Signs and sounds of therapeutic and abusive silences

Everything good can be weaponised, just as the good can be amazingly good.  It all depends on the orientation of the heart.

There are certain silences that are clearly and obviously abusive — like when you’re frozen out of a community or a conversation without the respect of an explanation.  Or, when it’s within our role or remit to be included on something and all you hear is crickets.  These silences bark like a foghorn and their resonance is an enduring echo.

But there are good and useful silences too, like when we open space for someone to share, when you’re listening, when your heart is oriented to support and care for them.  It’s a key skill in counselling, actually; to know when and how to not butt in and interrupt, to linger into the silence, even and especially into the potentially awkward place of feeling distinctly uncomfortable in allowing the silent seconds to tick on by without allowing anxiety to break the sanctity.  That’s a hard thing to do, but at times it’s into these silences that people speak very important things, and so many times it’s at the end of saying something that a person pauses before they offer forth whatever they’ve been hesitating to communicate all along.

The hardest silences of all are the denials of abuse that occur more commonly than many of us realise.  It’s to be understood that this is a compounding abuse; the initial abuse is covered over and the secondary abuse of denying the wrongdoing is more heinous than ever.  A tertiary abuse is done — yes, a third most damaging layer — when a whole community joins in.  Again, this is a silence that speaks damningly when it completely ignores the case of innocents.

There are, of course, very wise silences where we refrain from saying what would almost certainly do harm, where our patience works for the favour of all; especially in overlooking offenses, those where angels would fear to tread.

So silence can be used for good and for evil purposes.

It’s up to each of us to speak wisely into spaces where there are elephants in rooms, just as much as it’s up to each of us to hold our peace when someone has something important to say; especially when we may be their only chance or their last ditch attempt.  ‘Holding space’ in these ways is comparatively easy, and it always a blessing to the one we’re present with.

Photo by Dedu Adrian on Unsplash