Is it possible to arrive at the acceptance stage of grief without having experienced the preceding stages? It’s an absorbing question begging exploration.
Right upfront I would say that it is entirely possible to arrive at acceptance without having experienced all the stages of grief, or of having only experienced a little of some of them.
One categorical question must be asked, however, and that is was the loss that was grieved truly a loss? Sometimes losses occur and they are truly losses in that we can bear the reality of them, and we move immediately to acceptance, usually because there wasn’t the bond of intimacy with that thing or person we’ve lost. Then, there are losses that involve cavernous grief and torrents of despair.
Let us imagine the loss we have experienced involves intense grief.
Let’s imagine that there are nuances to the grief process that need to be validated.
The first is that there may be a strong tone of one of the stages, perhaps it’s anger, or perhaps it’s depression, and the other stages don’t show up as much. This might be about the particular situational features of the loss we are experiencing.
The second thing is, it might be our way to grieve through bargaining, or denial, or depression, or anger, or we may simply hold naturally to a theology of loss that has us arriving quickly at acceptance. This might be about how we, as individual persons, with our personalities, experience grief, signifying that we all grieve differently.
None of this is right or wrong.
There are no more valid ways of grieving than others.
The tussle of grief is the meandering journey toward acceptance. It is so frustrating for so many. On one hand many losses feature the need to remember our loved one, and yet on the other hand we also strongly desire resolution through reaching the acceptance stage.
There are a thousand ways to acceptance. There is no defined way. There are no rules to abide by to get there. It’s more a nebulous, always uncharted journey we ‘arrive at’, never too soon, and it can feel as though it’s a much longer journey than it needed to be.
There are people who will characteristically feel angrier in certain situations of loss especially where there is injustice, and in other situations of loss the grief will feature more bargaining or more depression. All these are immeasurable.
The feature of grieving that advances us to acceptance quicker and more fully is the nurturing of forgiveness for matters beyond our control. In such situations, a person looks at the reality of the situation and accepts what they cannot change, or they work toward it.
Part of this peace is nurturing gratitude for what we DO have,
to counteract the confounding feelings of grief that overwhelm.
One of the things the grief teaches us is empathy through connection with compassion for others who are suffering. Our own suffering opens the eyes of our heart, and the gift of empathy is given to us. The Bible truth of “it’s more blessed to give than to receive” comes into frame.
To a certain degree we need to experience some curiosity for the rest of the world we’re connected with. That is, whilst we are sufficiently broken in grief, we also hold the tension of reality for others, sensing that connection with others’ suffering is a key to facilitating the resolution of our own suffering. This is the reason many of us were connected to service or called to ministry in the first place.
A word to the person who is suffering grief right now: don’t be judged that you are grieving wrong, holding grudges, stubbornly refusing to move forward. Grief is like a piece of string where we can’t see the ends. We don’t know how long it is.
Part of the mastery of grief is accepting that it is a mystery, both in process and in timeline.
If the way you grieve isn’t the same as others you have watched or observed, don’t be discouraged. Try not to be influenced about how others experience loss and grief, for theirs is their own journey. Try to be free of whatever social norms for grief that might encumber you. Allow yourself freedom of judgement in your journey in your grief.
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