Pastoring in the situation of, “Don’t ask... just yet”

In pastoral ministry, the eyes often have it.  What I mean by this is there are many things that are communicated just with the eyes — to be discerned by the eyes and the accompanying body language — and what I describe in this article is an example.

Think of a time when you walk past somebody and they seek out your attention but with the express purpose to defer your attention.

They are trying to communicate something to you before you even start communicating.  In this case, they anticipate a specific kind of question or interaction that they may not be in a position to invest in.  For this recent instance, it would have been a question like, “How are you doing... [and secondarily] how did what we chatted about go for you?”

It is a highly nuanced form of communication,
whereby the person says, “Don’t ask… just yet.”

They need to communicate, but they cannot communicate at the time, because in their need to communicate, they know they will be emotional, or they know that it’ll be a protracted conversation, and they know that just now is not the right time.

So, pastorally, this look in the eye is a significant communication, and always worth a follow-up, at the right time, but again, never forced, never with influence, never a coercion.  It may be an hour later or a day or two, but the person is saying, “Please do follow up with me, just not right now.”

I will always make a mental note of those non-verbal communications that speak so much more poignantly and powerfully than any verbal communication ever could.  Discerning these is ninety percent of communication.

At these times, when the emotions can easily flow over into sobs of panic or despair or anguish or even discovery or revelation, or there is far too much to discuss in just a few minutes, there are no words, just a look, especially when there are others around that aren’t privy to the matter and don’t belong in that space.

It’s necessary to accept this avoidance of interaction that may tip the person over the edge into an undignifying loss of control or protect them from another kind of exposure where they simply need to defer the interaction until the right opportunity arises.

It isn’t an avoidance technique.  It is more appropriately the wise apportionment of time.

If we were to discern it differently, and to think that they were avoiding the contact, we could easily barge in and do enormous damage, particularly because they either feel exposed within themselves, in the company of others, or don’t feel free enough, or even a combination of these or more.  We could easily overstep the delicate boundaries that exist within the tensions of an otherwise healthy therapeutic relationship.

The person being ministered to is always in charge of the pastoral relationship; not the other way around, which quickly becomes abuse.

If at any time they don’t feel it’s helpful, we are wise, and duty bound to listen.  Discerning them is the most important discernment.  That’s true listening.  And we can’t say we have discerned them well if we act on information they disagree with.  Our ministry must always be in agreement with their spirit and perception of things as they’re personally concerned.

This is how it would be with Jesus, and if we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus, it will be our primary concern.

Photo by Howard Bouchevereau on Unsplash