The forgiveness of self that comes before the forgiveness of others

In the complex array of emotions that occurs in a flash through the situations of life as they happen to us, bewilderment may follow, and anger is inevitable, because, whatever the mind cannot make sense of, it distrusts and condemns—without thought—and outcomes are often regrettable.

Suddenly there’s a flurry of action that we find, deep within ourselves, is unforgivable.

Suddenly, moments after we’re behaved out of instinct, there is a strong rejection of self, which ironically manifests in more criticism and condemnation of the other person(s). All because we cannot face what we feel is idiotic, but that which can be explained, if only we can be patient with ourselves, and “hear” ourselves.

If only we can unpack the fuss and bustle of what our mind was dealing with. If only we charted what was REALLY going on. If only we were fair to ourselves and saw that single trauma or that conglomeration of stresses and understood WHY we behaved like we did.

There is always a WHY behind the WHAT.

Usually the events of conflict in our lives get so clouded in the relational realm, we forget to go inward and really try and track why WE reacted the way we did. If only we can feel understood for how anger or self-pity or jealousy caused us to hurt others, and if only we can feel compassionate toward ourselves, then we would more easily empathise with the others we’ve hurt.

We all need empathy and it doesn’t do justice to just band-aid our own hurtful behaviours by fabricating our apology—as if the other person is the only one deserving of understanding; as if we’re guilted into saying sorry.

It would be far better to understand what caused us to behave hurtfully in the first place, especially if hurting others is abhorrent to us, as it is to just about all of us.

Indeed, let’s say we find it despicable that we’ve hurt others. We’re so full of self-condemnation that our inner being is traumatised that we, ourselves, don’t even get a hearing. We can’t expect the person we hurt to empathise. They deserve our apology. BUT we do need to endeavour to understand WHY we behaved out of character.

This is where God’s Spirit enters the picture.

God’s Spirit witnesses everything. If only we could utter the prayer, “God, how on earth did I do such a thing? Please give me insight for self-understanding, so at least in feeling like you’ve helped me forgive myself, I can ask the person I hurt for their forgiveness with my head held high enough because my angst is reconciled.”

We all need to be met by God who forgives our anger, frustration, self-pity, envy, etc. There are real and valid reasons why we desire things, and we can desire things to the ends of anger, frustration, self-pity, envy, etc.

We need to understand that when circumstances conspire against us, and we cannot think quick enough in the moment of stress, our desires too quickly become demands, and we lose control, and we say and do regretful things.

We all do it.

If only we can feel understood ourselves,
we’re readier to understand the other person.

It makes sense to reflect over behaviours we feel guilty and ashamed about. When we see why they happened, we experience compassion for ourselves, and then we more naturally feel compassion for others.

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash