Inescapable grief is the state we’re in when no matter what we do we cannot escape feelings of loss, anguish, hopelessness and despair. It characterises the grief process and gives meaning to what grief actually is — when we’re in it, for whatever timeframe, we cannot escape the kind of existential crisis that really does threaten our lives.
This article is about the kind of response we can all make even as we grow and blossom through a time that feels hellish. Growing and blossoming might be the last thing in our view when we think of grief, but if we traverse this space with faith, we can actually emerge afterwards, and even within it, with tools, strategies and an approach that serves us well in the new normal we find ourselves in.
Levels, degrees and manifestation within Inescapable Grief
It is advised at this point to spend some time in the various levels and degrees of the human response to loss. Many of us will recover from the most brutal aspects of loss from anywhere between a few months to a couple of years.
Typically between 2-6 months is the feature of the rawness of grief, where we experience panic attacks, the prevalence of anxiety, clinical depression in some cases, and certainly many depressed days, bouts of anger, constant bargaining for life to return to normal, and even strong moments of accepting the status quo.
Like the seasons, all these seasons can come in one day or even one period of time, and it can be exhausting. Added to this is the feature of change; so much is to be adapted to, which only serves to intensify the grief. The loss of friendships, or the change in their dynamic, and even the loss of whole friendship groups, including vital supports, sends us reeling in response, and this is only one example of many that occurs within the change paradigm we undergo in loss.
If only it were loss that created the grief; the fact is, loss brings change and that aggravates our situation and doubles our pain.
Journeying Patiently?
The first response we have when we come to read the title of this article from the perspective of loss is, how?
How on earth am I meant to journey patiently through something that feels like torture, when every fibre of my being is screaming for relief. It’s always the one-trillion-dollar question.
One of the redeeming features of grief (if you can stay with me here) is that we’re kept in it, firstly by the fact of what/who we have lost, and secondly by the fact our situation isn’t changing (back). On the one hand, being kept in it by our circumstances can leave us thinking God doesn’t care. Truly it’s not God’s prerogative to rescue us from our circumstances. God’s prerogative is, was, and always will be to rescue us from the cost of our rebellion against God through Jesus’ salvific act on the cross and through the hope of new life via the resurrection. This is enough. God’s grace is eternally enough. When we accept this is enough, and it isn’t an easy process, though it is usually given to us as a miraculous grace, we can begin to imagine life beyond the present situation we cannot change.
This is the opportunity of our lifetime; that is to come to a supernatural acceptance of that which cannot be changed. Because it cannot be changed, the only option we have is to accept it; and that, there, is the opportunity of journeying patiently. The fullness of this journey is maturity. If we can realise this more and more in our spiritual gait, we will become more and more spiritually invincible, broken by suffering, but redeeming it in a hope that can never be destroyed.
Journeying patiently through inescapable grief — however long it lasts for — is the purpose of the loss we experience. God has something huge for us to embrace when we’re transported out of a banal life into a life that nobody would choose, but that which acutely exemplifies the life of our Lord — and that’s where the deeper, more abundant life is!
I would argue that the ONLY true freedom in this life is on the OTHER side of grief; when finally, we resolve each day to journey patiently — with ourselves, others, God.
One of the biggest misnomers about recovering from grief is that it takes time to heal the wounds. It’s not so much that; it takes us time to grow in patience — with ourselves, with others, with life, and with God. It can take years. But thankfully it’s not something we’re under pressure to master. Life has a way of giving us time to adapt, and it’s usually more time than we think we’ll need.
Journey patiently.
Photo by Fabien BELLANGER on Unsplash
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