I think I will need to write about these things ad nauseam to get my point across. There is absolutely nothing that compares with receptive hearts able to listen and comprehend what is going on for the other person, and you need this in both parties. Then, truly then, does conflict become an opportunity where miraculous outcomes are possible.
When we deal with the opposite situation, which is rather the default, where one or both parties cannot step into the other side at all, there is no hope and the plans and dreams of both perish in a calamity of despair.
Far too many people have grown up in these circumstances as their parents warred with one another whether within the marriage or as divorced parties. Adults behaving as spoilt children, or as often is the case, one adult and on a collision course with tyranny, doing their best to steal, kill, and destroy as an agent of the enemy — always justifying such abhorrent behaviour.
The only hope for happiness for any of us is when we step out of ourselves long enough to stay in the other person and their interests. Interests are defined as what a person wants, and importantly WHY they want it. Many people want what they want because these are needs.
Consider that sometimes the way to get what you want is to give the other person what they want. Consider too the power dynamics within conflict. It is too easy to see ourselves as the least powerful. As a counsellor, I view anyone who feels unsafe as vulnerable and threatened as a party with less power, but of course often the other side says they feel unsafe too. It is one thing for a person to feel they’ll be taken advantage of, and it is another thing entirely for the other person to feel in mortal danger. See that in terms of safety?
The absolute masterstroke for an ex-husband, and I lived this life successfully for many years, is to keep on giving, keep on being kind, and keep on being understanding, and be the emotional support. The more you give your resources away with no thought of return, the more spiritual grace you’re given, and there’s nothing to compare material retention to spiritual graces.
What I’m trying to say to ex-husbands is throw away your demands, invest in a life that gives itself away, and you will suddenly find yourself living a life you always, deep down, wanted to live. Throw yourselves away to your children, giving them your time, your love, your energy, your kindness, your patience, your gentleness, and many times this is augmented by becoming known for a regimen of genuine apology. This cannot be faked. You will be believed when your heart has changed.
Do you want your children and ex-wife to start saying to people, “He has changed, now he’s so humble, and we feel safer, and he is now more trustworthy than ever.” Nobody will say these things about you until they see them in you for six or 12 months, because it requires a heart change, and heart change sticks simply because the core of life is in the heart.
As Proverbs 4:23 says, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life.” The best investment any Christian can make is to invest in watching over their heart, keeping it soft and pliable, so it would listen to others’ needs. A Christian’s life is a life of service to others, especially those in our family. Much of the time it is mothers who watch over their children and who notice their anxiety. Mothers and children have safety needs on a deeper plane than husbands ordinarily. There are some exceptions to this, but few in comparison. The parent who has the children’s needs most in mind needs to be listened to.
Finishing this where I started, change only comes when two hearts come together for the common good, but this will invariably involve one heart — predominantly the husband’s — willing to give by faith.
Indeed, it has been my experience that those who have given more have ultimately received more, but the heart must give in these situations with the intent not to receive. The heart must give away unconditionally. The heart must give away with the full expectation that anything that comes back to them will be offered back in return. There is no interest in returns.
The more we seek to bless another, the more we will be blessed.
Men, be the one known as humble enough to forge a new path for your estranged, broken marriage and family. Humility is the fuel of miracles. Just remember, humility expects nothing of others, and serves with cheerfulness.
Give away what you cannot keep to gain what you cannot lose — those riches in the eternal realm (yes, they come in the here-and-now) come at us WHEN we’ve given ourselves away.
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