What many Christians miss about the abuse dynamic

Ignorance is probably the most frustrating thing others have to bear about us, and ignorance with intention is possibly the worst sin of all.

One of the pat questions that comes out of exposing an abuser is, “Well, we all sin; we all fall short of the glory of God...” in other words, “You hypocrite, for pointing out someone else’s sin.”  If only it were that simple.  I get it.

But it’s not that simple, not by a long shot.

Here’s the key issue: it’s not just the abuser’s abusive behaviour we’re dealing with.  It’s their RESPONSE to being called to account which is the main issue.

Consider biblical David’s ‘affair’ with Bathsheba, which was certainly an abuse of his power; in beckoning the wife of Uriah to his palace; in sleeping with her; in taking another man’s wife and betraying them both; in arranging Uriah to be placed in such great danger he would die.

David engaged in sexual abuse and he also used his power to arrange the murder of the husband of the women he sexually abused.

But........... he repented.  In Psalm 51, we read how David came to understand his plight, having been exposed by the prophet Nathan in 2 Samuel 12.  The psalm is a bitter heart cry before God as a guilty person faces the gallows.  Reading Psalm 51 you get the sense that David GOT the impact of his sin.

Many abusers in our contemporary age are NOT repentant when they’re exposed, and there are very few Nathans in our churches who have the gumption to challenge their ‘king’.

When David repented, he received the earthly consequences of his sin, and that’s something that survivors of abuse need to see as the scales of justice are equalised.  Justice is good for the abuser and the abused alike.

It’s much more likely to be the case that the abuser gets away with it, seeing that they groom their fanboys and fangirls as much as they groom their victims.  In cases where abusers don’t groom their victims, they just take their entitlement and do as they please.

Either way, there is no repentance, no contrition, no brokenness, so henceforth, there is NO forgiveness.  You may argue the toss on this one, perhaps, but there is a ton of biblical evidence to suggest repentance is the precursor of forgiveness — but I’m going off point.

David experienced the forgiveness of God in Psalm 32, but Psalm 51 was the precursor.  Everything hinges on repentance where there’s been sin.

There’s no abuse that’s beyond a victim’s forgiveness provided there’s the justice of repentance.

The fact is the lying and denial of wrongdoing is far, far worse in terms of harm done than the original wrongdoing ever could have procured.

That might seem hard to believe in cases of childhood sexual abuse, but the prolonged time of never having justice done involves myriad threads of untraceable pain.  At least when there’s been a confession, the victim can know they’re not to blame.

Victims of abuse often live between knowing what was done to them was wrong and feeling like they contributed to it.  They get to become eyewitnesses of the worst of evil humanity, where their betrayer often taunts them by their public denials, knowing all that went on initially, feeling entitled to it, and it almost feels from a victim’s viewpoint that the perpetrator is laughing at them, as they continue holding malevolent power.

This is what’s so often lost on those do-gooder Christians who want to remind us that we’re all sinners; they fail to consider the iceberg under the water line of the damage done where there’s no confession, repentance, restitution, and restoration of the victim.

Survivors of abuse literally live for the day when the abuser will say, “Please forgive me.”  When there would be an admission of wrong.  Where there would be understanding of the pain conveyed.  Where they would commit to making amends.

Very sadly, it’s very rare that a victim of abuse will ever get justice.  From God’s viewpoint, that’s not good enough.  Though maybe more important than justice for the victim is healing and restoration, and there is much more than one way to that destination.

Photo by @felipepelaquim on Unsplash