Groaning Earth – She Limps Through Early Twenty-First Century

“It’s the end of the world as we know it” -- the song by rock band REM is characterised by a flurry of non-sensical words which summarise a pattern we recognise today.

s
She, and her human and economical systems, are breaking down and are in serious need of repair. All the while the bureaucrats of the world offer the same tired and ineffective rhetoric because they fail to acknowledge the truth and embrace it with the courage it requires from them -- they don’t have it; courage and truth.

s
The following is an excerpt from a 2002 UK Guardian “The Observer” report:

s
“Earth’s population will be forced to colonise two planets within 50 years if natural resources continue to be exploited at the current rate, according to a report out this week. A study by the World Wildlife Fund (WWF), to be released on Tuesday, warns that the human race is plundering the planet at a pace that outstrips its capacity to support life… The report, based on scientific data from across the world, reveals that more than a third of the natural world has been destroyed by humans over the past three decades.”[1]

s
When will the leaders of this earthly cosmos acknowledge we have really lost our way? When will it be mandated that the rich must begin to truly contribute to rehabilitating this world? When will the West stop shutting its ears and eyes to reality? When will the East stop fighting for what is really no-one’s? When will nations finally start to see the true distant future before us?

s
It defies belief that 100 years ago when much of the technological brilliance of humankind was still yet to be unleashed, there was so much promise still from earth and her stocks. In the two hundred years since the beginning of the industrial revolution we’ve only succeeded in threatening the existence of life itself. We’ve been poor stewards of the very resources we were entrusted with.

s
And look at us today; at an individual level we still don’t get it. There is still so much greed and selfishness around. Will we never get it? Will the breath of life be utterly sucked dry into the vacuum of the black hole -- never to have ever been known? What a legacy to leave! Annihilation. And all this in less than a few hundred years... humankind, shame.

s
Begs the question: is there a divine purpose afoot?

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

s
[1] This quote is directly from: http://bruner.net/2002/07/09/its-the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it/ and verified as genuine with a title of “Earth 'will expire by 2050'” available from: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2002/jul/07/research.waste

Relationship Makers – Do Things Without Needing Reward and Recognition

Your burgeoning relationship is all a blossom and things couldn’t be better. You’re impressed with each other. He is everything you’ve wanted / so is she. Things could hardly be better.

s
Trouble is you’re probably still in the ‘honeymoon’ period of the relationship where almost everything is seen in good light. There’ll come a time when that passion will wane, and the relationship, like all relationships, will become hard work -- but not without reward.

s
The truth is there’ll be many times when you’ll be required to do things without reward; there’ll be no recognition of your efforts. This is a trick for all ‘young players,’ and older ones too. We want what we deserve, right? Wrong. We don’t have to be thanked and recognised for everything, and for this I’ll explain.

s
We want this relationship to work, more than anything else. Are we prepared to put the level of work in required to achieve and sustain that goal though? What sort of work am I referring to? Here are a few suggestions:

s
1. Do things cheerfully without complaining -- remember complaints affect you adversely too.

s
2. Don’t do things for thanks and recognition alone -- do them for the right and purest reasons.
Try having some faith that the thanks and recognition will eventually come -- in some form. It might come in ‘return favours.’

s
3. Remember the love languages? Both you and your partner may not know or may not even be speaking each other’s love languages. Invest in the book and learn about them together.

s
4. Remember also the ‘love triangle.’ Passion is only one third; intimacy and commitment make up the other two thirds of the triangle, and it is commitment directly that I’m referring to here. Stay committed, unless you are really not being consistently treated very well.

s
5. Try and have a ‘discussion date’ on chores and other things you might disagree or potentially disagree on. Make it fun. I’d recommend “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.” This book nicknamed “SYMBIS” is a marvel for all relationships, particularly with the workbook.

s
6. Be prepared to frequently go past your 50 percent of ‘relationship effort’ at times. This could rub off on your partner, but don’t expect it to happen -- it’s only a possibility.

s
The romantic theory of relationships is that they’re always an ‘equal 50/50 percent effort deal,’ but that’s not the reality. There are inequities in all relationships, even the best ones.

s
Have some faith that the 60 percent effort you’re putting in in one area is being matched by your partner’s 60 percent in another area -- your respective 40 percent’s will show less as the other makes up the shortfall and provides forgiving grace.

s
SYMBIS also talks about the critical issue of the “Habit of Happiness” in relationships and how developing a positive attitude toward your partner and keeping this positive attitude is a key. Somehow this habit of happiness grows and after a while all you can see (most of the time) are the positives -- this protects the relationship against the little and not-so-little knocks and traumas that it will be subject to over time. It’s a choice for happiness.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Proud Father

Whilst at work today I bumped into Raj, a lovely Indian guy who works in our IT Systems Development section. We have a lot in common Raj and I... let's see, there's the cricket, IPL, Rajasthan... say no more -- we talk cricket.

s

After discussing, with much excitement, the impending IPL Finals, Raj announced he was father to a 2-week old baby girl! He then proceeded to show me photos of his first child from his mobile phone. I could see how proud he was.

s

It brings back memories for me. What an exciting (and draining) time it is when you first become a father or mother.

s

Hope it goes well for you, Raj, and your partner!

