Nothing Beats God’s Grace To Forgive

I was reminded only today that Jesus Christ came to save us, not in trumpets and fanfare and wars and skirmishes, but out of the love of a weak, crushed, and broken human being required by his father to obey to a hideous, punishing death.

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Imagine what Christ endured during those fateful and agonising last twelve hours. Such is his power to forgive, he resisted calling back names at the Roman soldiers and spiting back at them; instead he forgave them in the instant, much to their absolute confusion. All they could attribute Jesus’ response to was that he must’ve been mad. It seemed mad. As for the Jewish political leaders, the Pharisees and Sadducees, and the Scribes and other adherents, they couldn’t see the wood for the trees. Finally, Pilate himself could not see what to do; he asked Jesus, “What is truth?” -- Plainly, he could not see.

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Only those who can see the truth can see. Jesus came not to redeem the world the way the world expected; he came to redeem the world spiritually; to give when others require a commander to take; to love even when utterly rejected as Peter did the Lord; to not condemn even when betrayed with a kiss. Not one stood by Jesus during those final hours, except perhaps anecdotally, Simon of Cyrene who helped carry his cross -- though even some of that narrative is arguable. Jesus’ love is so akin to a parent’s love -- unconditional.

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Life might seem totally unjust from time to time, but one fact remains; God in Jesus understands. In the deepest pain of tragedy, the one who bore more pain than we could ever possibly imagine, understands -- he understands.

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Another plain truth is this. Only when we choose to accept God’s forgiveness can we accept our painful pasts... through God’s grace -- it’s nothing we could do. When we know God’s forgiveness, we can easily forgive others.

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There is no joy like the Lord’s joy. He gave his life for us to live free; free of anything life might choose to throw at us. It’s also a ticket-to-ride to build a life we always wanted but were afraid to try. He frees us to love before it is too late!

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Jesus obeyed his father. He did it for you. He did it for me. He wants everyone to experience the Father’s heart of grace -- the free and priceless gift. His Spirit lives; you only have to see a genuine God-follower to see.

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Imagine a rejected God who’d never reject you. Now that’s an amazing love.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

We Can’t Please Everyone

“A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away.”

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-Charles Schwab.

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Do you ever notice that the easiest way to lose your joy and zest for life is to try and keep everyone happy? It can be exasperating. This is most notable in professional, vocational and family situations. Often times, immature people in those areas will demand unreasonably of us, especially if our main goal is to set out to please them in the first place. It’s great if we can please these people, but realistically our main goal regarding any pursuit should be to do whatever we do for right, just and fair reasons. All things are not necessarily equal, but they should be as equal as possible, particularly regarding our relationships.

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~ Work out who you ought to please -- those we’re responsible to or for. Other than these, a common courtesy (respect) is all that’s required.

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~ Even those who we ought to please may at times take advantage -- this is where our assertiveness and communication skills will need to come to the fore.

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~ Be assertive with those who demand we please them -- that’s being neither aggressive nor submissive. Assertiveness is about being ‘fair’ to both ourselves and the other person, and not giving in to their whimsical demands. We can be respectful as we firmly say “no.”

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~ Be pleased within ourselves when we achieve a good result (one that’s right, just and fair) regardless of how others receive it.

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~ If we’ve pleased everyone something’s almost definitely wrong. Check it. Perhaps it’s that we’ve given in? When we feel like this, we should try and learn from it. It’s probably too late to change things now though.

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~ Seek collegial support and guidance. This can give us a lot more confidence, particularly if we talk with people who’re naturally encouraging. Seek out those who will be truthful.

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Becoming less submissive takes a combination of courage, time, practise, and confidence. Assertiveness is neither aggressive nor submissive; it’s respecting all parties, including (and most importantly) ourselves. We find that when we’ve discovered true self-respect, we’ve actually discovered respect as it pertains to others also. In this way respect is expressed in terms akin to humility. Others and ourselves; we’re all are the same.

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Pleasing others at the expense of other important objectives is not sustainable in the long run. It is better to drive unswervingly toward a result that is as right, just and fair as possible.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

How Did I Just Do That?!

Are you ever amazed at the stupid things you do at times? Like you’re early for an appointment, so there’s no reason to hurry, yet you want to ‘beat that traffic light.’ It defies logic and you can’t believe the irony that suddenly you’re running a red light, and what is worse, there’s a camera at this set of traffic lights! You stew for weeks that a fine and demerit points are on their way to you from the Police Department, but they never arrive. PHEW!! -- the one that got away.

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Bewildered we might be, and astounded in retrospect at how silly we’ve been, but we should understand, it’s basically our nature -- to make silly mistakes. If we haven’t made a clanger lately it surely won’t be too long before the next one comes along.

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We need to have a lot of grace towards ourselves don’t we? We need to forgive ourselves and pass up the opportunity to slap our foreheads in disgust.

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I went to an occupational safety and health forum some time ago and the keynote speaker spoke about the number of doctors and airline pilots who made elementary mistakes in the operating theatre and in the cockpit. We don’t like to think about the fact that while our lives are in a surgeon’s or pilot’s hands they might be making key skill or knowledge errors -- but it happens. It’s called ‘human factors’ and there’s a whole field of psychological and physiological science around it.

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When we’ve failed why not:

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~ Be gentle with ourselves (as per The Desiderata);

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~ Accept the things we cannot change (as per The Serenity Prayer) -- we won’t ever be perfect; and,

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~ Understand that God is forgiving -- he’ll forgive anything you do if you’re genuinely sorry.

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It’s not really a big deal. Berating yourself is not going to achieve anything worthwhile. Forgive yourself, make the thing right as far as others are concerned (as far as possible), and then simply move onto the next thing with a smile.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Starting the Day in a Consistent Way

As a leader in my family, at my workplace, and over my own life I must recognise now the power I have to choose my attitude. This day is likely to bring unexpected challenges, struggles, trials, and tests. The only defence I have is my positive, humble, non-complaining, uncompromising, and overcoming attitude.

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If I do fail, and often I will, I can choose to smile and then simply get on with the next thing. I can be tolerant, patiently accepting the present difficulty. I can become aware when my attitude is faltering, and in that moment, rectify the imbalance. I can decide to see my life holistically which reminds me that though this piece of time may be painful, most is actually very tolerable, indeed, enjoyable.

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I can be cool and unruffled in every circumstance. I can choose to not argue or complain. I can make up my mind. I can simplify and focus. I can accept differences, exercising patience. I can have the courage to be.

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When things go wrong I can choose to contemplate before I act. How do I feel? What is wise? What shall I do?

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I can control my mood. I can develop my mental game; my direct worldview. I can align my expectations with my talents and present realities.

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These things above, all states of mind, are all very real possibilities. It is up to me. Nothing taken for granted, everything received with gratitude, everything passed on with grace.

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As I sit right now, alone with my most trusted companion, Solitude, I see suddenly from the proper perspective before the onslaught of life takes over.

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Hold me dear God, reminding me gently and firmly of these thoughts as I traverse the day. May it finish as it started; in peace. Like a clock during a thunderstorm, my quieted mind can endure.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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I acknowledge the work of G.K. Chesterton, Thomas Jefferson, Robert Louis Stephenson, Henry David Thoreau, Paul Tillich, and Edward De Bono and have used their constructs herein.

The Top 10 Creative Ideas - In Business, In Life

The following Top 10 creative ideas come from a feedback report I had access to from the “What’s the Big Idea” conference held recently on the east coast of Australia. I thought these ideas were worth a second look and some commentary.

