Saturday, March 16, 2024

Chaplaincy in the First Responder Wellness Context

One of the tenets of faith is peace expressed as peace with self and peace with others. The olive branch is a symbol of peace, and so is the cross.

Chaplaincy is a faith-based expression of care still not that well known.

Peace is central in chaplaincy, but there are other imperatives also, like truth in terms of safety, and presence, which is particularly felt through the empathy, unity (integrity and inclusivity), and humility in the chaplain’s presence.

Search and you’ll find that in peace and in presence—in empathy, unity, and humility—is safety. Chaplaincy is safety and wellbeing. Where there is truth, there within it is safety.

Chaplains speak truth to power succinctly but they are not the change agent. They are the informant, they bring truth to those who should know, including to those they care for. Chaplains are messengers. Chaplains accept they don’t know all the truth, but they are committed to sharing the truth they know—they are healers, watchers, encouragers.

Chaplains are safe, trustworthy, reliable. They carry and bring peace. They are important workers not only in trauma and grief, but in healing division.

Chaplains are workers, not unlike worker bees who serve a queen. Human chaplains serve and honour their chain of command.

Chaplaincy is acute care in crisis, and as a modality of care, it fits perfectly in the first responder space. The chaplain is a minister of religion but they’re not “religious”—they are not the archetypal God-botherer. Chaplains are pastors, shepherds at heart.

Modern Wellness is a blend of healing modalities for body, mind, and spirit. Chaplaincy provides pastoral care, safe presence in crisis, ceremonial functions, mediation in conflict, and journey encouragement.

Chaplains offer wisdom and are to strive to be beyond reproach. As peacemakers, chaplains model reconciliation, particularly leading by example through humility in apology.

Finally, chaplains offer something of an answer where there are no answers. They validate that there are many of life’s questions without answers. Chaplains model acceptance and they put courage into those they help.

Image: myself as a first responder (chlorine release drill) in 1997.


Friday, March 8, 2024

The Flow-Burnout Continuum


I’ve experienced burnout a few different ways, but thankfully nothing like some whose lives have become completely derailed for a year or more.  My bouts into the darkest storm of exhaustion were often fleeting little seasons of several weeks.  Not that it’s a competition.

But I’ve also experienced burnout’s opposite: FLOW.

Flow is a state of poetry in motion, that place of being where thought has been somehow replaced with a symbiosis with action.  Like touch-typing these words; hardly a thought.  It is intent trained into the moment, a symphony of action where consciousness melds into the present where action is joy and peace.

Burnout is probably the worst depression.  For me it was accompanied with a loss of mind; I lost my ability to cogitate.  Mental exhaustion that completely swept over my body and left me wrecked.  With all defences down, one is vulnerable to all manner of attack.

Everyone should experience burnout’s opposite, flow.  It is the best of humanity.  It is pure confidence but nothing brash.  Utter humility and connection with gratitude for the gift flow is.

For me flow is about being in the absolute right place and right time in your life, functional in every possible way, succeeding without a single doubt.  As a Christian, it’s doing things absolutely in God’s strength—no external effort.

The benefit of flow is there’s so much that can actually be done without any sense of exhaustion—there may be tiredness but not exhaustion.  It’s a way of living where every day counts with cognisance that our days will be over one day.  That fact ought to humble every single one of us… but it also motivates us to do what can only be done now.

For the one suffering burnout.  Recover from today, one day at a time.  One thing being in burnout teaches us; our craving for burnout’s opposite, flow.

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

Understanding Four Responses to Every Problem

Biblically, there are four responses to every problem. This thesis occurs in all our lives each time we encounter a problem. Test this: the paradigm doesn’t only apply to spiritual decisions.

Before we delve into the four A’s of human response to problems, let us consider how hard it is to respond the right way to problems. Sometimes we are too tired to respond the right way. Sometimes we are too proud. Other times we are too confident. Still at other times we are too lazy.

A warning for you as you decide at this point whether you will read any further. Try to see your responses of personal control hindering you reading on. If you read this through it will take five minutes — could be worth it.

Looking back over a lifetime, we understand our humanity – human to human – we ALL have regrets (if we are honest) for decisions we made that meant we sowed negative consequences for ourselves and others. This is in context of:

The purpose of life is doing the right thing.

When we understand this imperative,
we commence a journey of discipleship,
understanding we need guidance.

The beauty in acknowledging our proclivity
for doing wrong is we are humbled enough —
when we are honest —
to follow a better example: Jesus,
the Author and Finisher of our faith.

Doing the right thing in a sustained way
cannot come from within one’s person —
the truth of life is we ALL need a Helper.