The Miracle of Truth – When Someone Admits The Truth About Themselves – Happiness Ahead

The greatest miracle of God is when people admit the truth about themselves -- forget about walking on water or feeding 5,000. When this miraculous thing happens it is nothing short of a miracle of God for all the pride and fear is, in an instant broken down, as they confess their inadequacies and commence repenting of (turning from) their broken ways.

s
Yet, how rarely this occurs is noteworthy. It almost never happens; so it is with God and angels rejoicing when one sinner repents (Luke 15) -- they so rarely see it. The difficult bit is God doesn’t give life without confession and repentance. It’s simply the way life works. The frustrating thing is every human being has the capacity for it but 99.9 percent of the time we choose not to.

s
Paul Koptak says that more Christians claim to have dealt with their sins than in fact the number that actually do. The number of so-called mature Christians who’ve ‘been that way’ for twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years without changing -- without God truly changing them -- is startling. They’ve never truly experienced the light and Spirit of God if they couldn’t go on with him. They remain uninspired and perhaps further from Christ than ever. It takes a true sense and commitment of courage to express and live faith.

s
Wasn’t it Christ that said, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’”? (Matthew 7:21-23) The central premise of the true Christian life is a turning back to God -- it’s not going our own way. Yet many selectively go their own way and veil it as ‘going God’s.’ This is not adhering to the truth.

s
The Power of True Repentance

s
Few have truly done it enough to have mastered it. Mastering it is about making it instinctive in what we do, so that God’s truth always becomes an overriding commander of us -- more than pride. So, it is awareness first and foremost, and then it is an unabashed, daring commitment to “hardship as a pathway to peace,” as is mentioned in the long version of the Serenity Prayer. The ‘hardship’ is a nose-hardened approach to repentance; taking the difficult, less-travelled, narrow road.

s
The Benefits of Acknowledging the Truth

s
The benefits of acknowledging the truth about yourself are at least four-fold:

s
For one you are open to God’s gift of learning. You all of a sudden have a thirst to learn because you’re unafraid of not knowing things.

s
Another one is balance. You stand to be gifted with the ability to tell the truth about yourself without needing to under inflate or over inflate yourself. You are being truthful because you’re not scared of it in yourself anymore.

s
Another one is receptivity. Being true and grounded in yourself means you have room for growth, room to learn, and the power to receive and not simply give your own warped views and opinions that are based in lies -- or more gently put white lies of untruth that everyone speaks yet we pretend not to hear; the lie that is.

s
You can be curious. And positive curiosity is all about extracting truthful opportunities from life; opportunities that are directly in favour of God’s will as they never hurt anyone and only add sparkle to everyone’s lives -- except in the life of the envious onlooker who wishes failure on the daring. Goethe did say, “Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” Canadian author and pastor Basil King said, “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.” It is so true. True curiosity is about fearing nothing but God.

s
This is hard-hitting stuff. Check yourself. Everything you do and say: does it align with the truth? You will find that your life is probably infested with lies or untruths. And that’s okay, because as soon as you’re aware of it, you can begin to start dealing with it. I say begin, because the patterns and the strength of the bad habits (the living pattern of the lie) will be difficult to break initially. It’s then about undoing the tension, and unravelling the twisted mess, slowly but surely. I find the following Shamanic quotation tremendously encouraging: “We hardly ever realize that we can cut anything out of our lives, anytime, in the blink of any eye.”

s
Not one of us is immune to living lies in life; not one -- except of course, the Saviour. His sweet irony is, he helps us spiritually. Don’t reject his offer. It is the key to real happiness.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Project Managing Your Personal Life

I recently went to a facilitation workshop and learned the “9 Knowledge Areas of Project Management.” These knowledge areas are pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of success in successfully managing a project; any project.

s
But, why is it that projects at work or in our vocations are given more priority and planning than the ‘main project’ that is our life? In truth, we hardly ever think of our life journey -- from cradle to grave. What will it be like later in life when we might finally be forced into reflecting over the life we’ve lived -- will there be any regrets? Project managing life might help identify, and therefore prevent, some of these regrets and assist us capitalise on what time we have ahead of us.

s
Using the 9 Knowledge Areas, here are some considerations in planning our lives; the ‘main project’:

s
Scope: What are the boundaries we need to operate within? We need boundaries or life can become awfully unbalanced. We need to ensure we don’t over-extend ourselves. What two or three things are you going to really focus your life on? Considerations include: family, friends, a sporting interest, career, a pastime, spending time in nature, or a skill we want to develop. You can phrase this as a ‘life purpose’ in one sentence if you like.

s
Time: We all get the same time, 24 hour days; seven days in one week etc. How to make the most of our time, in fulfilling our life purpose, and still remain balanced is a crucial step in finding our equilibrium. Our use of time is the most fundamental statement of our lives.

s
Risk: Taking risks is required in life yet some risks have dire consequences, whilst others not taken mean lost opportunities. Like the previous two, risk is a pendulum. Knowing what risks to take and when to take them is really important. As a rule of thumb risks need to be carefully weighed; we should only take well-calculated risks, based always in wisdom.

s
Cost: What are the costs for where you’re going? This is not simply a monetary question. What will you have to forego, and what will you have to save and spend to get there? Money and other resources are simply tools for getting us to where we’re destined to go. It has its purpose and that’s all.

s
Human Resources: What human beings do you have access to? -- To learn from; to utilise in getting places or in terms of knowledge. What relationships will you need / want to foster? What human resources (types of people) will you need access to? Who will you need to associate with?

s
Procurement: Supplies. We’ve dealt with the human element above but what “things” will you need to enable you to meet your objectives and achieve your goals. For instance, if you wanted to become a professional sportsperson, you’d need the best training and game day equipment.

s
Communications: This is a key in any life quest -- being able to communicate effectively is highly valuable skill. Both in core (actual field of endeavour) and auxiliary (supporting that field) functions, the value of sound communications cannot be overestimated. Invest in developing your communications skills.

s
Quality: Ensuring everything you do meets a certain standard is important for reliability. If people can rely on you and what you do for them, it will go a long way towards success for you. Consistency is highly underrated.

s
Integration: Lastly, everything above needs to be considered together -- as an integrated package. The whole project (your life) is of greater value than the sum of its (compartmentalised) parts.

s
Seeing your life in terms of a project lasting your lifetime is a wonderful way to gain perspective of the whole. I don’t know about you, but I would hate to get to the twilight years and wonder ‘what might have been’ had I planned and mused about my life more and earlier on.

s
Being deliberate and intentional about life means we’ll inevitably get so much more from it.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

How To Best Receive Praise

You do something well and someone makes a point of letting you know. They take time and effort out to visit you and cheerfully praise and thank you -- how do you respond? Most of us, and I am certainly one, have trouble dealing with praise. We either shrink back and don’t know how to say thanks properly, or we get a big head and get all full of pride.

s
Have you ever thought of how you handle praise? What about giving it; do you?

s
Proverbs 27 has a lot to say regarding our subject, for instance: “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.” We are never to draw attention to ourselves via what good things we’ve done. How do you go? I know this is a good barometer for me, and I like to reflect on this most days to check and ensure I’m not either speaking too well of myself, or seeking praise by doing things for the wrong reasons.

s
The same chapter also says, “The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but a person is tested by the praise they receive.” This essentially contrasts ‘the court’ for both precious metals and human character viz Fire is the trial for silver and gold; and a man is tried by the mouth of them that praise him. We are found guilty, in effect, for getting a big head when we’re praised -- instead, we’re to somehow deal with this praise in a humble, accepting way.

s
In another Wisdom book of the Bible, Ecclesiastes, it derides the value of praise altogether: “Then too, I saw the wicked buried -- those who used to come and go from the holy place and receive praise in the city where they did this. This too is meaningless.”

s
Our mouths are designed ostensibly for speaking well of others, not ourselves. Praising ourselves is meaningless. We need to stiffly reject the temptation to wallow in our own vanities and victories, instead looking to the good that is to be found in others. Find someone to praise rather than swim in your own.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

What’s In A Name – The Decreasing Value Of A Person

Is there any value in a name these days -- to be known by your name? When you’re born your mother and/or father gives you a name and from that time on you’re known by that name. Only rarely does someone reject the name and change it by deed poll to something different -- it’s special.

s
My daughter told me recently that her friend Elysia works at a local movie theatre and it’s common practice for management to require her and other employees to wear incorrect name badges. They just need to wear one, any badge -- for appearances. It’s good that they don’t take it to heart and she just chooses one of the badges she finds funniest -- she has three to choose from, incidentally.

s
Only the other day I was at a gas station paying for fuel and I noticed the cashier wearing “Ilona” as a name badge. I’d seen her before this and she’d normally worn “Sherry.” Curious about name badges from my earlier conversation with my daughter, I asked her if she’d lost her name badge. She mentioned that her name was in fact Naomi! It seems incorrect name badges are quite common.

s
What does this say? Perhaps it’s an illustration for a slightly lost world that’s sold on image and appearance over truth. What’s the value in a casual or part-time employee? Not much it seems – at least not enough to get them their own name badge. And what does this say for the poor consumer who might think they’re dealing with Ilona or Sherry when in fact it’s Naomi who’s the real person. Does Naomi care? Probably not.

s
We live in a cheap world where you really have to look hard for value at times. People are treated more as commodities these days.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

s

Afterthought:

I checked my rationale again. I went into this same gas station again and asked the mature-of-years lady behind the counter if her name was really "Heidi," to which she replied, "Of course, and I come from Switzerland," which she incidentally barked in a strong Australian accent!

Men’s Secret in Loving Women – Get Affectionate

It is no secret really, yet most men don’t have a clue, much to the chagrin of women. The way men are ‘wired’ they seem incapable of remembering how to ‘woo and win’ their wives and partners. And it just so happens the opposite problem, ‘giving him sexual fulfilment,’ is the thing that kills more marriages for most men -- is it a case of ‘never the twain shall meet’? I think there is more hope for a meeting of the minds and hearts than that.

s
Getting affectionate... most men have trouble maintaining affection for their partners/wives past the first year or two. It’s not that they don’t want to; they just don’t think that way. Men think sexually, whereas most women don’t see sex that simplistically -- it’s integrated as part of a total package (intrinsically linked with affection) and they need hours or even days of consideration to be “seducible.” Being affectionate for the man is the way to a woman’s heart and the way to the best sex -- for her -- which means it’s the best for him too.

s
Here are some considerations toward becoming and staying more affectionate:

s
Hugs: Hugs are cheap and easy to give! They are definitely the number one item on the affection menu. Hug genuinely and lovingly and you’re halfway there. Most women require a dozen hugs a day, and long “body” hugs (without the expectation of sex) are definite winners. A dozen hugs might seem an exaggeration -- try it out; you might be surprised by the results.

s
Flowers: This is the traditional number one but can be expensive. Try and get colours and arrangements that show you’re thinking of her. What’s her favourite flower? If you don’t know why not ask? -- But also observe.

s
Manners matter: Politeness is still important no matter how long you’ve been together. This means if you fart say, “Excuse me,” and be considerate how you do it. It means saying your pleases and thank you’s. Don’t be invited to use your manners -- let it come from you.

s
Communicate: Talk with your spouse. Talk about her day. Talk about your day. Talk about things that interest her. Talk about things that draw you both together as a couple. Talk about your problems but do so in a gentle and caring way. Talk about her problems from the viewpoint of wanting to provide her support, not to “guide” her... enter listening...

s
Listen: Most people find it hard to actively listen, and this certainly applies to men, generally. Men, get disciplined to listen with care to your partner and learn to bite your tongue when you’re tempted to interrupt her. Just listen. (Active listening allows you to talk only to ask clarifying questions that help you understand and demonstrate empathy.)

s
Cook: Preparing a nice sumptuous meal (and cleaning up!!) can win your way into your wife’s heart very easily. “Sex begins in the kitchen!” is the catch-cry and there’s good reason, as mentioned in one of the opening paragraphs.

s
Seek feedback: Speak to your partner about it. Ask her honestly to rate your affection and seek feedback on where you can improve. Again, listen. Listen to more than her words; listen also for what she’s not saying.

s
Get physical: As well as hugs most women love being touched but not in the areas of the body (or the ways) most men think. It’s usually the innocuous areas like the neck, upper and lower back, feet and hands that get most women going -- again, not in the way most men think. Spending time gently caressing a woman in these ways will demonstrate genuine love for her – part of the ‘wooing and winning’ process. Try doing this whilst watching a movie, attending a school concert, or even in church! (Check she’s okay with it in public places and in front of the kids.)

s
It can’t be understated too much that women want a genuine man -- someone who’s not a phony! If you’re going to be affectionate do it for the right reasons; that is to love her as she deserves to be loved -- not for sex (though you might see more/better “action” when she perceives you caring genuinely). Women can pick impure motives miles off.

s
It’s said that “the earth trembles under three things, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress.” It doesn’t make sense that a married woman is not loved.

s
Find out what works for your spouse and then simply do it.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

s
Acknowledgement for key input to this article, and my thanks for teaching me how to be more affectionate, go to my wife Sarah.

s

This article was inspired by Willard F. Harley's His Needs, Her Needs (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House Company, 1986, 2003), pp. 30-41.

