Sunday, June 28, 2020

What makes empaths most vulnerable to narcissists?

Relational or interpersonal psychology involves many nuances.  These are things we can study deeply over a lifetime and still never fully grasp.  Part of the complexity is we are not dealing just with a dynamic between two or more persons, but we are dealing with many hidden dynamics within individual persons, not least ourselves.  These are enigmas upon paradoxes upon conundrums.  Imagine if only we had a fuller command over our own deficiencies — awareness of same — and the courage and capacity to overcome these deficiencies.  Alas, life is never that easy.  But this is the quest of discipleship or growth over the lifespan.
We have come to consider the narcissist a person full of catastrophic shame, a person given to an illogicality of weakness; i.e. someone who may present anything but weakness and shame in image, but a person who is unable to identify their self-pathology, and is not the least bit interested, thank you very much.  We may idealise the empath — the narcissist’s opposite who is all too often attracted to and by the narcissist.  But the empath, too, has their weaknesses.  And these weaknesses of the empath run beyond the narcissist-empath dynamic to creating problems in their relationships with those people who are not narcissists.
The idea I want to explore here is the much often unconsidered point that empaths can be prone to a blind spot involving, or all things, pride, where they believe their empathy has the power to transform a narcissist.  Where they’ll admit this — that they hope upon an outrageous possibility that they, themselves, can fix people — they may ultimately overcome their pipedream and escape from or learn to safely endure the relationship.  This is not the only reason empaths are vulnerable to narcissists, but this reason may be core to empaths losing control of their ability to be realistic about their relationship with the narcissist.
Before we go into the empath-narcissist dynamic, let us explore what an empath is.
WHAT IS AN EMPATH?
The simplest definition of an empath is that they are capable of much empathy.  But there is so much more to recognise.  They are capable of sensing or intuiting what other people are feeling, and in feeling what others are feeling with compassion, they are able to empathise.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that all empaths are healthy individuals or always healthy, because these resources of care can often be deployed through the breaking of boundaries, through manipulating situations by intruding, for instance, where others (non-narcissistic types) would prefer not to be ‘read’.
The ideal example here is the empath who feels convinced someone is suffering when the person themselves is convinced that they aren’t.  That kind of ‘empathy’ is not a blessing.  This comes from what psychologists call a hyperactivated attachment system.  The empath can become fixated on attachment, when, in many situations, people don’t desire such a bond.  It is unwelcome.
Empaths are also so highly agreeable (a psychological measure of personality) that they people-please, and they are also their own worst critic, which is a real problem in relationships with narcissists, because narcissists exist to blame others.  The empath, therefore, stands condemned.  Being that their default is to self-criticise, they will accept and even wear the narcissist’s unfair criticism.
I hope you can see that being an empath is not always the logical better person than the narcissist.  Indeed, the empath serves as food for the narcissist.
THE EMPATH-NARCISSIST DYNAMIC
Empaths are easy prey for narcissists, because each meets the other’s need in the unhealthiest of ways.  The narcissist needs an alter-ego, and the empath provides it when they give ascent to the tragic bond.  Within the early idealisation of the relationship, where the narcissist is particularly charming, a strong bond is developed with a dangerous person where the empath usually has very little insight into what they’re getting into.  It feels wonderful and red flags are ignored.
When it comes to empaths who are in relationships with narcissists, there is the temptation to several problematic dynamics.  One of these is to see how they may begin to believe that they have such Jesus qualities in them that they can actually heal the narcissist.  Of course, this is a dangerous belief to nurture, because it keeps us hopeful for change in a person or people who by hook and by crook won’t change, and it keeps us in potentially dangerous relationships, when humility would have us face the reality that we cannot change people.  Only God can change people.  Let’s linger there.
ONLY GOD CAN CHANGE PEOPLE
God changes people by convicting their heart, by convincing them of their need to change for themselves, by themselves, through a power they can only access through a commitment to change.
The sad reality that we are all wise to accept is that, though everyone has the capacity to change, most people never change.  Everyone dabbles with it, change.  But few surrender to it.  And yet, we can all change — if it’s in our heart to change.  But the narcissist, by their very nature as the most obstinate of persons, cannot and will not change.  By definition the narcissist expects everyone else to change.
ADVICE FOR ALL EMPATHS
The best thing for an empath is to be real about both their weaknesses and their limitations.  Empaths are so attracted to relationship they are prone to creating unwelcomed bonds with non-narcissists and dangerous bonds with narcissists.
Sure, empathy is a great and godly quality to bear in the personality, and it is potentially great for others, but it is much more likely in a relational dynamic with a narcissist for an empath to have their life sucked out of them than for them to transform a person through their empathy.
We must remember that empaths attract narcissists, or perhaps it’s better put, narcissists seek out empaths.  Empaths need to be aware of this, and just as much be ready and disciplined around boundaries.  Empaths need to be very careful not to overstep boundaries in relationships with people who aren’t narcissists.
The empath has in themselves a weakness, a blind spot.  Paradoxically, this blind spot is the pride that believes, in some sort of Messiah-complex way, that they can transform the narcissist into becoming a caring, loving person.  Of course, this is a fallacy, and a very dangerous one at that.  Such a hope will inevitably be dashed.


No comments: