I was not going to be writing so soon but feel this is pressing to be written. If a person is caught in a sin and they balk from the work of recovery we, or more appropriately, they and we, have a real problem. Those who abuse people and refuse to be held to account, please take note (though I know in 99% of situations, for abusers, that will fall on deaf ears).
This article comes to you via an incredible movement of the Spirit in a person I’d counselled who had hit rock bottom. In a relatively short space of time, God had been deeply at work in him; no credit to him other than to allow God to do it, and no credit to me other than to provide some guidance. It was all God and the mercies of heavenly grace that are poured out on all in copious measure if only we would turn toward the truth. I can tell you that there have been more times than I can count where the suggestion I’m making below was balked at, and the person who could’ve been healed and transformed, wasn’t, because they refused to go there; they didn’t think they were anywhere near that deep in the mire; they were not desperate enough, and they inevitably continued to sink. No rock bottom, yet! And those they abused got no relief! — in fact, they suffered more immeasurably.
When we’re faced with an ugly truth, an exposing truth, a truth that threatens to floor us in guilt and/or shame, we’re quickly tempted to run. Standing on a precipice, we run, or we wrestle. Too many people who have propagated abuse run. Rare is it that they wrestle. If only they did, there, in them and those they’d hurt, would be testimony of transformation, healing, wholeness, peace.
You may have heard of the element of God’s work to ‘sift’ us, usually through others, and certainly by the circumstances of life that meet us — mostly those we’re least prepared for. Sifting is the testing nature of the Holy Spirit, to convict us. It is loving action, but it is hard; it’s the pouring of contempt on our pride.
When it comes to working with those who are deep in a struggle that won’t shift unless they take drastic measures, sifting is necessary, and front-and-centre there is Step 4 of the Twelve Step program: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
The incredible reality that people find when they wrestle is that the ugly, exposing, guilt-and-shame-laden truths that threatened to floor them can be reconciled in a moment. Well, perhaps that moment may take a little while, but as we look back it’s a blip in time. God always replaces that gripping fear of guilt and shame with the cherished presence of peace in drawing near to the one who confesses as David did in Psalm 51. From the ugly secondary emotions of denial and anger, in simply facing the truth, healing is procured, and the result is those ugly secondary emotions disappear and what is left are the beautiful primary fearless emotions, like, for just one example, godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10).
We either wrestle with God or we run from God. We either wrestle with our sin or we run from wrestling. One way or the other. No middle ground. And there comes a time in all our lives when we are given the choice to run back to God or to run away.
When a person is faced with the opportunity to conduct a fearless moral inventory, presuming there is a serious issue to be worked through, and abuse is a good example of this, the person stands on a precipice.
Those who overcome their pride and fear stand to be healed and transformed, and through them, God brings enormous healing and relief to those they have abused, if only they would repent. And, indeed, those who do repent stand very much to be forgiven, and certainly from a biblical standpoint, where there is genuine contrition and changes in the heart and behaviour. Hearts soften toward mercy when justice is done.
A fearless moral inventory is a process that takes time and a true, unrelenting searching, “God, show me where I’ve gone wrong in all the areas of my life.” It can take weeks, even months, to do this step. When I did it back in 2003, it took me two months of pretty much daily work. Yet, only the one who receives the conviction of the Holy Spirit will go the way of wrestling rather than running.
Ultimately, just a suggestion that one is to do a fearless moral inventory will sift the narcissist from the genuine disciple. The genuine disciple, no matter how bad their wrongs have been, will respond, they will turn, and they will begin to wrestle, and they will wrestle until the work of God in them is done. The narcissist, however, will balk and run, even if they do promise to begin the work. There is no hope for this one, for they don’t have the capacity, yet, to be honest. We must pray for the rock bottom so they and the others they hurt can be freed.
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