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ONE: Don’t trust conferences on Big Ideas (we need to do our own research and testing)
Don’t trust salespeople: there’s a golden rule of life right there. There are natural rewards for diligence enough to ‘serve yourself.’ We know what we want most of the time so why not trust our instinct?

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TWO: Fail well and early
As a one-year-old we learned to walk. We fell and we did it often. We probably hurt ourselves many times as well fell awkwardly on the floor or against furniture -- yet, we didn’t give up did we? At that age and stage we wanted to learn; we had to learn. Our sense of curiosity and desire was strong. As time went on however, we learned that failure wasn’t so much fun, particularly during school. We became subjects of ridicule and then resisted putting our heads up only to get them swiftly chopped off. Failure had dire consequences.

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To fail well and early takes courage; boldness and fearlessness. Even better for teams to embrace this -- imagine team members applauding each other for failure! -- For having a go… Realistically, who cares when we fail? It’s not death. We’re one step closer to success.

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THREE: Have at least one dumb idea a day
Dumb ideas are becoming more popular. Once we get over the sneer-factor and give so-called stupid suggestions a fair hearing we’re often surprised how innovative they really can be. Innovation can be defined as “implementing creative ideas.” Think about it, as Edward De Bono famously said, “Creativity is always obvious in hindsight.” Most creative ideas that lead to innovation are initially somewhat ridiculous.

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FOUR: Expect the world
Why would we not expect the best results if we’re doing all the work required? Shooting for the stars is making the most of opportunities.

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FIVE: Be childlike
Jesus said “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”[1] This applies as much to situations this side of heaven as it does to the afterlife. Whomever is least stands to gain the most.

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To get the creative juices really flowing we must stop being know-alls and we might actually learn a few things. Learning is also a lot more fun from a childlike perspective. There are three more reasons to become more childlike -- children don’t complicate things too much, they trust more, and they’re also less likely to fall for moral temptations.

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SIX: Do nothing – create space
We know this implicitly I’m sure. Where we create space mentally we have room to take on new things. We couldn’t top up the fuel tank in our car if it were already full; the same applies to our minds. When where are super busy, we don’t have time and energy to be creative. Doing nothing might seem like procrastination but if we’re intentionally freeing up room, it’s good news for encouraging the next wave of creative splendor.

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SEVEN: Thieve
No need to be bashful, there’s nothing wrong with ‘re-appropriating’ thought, so long as it’s duly acknowledged. (Note my acknowledgement at the end of this article.)

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EIGHT: Start
How often do we fall for analysis paralysis? Some wonderful ideas are never implemented. Talk about frustration! Start. Do it. Begin. Commence. Instigate. Initiate. Now.

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NINE: Challenge
Challenging takes critical thinking and the courage to confront. Neither are easy in all environments, but when we challenge things, particularly ‘group think,’ we unlock the key to doing the right things, and not simply doing things right.

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TEN: Leadership is a verb
Leaders differentiate themselves from wannabes through what they do. They do things that show leadership, and many of these things are counter the common way. Leadership is creative; they’re synonymous. Like love, leadership sets itself apart in the doing.

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I acknowledge Mr. Gino Valenti and Mr. Nigel Collins for the provision of the framework for this information.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Matthew 18:3-4 (NIV).

Plan Out Your Life Wisely

Number 229 of Balthasar Gracian's The Art of Worldly Wisdom suggests a process for life planning that warrants attention. The 17th Century Jesuit philosopher is attributed for many wisdom teachings as relevant today as the day they emerged from his mind. Try this advice out.

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229. Plan out your life wisely. Not as chance would have it, but with prudence and foresight. Without amusements it is wearisome, like a long journey where there are no inns - manifold knowledge gives manifold pleasure. The first day's journey of a noble life should be passed in conversing with the dead: we live to know and to know ourselves, hence true books make us truly human. The second day should be spent with the living, seeing and noticing all the good in the world. Everything is not to be found in a single country. The Universal Father has divided his gifts and at times has given the richest dowry to the ugliest. The third day is entirely for oneself. The greatest happiness is to be a philosopher. (Bold added for emphasis.)

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We must be deliberate and intentional about life planning. As George Bernard Shaw once suggested, “Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get.” Unfortunately, many people don’t get what they like because they don’t plan adequately, and then they’re unhappy about getting what they got. The apathy of their intentionality is fateful though they will blame others, the rest of the world, and even God for their lack of diligence. We must take an interest in our lives and become focused.

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It’s the process that’s important and not the outcome. Executing plans is as much about banging away over the days, weeks, months, and years and being patient, as anything else. It’s too easy to become frustrated. We have our down days and so does everyone. They should not deter us from our overall objective. As much as the down days come so too come days of triumph. Accepting ups and downs, and the good and the bad, takes maturity.

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Amusement (literally, time without thinking) or rest time is vital for our spirit’s health. Laughter is well known for its health effects. Challenging amusements are also fun.

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Words of wisdom are important to know -- such conversing ‘with the dead’ is a good way to come to know our human nature. We might be unique individuals but we have more in common with the rest of the species than we’d often like to credit. This is the first day.

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The second day is for appreciating the present and immersing our senses in what we see, hear, feel, taste, and touch; to see God’s good creation, and noting that all that’s to be experienced can’t be experienced in one land -- for God has sprinkled his blessing vastly, even to the unlikeliest of spots.

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The third day is for one’s self. Enjoy musing about the world and people and things. It pays to be philosophical. And it also pays to make time to invest in your spiritual health.

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Between them, the first, second, and third days represent the past, the present, and our future potential. It’s a balance we ought to make time to get right. Viewing life from this sort of holistic perspective will inevitably lead to what I’d term as life health.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Transform Yourself – Create New Mental Pathways

The great thing about making mistakes is learning new and different responses to situations that work. It takes awareness first, and then the courage to act, and then thirdly, the resilience to re-train our minds toward new habits; this means essentially building new mental “pathways” that become the ‘default’ way of thinking and acting. The theory is simple. The practice is much harder, though not impossible. In fact, it’s very realistic to re-train our minds no matter how old or engrained we might think we are.

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I look at the way I interact with people and how successful (or unsuccessful) I am, and importantly, how assured and comfortable I feel, and I see this as a major cue for learning things I need to change. For instance, if we have a problem it will normally affect other people -- there will be a complaint or a resistance from others. Or perhaps the complaint comes from within us ourselves. This occurs when we’re not happy with how others are relating with us.

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Both situations demand from us a response. When it’s identified we need to change we should consider how to do it and develop a plan to address what’s required. On the other hand, when we identify within ourselves a lack of tolerance for the other person, we need to deal with the lack of acceptance and choose to move on (from the issue) for the sake of the relationship.

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This could be viewed as a process:

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1. Awareness: at this stage we need to somehow become aware of the many-times-daily that our awareness is piqued and then do something about it by problem-solving.

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2. Problem-solve: chew over the problem by defining it and looking at the options. What are the best solutions -- the ones you can implement. (We can’t demand anything from others.)

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3. Act: Requiring courage and conviction via mental will power, action is transformational. Acting is so counter-cultural to human nature. Most of us dream but do not ‘do.’ Acting is easy. Just do it.

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4. Continue: This is the important bit. Keep doing what you’ve resolved needs to be done. Monitor how it is received. Reinforce the ‘continuing’ process your own way. It needs to be repetitive enough for the new pattern / mental pathway to entrench. Some people read affirmations; others have symbols to remind them; others again use triggers of some kind to prompt the new action, re-training their mind from the old and faulty ways of responding.