Christian discipleship is not just about honouring God. It is about honouring others, too. Achieving these two aims, God honours us. The evidence of this is the “inside job” of joy we are granted when we do the right thing. And, most persuasively, it has a positive, kind impact in another person’s life.

Some examples of effects of doing the right thing:

·        People feel neither judged nor condemned but accepted and loved.

·        There is a heartfelt acceptance for one’s own limits.

·        People are considered and feel considered even if their needs are not met.

·        There is insight, power, and capacity to right wrongs. Yes, a wrong can be righted.

Now, let us explore these four A’s of human response to problems.

I reference the Jesus teaching of the Sower Parable explained, cf., Mark 4:13-20 — where this article is inspired from:

Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? The farmer sows the word. Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

FOUR RESPONSES TO EVERY PROBLEM

From the Parable of the Sower, we can find four responses that we all make, and these — like each encounter of the seed — describe our every response and help us understand WHY we have responded these ways.

These below are the continuum of responses before we investigate them:

ARROGANCE – AVOIDANCE – AMBIVALENCE – ACCEPTANCE

Note in the Parable of the Sower that there are three negative or poor responses and only one positive or right response. Knowing this helps us understand that navigating problems and doing the right thing is harder than it seems.

Let us tackle these in the order that Jesus does — first comes the “taking away of the word (or ‘good thing’)” and I would call what this response looks like as ARROGANCE.

Arrogance has no time to even consider the problem. Its first reptilian response is the right one, supposedly. The response is one of aberrant folly, of not considering the problem with any thought whatsoever, a way of living without conscience, without insight, without recourse; a way of living as if one is the fount of all knowledge and wisdom. Sounds ridiculous but think of prideful responses that simply reveal a feeling of being threatened, so the threat is met with a threat. Not wise.

Arrogance ought to be self-evident of its own error, but the arrogant are beyond insight. What ought to be seen as a strength — the capacity of reflection — is seen as a weakness to the misguided. So much more could be said, but that is not the thrust of this article.

The next response is AVOIDANCE, a place where theorising is no match for the pragmatic. Concepts and ideals do not translate into action and change. An irretrievable disconnect enters the mind and the life of the person trapped in this paradox. They would love to do the right thing consistently, but consistency (ironically) is the bridge too far, the great divide, the frustration of a person who would love to have the resolve to be different. The avoidant person exemplifies what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. They want to do the right thing but can’t.

The next response is AMBIVALENCE which is where worries, greed, and desires for other things choke our commitment to doing the right thing. This is where it might seem that we are being positive and responding the right way, but the motivation is extrinsic and essentially our heart’s not in it. We may do the right thing, but we can’t sustain it.

It is important now to differentiate that the key difference between ambivalence and the next stage response (acceptance) is the heart. Ambivalence is all outward appearance with a lot of ‘fake it till you make it’ about it. Heart is all about motivation. Intrinsic motivation cannot be faked.

Heart is all about motivation.
Ambivalence lacks sincerity motive.

~

Acceptance is a state of peace
that propagates peace — a godly peace.

Who can change a heart but God?
This gets back to US needing help.

Where we are all called to arrive in life is a place of ACCEPTANCE. That is, for every reason, for every season, for every life. That is right. Acceptance is that place of peace for doing the right thing, moment to moment, in series, for a lifetime — bearing for our imperfections. Indeed, acceptance is crucial for overcoming our perfectionism, a common problem many people wrestle with.

Examples of acceptance are:

·          Realising that the world is not against me, even though it can appear that way.

·          Understanding that if we are to gain anything from something hard, we need to make a hard choice.

·          Recognising that perfection is the enemy of the good — accepting this and expressing a compassionate acceptance with ourselves and others.

·          A resilient hope abiding in the commitment of ‘doing the right thing.’

·          A commitment to others that reconciliation is the abiding hope for those who partake.

·          A grace we give to ourselves and others that sustains hope beyond all despair – the summation of faith.

·          Understanding and living in the power of letting go of that which we cannot control. This is the fullest grasp of peace.

·          The core of acceptance is a sole focus on what I think, say, and do, and being accountable for it, and not being drawn into accounting for others’ behaviours and choices.

SUPREME GOAL OF LIFE – DOING THE RIGHT THING

Anytime we are not motivated to do the right thing in our lives, we are missing the best life for ourselves and others. Not only that but we are doing harm. Doing harm is against life’s design.

The Parable of the Sower shows us there is only one way of right living. Only one way where the privilege and honour of life is taken seriously enough to strive to do the right thing.

