Without doubt the most valuable and practical thing I’ve learnt about the psychology of relationships and making them work came about 12 months ago when I was introduced to Transactional Analysis. I am suggesting that if you study this and acquire the skill you cannot fail to improve your most emotive relationships.
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Now, imagine you are in a situation of conflict with someone you love, or conversely, with someone you can’t stand. It’s an emotive situation; both of you are at fever-pitch. Who’s giving in? No one does in this sort of situation. And that’s the problem. You generally never get anywhere in an emotionally-charged atmosphere. At least one person loses and sometimes both parties lose out.
Now, imagine you are in a situation of conflict with someone you love, or conversely, with someone you can’t stand. It’s an emotive situation; both of you are at fever-pitch. Who’s giving in? No one does in this sort of situation. And that’s the problem. You generally never get anywhere in an emotionally-charged atmosphere. At least one person loses and sometimes both parties lose out.
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That’s the point of Transactional Analysis. It is simply understanding the basics of “adult” behaviour as compared with “child” behaviour—be clear on this though; the terms “adult” and “child” have absolutely nothing to do with a person’s age. It’s about maturity. Have you ever noticed a 14-year-old who seems more grounded and mature than a 60-year-old? It happens.
That’s the point of Transactional Analysis. It is simply understanding the basics of “adult” behaviour as compared with “child” behaviour—be clear on this though; the terms “adult” and “child” have absolutely nothing to do with a person’s age. It’s about maturity. Have you ever noticed a 14-year-old who seems more grounded and mature than a 60-year-old? It happens.
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The main principle is this: when you choose to communicate only via the “adult” mode of communicating, no matter how the other person communicates, you force maturity into the dialogue, albeit with utter respect for the other party. Typically, an emotive conversation sees both parties “parent” the other’s “child-side”—the wounded child in each of us. Done this way, both offend each other because nobody appreciates being “parented,” particularly grown adults. It becomes a vicious cycle with both taking turns parenting, only to be offended by the other because they’re treated like children.
The main principle is this: when you choose to communicate only via the “adult” mode of communicating, no matter how the other person communicates, you force maturity into the dialogue, albeit with utter respect for the other party. Typically, an emotive conversation sees both parties “parent” the other’s “child-side”—the wounded child in each of us. Done this way, both offend each other because nobody appreciates being “parented,” particularly grown adults. It becomes a vicious cycle with both taking turns parenting, only to be offended by the other because they’re treated like children.
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The “adult” mode of communicating and acting, on the other hand, is represented by behaviour that is realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable, and logical. This means that you won’t get it all your own way, but you will be able to keep a discussion on track and be able to negotiate a win-win outcome in most if not all situations. When the other party sees you behaving this way, with respect, they cannot help but reciprocate because all defences are down. Both parties should then be able to achieve what is important to them, as far as possible, and still find a position of compromise for the other.
The “adult” mode of communicating and acting, on the other hand, is represented by behaviour that is realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable, and logical. This means that you won’t get it all your own way, but you will be able to keep a discussion on track and be able to negotiate a win-win outcome in most if not all situations. When the other party sees you behaving this way, with respect, they cannot help but reciprocate because all defences are down. Both parties should then be able to achieve what is important to them, as far as possible, and still find a position of compromise for the other.
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I advise youth to do this with their parents, particularly when parents get emotive and want to assert their authority in authoritarian (not authoritative) ways. They should go with it, and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable, and logical. They will actually influence their parents through basic respect, de-powering the emotive mood. Of course, this is the way that parents should deal with their youth-aged children too, especially as teens seem to command respect, even when (by virtue of their behaviour) it is not really deserved. For both parties it is wise to behave this way, not only for the relationship, but also for one’s own inner-peace and sanity. There’s simply no need for all the stress.
I advise youth to do this with their parents, particularly when parents get emotive and want to assert their authority in authoritarian (not authoritative) ways. They should go with it, and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable, and logical. They will actually influence their parents through basic respect, de-powering the emotive mood. Of course, this is the way that parents should deal with their youth-aged children too, especially as teens seem to command respect, even when (by virtue of their behaviour) it is not really deserved. For both parties it is wise to behave this way, not only for the relationship, but also for one’s own inner-peace and sanity. There’s simply no need for all the stress.
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The truth is this: No adult behaves as an adult all the time—all adults behave like children sometimes. And although it’s difficult for teens to behave as adults it’s not impossible. Respect goes a long way, and my experience suggests that consistent respectful parenting works wonders.
The truth is this: No adult behaves as an adult all the time—all adults behave like children sometimes. And although it’s difficult for teens to behave as adults it’s not impossible. Respect goes a long way, and my experience suggests that consistent respectful parenting works wonders.
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It’s the same with work relationships. If you feel that your blood begins to boil or your heart thumps with adrenalin when a particular person approaches you, take courage and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable, and logical, no matter how they interact with you. Be consistent and don’t give up. Over days, weeks and months of this non-reactive behaviour, you will eventually see a change in the way this person interacts with you. You might be being bullied or harassed but you can wrest some control and power back purely in being more “adult.” It is a very empowering piece of information and a great skill to develop.
It’s the same with work relationships. If you feel that your blood begins to boil or your heart thumps with adrenalin when a particular person approaches you, take courage and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable, and logical, no matter how they interact with you. Be consistent and don’t give up. Over days, weeks and months of this non-reactive behaviour, you will eventually see a change in the way this person interacts with you. You might be being bullied or harassed but you can wrest some control and power back purely in being more “adult.” It is a very empowering piece of information and a great skill to develop.
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It takes courage to attempt it, rejecting your feelings in lieu of staying in control of your emotions and guarding your ability to think effectively, and it also takes persistence to master. To really master it takes years, but you have no time to waste in getting started.
It takes courage to attempt it, rejecting your feelings in lieu of staying in control of your emotions and guarding your ability to think effectively, and it also takes persistence to master. To really master it takes years, but you have no time to waste in getting started.
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Following is standard advice I would give a teenager who is trying to implement this better way of relating with parents:
Following is standard advice I would give a teenager who is trying to implement this better way of relating with parents:
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- It is best to be treated as an Adult. This makes us feel happiest and respected.
- Try to treat others as Adults—respect others as much as possible.
- You cannot behave like a Child and expect a Parent / peer / teacher to treat you as an Adult.
- To behave more like an Adult your words and tone must be without emotion—if you feel emotions rising try and delay saying or doing anything.
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- It is best to be treated as an Adult. This makes us feel happiest and respected.
- Try to treat others as Adults—respect others as much as possible.
- You cannot behave like a Child and expect a Parent / peer / teacher to treat you as an Adult.
- To behave more like an Adult your words and tone must be without emotion—if you feel emotions rising try and delay saying or doing anything.
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On Mistakes and Forgiveness…
- If you make a mistake and lose control, it is not the end of the world. Try and have the courage to say sorry, and at the right time, ask for forgiveness. Also, forgive yourself.
- If someone else makes a mistake with you, try and have a forgiving attitude towards them—try not to get emotional in response.
- Wherever this says “try” remember nobody is perfect. We all have bad days. We are after progress, not perfection. Grace covers the rest. Don’t give up.
- Continue to think positively.
- If you make a mistake and lose control, it is not the end of the world. Try and have the courage to say sorry, and at the right time, ask for forgiveness. Also, forgive yourself.
- If someone else makes a mistake with you, try and have a forgiving attitude towards them—try not to get emotional in response.
- Wherever this says “try” remember nobody is perfect. We all have bad days. We are after progress, not perfection. Grace covers the rest. Don’t give up.
- Continue to think positively.
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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.
© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.
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