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Importantly, don’t give up. Be tenacious. Become resilient to your failures and simply continue. If anyone can change “you,” you can. You really can. Imagine how good you will feel having conquered a large fear or having achieved that transformation you’ve always dreamt of achieving.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Accepting the Defeat of Failure Successfully

Do you fail often? Do you, every now and then, fail to complete a task properly? Do you fail in your relationships with people? -- Every now and then? Do you fail yourself -- probably through one or both of the previous two by not living up to your own standards? Are the world’s, or even your own standards, consistently too high for you to meet? Everyone is faced with such questions at various stages throughout life, and we can fall for the trap of flagellating ourselves very easily; we may fail, but, now hear this... we are not ‘failures.’

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I find the following unfortunate paradox… when I feel like a failure I sink into my shell; yet the thing I notice or sense most, at that time, is a feeling of abandonment from others -- I’m alone in the world. I can’t interact when I need most to interact. I think a lot of us are like this. When things get on top of us, and we feel like we’re failing at every turn, and we wallow in the defeat of our own consciousness. We can’t then escape our own negative mindset.

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How do we recoil from this sort of horrid experience? There are a number of considerations from not going hard on yourself, to seeing things from a different, fresh viewpoint, to simply accepting the status quo and finding a smile, somehow.

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Failure -- some days are simply designed for it! What can we do but take them gracefully and ‘on the chin’ as would a boxer fighting a title bout, and be gentle with ourselves, or take it to heart and sink into the feelings of inadequacy and shame even more. That’s no choice at all in my opinion.

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I find being honest with myself is one step. It might take a few moments to sink in, or even a few hours or possibly overnight, but eventually, we must come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to fail; if we’re being honest. We’re not failures, we just fail every now and then. Honestly, we fail, and we fail often. So what!

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This is what! We’re learning. Each time we fail we have an opportunity to learn. Okay, we might be sick of learning the same crummy lesson, but eventually it’ll stick, and when it does, hurray! Focussing on what we’re learning and how we’re developing and getting oodles of second chances must be a good thing. It’s also good to praise others who’ve perhaps more patience with us than we even have with ourselves at times.

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To be successful at failure means to learn from the mistake; this does not mean learning perfectly though. It often takes several attempts. So what! It involves self-acceptance and self-grace too, or allowing the grace of God to shine through the experience and permeate our heart. Can you accept his blessing? His presence is enough. More than enough.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Bloke’s Marriage Guide: How To Be A Teddy Bear

I have it on good advice that us guys need to be a teddy bears in marriage. Whilst I’m no expert on the topic, I can note with due attention the nod of approval toward this idea from one’s wife. Cuddly and fluffy is the call. As an opposite image, there’s no surer thing than a bull roaring through the china shop, breaking all the precious fine china displayed -- not a good image in a marriage.

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Not every wife needs a teddy bear husband to be honest, but what a guy’s wife needs she should get -- is that not so? It’s the Christian model of marriage we’re espousing; one for the other, the other for one. So, what gives with the teddy bear symbolism?

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~ Teddy bears are quiet. They don’t talk much. They’re pretty docile and cute, so to speak. I think I can do that.

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~ Teddy bears provide warmth and are ideal to cuddle up with, and even sob of few tears into (if and as necessary).

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~ Teddy bears are totally accepting; they’ll never reject you. You’re theirs for life, and even when your bear is tired and ragged at the seams, he’ll still be just as faithful as he always was.

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~ Teddy bears are fluffy too. The fluffiness is particularly important because fluffiness absorbs; it absorbs the hurts so naturally.

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What teddy bears don’t do:

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~ They don’t give advice; they’re totally useless at providing direction and telling you what you need to do. They can’t talk back; they don’t have a comment to make.

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~ They won’t try and encourage you when a good ole fashioned cuddle would do.

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~ They don’t scare you. They couldn’t harm a fly. They’d cuddle the fly! Absolutely harmless.

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So, the teddy bear is a symbol for me; for the man I need to be.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

One Thing You Really Must Do - Part II – Upset The Right People

Balthasar Gracian’s wisdom has impacted many a soul. The 17th Century Jesuit philosopher is attributed for many wisdom teachings as relevant today as the day they emerged from his mind. As I reflected over some of Gracian’s 300 maxims in his The Art of Worldly Wisdom recently, the following struck a note of déjà vu for me.

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Number 173 speaks of sensitive people. It advises us not to be overly sensitive, for the following reasons:

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Do not be made of glass in your relations with others, still less in friendship. Some break very easily, and thereby show their want of consistency. They attribute to themselves imaginary offences and to others oppressive intentions. Their feelings are even more sensitive than the eye itself and must not be touched in jest or in earnest. Motes offend them; they need not wait for beams. Those who consort with them must treat them with the greatest delicacy, have regard to their sensitiveness, and watch their demeanor, since the slightest slight arouses their annoyance. They are mostly very egoistic, slaves of their moods, for the sake of which they cast everything aside. They are worshippers of little nothings. On the other hand, the disposition of the true lover is almost diamond-like: hard and everlasting.
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The sensitive person in this context is labeled the opposite of ‘the true lover.’ They are fragile and ‘break very easily.’ They feel so much more than what is even there at times. Annoyance and moods are their lot.

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I prefer the fellowship of others who are not so sensitive. Dr. Henry Cloud’s book 9 Things You Simply Must Do highlights one thing we should do for these sorts of people. Upset them. His ninth principle is “Upset the right people.” No matter how hard we try we’ll upset these people anyway, so why pussyfoot around. The best thing we might hope for is they will grow up a little along the way.

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Don’t get me wrong, we don’t go out of our way to hurt sensitive people, we just should treat them normally, as we would the next person, though we’re tempted to ‘treat them with the greatest delicacy,’ just to keep the peace.

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Consider these things:

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~ When they get emotional, stay calm and resolute, with an ear for what is right and just and fair for all; including for yourself -- you’re no walkover.

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~ Encourage them when they come across as less sensitive, or more conversely, more sensitive of others. They ought to be rewarded for mature behaviour.

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~ Be very careful not to make too many concessions for the sensitive person. If you do, will need to do it again -- (See Proverbs 19:19).

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Whether you have to fire a person, break up with them, tell a person they’ve outstayed their welcome, or confront someone, just do it. Plan it the best you can. Be as loving and courteous as you can. Stay unemotional. If then they’re still too sensitive to deal with your mature confrontation, then they have a character challenge before them. We can’t relieve them of that.

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There’s no getting away from it; if you know someone who’s ultra sensitive expect some pain. But be pessimistically optimistic. Be surprisable when they demonstrate humility as they will respond.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Relevance, Clarity, Truth, Wisdom: Psalm 51

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it...

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The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart,

O God, you will not despise.

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The magic yet straight forward reality of truth. God has designed creation for meaning, for truth and meaning are aligned. God and all creation can see through the false, and all require the truth. Truth and wisdom are synonymous.

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One can picture David plucking away at his harp, lamenting in sopping tears, his sin. In his lowest ebb and darkest moment, the shrill of stark truth is revealed in God's gleaming light. The revelation comes at the very moment of David's true step of penitence. Light returns to his heart, amid the moment of sorrow. God's gift of grace.

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Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

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David can see clearly. He genuinely wants what only God can give him. In his dis-ease he can feel what is missing, and he is in death, spiritual morosity. A pure heart is sought. It's the only solution. David is single-minded now.