The motive of doing the right thing will drive us out of bed into the day of going out to do what CAN be done. There is a life to be lived, for the privilege and honour of life given to a mortal person.

Yes, it is hard at times, but the goal of life is the betterment of times, living peaceably in acceptance.

Acceptance as a way of life returns a handsome yield, a crop that is a lasting legacy for generations.

Saturday, November 25, 2023

A biblical answer to the conundrum of grief


As fact would have it, there is a biblical answer to the world’s search to reconcile the conundrum of grief.  It is heavily aligned to common psychological therapy concepts, but people only go there if there is no other way.  

To loss, there is no answer.  

Loss, by definition, is beyond reconciliation.

Humankind has tried many answers, including the concepts of closure and acceptance.  But, of course, these concepts are limited in their power; some people can’t access them, and for those who can, it still isn’t a perfect answer.

The best validation, for every person who cannot reconcile their loss, who continues to grieve, is to read the simple words with a metaphorical nod:

“Your experience of grief is real, it is true,
and it is beyond words and defies platitudes. 
The cause and depth of your grief in loss
is commensurate with your love.”

WE GRIEVE BECAUSE WE LOVE

The biblical answer to grief is lament: that common sense method of facing the pain, honouring the truth of it.  Pain begs to be noticed.  It hates being relegated.  

The more we relegate our pain, the more
it rises up insisting it be acknowledged.

If we accept that our pain must be seen, we open space for our pain to be valued, even cherished.  It isn’t too much of a stretch to say that we can “consider it pure joy” (James 1:2-4) because pain as it is faced has an eternal purpose.

But the world cannot and will not
reconcile such an understanding. 
And it thereby refuses the only thing
within its control to reconcile it.

When we lament, we allow the pain its place, and giving pain its place means we must do something with it.  When we cannot deny our pain, we’re forced to make meaning from it.

So, what can we do with our pain to extract meaning from it?

As we face our pain, we also face the inevitability that once it’s noticed, pain invites us on a journey of meaning-making.

PAIN AND REMEMBRANCE

One such meaning-making exercise is the cherished tradition of remembering or remembrance.  The Christian sacrament of holy communion is characterised in remembrance.

There is no clearer way of honouring pain than through remembrance because remembrance is facing.  Remembrance is intentionality of purpose.  

Remembrance says, “It happened and it matters, and indeed, by remembering, I draw strength from solemnity as I honour the truth, those who have gone before, and what has been lost.”

Remembrance in and of itself draws hope and purpose from not being able to reconcile.  It accepts what it cannot change, and indeed it celebrates what is lost.  

By remembering, what is lost is retained. 
By remembering, what is gone is accessible. 
By remembrance, what is no more is honoured.

There is a biblical answer to the conundrum of grief,
and that answer is closer than we think.  

Pain ought not be painful, but it can
be a direct invitation doorway to life.


Thursday, October 12, 2023

It’s good to know, the world owes me nothing


Just reading the title ‘the world owes me nothing’ can be triggering for some people, and many people will have a problem with it.


If we want a mindset that works in life, we could do far worse than adopt the mindset that the world owes us nothing. Nobody owes us anything. From such a mindset, we accept what comes our way and we work to establish what we can, and we do not resent anything that supposedly comes against us. It is a powerful self-concept to nurture.


The fact is, life is unfair. 


You only have to ask the person who has worked diligently and has led an honest life who is dying of cancer. There are many who have been bankrupted through no fault of their own, yet they are blessed to accept that the world owes them nothing, because it causes them to rebound the best they can. 


We always need to ask, if we are living responsibly, if we have made a contribution to our misfortune. If we haven’t, we must remind ourselves the world owes us nothing. It is the common potential plight of all to suffer poor luck.


When we have expectations,
those expectations stand to be dashed. 

Not all expectations are realistic.


It’s the person who continues to walk
like a clock in a thunderstorm,
steadily and faithfully,
who leads a resilient life.


THE SCOURGE OF ENTITLEMENT 


From a position of expecting nothing from the world we negate all tyranny of entitlement. Entitlement is a spiritual, mental, and emotional cancer, and besides real cancer that kills the body, entitlement kills relationships and lives. 


Let us live free of entitlement, so we
are not a curse to ourselves and others.


But we live in a day where entitlement reigns in individual lives and in corporate systems. Nobody can be content living a life of entitlement, just as it brings anxiety to others’ lives.


I am involved in conversations every single day trying to help those who have fallen into the trap of entitlement. What do I say when I’m helping people stuck in this cursed thinking? 


