I’m sure all you married guys out there relate with me when I paint the picture of the marital screaming match. Things are heated and both partners are getting nowhere fast. As the temperature reaches simmering point, he stops as if to realise the futility of the situation and begins another effort to understand his partner. It ends up that what she’s really upset about is not what he thought after all!
The light of reason goes on in our minds in these moments. It all begins to make sense and our wives no longer resemble a weird alien life form we couldn’t previously get through to. And for her, she’s just saying words to the effect, “At last! You understand, finally.”
It was only recently when a trusted mentor painted this image for me saying in a related conversation, ‘we need to find out what our wives are really saying; and, what is it that’s behind the frustration, resentment and anger.’
No one ever promised that romantic and companionate relationships would ever be easy, but what we can deduce from situations like this is this:
Hardly ever are one or both parties to the debate being pigheaded for no reason. There’s always something behind it. There are always real and tangible reasons for our negative reactions.
The real cause of the issue needs to be identified and then discussed sensitively--and this particular male would never venture to say that is an easy thing to do. It’s not straight forward for either partner.
This situation in a relationship resembles the negotiating of a minefield with charges potentially going off left, right and centre as we traverse tentatively toward the destination of understanding and effective relational compromise--the utopic win/win outcome.
As guys we must facilitate this, having faith that her emotion is almost always real and based on a trustworthy logic, as much as ours is. We have to be prepared to listen to what she’s not saying (or what we’re not hearing). Only then might we see the penny actually drop for her.
Copyright © 2009, S. J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
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