Getting To The Real Problem

When someone comes to us and has a problem we need to be prepared with an open mind to listen, and even listen openly enough to expect that what they bring us (as their issue) may not actually be ‘the’ issue -- it might be a cover for the real problem. It’s only with a questioning mind-set that we might find out the real problem.

s
We’re funny creatures aren’t we? The problems we raise in our relationships with other people -- and how we raise them -- is what I’m getting at. People so often confuse issues. When people raise problems with other people the issue they raise is often a “symptom” of an underlying “cause” and not the real issue. We need courage, planning, and love to deal effectively with this problem.

s
Sometimes, the people most important to us will raise issues that bother them, and they’ll do it without really thinking “what” the real problem is -- they just present as unhappy. This seems bizarre but it happens all the time. It is our human nature to protect the ‘real us’ inside; by not having to confront someone else with something potentially hurtful (but truthful), we protect ourselves from potential counter confrontation. We’re scared that the other person will be hurt and they will then want to retaliate, or worse the relationship is damaged irreparably. Not a good outcome.

s
We may find the real issue is too difficult to broach and we then tip-toe over or around it -- and we can’t just go ‘through’ it. It’s a sensitive area for us, or for them, or both parties. It creates complexities in our relationship that we wished weren’t there.

s
This is where courage is required to cut to the truth. But we need to act in a loving way or we risk hurting the other person. It takes thought and planning. This is where ‘boundary conversations’ come into their own. I love boundary conversations because they push our relationship communications into the realm of truth and healing. They encourage us to relate with reality and not simply pretend that everything’s rosy when that could be the farthest thing from the truth.

s
In sum, we need to learn to dig deeper, and “pinpoint” the actual problem; this can often occur best with appropriate questioning to lead the other person to identify the issue for themselves. Targeted coaching–type questions need to be consistently open and respectful and exhibit the care and protection of love. At the right time, a short, clear and concise statement of fact can be made to create an insightful moment of truth -- and impetus for change. Healing is affected in that both parties feel the relief that the truth has been identified and entered into. It breathes life to the relationship.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

s
A great resource for planning all sorts of boundary conversations is from Dr’s. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s called Boundaries Face to Face – How to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding, (Sydney/Grand Rapids, Michigan: Strand/Zondervan, 2003).

Principle of Reversal – What Goes Around Comes Around

It’s astounding how so many people still do not realise this simple rule of relationships. It sums up all relationship rules and compresses them into one easy-to-remember quote that everyone should memorise and practise as much as possible -- at least those who wish to win over souls and live at peace with everyone.

s
The Golden Rule[1] is this: “Do to others what you would have them do to you...” In other words, it is living this question constantly: “What would I want done to me?” Here is a checklist of practical considerations.

s
On positive things you might do to others:-

s
1. Give to others without sparing -- this is a real faith tester;
2. Give things back to people you’ve borrowed from -- on time each time, and perhaps with a special ‘thank you’;
3. Save your speech for building another person up; and,
4. Resist laziness and greed by being diligent and prudent in your relationships -- you’ll attract this response in others.

s
On negative things you should not do to others:-

s
1. Don’t take more than your share of anything; truth is you don’t need it;
2. Don’t lie -- lies always have a negative relationship effect, damaging at least one, and usually more;
3. Don’t slander others or talk (or even think) ill of others. Become aware of how much you do it and then set a goal to stop doing it -- it won’t happen overnight but it will happen if you want it enough; and,
4. Don’t expect others to treat you better than you treat them. This is illogical thinking.

s
Think more in terms of: “What if what I’m thinking of /saying about/doing to another person, they were thinking of /saying about/doing to me?” Not a very pleasant thought is it?

s
You have the opportunity to create a world for yourself where blessings and honour are daily and routine things. The opposite is equally the case if you choose not to abide by the Golden Rule.

s
Be honest with yourself on this subject. It’s probably the single most important piece of relationship and living advice anyone can get and it makes so much sense -- what goes around indeed comes back around. It could be a smile or a slap in the face -- the choice is yours.

s
This is not new. It’s been around thousands of years already. Get in-tune with it.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

s
[1] See Matthew 7:12.

We Do Not Lose Heart – When Tempted To Give Up

When the odds are stacked against us we are to not lose heart. Somehow we know that we will be okay; we’ll have what we’ll need.

s
When we’re hard pressed and confused, and even pursued in life, we cannot afford to give up. Despair does not overcome us.

s
We do this -- continuing on and not capitulating, because we know we’re not forsaken or abandoned -- we have the absolute presence of the Almighty God.

s
The secret is “this treasure” we have. It’s held within an ordinary clay jar -- which is our mortal body. The treasure is his Spirit.

s
Victorious speech. It has to be. We give up any illusion of self-sufficiency as we rely fully on God’s power. We cannot lose.

s
Times can be consistently perplexing yet we still do not ever cower down... instead it is a quiet confidence we have that somehow knows all will be okay.

s
Yet we will feel like giving up. It seems too much for us. Then we’re reminded: ‘It’s not me, but him.’ His power, his glory, his blessing. Him.

s
We see the light. We see that the light and momentary troubles we have are nothing... NOTHING compared with his glorious, majestic revelation riches in eternity.

s
We serve in this environment because God inspires us; nothing else... certainly not for earthly gain. He makes it possible for us to bear up even in the midst of tragedy.

s
For we know that if our Saviour was raised and backed up; we also will be raised and helped.

s
And this is the Gospel: in our moment-by-moment death (to ourselves), others see HIS life -- what he stood for -- our Saviour.

s
Life -- spiritual life. Others for us; me for others. Outdoing each other for his glory. That’s the Spirit!

s
This piece was inspired by Paul’s 2 Corinthians chapter 4.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Punishing People for Innocent Mistakes

There are so many times in life when people are unnecessarily punished for making innocent mistakes and errors, mainly of human nature.

