As a minister for Christ, one thing I’ve had to get used to and accept is behaviour from others that lacks transparency. It’s all too easy to judge such behaviour as being manipulative when very often it can be a sign of self-protection.
How else is someone to prevent further abuse and trauma from occurring when they’ve trusted ‘trustworthy’ types before and been stung?
One thing I say to those I’ve had the privilege of mentoring is, “You must assume if people don’t trust you that they have REASON to be guarded. Don’t be offended if they don’t trust you. Take it as your opportunity to be faithful when they’ve not experienced it before. Make sure that you’re WORTHY of their trust... and indeed, that’s your job: to restore in them not only that [people, leaders, managers, clergy types, counsellors] can be trusted, but to give them faith in their own evoked gift of discernment; to trust their gut first and foremost. This is a huge battle for most people who have had harm done to them.”
One sure way to prove trustworthy is being able to be wrong.
In fact, getting it wrong can be a great opportunity. To apologise. If they feel misunderstood, we can own being corrected. It does no harm to be corrected, and when we’re corrected most sincerely, we can cause them to think, “Wow, they seemed to listen; they didn’t shout back at me or abuse me or deny or deflect it. They took it!”
Being capably vulnerable — able to be strong in weakness — is a demonstrative way of building trust.
Even if someone appears to be manipulative, it’s good for us to ask the question: “Are they doing that to protect themselves from harm?” If it’s a chance they are, we have the opportunity of providing that protection — we allow them the latitude they’re seeking for themselves; behaving that way for the time being whilst also praying for a way to gently restore them.
Ultimately, their manipulative behaviour needs to be called, but we don’t do this with words which are direct and offensive. It can be done through the respectful safety of subtle boundaries that make their manipulation less potent and less able to succeed.
This is a protection we afford them, all the while building a solid base of relationship connection and safety with them.
In discerning whether it’s manipulation for protection’s sake or not, we also need to be aware that a lot of manipulation is for no such intent. It’s often manipulation out of entitlement. This is the manipulation of narcissism. This is not the kind of manipulation we can afford to tolerate, because it’s dangerous.
Manipulation such as this has no motive of self-protection-for-vulnerability behind it.
It is a devouring manipulation, aggressive in intent, targeted, locked and loaded on the vulnerable. None of us is beyond being vulnerable in being faced by someone who is bent on having our number.
But the manipulation of a person who does so merely to hold their own, that we can see and know, from perhaps the better equipped position, as simply their volition to square the ledger.
There is nothing wrong with someone protecting themselves when they feel disadvantaged. If only we can discern their feeling vulnerable and do our best to hold them safe.
Pastoral workers have a duty to hold power well, and to allow the more vulnerable to rise to a level where they feel more equal, all the while ensuring the relationship stays safe — that is, it meets the integrity an observer would wish for it.
Part of the role of someone skilled in helping is to hold all interests safely. That is, to expect and to sense for what can feel like manipulation from the vulnerable, to understand its motivation (for protection) and to either call gentle awareness to it or to hold protection for safety sacredly.
The key difference between manipulation and protection is the potential harm it does. Self-protection does little if no harm, revealing a need to equalise the power differential, whereas manipulation feels like a clandestine attack.
Where we can get it wrong is to read self-protection for manipulation and come down hard on the vulnerable to the point where trust is damaged if not destroyed. This does harm when our goal is to do no further harm.
At the risk of overstating it, when a person behaves furtively it can mean they don’t trust you yet.
That’s not a blight against you; it’s good information about just where the relationship is at. It’s an invitation to build more safety patiently through respect and integrity.
It’s not something to get offended about, as if, “Why are you dodging me/playing games with me... why don’t you just trust me?!” This is occasionally a ‘fawn’ response, a common trauma response. Patient gentleness and acceptance of the status quo is crucial. The first building block of healing is trust.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
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