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Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.
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Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

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We feel like we've lost the presence of God in our deepest mire. We feel, see, and 'know' he is absent. Yet the restoring of the joy of his salvation is cataclysmic to the dark sources of death. We know it not until we genuinely feel, see, and 'know' it -- ah, "He's returned," is the cry of our situationally fledgling heart. Like a sort of reverse pygmalion effect, we're instantly back in the classroom, left feeling fearful like a child.

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Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you are proved right when you speak

and justified when you judge.

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The vital truth is sin is a direct blow to God. Sure, we hurt others, but we offend God most and fundamentally. His wisdom dictates that we do the wrong thing and the wrong thing is done to us... until we turn back, returning to him the penitence deserved him. We forgive others, we forgive ourselves.

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How could anyone not see God in that? Yet these same hearts rage against the LORD for their own folly of ignorance and arrogance (Proverbs 19:3).

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Achieving Total Acceptance

This is the final frontier in relationships. Achieving total acceptance toward others is a huge step in gaining happiness and giving license to others to truly relate with you. This works in those situations in your life that are positive.

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The Serenity Prayer starts, “God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...” This principle is fundamental to life in the relational sense. Accepting things that we can’t change, even little things, paradoxically demonstrates a self-efficacy toward life and our limits. It’s not disempowering. It’s understanding and agreeing with the plan of life’s reality and it’s a true marker of tolerance and maturity.

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As I reflect I know that my relationships go horribly wrong whenever my level of acceptance and tolerance are off key. We can be forgiven for not being perfect but we’re reminded whenever there are conflicts that acceptance could be central to the issue.

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Ways to improve in achieving total acceptance are:

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~ Firstly, accept yourself.

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~ Practise responding with a smile and without aggression when people disagree with you.

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~ When you feel sorely tempted to but-in and say your piece, respond to the inner-voice that says, ‘hold your tongue.’ Do what it says.

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~ If you think you can keep everyone happy all the time, get a grip -- you can’t.

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~ Practice things that will grow serenity within you, for instance, quiet time, meditation, journaling, and prayer etc.

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Acceptance is truly a value of the wise. Perfecting it means becoming more accepting whilst accepting perfection will never come. There’s a fundamental irony involved.

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A wise word and disclaimer to finish. There are times and situations in life where acceptance is not warranted and the appropriate response is to reject, not accept. This discussion does not cover that application, where things are wrong and they should be left wrong i.e. they should be rejected.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Making Up, Forgiveness And All That Stuff

Kiss and make up. They say the best thing about an argument is making up and making love. When true amends has taken place and all the barriers are broken down, there is such sheer relief for the previously warring couple. Making up and forgiveness are invaluable. If we don’t make up with and forgive our partners, our relationship is destined for the sewer. It will slowly go downhill, bogged down with resentment, an anger that lies beneath the surface, until aroused.
A lot of making up and forgiving people or our partner’s is down to the will; the power of the mind to make a decision for the best for both parties, and then do it.

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The main benefit of making up and forgiveness is the grace that comes. Do we need to forgive someone? Often not. We could let it go. But it is love that wants to both make amends and pardon for wrongs. Love is the answer to any feud.

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Forgiveness almost always brings relief and life to relationships. The only exception is when the person doesn’t want to be forgiven and therefore it won’t make an iota of difference; again, a refusal to love can render forgiveness useless.

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Forgiveness happens easier the more we practice it. Forgive easily and we live joyfully. The opposite is true. Hold onto that grudge and we’ll not enjoy life much. It’s standard fare. If we’ve experienced grace we too should shower it on others, particular our loved ones.

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For couples, relationship success comes with regular forgiveness of wrongs and a genuine commitment to restitution via changed and renewed relationship practices that show kindness, compassion and empathy.

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Forgiveness is the key to love, joy and peace… and abundant life.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Can Fear Really Take Your Life?

Fear has a way of paralysing us. We give it a foothold and next thing we’re full of anxiety; immediately captive. Suddenly we’re fighting for life. It can bring a raft of psychosomatic symptoms and signs. Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way. Resilience is the key to responding actively to fear.

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When life throws a curve-ball our way we have two choices in response:

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1) get fearful and give up in despair, or
2) harness the fear, work with it, and emerge from the difficulty stronger.

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Those who take the easier, softer option end up losing all their joy and live in fear until the present difficulty is somehow negotiated -- and it’s often negotiated in a way that creates more problems. However, those who take the latter option requiring courage and resilience do the following three (3) things consistently:

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1. They seek to take control of the situation and themselves. They don’t allow the problem (or the fear) to take control. They so “no” to the paralysing effects of the fear and do positive, proactive things to deal with the situation at hand. They don’t shy away from the truth; they harness it.

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2. They have an abiding sense, and commitment to, virtuous durable values. They remain ‘on-course.’ They’re not easily swayed off their guiding values and principles because they’re founded and grounded in them. They see their core values as worth fighting for. Principles such as integrity, courage and endurance are personified.

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3. They find meaning in their suffering. They therefore they don’t resent the challenges, pain, insults, and suffering when they come. They’re somewhat prepared for them. They’re not surprised that they come. As a result they recover from their upsets very quickly, which is the very embodiment of resilience.

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God’s most frequent command in the Bible is, “Do not be afraid,” or words to that effect. No less than 366 times are we told to have faith in the worst of our trials.

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Resilience is a quality or a bunch of things. People demonstrate resilience and you can see it, but it’s harder to teach it specifically. Resilience does however require a deep and grounded faith that feels things are okay underneath, always. Therefore the person with resilience never really panics though they might get a little scared. They never utterly lose control or perspective.

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At the end of the day know that whatever is pressing in on you, if you keep faith and endure through the storm that is before you i.e. live resiliently, you will live to say of the present and future struggles, “It was worth the ride.” You may indeed learn many things about yourself through the process.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Acknowledgement for the ‘three qualities of the resilient’ go to John Ortberg, from his book, If You Want To Walk On Water, You’ve Got To Get Out Of The Boat, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2003).

Resisting Speaking Or Thinking Negatively Of People

I was taken by the quotation below when I first read it. It resounded within me because it spoke truthfully and to the heart about what I struggle with and what I think all people struggle with, in our relationships. We wouldn’t admit it but how quickly do we undermine another person? If we don’t say it, it’s often thought about, particularly regarding people we’re threatened by.

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Read this:

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“If we find ourselves secretly rejoicing in the news of someone’s misfortune, we know we have some inner work to do. Somehow, that response suggests that we feel cheated in some way, perhaps because some expectations of life have gone unfulfilled. As we become aware of these inner reactions, we can also practice the inner generosity of wishing another well while refraining from any comment at all.”[1]

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Let’s break this nugget of wisdom down...

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Rejoicing At Another’s Misfortune
Let’s be honest. It happens. It’s our nature to instinctively do this. It’s not even our fault. However, it does suggest the following;

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It Indicates Some Inner Work Required
Whenever we bear ill toward another person it indicates we have some work to do within our heart specifically and generally – specifically regarding the actual person the ill will is directed to, and generally because we’re obviously capable of a recurrence in the future. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but we ought to work on it. Is it that we feel cheated in some way and/or our expectations have surpassed the reality of our actual position in life?

