A prayer, God, that he might change

God of my life and that of my partner

You know even more than I do how often I’ve prayed this prayer to You; so many times, consciously and many times I’ve not even been aware. But You know the stirrings of my heart. You know what my heart longs for; that safety of place on this earth, within my relationship or without, to just be! You know how much I just want to BE. To be free to be.

Yet, I find I cannot, Lord, for what ails me. My heart is at pains for what I now realise I can no longer avoid. It’s coming to a head, and I don’t know where to turn.

I hardly need to utter the words, my God. But I will. I will humour You.

I need him to change, Lord; there, I said it! What he does and how he does it, to me, to the kids, Lord, You know. When he treats me like dirt, what does he think the kids think and feel? You know very well the impact he has on the children; it grieves me. He sometimes says sorry, but there’s always a ‘but’. There’s always an excuse. Then comes the blame. And when he’s really sorry, his commitments never stick. Is there any hope, Lord?

What am I to do?

I’ve done all I can to change my heart to accept the things about him that I can’t change, and yet our lives are still so untenable. Our life together is a sham when I and my friends and dear family consider what I put up with; those at least that I’ve let in. I feel so bad that I haven’t trusted some who seem trustworthy, it’s just that the stakes are so high. What if he were to find out?! It would be a disaster. (Oh God, why on earth do I feel so guilty, and why am I so loyal when he hasn’t been?)

Lord, I know that what I put up with is not Your will. I know that You hate the way we’re treated, and thankfully too, I know that when I choose to leave, I’ll have Your blessing. But I pray most sincerely that his heart would change; that finally he would become the man I think secretly he wants to become. Maybe I’m just being hopeful. Is that a sin, Lord, to be hopeful? Is it a false hope, God? And if only that little part of my heart would stop loving him, Lord! (If only I could control these things!)

Whatever happens, Lord, please, please, please, protect us. Put your hedge of angels around us, give us hope to sustain us in this tyranny, help us not lose heart, give us a fragment of Your joy, and provide a portion of peace for us, whatever happens. I am desperate for change.

Always in the precious, beautiful and strong name of Jesus I pray

AMEN.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash