Some of the more powerful principles in life are very subtle. The one I’m discussing here might not be obvious for everyone, but once you have experienced it personally you recognise how powerful this principle is.
The problem of abuse doesn’t just surround the realities of abuse that are actually suffered. It is just as much (and oftentimes more) about the potential future suffering, the unknowns, that many survivors of abuse must deal with. The weirdest things can trigger memory of previous trauma. But besides this, the potential for worse acts lingers large on the palate of the survivor’s mind.
Acts of abuse are often horrendous, but it’s the frightening potential that overwhelms the sufferer even more. Such thoughts leave the sufferer of the abuse, without assurance of safety, in the land of torment for what might flow on, given that they and/or others have often been groomed (and I mean gradually ‘seduced’ i.e., systematically and intentionally deceived) and brought along in such a way that the sufferer of abuse can detect a trajectory that rivals nightmare proportions.
For those who have never suffered abuse, and particularly the kind of abuse that is hidden from others, as a lot of abuse is, it can be hard to comprehend or even to convince you just how palpable the power is that sees anxiety in the survivor reach overwhelming proportions. There are visceral and bodily responses that cannot be avoided. There is the constant overwhelm in the mind of the survivor, as they can’t escape scenarios of greater harm. There is a sense of hypervigilance not only in the presence of the offender, but also just about much more in their absence, because even through absence the thought of future offending/suffering breeds anxiety. There are knowns with presence, and with absence the unknowns are often worse.
It’s not just the reality suffered that affects abuse survivors; it’s the potential harm that could occur at any time in the future, and not just the harm from the person who has harmed them, but other more generic forms of harm are feared. Indeed, hypervigilance comes to be trained into the body, and the mind is so often very unaware.
The mere possibility of a threat is often enough to cause enough angst in a survivor that bleeds out into bodily responses borne of anxiety and mindful escapades of preoccupation which all equate to the resonance of pain.
This is something that the broader world needs to understand more about. These are the untenable effects of trauma suffered by survivors of abuse, where the only way that the sufferer can be served is through careful attentiveness and listening; through abiding and believing, and through processes of unequivocal respect that build trust upon trust — safety in a word.
Through such a trusting process to respect the sufferer in believing them and just to walk alongside them is often enough for them to feel safe, because there is a burning desire within most if not all of us to want to be healed of our maladies. And even if the person we journey with isn’t interested in healing, we must accept this reality, knowing the pain may be too enormous; by accepting them as they are, we cause the least harm. It is enough to journey faithfully with them.
If it’s ourselves, if we can find people who we can trust, who can journey with us, who can help us to heal by letting us be, we may well find a door to healing open to us.
Photo by Bjhelyn Tanacio on Unsplash
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