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Awareness
The biggest barrier to improving anything is a lack of awareness. If we’re aware of the issue then the only other thing that can get in the way is lack of will (or power of the mind) to actually do what you need to do, and do it often enough to create a good habit so we continue to do it. We must simply act on our awareness and do it over and over again by;

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Practicing Inner Generosity
Replacing bad habits with good habits is a key to behaviour modification. People who wish to give up smoking succeed better when they replace smoking with exercise which naturally releases endorphins -- the ‘feel good’ naturally-occurring human biochemical. It impacts on their self-esteem too. Likewise, the way to resist speaking or thinking wrong of people is to get generous -- act with generosity. Generosity has magic spiritual juice about it; it frees us. Practicing inner generosity is wishing another well.

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Refraining From Any Comment At All
We always seem to want credit for our good thoughts and our good behaviours. When we’ve suddenly replaced ill will with generosity, we’ll be tempted to want or take some credit. The most honourable thing to do, however, is not make any comment at all -- let it go. We should reject the inner need for our ego’s to be stroked. If our positive act is recognised, merely a humble and real ‘thank you’ should suffice. Likewise, and especially, this means refraining from bemoaning the person.

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We know we’re on the right track when we positively will not tolerate any bearing ill toward another. Awareness is piqued and we’re determined not to flay another soul. Perhaps it’s a pipedream to perfect this, but there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be our goal and ultimate aim.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] P.E. Koptak, NIV Application Commentary: Proverbs, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2003), p. 446.

Love Things, Use People…

People in our post post-modern society love things and use people. People are used to getting places, climbing ladders, and selling and buying stuff. Things are fanaticised about and sought after in the same greedy way. By far and away most of us Westerners live with more but have paradoxically and increasingly less in the spiritual and emotional bank. We may have flash cars, nice homes, a boat, and lots of technological gadgets and other stuff. More than we’d ever use half the time. Or if we do use them all, there’s less time left for doing ‘internal’ work with ourselves or relating with people.

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Not only do we love things but we tend to use people. Our closest relationships are typically there for us, and for our disposal. We all love our spouses, kids, and families but how often do we sell them out to our own needs? This is evidenced by the many dysfunctions and arguments that mar most families. Not just that; what about our ‘second-tier’ relationships? Those of our work colleagues and acquaintances, where at least mentally we conceive where we might manipulate a discussion, meeting or relationship to serve our own purposes -- for instance, to be heard. The final frontier is on the road, where the selfish behaviour of using people reaches the lowest standard, where people are abused wholesale for making innocent mistakes and we try and gain a fractional advantage by swapping lanes incessantly.

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Do I sound harsh? Perhaps. There is no doubt there are many people who have the balance the other way, the right way, around. That is to put people first and utilise things as required. “Love people, use things” could be the mantra.

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What should we do to reinforce the mantra?

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Love People:

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~ Listen to people and be patient with them.
~ Be prepared to lose the odd battle for the greater benefit of the team (or family).
~ Give more than you receive.
~ Say sorry often when you make mistakes and mean it.
~ Give people the best resource you can give them; your time. Now that’s a good investment!
~ When you’re out in the world, respect fellow human beings -- especially people you don’t know.

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Use Things:

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~ Resist the love of things. Stop materialism in its tracks.
~ Reject “retail therapy” as the sham it is.
~ Be thankful for the things you’ve accumulated but don’t worship them.
~ Don’t waste the resources available to you; respect them appropriately.
~ Try sharing your things with other people (to show you love them), and even give them away if they serve you no valid purpose anymore.
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No one would admit to not loving their families or friends as much as their stuff, but this is a firm challenge for each one of us to get the balance swinging more into the “love people, use things” direction. If we do this we can also tap into the reservoir of our own psyche to not only become a better person, but become more relational and more spiritual at the same time. It just bears thinking about.

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Acknowledgement for the base idea of this article goes to Dr. Paul E. Koptak, whose wonderful commentary on Proverbs is a must read. (NIV Application series; Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2003).

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Church, Interrupted

“It cannot be too often reiterated that the primary emphasis on the Church as an institution with creeds, sacraments and “orders,” blocks at least at present the way to give first rank to the Church as an ever renewed adventure of faith, a response to God’s great acts of salvation, redemption and reconciliation. The Church is not an end in itself, but a means to an end.” [Bold added]

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-Hendrik Kraemer

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WHAT IS THE CHURCH if not a response to the “great acts of God”? The church, the means to, and the great vehicle for and of, God, stands, and has stood for two millennia, on foundational rock of Christ. Nothing has endured like it, other than say the other major world religion traditions.

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Yet, I am astounded to hear, read of, and witness first-hand the travesties of the humanising of the church. At some point, for some believers in Christ, there is a time when their faith goes askew from the core teaching of Christ into the ‘creeds, sacraments and orders’ of human tradition -- at least the tradition of human/God tradition. The danger is when groups of people in leadership, in the same area, start to think in similar unbiblical ways and church becomes more than it was ever designed for. It’s not that they can’t found their ideas in biblical concepts. They isolate a few biblical concepts to support their position.

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The church is a means to an end. The end is God, of course. Whether we think experience with God, the tradition of exalting him, or his Word are the important things, it is he who commands our attention and it is living toward his will for our time on earth that is paramount. Church is not really what it’s about. Church simply mobilises the Christian faith, for growth, for witness, and for the integrity of the risen Christ.

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If we constantly seek Christ in our experience with the church, he will show us the way. The way is of character forming and development: discipleship in one word. I know there is worship, fellowship, ministry and evangelism to cater for too, but what does Christ command more than anything in his main teaching, the Sermon on the Mount/Plain? It’s an individual calling, whether church or personal, to some salient character traits. Yet, we have so-called leaders of the church today (and yesterday) who have not disciplined themselves, and do not adhere, to these traits.

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Does God want to be worshipped? Yes. Does God want his people to love each other? Yes. Does God want his people to serve him and humankind? Yes. Does he want his church grown? Yes. But, most of all God wants all people to come under his power and anointing by being obedient to his main calling -- to strive for character development, based in continual, meaningful penitence for wrongs as a platform for growth, praise, and thanksgiving.

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The church has no right asserting itself for any other role than to be a salient means to the ultimate end: God. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. The LORD is one. He is the only one.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Common Traps of Team Leadership

Leadership is the difference between life and death for teams. At its worst it damages relationships and lives, but at its best it is nothing short of life-making, inspiring up-and-comers to lead themselves. I was inspired through experiencing the latter.

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I learned the following whilst with the CRA organisation in the early 1990s. Whenever we talk about teamwork we must face the juxtaposing roles of leadership and membership. They are distinct roles and there are competencies and traps for both.

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Here are some traps to be aware of if you’re a leader:

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1. Failing to see the problem from the member’s viewpoint:

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This happens so often. We say we listen but do we really? Do we really understand? This is the challenge for the leader; the challenge to truly understand our people. We need to see the world from their standpoint. I had a manager once who would often spruik about how well he listened to his people, but his body language suggested the contrary. It was plain to see that once he’d finished speaking he would take a big breath and tilt his head back slightly as if he were preparing to contain within himself his mounting frustration as the other person would start speaking. This type of ‘leader’ likes to be heard. If we’re a leader like this, this is one of the hardest lessons for us. Simply learn to listen.

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2. Getting over involved in the action:

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Some leaders can’t help themselves. They just have to stamp their ‘mark of leadership’ on the activity at hand. This is a quick-fire way to turn our team or subordinate off. The best way to lead is to seek clarification on progress and assist along the way. It’s steering the ship; not firing the engines, adjusting sails, and cooking all the meals! If the team know how to do the job we must learn to step back and allow them to show their skills. They will want to please a good leader by doing their job well, without interference.

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3. Feeling you have to have the answer:

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The best leaders extract answers from others. They motivate and inspire others to find solutions. They ‘sow’ ideas in a way that allows the solutions to come originally from the member. This is humility. It’s not needing to be acknowledged personally. Isn’t it better that someone we lead get there and feel great about their achievement? -- they won’t forget their leader.

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4. Being the technical expert:

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Leaders are NOT technical experts. Roles wise, ‘expert’ and ‘leader’ within the teamwork context could not be further apart. The key for the leader is how they use the expert at their disposal. If we’re the leader and we’re also the technical expert what need have we of a team? I mean this in the truest sense of the word, ‘team.’ Our team members will think they are surplus to requirements. Instead, we must use their collective knowledge and skill, as well as the subject experts, to complete the task at hand -- with our oversight.

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5. Ignoring social and programming issues:

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Leaders must be sensitive. They have to have a helicopter view for not only the job at hand, but also for what is happening within the minds and hearts of their individual team members, and the dynamics of the team as a whole. There is no quicker way to sink our leadership than to disregard things that are important to our people. Whether it is a family issue, a personal problem, or a team-related dysfunction, we need to be aware of it.

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6. Fixing on only one issue:

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The leader must have vision and this doesn’t come without a relatively broad perspective. This means being aware of and being attentive to all the issues. At times we will need to focus on one issue, for instance in a crisis, but ordinarily we need to widen our view. Crises come and go and we need to be able to adjust from one form of situational leadership to another. Don’t fix on one issue; let’s keep our perspective.

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7. Appearing to be reluctant to lead:

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We must be bold in our leadership as this gives others beneath us some confidence in the collective direction being traversed. Weigh this with the support, guidance, and encouragement the leader gives following the above advice. Being bold enough to lead and take courageous action where necessary underscores a leader’s humility.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Do You Ever Feel Like... BLAH?

Do you ever feel BLAH? It’s like all your energy is sapped and for reasons unknown to you, you can’t don’t anything about it. For some, it happens on the odd day here and there, but for others it’s an almost every day experience. I’m in the former category. I have a BLAH day and then what follows the next day, invariably is a burst of energy that seemingly equals three day’s effort and achievement. How is this so?

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Fluctuating motivations and moods. Who can possibly tell what gives here? If we know and we can do something about it, then we should. Our consciousness (and our conscience) is being made aware of it for some reason. Listen to it and apply what it’s saying; if not today, because you’re feeling BLAH, then tomorrow ought to do. Just do it at some stage soon.

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I feel it now -- BLAH. It’s not a lack of sleep, or a lack of spirit, or a lack of energy per se. This is where the power of the will comes into play. Will yourself to do that next thing. Just start. Use your brain to process the movements that are required. Move your arms and legs in spite of what’s not going on to power them. Your will will soon hold sway and you will suddenly be congratulating yourself on a little job well done (well, at least done).

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Will is from our mental energy source -- it’s a decision to act. It comes from disciplined thought. It is thinking on what is right and just and fair and then doing it using mental processing power.

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If you have a problem with procrastination, simply do something. Then do one more thing, then another, and another. Soon, the job’s done!

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Being The Family Man Or Woman

“Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to the country and to mankind is to bring up a family.”

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-George Bernard Shaw

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I don’t know about you, but there’s some prickly truth in the above quote. That is how it strikes me. How does it strike you? For some it’s a means to justify what they feel intrinsically as their sole calling -- being a family man or woman. For me, I cannot help but be dissuaded from this alone. I constantly look to the horizon to look for, and find, that ‘something else’ that functions as my distant and somehow ‘nobler’ purpose. ‘Where will I be great?’ is the call of my soul. Yet, the truth of the value of the Family Man or Woman resounds.

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Do I miss the point? I think so. It’s a truth that I know in my head but not yet in my heart. I love my family as the primary thing in my life, but is it enough? I love my family and perhaps they will make me great? -- as if greatness were the only goal.[1] I think, ‘if I think this way, do others?’ I mean, do you? Do you want more from life than what the ordinary life offers? Or is it that what’s construed within family is enough for you? For some I suspect, the greatness of family is a distant dream yet to be realised, or worse still, a dream had, but no longer; yet I, and others like me often see it not great enough. The greatness of family might be fobbed off by some (of which I’m tempted also) as humdrum.

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Don’t get me wrong, I do not think there is any nobler purpose than to love a wife or husband and one’s children, grandchildren and so on -- if you’ve been blessed with a family. But, is there more? That is my question. The fact of the matter is God is silent on the subject. The answer is up to me. And it is up to you. What is the choice?

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I know this one thing. I’ll feel content if I only achieve a happy, healthy family during my life. I’ll have lived a very good and acceptable life. I’ll have contributed to the furthering of the generations and those that carry my name will do so (as far as possible) without scar from me. That is the key. The breaking of generational curses and bringing of blessings all in God’s name.

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I cannot help but wonder how many of us think ambitiously; to put family, spouse, children on the backburner to chase career or fantasy -- that ‘great’ thing. I dare say there is no truth to that great thing unless we discover it and work at it diligently, and with it weigh it in the light of all our other responsibilities, chief of all, family. The biggest insult to our Creator is this: that we neglect our family -- that organism that relies so heavily on parent, the family man or woman. Continue to search for, and strive to see, the greatness in family.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] There’s a ‘great’ amount of folly in this thought, that greatness is the only goal.

The Benefits of Slowing Down

I’VE FOUND I’ve often times had occasion to be rushed and that this rushing has resulted in a lack of peace or shalom. It’s modern-day busyness.

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The key issue I think is we have the tendency to enjoy doing things for achievement -- so much so that much of the time we try to achieve many (or too many) things simultaneously. And, the result is we run on adrenalin; continual use of these stores then creates lower natural need from the body to create serotonin -- a critical chemical for keeping the mind/body healthy. (A function of psychosomatic health.) It is no coincidence that people who run on adrenalin are often also stimulant junkies (including coffee, cigarettes etc) during the day and then tend to use/abuse alcohol[1] to allow the body to relax at night. It’s a chemical cocktail replacing what the body does naturally.

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I have found it personally very helpful not to take in the CATS[2]; these are caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, and sugar. Research has found that people having more than three (3) standard coffees/drinks a day, smoking, and refined sugar in the diet are very destructive for health over the longer term.

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The key issue for driven, “A” type personality people is the need to relax every now and then, to learn to slow down and lay back a little in life. It is a core health risk for “A” types -- a combination of poor dietary and exercise practices, plus abuse of the CATS that sees health for these types spiral south in the “Dangerous Decade,” that is 44-54 years of age.

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So, what if you’re sleeping eight hours a night, exercising and eating healthily, but still suffer from the inability to slow down? There’s always more you can do.

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I know for me it is as simple as being contented with the meagre things in one’s existence. Having things to look forward to. I find it helpful to do the things that seem to matter most -- a search for one’s own personal truth; that is, what is truth to me. The important should ‘get done.’ The unimportant should only be done if there’s time; time to relax and reflect is critically important. I find this time not only helps me calm my heart physically, but it restores my creative balance, and when creativity returns, my mind has recuperated sufficiently and is ready for another onslaught… I’m calling these breaks, “creativity recovery breaks.”