Sometimes the punishment 'fits the crime' like the speeding fine I got recently -- even though it was an error or lapse on my behalf it 'corrects' a general behaviour and creates a higher awareness in me to adhere to the road rules with more consistency.

But there are times when people are punished for mistakes that bring consequences not so dire as the risk of a road crash. This is where grace is lacking in the person bringing the punishment.

I see this in a lot of 'cursed' parents who wish to take their issues out on their kids... and so the curse continues on into another generation. People like this stand for selfishness and untruth. They don't see the folly in this thinking or behaviour. It is most unfortunate. These people won't be told -- they know better. These people are Proverbial Fools. They refuse to see the damage they're engendering.

How do we respond? We parent children from another viewpoint that points to truth, through faith in God. He guides us so we can guide our children. Do we discipline our children -- yes. Do we love them even then? Yes! Even more is there an opportunity to love them through discipline and instruction.

Are you punishing anyone in your life who might only be making predictable errors and mistakes, particularly your children? They may make mistakes over and over again -- the same ones... is your patience being tested? If so, good. Make sure YOU show them how an adult is supposed to behave by remaining in control of your emotions. Most of all you're showing them in your patience, that you have unconditional love for them. It is hard, but not impossible.

You will soon see the results of your parenting. What outcomes do you want to see?

Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Sleep – When Inquisitiveness Is Bad For You

You have a thought buzzing through your head and this would be good -- it’s just that you’re sleeping or at least trying to, and thinking is the last thing you should be doing. It keeps you up when you should be making the most of the time to sleep.

s
We need to identify the cause of why we’re thinking when our cognitive processes should be in neutral, and do something about it.

s
Sleep is vital to the healthy functioning of the body, mind, and soul. If we get more than seven (7) hours of sleep we’re at low health and safety risk, but if we get less than five (5) hours sleep we’re at high risk.

s
Things to do:

s
1. Try and go to bed and rise at the same times each evening and morning.
s

2. Don’t have a big meal or exercise before sleep.

s
3. Relax your mind prior to sleeping.

s
4. Try not to get ‘over-tired.’

s
5. If you do come up with ideas in your sleep or prior to getting off to sleep, quickly write them down and then forget about them until morning.

s
6. I find a clever little technique in getting to sleep is to simply focus on breathing. This takes some discipline but if you can focus on your breathing even for five minutes you should start to feel sleepy.

s
Don’t settle for insomnia if you can help it. You deserve your rest and your sleep. There’s nothing quite like experiencing the vitality of being awake for the whole day when you once experienced sleep deprivation.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

The “Personalness” of God

“Meanwhile his disciples urged him, ‘Rabbi, eat something.’ But he said to them, ‘I have food to eat that you know nothing about.’ Then his disciples said to each other, ‘Could someone have brought him food?’”

s
-John 4:31-33

s
Our experience of God is very personal. He relates with us intimately. We can all say with very real authority, about some things in our lives, that God gives us special and divine revelation through his Spirit, in ways that no one else knows -- no-one else can possibly know, not even a close family member. How special is this relationship we have with God that he does this? And no-one who lives is spared -- each person is gifted.

s
The basis of this theory is: it isn’t apparent to anyone else what is apparent to us (and vice versa). There is an endless stream in the God-realm. Each one of us is only able to see what God intends for us to see -- i.e. part of the stream (ours) -- and even then we may choose not to see it. We, as individuals, can see our part of the God-stream; that is The Truth. Nobody else can see through our eyes, but they can get a glimpse -- this is where human communication becomes important.

s
All of us assume that we know what’s going on within other people’s minds and hearts. Truth be known, it’s only ever an attempt. It’s all it can be. Our secrets are known only to ourselves and God unless we tell others -- again, others can only have a glimpse of the reality of the secret, as their skewed perception and ours becomes the barrier to proper and accurate alignment in understanding. Transference of individual realities is hindered by the slant we put on the other reality.

s
Sounds complicated doesn’t it. It’s really rather simple. Jesus was thought to be hungry. He had to be. He hadn’t eaten in a long time. But the body is more than food, and Jesus knew how to live on God alone. There is another spiritual meaning to this passage I think, and that is what I’ve been discussing, and will attempt to summarise below.

s
God gives us our own special, unique understanding of him and the world around us -- he gives us spiritual ‘food to eat that [others can] know nothing about.’ It’s like this. Imagine going into a shopping mall, and you can see, hear, and touch everything. You observe things and so do others; you hear and so do others; you talk, as do others. Everyone perceiving things -- different things -- simultaneously. Everyone ‘gifted’ with senses to engage with the world around them.

s
Now, imagine seeing what everyone sees, and hearing everything that everyone hears simultaneously, and perfectly – as if having perfect perception of the person seeing and the person hearing... only God can do that. It’s his God-stream.

s
The point? If God is this wondrous; that he sees, hears, and understands everything, how is it that he stoops low enough to grace me and you with his presence; to give us our own exceptional perspective of life? What a privilege it is to know that God will give you and I not only what we can understand, but what we understand collectively, so we can also share the experience of relationship with him.

s
No one will see God quite like how I see him. And you will see God in a way that only you can.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Benefits and Bliss of the Quiet Mind

Robert Louis Stevenson said, “Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock in a thunderstorm.”

s
This is resilience is it not? No matter what comes against it, the mind of such a person responds the same way. It continues on. It treats both extremes of triumph and disaster the same way -- as the impostors they are -- thanks Rudyard Kipling. This resilient life is not dependent on external circumstances for its peace. Peace is an internal construct, entirely independent of earthly condition; even set apart from it.

