When the cause of depression is due to the grief in loss

At times these two things, grief and depression, almost seem interchangeable.  In fact, it was in one of the most bizarre counselling sessions I ever had that the counsellor said, “You’re not suffering clinical depression but grief.”

What he was actually saying was incredibly profound.

If we’re not afflicted with a typical diagnosable depressive disorder, and most of us aren’t, much of what we tag as ‘depression’, certainly situational depression (i.e., there’s a reason for it), is actually depression layered within classic grief.

Grief is an emotional roller coaster where shock and numbness give way to lashings of self-doubt, anxiety, denial of what is happening (due to shock and sadness that is overwhelming), a bargaining not dissimilar to denial, anger as what has happened and the unfairness of life, acceptance in moments of strength, and finally depression — when the gravity of loss manifests with a thud each time.

Depression in grief feels just the same as clinical depression.  No energy or motivation, disinterest in eating, enjoyable things, life, much sorrow, emptiness, loneliness, the absence of hope, joy and peace, thoughts of self-harm, and the dread of anxiety we don’t wish on our worst enemies.

What makes depression out of grief most alarming is the roller coaster ride that leaves us completely at sea for what the next moment will be like.  Life feels an absolute mess and the chaos leaves us feeling that this is a new normal — a most terrifying thought!

But if we can only imagine getting all the way through the hellish period of adjusting to the loss. Whether it’s a job/career loss, a loved one, the loss of a relationship, a hope or a dream, there usually comes a time when the pain of moving forward becomes less than staying in the pain of loss.  We may become frustrated about being immobile.  We get sick and tired of being stuck.

There is certainly a clearer sense for hope if our depression was caused by a definitive loss or set of losses.  We can resolve that we’ll do the work of recovery.  And anyone who resolves to do that work will get through and they will recover.  It’s only a matter of time, and with every day we get closer to our goal.  It demands we’re humble with others and gentle with ourselves.  It means having safe support, wise people we can trust.  It all makes sense when we realise that that depressive grief teaches empathy, patience, kindness and grace.

Photo by Gabriel on Unsplash