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Ti estin alethia. “What is truth?” asked Pilate of Jesus, in John 18:38. Jesus came to ‘testify to the truth’ -- but I ask also, “What is truth?” It is about discerning for me, for you, as individuals, what is the right, just, and fair thing to do; what is the best, most appropriate thing to do in, or at that given moment, and to be supremely happy knowing it is ‘truthfully’ good to do.

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It is my belief that if I am discerning truth correctly, I will be supremely happy if I am acting on my perception of the truth, no matter if it is painful or joyful. When I diet to lose weight, and I rise up above the fear thoughts of missing tasty food, rising up to a level of truthfully seeing my transformed body, in its glorious, fit state, I keep going one day at a time toward my goal. We have to discern, and then obey the truth. We must be ruthless about it. There's no other way.

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There remains two very important questions: Am I doing what is important? -AND- What is truthfully important for "ME" to do?

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Alcohol is a known Central Nervous System (CNS) depressant, and taken in more than 2-3 standard drinks has that effect.
[2] Acknowledgement to Dr. John Tickell’s A Passion for Living.

When Your Plans Need To Adapt To Change

Sporting teams make their plans before a season starts, planning to make finals, bring on new players, and use fresh tactics. The West Coast Eagles Australian Football League (AFL) team is no exception. But, for all the planning there comes the disappointment of plans that do not come off. Suddenly a team finds itself with a 2-10 win/loss ratio and dreams of playing finals and achieving success evaporate. What happens with the planning? How do you change plans ‘on the hop’?

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It’s a key principle of life that plans don’t always work out the way we’d like or the way we planned them originally. That’s a no brainer. But, we potentially still become incredibly disillusioned and depressed when they fail. When they fail, we fail -- right? Wrong.

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Proverbs 15 and 16 speak not just about the frailty of plans but also about the right way to plan. Try these to buttress the message:

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To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.
All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD.
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD.

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Not all of it is negative. We have to accept that our plans will change; that we’ll be required to fit our plans to changing circumstances; and, that we’ll even have times when we’ll find our plans are completely at odds with reality and we need to go back to the drawing board.

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This is where the tough get going and simply continue through the process patiently. They think process, not outcome. There is no use whinging and complaining about the changing circumstances and then missing the opportunity at hand to adapt.

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Simply, adapt and don’t spare a thought of the pain of re-work. It takes courage to not count the cost. Keep asking others you trust to validate your changing plans. If you do things for the right reasons, generally your plans will succeed. If you endure the current struggles you may keep up as a result and stay in the race for the original prize.

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Most of all, if our plans fail it is not always because we’ve failed. We must disconnect our plans from our own performance to a certain extent. Be patient and attentive with your planning.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

You Want Change... But, Will It Work?

We all have times in life when the pressure for change is great and we’re compelled to face the truth and do something differently. Or perhaps you’re in a situation where you want to influence another person whose relationship is important to you. You want change. But, how many programs for change crash and burn, and with them, hope? Too many. You don’t want the pain to continue, so you need a proven template.

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There are four (4) key objectives that will go well toward our intended change. They are addressed as questions:

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1. Will the proposed change resolve the actual problem? Whoever’s issue it is needs to have defined the actual problem. It is meaningless to make change in our lives if it won’t solve the problem it’s intended to address. It’s like scratching a sore. It feels like it will make the sore better but in fact it makes it worse. We need to ensure the proposed change is the right change -- not change for change’s sake.

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2. Is there enough pressure to change? It’s said that to effectively change anything we need 1) enough dissatisfaction to motivate us, 2) some vision of what we want, and 3) a process to get there. Pressure to change is firmly set in point one this formula. We must be motivated enough for the change to stick. Also, the pain of change must be less than the pain of staying as we, or the other person, are.

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3. Can we sustain the change personally -- have we got personal control over it? No one can sustain a vital life change without having personal control and ownership over it. Is the change coming from you or the other person? This is a serious question that begs an honest answer. If it’s not answered in the affirmative, no matter how much motivation there is, the program for change is compromised. Ownership and buy-in is crucial.

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And finally...

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4. Does the proposed change cater for minimal reliance and support of others? We have to do most of the work ourselves. It is incorrect to rely overly on others as this flies in the face of the above point. When we reach milestones in our process for change we need to experience the exhilaration of victory that comes from knowing we / the other person did it, personally.

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There are few more empowering things in life than having the ability to change, whether it’s giving up something addictive or starting something positive like a diet or exercise program. If you’re the person helping manage or motivate the person seeking to change try to adhere to these general guidelines.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Acknowledgement for the basic framework goes to Mr. Peter Simpson, Psychologist / Director of Boylan, Simpson & Simpson, Corporate Psychology Services.

One Thing You Really Must Do – Part I: Be Humble

I love this secret. A lot of the advice on leading a successful life in this article comes from Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, 9 Things You Simply Must Do.

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This is not a book review. It sets out to showcase the 8th principle -- be humble. Humility is a wonderful character trait to exhibit as it’s all about being the true ‘you,’ i.e. not seeing yourself as better or worse than you truly are. Think for a moment; we all fail in an instant to ‘be real.’ It is easier said than done to behave with genuine humility.

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Within the quotation marks are some of Dr. Cloud’s tips in demonstrating humility, and following is some of my own commentary:

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1. “Say you are sorry to your children, spouse, co-workers, customers, and other people in your life when you fail them” -- because you will and do. We do and say the wrong things all the time. If we’re humble, we’ll seek to offer restitution to those we hurt. Many parents and bosses cannot apologise to their kids or workers. Get over it. You won’t gain or retain any credibility from them without apologising when you’re wrong.

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2. “Seek to understand situations and people before thinking you know the answer or the truth or what the reality actually is.” Listening is the forgotten art of communication. Go against the grain of Western society and achieve respect and trust by giving it. If you don’t listen you can’t possibly know the truth.

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3. “Get rid of any and all defensiveness when it occurs in you. What you are defending -- the need to be more than you are -- is not worth keeping.” We defend ourselves in a blink. If others have a false perception of reality correct it by gently letting them know. If they then choose not think your way, let it go, and let go any grudge that may emerge.

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4. “Serve the people ‘under’ you.” [Italics added] The best leaders serve, whether they be parents, teachers, or bosses. They are servant leaders, and their territories grow as a result. Everyone wants a superior who is their friend; who trusts and respects them. It’s then reciprocal. Good leaders do the extra bit to support their team and each team member.

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5. “The moment you think some task or position in life is beneath you, take a time out. Go spend some time with someone performing that task or in that position and you might meet a human being superior to yourself.” Simply, we think superiorly to our peril. There is real power in stooping down cheerfully to do the simple things that are technically ‘beneath’ us; it shows true character, patience and humility.

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6. “Root out any attitude of entitlement that you may have. Embrace a spirit of gratitude for everything you have or any good treatment you get.” When we don’t get that promotion we’re often gutted. Instead, let things come to you. You might miss out every now and then, sure, but insisting on your entitlements destroys your joy. It is ridiculous thinking.

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7. “When someone is hurt by you, listen. Try to understand what he or she is feeling and learn how you can make things better.” The Golden Rule states: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Imagine the hurt the other way; the person who hurt you actually listening to you and seeking to make amends... how does this make you feel? A lot better I’m sure.

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8. “Give up any investment in looking good, right, or any other posture that makes you different from the rest of humanity.” Why put yourself up when you risk being put down as a result. To gain more honour we risk losing what honour we have. Be real, be true, and you will gain honour without even trying.