s
These are some ways toward gaining a ‘quiet mind’:

s
1. Keep a simple life. De-clutter your life and learn to live with less… fewer possessions (especially “toys”); a focused time schedule; and, less on your mind, which equals less stress and fewer distractions.

s
2. Study resilience. Become more optimistic and forward-looking. Find and develop ways of coping with life stressors naturally.

s
3. Get quiet time each day. Quiet time to be alone and thoughtful and reflective. Being still in our society in the twenty-first century is never easy to do but the rewards are worth it.

s
4. Commit to becoming and ‘overcomer.’ Don’t venture down the ‘complaint path,’ instead find the good out of every life circumstance -- good, bad or indifferent. (There is GOOD in every thing that happens to us -- our task is to find it.) You’ll be surprised how easy it is to overcome things when you learn the biggest battle’s in the mind.

s
5. Be disciplined regarding self-talk. Make it constructive and fair, but commit to quieting your mind.

s
6. When we feel like giving up, we should simply express faith by being patient and enduring through the difficulty before us. We can endure more than we think we can.

s
7. Lastly, the Shaman’s use the rule of momentary retreat when odds can’t be dealt with. Be wise: when things get unworkable simply let the mind wander -- we can occupy our time with something else -- anything else.

s
As the clock ticks, never stopping -- never going backwards, only ever steadily forwards -- so does the person who remains unruffled in all circumstances -- thanks Thomas Jefferson. All the while the thunderstorms of life approach, hit, and leave. The clock still ticks. And we cope. There’s an innate strength that pervades the soul here; generating energy for the restless souls that this resilient life touches -- it is ‘God strength.’ It is immutable, all-conquering.

s
The quiet mind is not only resilient and peace-filled, it is free to ponder what might be -- it is finally creative! It has reserves in store to both power thinking processes, and, to explore the vast landscape of possibilities before it. This is utter freedom. If we want to achieve anything of real note we ought to realise that simplicity, resilience, faith, peace, and creativity are genuine keys to success.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Article Summary: “Taking a Punch: Building a more resilient Australia.”

Australia is at far greater risk from natural disaster than terrorism. Under slightly different circumstances Cyclone Larry could have been Australia’s equivalent to Hurricane Katrina. Similar planning is involved in anticipating and dealing with all ‘extreme events.’ Even though $10B has been invested on counter-terrorism since 9/11, the Australian community in general is underprepared in the face of such high consequence (natural and terrorism) disasters. Leaders are required to develop a ‘national resilience program’ to secure Australia.

s
Resilience is dealing adequately with change. It is ‘capacity to withstand’ the disaster, quickly returning to the pre-disaster state, and learning from the experience. Australians typically bounce back quickly. But, the community at large has an overly optimistic attitude of our “000,” Defense Force, and SES volunteer response capability. As a case study, a disaster like the 2002 Bali Bombings has done much to leave this false impression.

s
Australia has been very lucky not have faced the “Big One” yet. Cyclone Tracy and the Granville train smash are our largest scale catastrophic events -- small by world standards. Our hospital systems would quickly be overwhelmed in a large-scale disaster; much quicker than some other Western countries. There are many choosing ‘sea-change’ and ‘tree-change’ lifestyles which face inevitable disaster risks. The ageing population is confounding our ability to effectively maintain our volunteer resources. By 2050 we’ll have four-times the number of over 50’s.

s
Australia’s penchant for cutting down (recent criticism and litigation) the tall poppy is seeing the best people reluctant to take up critical counter-disaster posts. Privatisation of community assets and infrastructure means they’re not as readily accessible and a high percentage of Councils are economically stressed. Residentially, Australia is not responding to climate change risks and the general risks attributed to climate change are compounding. National infrastructure is under stress and inadequately prepared to prevent devastating damage or changes to quality of life from a disaster. Physical infrastructure (e.g. bridges) is typically aged and in dire need of better maintenance.

s
Decentralised Australia is overly reliant on transport, and susceptible to congestion and urban encroachment. Power services are not very adaptable to renewable resources. Storm water infrastructure is outdated. Australia is in a relatively poor position (20th/25 OECD) regarding infrastructure preparedness for disaster.

s
National security leaders have yet to be frank with the community about these issues due to fear of panic. The UK has used a transparent (opposite) approach. A fundamental shift is required for Australia to move from a ‘need-to-know’ to a ‘need-to-share’ paradigm.

s
Page 7ff of this report outlines nine (9) initial steps government, industry and the community can adopt to build national, state and local resilience.

s
Reference:
[SEC=UNCLASSIFIED] D. Templeman & A. Bergin, “Taking a Punch: Building a more resilient Australia,” in Strategic Insights, Australian Strategic Policy Institute, Issue 39, May 2008, ISSN 1449-3993

Time to Remember

Our second honeymoon was a great break away that we both enjoyed quite specially. From the silence of the bush at Channybearup to the excitement of the swaying Tree Top Walk, to fun times, to times alone with each other, we have a cherished time to remember.

s
It was also a time to remember what occurred this time last year, and more importantly, how it occurred. We stopped in Donnybrook for a walk around Midday and noted that the wedding last year was really about to commence, and as we drove to Bunbury, we counted down the minutes (12:17 PM) when Sarah began walking down the aisle! Nothing was as good as “now” -- being together as a couple to reminisce. We affirmed our love.

s
We had the ideal break. We saw the sights and also chilled out. We had home cooked (romantic) evening meals but bought lunches. We drove away but not too far away; and the sound of the bush where we stayed was breathtaking. We took photos as well, and had a play with some portraits and landscapes.

s
The climax to our weekend away was our evening anniversary date at Seasons restaurant at the Atrium. We affirmed our love again. Later, we went and did something we hadn’t done since before we were married -- we parked and I gently cuddled Sarah and caressed her hair and face. We re-captured something.

s
We re-captured the fact that our marriage can be like this any time we want it to be. We simply need to make the time and effort to love each other. It’s really quite simple. It’s enjoying the journey, not striving for the destination!

