“Come on, love, just look on the bright side.” “Focus on what you CAN control, not on what you can’t.” “It won’t be like this forever, darling.” “Look at all the things you’ve got to be grateful for.”
Have you heard any of these kinds of statements?
Ever felt they were a bit off?
Not everyone has heard of what’s termed “toxic positivity” and so my objective with this article is to introduce it and explain why being “positive” can be problematic, even harmful.
But I also want to bridge a gap I see in today’s society where the term can at times be a cop out—an excuse to languish when one might otherwise have and take more control than they do.
I want to attempt to straddle the divide I see between people who want to help and empower (the idealists) but might ultimately harm others by being toxically positive, and people who are so realistic that they may inhibit any chance of healthy challenge and growth.
There’s an important midpoint to be reached
between being toxically positive and pessimistically stuck.
The key issue that makes positivity toxic is when it’s not nuanced to the situation via sufficient situational empathy. Notice how the same thing can be said to a person, yet with a different tone and with or without acuity of empathy and both ways of saying it are worlds apart?
In an empathetic context, saying “Just stay within those things you can control,” might be perfectly appropriate. If it’s only a little part of what’s happening in the overall care being offered. Indeed, the truth in such a statement can be a pivotal focus point for the person who’s suffering, and because it’s framed as the minor thing within a major frame of empathy it’s considered helpful.
But when a statement is thrown out there in isolation, one that would otherwise be true, yet in the absence of a context of caring conversation where the person feels cared for, for example, “Come on, look at the bright side...,” that positivity is toxic.
The person being cared for is the only one who can
judge whether that care is effective or not.
It’s important that whatever positive, affirming, encouraging things are said are said in the context of something bigger so they aren’t said without care and concern for how they apply. The “advice” is always the minuscule part of the care.
What is most revealing about all this is WHO engages in toxic positivity. Whomever does engage in a flippant remark devoid of taking the time to care marks themselves as someone unworthy of being trusted for further support.
That’s the way pastoral care works;
we earn respect and are trusted only when we earn that trust.
It’s fair enough in a role where it’s not about us;
it’s about the one we’re serving who is suffering.
The person who listens to understand, who is trusted enough to give their gift of empathy, this person usually has earned the role of mentioning encouraging positives.
They’ve taken the time to learn what will be helpful from what won’t be.
They know what will actually be positive, and being empathetic, if they overreach in giving the positive, they’ll discern this and promptly apologise.
What grates most about toxic positives is they’re a pretence to care. Toxic positives have the appearance of care without being caring, and indeed they reveal scant empathy.
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