I would prefer not to have to say anything. And then I am reminded of how quickly I fall into the trap. It is a trap common to all. And if you don’t think you are ever entitled, I would invite you to read the book The Entitlement Cure by Dr John Townsend (2015). This book describes the concept of a pocket entitlement, because we all have pockets of entitlement in our life, even if we are not characterised as entitled.


THE BEST THING WE CAN DO


The best way to live for ourselves and others
is to live as if the world owes us absolutely nothing. 

If we want power, the only power available,

it’s right there, in the acceptance of what is!


Remembering that this is a theory, and accepting that we will still battle when we don’t get what we want, we can keep coming back to this concept of living that helps us in every way.


When we acknowledge that the world owes us nothing, and we can live accepting this harsh truth, we take responsibility for what is ours, and we take less responsibility for what is somebody else’s to deal with.


The most direct path to joy is the gratitude
that comes from being thankful for what we have
because we are not focused on what we don’t have.


Focusing on what is good in our lives negates focus for what isn’t so good. It’s paradoxically ironic that some of our worst times deliver space for reflections in gratitude. 


Grief, for instance, opens our eyes to the suffering in the world, and God builds within us powerful capacities of empathy because of what we’ve suffered.


We are broadened and deepened emotionally and
spiritually through the life experiences of hardship.


Hardship is (or can be) an antidote to entitlement.


Trials remind us that we cannot control anything more than our own thoughts and actions in this world. 


Why would we resent such a fact when everybody else exists in the same reality?


Resenting what we cannot change is a form of insanity.


Shaking our fist at anyone or at God for that matter over these issues is folly.

But there is great wisdom and accepting what we cannot change.


The epitome of humanity is accepting the status quo
with joy, whatever the status quo is.

It’s a goal worth striving for.

Saturday, September 30, 2023

20 years later, I thank God for Mum


Tonight 20 years ago was again one of my loneliest nights.  It is actually difficult to comprehend from 20 years later just how much pain I was enduring and how much courage I showed in that season emerging from a life shattered by marriage betrayal, rejection, and failure.

Somehow, even though it did happen, the evidence of one’s healing is there are only good memories of a time when I actively did everything I could to recover from grief, despair, betrayal, depression, panic attacks, and alcoholism.  Somehow I’ve lost touch with the pain of it all, though I don’t forget how painful it was, if that even makes sense.

Back then, my mother was a rock of support.  As was Dad.  But since we lost Mum last year, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the incredible woman she was.  Mum didn’t take sides or play favourites, and this is why she was the best mother.  She was fair, knew what was right, and her and Dad were strands made of the same cord of integrity.

The pain I went through in that period of my life, and the burden that my parents (and particularly Mum) bore, cannot be put into words.  Day after day, for months, and in reality, the flux lasted years.  Nobody ever tells you when you become a parent what it will cost you.  I saw the labour of love my Mum invested in those tremulous days, each of them fraught with the nagging worry that one day I might lose all hope—let’s face it, the pain of divorce is too much for many people.

As I consider the many words in cards and other memorabilia that my Mum left me, I read her poignant words with a piqued insight, astonished at what she went through because of what I went through.

20 years to the day when I went to the Royal Show with my family and left alone, Mum remarks how the happiness she saw in me to be with my family earlier in the day had morphed into a life-questioning depression by evening when I returned.  No doubt at the time I was so heavily in my own fearful grief that I may not have discerned Mum’s, but I can only imagine the vicarious pain she was enduring—her and Dad—each and every day through that hellish season.

The trouble as I look back is my first initial recovery took nine months, and then I entered another transition that, from my parents’ viewpoint, provided concerns of a different kind.  I was over the initial grief, but I was still so off balance.  I got so heavily involved in the church that I began to lose sight of my daughters’ needs, but yet again, my parents filled that gap, until another whole year (or more) had passed, and I realised the mistake I was making.  But I acknowledge now, reflecting on what my Mum wrote me at the time, just how much Mum did to be a mother to my daughters, and all she and Dad did to hold us all together.

20 years to the particular night, with Mum now deceased nearly 14 months, I pay respect to what she did for me, one of her three children.

If you are a parent of an adult child grieving and you relate to holding that insurmountable burden, please know that no matter how painful it is, it is worth it, for you would give anything to support your kin.

If you are the one amid the pain of the deepest imaginable grief, hold on, for it will be worth it in the end.  Endure one day, one hour, one minute, at a time, and try as much as you can to connect with what you can still be grateful for.  I don’t say that to make you feel bad, but when you are enduring grief you NEED gratitude to cling to, for in gratitude is at least the mirage of hope.

20 years on I am so thankful for the life I have now.

IMAGE: Happier times.  Mum with my eldest daughter, her eldest grandchild in 1993.