Learning Lessons – the Easy and the Hard Way

It is said we learn either one of two ways: the easy way or the hard way. The theory is this -- the easy way of learning things is via observing others and learning from their mistakes, versus the hard way, which is learning lessons from our own hard mistakes.

s
Apart from a wonderful time away, my first wedding anniversary will always be memorable for one of the hard lessons learned. Driving back from the south-west, complete with the guidance of a borrowed GPS, I was using the 5 kilometre error in my speedometer to take my speed to the limit. Normally I’m a very careful driver with my speed. As it happened I inched up and over the speed limit -- in fact my vehicle was well over the 110 kph limit on a particular stretch of road that’s known for accidents -- and one that’s heavily patrolled.

s
I was only temporarily over the limit but I’d been skating close to the edge for the entire weekend. It is plain to me now that the $150 fine and the two (2) demerit points I got for speeding are actually a huge blessing in disguise as I find God reminding me of the promise I made to obey all the road laws this year and beyond. I get $20 per fortnight pocket money and it will take three months to pay for the fine, but I’m glad because it is a good way of learning a hard lesson.

s
Some people might think that my thinking’s a little bizarre. But I know that paying for hard lessons with grace and acceptance is the best way of dealing with the pain and embarrassment that inevitably comes. It’s hard initially but easier in the longer run.

s
If you have a hard lesson to learn, learn it once and for all, as much as you possibly can:

s
~~ Don’t reject the lesson, skirting your responsibility. If you transgressed it is you that must pay.

s
~~ Don’t get down on yourself -- stay positive. If you can accept the lesson there’s no need to berate yourself.

s
~~ Ensure that others, where possible, aren’t also punished for your mistakes -- my wife shouldn’t have to ‘fund’ my fine from the family budget -- that would punish her when she’s not at fault.

s
~~ Make sure you apologise to people affected and seek their forgiveness also.

s
It is no real issue if you consider you’ve actually done everything to learn a lesson from a mistaken or erroneous action. The main thing is learning the lesson and then moving on. Don’t worry; if you haven’t in fact learned the lesson properly, you’ll no doubt get another chance -- life seems to work out that way!

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Teach me to love you

When I think of all the things I love, it is you that I live for;
When I ponder all I see and hear and smell and taste and touch, it is you that captivates me;
When I muse, and all of a sudden I get goose-bumps, it is you, you that causes it;
Teach me to love you... more each year.
s
We've been together one year now, wedded and locked in unity of purpose;
It's not been easy for both of us, but it is you that has kept me fighting for marital progress;
I love you more than life itself, and I thank you for choosing to be life partner;
Teach me to love you... I promise to listen.
s
We've seen the best and worst of each other and still not run,
It's a blessing to know your unconditional love;
I want you to know that I'll always love you, my Princess;
Nearly one year down the track and it may feel like more, but we've survived and blossomed.
s
It's you I live for. You are my life and my song. Without you life would be poor indeed;
I'll be there for you through thick and thin and I'll always be your greatest fan;
It is you, only you, that I dream about and love and fantasize about;
Teach me to love you... more and more through the 2nd year of our marriage... and beyond.

Thank you, Sarah. Our hearts will always be as one 'til eternity.

Enjoying the Simple Pleasures...

The good life consists of enjoying the simple pleasures of life as a means to an end and not as an end in itself.

s
For instance, I enjoy coffee. A lot of people do. I used to frequent coffee shops at least weekly to sit and sip good coffee and reflect and journal. It was a part of my weekly routine I really looked forward to. It meant peace and relaxation and was a boon for creativity -- my imagination would run wild as I read, mused, observed life and the natural environment, and created things with my mind. It was never the same if I was interrupted. It was simply “me” time; time that I needed to get back to my core.

s
As time went on I challenged myself on the process. I decided not to buy coffee all the time. I could drink coffee at home and still enjoy time to reflect and meditate. Of late, I’ve even foregone coffee as I have my daily lunchtime brisk walk in the park. During this time I’m able to meditate on important life messages and listen for the Spirit even though I’m exercising.

s
Simple pleasures are there to be enjoyed, but they only remain “simple” when they’re kept in check and used in moderation. Those who have problems with ‘the sensates’ will have experienced self-control problems with the things that were only ever designed to be enjoyed in moderation. Enter dependence and ultimately, addiction. For a lot of my life I didn’t get it. I made the ‘simple pleasures’ an end in itself and experienced problems.

s
If the simple pleasures have you in a bind, try these things:

s
1. Focus on delaying your gratification -- save your ‘simple pleasure’ privileges so you can really enjoy them.

s
2. Share your problem with a loved one or trusted friend. It’s a big step to admit you have self-control issues, but clearly it’s the beginning of positive change.

s
3. Re-focus your thinking. So much of our problems start and finish in the mind. Control your mind and you will control your destiny.

s
4. Believe you can change -- most people with problems don’t believe deep down they can sustain self-control over things like food and drink. Simply, you can change anything, at any time, and what’s more, you can change for life!

s
5. Learn to relax, be still, and be yourself. This might sound simple but we all struggle to slow down in this frenetically-paced world. Slowing down gives us peace and perspective; it’s a real tonic.

s
It’s such a great life when we enjoy it for what it is and not for what we can consume. It’s getting the horse and the cart in the right order. The horse is life; the cart is the resources we use in life. Let’s not get the cart before the horse.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

On Complaint...

