigation you’re undertaking; second, the person gaslighting you doesn’t sense you’re a threat because you appear to be working with their agenda.
6. Even if you’re not being gaslit — that is, your relationships bear that beautiful element that they’re free of psychological manipulation — it doesn’t hurt to be aware of gaslighting. There is a good change all of us have at least one loved one or friend who is or has been gaslit. Commit yourself to being an observer of these dynamics. Ask God in your prayers, “Show me the gaslighting around me so I can learn about it. Open my eyes and ears to see and hear it.”
7. Become a person committed to facts — not those so-called ‘alternative facts’. This means being committed to being a fact-checker. Learn to trust what your eyes see and what your ears hear. Despite what some would have us believe, the eyes and ears don’t lie. The memory of what we see and hear can be trusted.
8. Once the jury’s back in — and you know beyond reasonable doubt — that your truth (your direct memory or account of what’s happened) is being manipulated, let God lead you. It could be that you stay where you are to receive even more power in order not only to protect yourself, but your loved ones also. It could be that you need to up-and-leave, to get out for your and others’ protection.
Remaining in touch with reality is an urgent priority. Whenever our factual reality is questioned over an extended period, consistently, it undermines our mental and cognitive health, and that is the objective of a gaslighter so we become more reliant on the ‘reality’ they’re spinning. Becoming highly observant and even (quietly and astutely) investigative will work for you in paring away lies from truth. If you feel you could be a subject for gaslighting, now is the time to begin privately investing in investigative thinking processes. The key objective of this is to invest in recording reality so you, yourself, can begin to trust your memory, which the gaslighter is undermining.
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