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9. “Embrace your imperfections and the imperfections of others. Do not ever be surprised by them... Use failure as a teacher and a friend.” Freedom in one word. Being imperfect is such a relief. When we fail it’s okay; it’s not the end of the world. When we succeed we have so much to be thankful for; we can praise.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Reference:
Henry Cloud, 9 Things You Simply Must Do, (Brentwood, Tennessee: Integrity Publishers, 2004), p. 210-11.

The Art of Reflection: Joy, Hope, Thankfulness

A major paradox of life is we chase happiness by always looking forward, yet we’ll never really know happiness unless we look back and reflect, particularly on our many achievements.

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We’re so flat out achieving that we never look back and really enjoy what we’ve done. There’s always the next appointment, the following day, and the new thing. Our appetites are quite insatiable. And the peculiar thing is we not only have a huge craving for the usual things, we also have an increasing appetite for work; to the point of burn out. And if it’s not work that we’ll burn out on it’s our social life.

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I wonder how often people make their lives busy simply because they don’t feel comfortable about something deep within themselves. We tend to get bored easily -- I know I do. One thing I am learning however, is the art of reflection... to be still and just be. When we get to this sort of state, and it takes some effort which is ironic, we’re perfectly set up to enjoy reflecting on where we’ve been, what we’ve done, and on the awesome wonder of creation and our place in the world.

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I find the following a good recipe for reflection:

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1. Get away from people and distractions.

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2. Find the best time of the day – when you feel relaxed and least burdened. I prefer first thing in the morning, though if you’re more a day or evening person you might consider reflecting later.

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3. Do your reflecting with the least stimuli to distract you. Perhaps limit it to a pen or pencil and a journal, and possibly a Bible or one thing to read to reflect on.

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4. Play some light, relaxing, and calming music or even burn a candle or incense. Fire and running water from a small fountain are very mesmerising and perfect for getting into your reflective zone.

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5. When you’re relaxed, and this’ll take at least 15 minutes to achieve, then you can use the rest of your time to calmly read, muse, and journal. It’s a wonderful peace in this place.

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6. Be really aware of ‘drifting back’ to the world. The ability to remain in your reflection zone is enhanced with practice. Try and keep your focus off the issues ahead of your day or following day. If you drift, simply re-focus.

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The point of reflection is to keep things simple. Its objective is to slow you down enough for you to be able to smell the roses -- it leads to joy, hope and thankfulness, which is difficult to explain. And who cares? Peace, joy, and an unstressed day or night’s sleep is ahead of you.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Love Covers Over All Wrongs

Eloquently put, love seals the deal. It never ever fails, not in the long run. It wins each time because it is enshrined in God’s holiest wisdom and truth; counter-the-world, love responds as no one can really understand who don’t know God.

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The twelfth verse of Proverbs 10 contrasts love and hatred. Love is more powerful than fear, and so it stands to reason it is more powerful than hatred, greed, envy, and every other worldly evil.

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The way this proverb reads in the original language is stark. It gives the imagery of love healing like a bandage would over a cut limb. It not only settles the issue down, stemming the flow of blood from a wound, it also promotes healing... so too does love invite healing to occur when injected into relational situations.

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But how rarely it occurs is disappointing. The most pious of us will fail to love most of the time, yet its timeless truth rages out -- learn of me, it commands, all through the Scriptures.

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I remember writing about Selwyn’s Hughes’ definition of love: you’re hurt by someone and yet you look back at them with the hurt in your eyes, but without any shred of rejection. Love never condemns. Any time we judge and condemn we’ve failed to love. Hughes described this state of being hurt but not rejecting the other person as the ‘look of Jesus.’

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Think about this. Most of us judge and condemn all the time; in little ways I mean. Out on the road, or at a sports game. It’s our carnal way to judge and condemn people.

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I’ve written of complaint. To complain is a failure to love. To choose love over the option to complain or condemn a person uses the power of God that anyone can tap into. Love covers over all wrongs and propounds the truth of “two wrongs don’t make a right.” But a ‘right’ can correct a ‘wrong.’

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Think about it next time you’re tempted to whinge about something or condemn someone; no matter how bad it is, you don’t need to do it. You can use the power of your mind to love instead. All it takes is awareness and will.

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Can you smile with genuine joy when things are tough? Love can get you to this place.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Influencing Behavioural Change In Relationships

Do you have a teen or adult child or employee that you need to get through to? Many people get exasperated not knowing how to get people to change. In all our relationships there are times and situations where people do things that are inappropriate, untimely, self-damaging, or damaging to others and this can both frustrate us and concern us. We may even have a formal role in initiating change i.e. we’re required by law or by job description to do it -- to manage people.

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The tricky bit is we may struggle having the courage to tell them the truth or when we do tell them we risk hurting their feelings. Influencing behaviour is an art form that few of us are really good at. It requires courage, skill, and tact -- all driven by love.

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There are two basic things to achieve when giving people feedback. If we do these things correctly our feedback won’t appear critical, but helpful. We’ll come across as concerned and non-intrusive, with the right heart.

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The first thing to do is tell them what you see. This is behavioural feedback at its core. Be specific and give the feedback at the time the behaviour occurs. Inform the person what you’ve observed i.e. the action you’ve seen or something you heard them say. (Behaviour is something said or something done.) In other words, behaviour is something the dead person can’t do… “What a dead person can do is not a behaviour.” For instance, a dead person can lay still -- laying still is not a behaviour. A dead person cannot motion with their finger -- that’s a behaviour.

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If we are dealing with a teen son or daughter or employee who we suspect has a drug problem, we need to tell them what observable signs we’re noticing or observing. It is the bloodshot eyes, their moodiness, and the slurred speech that you can feed back to them i.e. “I hear you slurring your words and you look tired and irritable; are you okay -- is there anything wrong?” This question can lead to an enquiry where more pointed questions can be asked and your concern and offer of help can be voiced. Expressing care and concern at the potential consequences for behaviour is important.

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Getting them to acknowledge the behaviour is the important initial step. Once information is in the “public arena” (i.e. they know that you know) they’ll be less embarrassed and more likely to work on it.

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On some occasions you’ll meet with resistance. At these times the person is not yet ready to face up to their problems; but don’t give up. Keep showing concern for them by being consistent around behavioural feedback. Remember, you won’t be able to solve all problems.

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The second thing to do, if they’ve acknowledged a need, is tell them what you want. Once you’ve established some shared understanding of what the problem is then you’re much better placed to guide them in what you want. Again, you need to be specific about this. Be clear and simple in what you communicate and again speak in behavioural terms of what you want to see and hear.

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If they show some commitment to change, help them set some behavioural goals. The person you’re counselling must be in a position of empowerment over their own destiny, with you (or others) there guiding and supporting them -- you are not to do this thing for them. Help them also plan for re-lapses on the road to change as well. All of this is best supported by a psychology service to facilitate progress.

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If we adhere to these two simple rules our relationship problems can be easier to deal with, and the person on the other end of the interaction can feel respected and cared for in the process.

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It’s about accountability. We need to help people become more accountable for their behaviour, be it our kids, employees or others. It’s not our issue to deal with, but we can help.

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Most of all we must present as concerned parents or supervisors. This comes from a love for the other human being affected. We’re in this for them. With that sort of pure motivation, we should be able to demonstrate genuine concern (love) whilst presenting the truth in less confrontational ways.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
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I acknowledge Mr. Peter Simpson, Psychologist / Director of Boylan, Simpson & Simpson – Corporate Psychology Services. This article was inspired from Mr. Simpson’s material and presentation.