It doesn’t get much worse when your decades long marriage or relationship has ended at the instigation of the other party. You can understand people going to bed and not wanting to wake up. It feels like you’re dying. You can’t reconcile what has occurred and you can’t quite move on no matter how hard you try. I t seems like a long and terribly arduous journey ahead and you can’t see yourself actually getting through. No wonder people suicide, particularly men.
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Dido’s song “See The Sun Again” captures the mood and emotion of this time. It looks at it from a sister’s viewpoint as she watches her brother go through hell on earth. But what if you’re that sister and it’s your brother that’s going through it. How do you save him from harming himself and help him “see the sun again?”
Dido’s song “See The Sun Again” captures the mood and emotion of this time. It looks at it from a sister’s viewpoint as she watches her brother go through hell on earth. But what if you’re that sister and it’s your brother that’s going through it. How do you save him from harming himself and help him “see the sun again?”
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1. Ensure he talks and is able to express his emotions as much as possible. “Machoism” is ridiculous and dangerous. Guys must learn to tap into their emotions, sharing them with others too.
1. Ensure he talks and is able to express his emotions as much as possible. “Machoism” is ridiculous and dangerous. Guys must learn to tap into their emotions, sharing them with others too.
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2. Encourage him to increasingly do things for himself. Do not support him to the extent that he becomes too reliant on you setting up a co-dependent relationship.
2. Encourage him to increasingly do things for himself. Do not support him to the extent that he becomes too reliant on you setting up a co-dependent relationship.
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3. Persuade him to engage with people, including group therapy. “Dad’s in distress” and other similar groups are great for guys who need to share with others going through the same pain, and it’s important also for them to learn from those who’ve seen the sun again.
3. Persuade him to engage with people, including group therapy. “Dad’s in distress” and other similar groups are great for guys who need to share with others going through the same pain, and it’s important also for them to learn from those who’ve seen the sun again.
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4. Help him to stay fit and healthy. A guy’s self-esteem is crucial to getting through the grieving process. Most men draw their self-image from their physical wellbeing.
4. Help him to stay fit and healthy. A guy’s self-esteem is crucial to getting through the grieving process. Most men draw their self-image from their physical wellbeing.
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5. In your encouragement don’t stop the clichés like ‘the sun will rise tomorrow,’ and ‘tomorrow’s another day.’ Even though he might be angry about hearing them, he’ll remember them and they might give him hope in his darkest hour.
5. In your encouragement don’t stop the clichés like ‘the sun will rise tomorrow,’ and ‘tomorrow’s another day.’ Even though he might be angry about hearing them, he’ll remember them and they might give him hope in his darkest hour.
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6. Help him change. Sooner or later as he adjusts to new life on his own he’ll want to do new things. Encourage him to plan a weekend away.
6. Help him change. Sooner or later as he adjusts to new life on his own he’ll want to do new things. Encourage him to plan a weekend away.
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7. Discourage him from entering into another relationship. He needs time to adjust to the hurt and his feelings. If he enters another relationship odds are he’ll hurt and be further hurt himself.
7. Discourage him from entering into another relationship. He needs time to adjust to the hurt and his feelings. If he enters another relationship odds are he’ll hurt and be further hurt himself.
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8. Discourage him from taking drugs or alcohol to mask the pain. Substances are evil for the emotions. Masking the pain is no answer; in fact, it courts disaster.
8. Discourage him from taking drugs or alcohol to mask the pain. Substances are evil for the emotions. Masking the pain is no answer; in fact, it courts disaster.
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9. Remember that grieving is often one good day; one bad day... it seems to come in daily cycles of either the ‘good’ or ‘disaster’ variety. The cycle is normal and won’t last forever.
9. Remember that grieving is often one good day; one bad day... it seems to come in daily cycles of either the ‘good’ or ‘disaster’ variety. The cycle is normal and won’t last forever.
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These are only a few tips from someone who’s been through it on both sides. It’s important to remain hopeful and optimistic even if you don’t feel that way. It does eventually turn around. It just seems to take forever. You won’t mourn forever. The pain won’t be so acute one day. Believe it or not, you are on your way to life that you did not ever imagine possible -- in a good way. Just don’t ever give up!
These are only a few tips from someone who’s been through it on both sides. It’s important to remain hopeful and optimistic even if you don’t feel that way. It does eventually turn around. It just seems to take forever. You won’t mourn forever. The pain won’t be so acute one day. Believe it or not, you are on your way to life that you did not ever imagine possible -- in a good way. Just don’t ever give up!
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The world is so big. There are limitless possibilities for you or the person you know who’s currently suffering greatly. It can and will happen; the good life and better than before.
The world is so big. There are limitless possibilities for you or the person you know who’s currently suffering greatly. It can and will happen; the good life and better than before.
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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
1 comment:
Your good-hearted post reminds me of a book a former professor of mine wrote - I never got to read it, but the title says it all, a play on the title to the Paul Simon song:
"Fifty Ways to Love Your Leaver"...
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