I don't trust the credibility or character of people who complain too much. I'm referring to the incessant complainers who never see the silver lining to their problems. There is something about incessant complainers that they can't see themselves. They choose misery voluntarily. What person in their right mind would do this?

s

Yet we've all had seasons of life that were characterised by complaint. These were times when life did not go well, and there was no feeling of hope to speak of. During these seasons there has to be an empathetic ear, and realistically, we all get over these periods eventually.

s

This is why I love the Bible. James suggests that there's never really ever a need to complain when he said, "Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds. Because it is in these trials your faith is tested, and you can develop perseverance and patience in life -- and maturity is the outcome." (My paraphrase of James 1:2-4) The qualifier is hope. Where there's hope, is there any excuse for whinging complaint?

s

This truth in James in its purest sense is confounding to the vast majority of people, yet it holds a golden kernel of truth. It must be lived to be seen; and tried to be felt. We never pray for tests, but when they come, why complain? Smile and have a go... it's probably not going to be that bad.

s

I commend you to people who find a quiet joy in life. Look for them and make friends with them. They will show you the way to wisdom and peace. Max Ehrmann penned the famous Desiderata back in the 1920s and exclaimed... "Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit." People who complain a lot I find neatly fit into this category. They are not people to associate with wherever possible.

s

Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Envy Breeds Envy – Stopping It Dead In Its Tracks

Most people aren’t aware how insidious the deadly sin of envy is. It is unhappiness at another’s success, or according to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, it’s a “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.” The root word is often Latin invidia, but there is also a Greek word (phonetically) poneiros that means “evil eye.” Interestingly, this word can also mean “devil.” People can be envied generally because simply they’re good at something. It is also, “Ill will pure and simple, the hatred of good because it is good.”[1]

s
I believe every one of us is susceptible to it, and not only that, it breeds itself. This means if you’re the subject of envy (someone envies you) you are likely to be tempted -- by their actions -- to become somewhat envious in return. This is because the malicious intent of their action(s) is felt by us on the receiving end and we’ll often be tempted to ‘return fire’ by at least having a bad feeling toward them, even if it isn’t translated in action -- some people might think this is a rather long bow -- but I believe this feeling is also envy.

s
It is interesting that the earlier Greek word is associated with the lazy. Lazy people are often the most envious because they want what others have but don’t or can’t make the effort. Envious people also envy others with superior personality or character. Notwithstanding these, envy is a wide-ranging emotion and it’s dangerous because it can infect you!

s
How do we beat envy and stop it dead in its tracks? In an earlier article -- “Taming the Green-Eyed Monster - How to Beat Envy” -- I spoke of the role of advocacy in superimposing a solution above this powerful negative emotion. It was suggested that advocacy is employed to enable and empower the weak. In other words, divert your attention to somewhere or someone who you can help.

s
I suggest however that there is an even more powerful response. It’s about actively avoiding the envious and spending time and effort on those who need us. The best thing we can do is avoid being ‘infected’ with envy’s cancerous poison. Avoid contact with people who create envious feelings in you, particularly if this feeling is produced in you firstly from their envy of you. This includes avoiding thinking about them. If we associate with envious people we’re likely to have to deal with these feelings in ourselves sooner or later. We need to deal with these feelings by being truthful with ourselves.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

s
[1] This is cited from P.E. Koptak, Proverbs – NIV Application Commentary, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2003), p. 602. This author cites William S. Stafford’s, Disordered Loves, pages 93-94, an exposition on the seven deadly sins.

Power to Succeed: From The Embryonic Life

There’s only one way to go, once it germinates, Life cannot but grow. It’s been said that things stagnate or blossom -- atrophy or hypertrophy; they can’t remain static. This is the idea that Paul the Apostle hits on when writing to his protégé Timothy. Timid Timothy was running short on courage and willpower when sent ahead of Paul to the European churches of the First Century.

s
This is what Paul wrote Timothy:

s
I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that lived first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, lives in you. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God that is within you through the laying on of my hands; for God did not give us a spirit of timidity (cowardice), but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline (bold and loving and sensible).

-2 Timothy 1:5-7. (Mainly NRSV)

s
And what does this say to us?

s
God gives us the spirit of power and love and a sound mind. The Greek for the word “sound mind” (sophronismos) is interesting in that it means a steadfast, self-disciplined, and single-minded (not a duplicitous mind).

s
When we’re indecisive and lacking in courage, this spirit is not from God, it’s from our own resources within i.e. without God; these inner resources are clearly not helpful enough in problem-solving. And not only does cowardice and timidity prevent us from achieving, they also prolong misery, loneliness, a sense of desolation, and sorrow.

s
I believe these words were written to encourage Timothy, and indeed ourselves, as we walk through our days of living on the earth. One day it won’t be so -- our days will be at an end, and it will be for succeeding generations to draw from this truth. We have power. We have love. We have the ability to be self-disciplined. And it’s in the perfectness of the Spirit that we have these things. This is all conditional only on our accepting God.

s
With this simple knowledge of God’s presence we should go out every day with a simple, unalterable courage to face and seize the day (Carpe Diem) with God. Let us ‘fan into flame’ this gift of power that God gives us. Hallelujah!

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Famous Last Words -- “I’ll do it later.”

We’ve all done it. We’ve all said, “Oh, I’ll do it later.” It’s a fair thing to put some things off to a later time, particularly a more appropriate time perhaps, but some things just need to be started and some projects must be steadily and diligently progressed or we’ll never reach our objective. This will risk letting people down who’re relying on us to do the things we need to do.

s
Taking the initiative requires effort. It means we have to resist the temptation to say, “I’ll do it later.” And the truth is every one of us struggles with it. There are so many areas in life we’d want to just relax and cool our heels, or do other ‘important stuff’. Another truth: your life heads south and you’ll end up poorer if you don’t bite the bullet and do what you need to do, now.

s
I’ve got “a round tuit” at home. It’s a round plaque that illustrates this exact point. It says,

s

“This is a round tuit. Guard it with your life. Tuits are hard to come by, especially the round ones. It will help you to become a much more efficient worker. For years you’ve heard people say, ‘I’ll do it, when I get a round tuit.’ So now that you have one, you can accomplish all those things you put aside until you got your round tuit.”

s

Doesn’t that just say it? It’s a constant reminder of the things we put off and put off and again and again, put off. Bill Hybels says in Making Life Work, “Excuses breed excuses. Laziness, sluggishness, indolence, slothfulness, whichever slow moving word you choose -- they all breed more and more of the same slimy stuff. It’s a thick soup you’re sinking into, and you’ll end up stuck in a life of ruin.” (p. 35)

s
“I’ll do it later.” Famous last words. Even if we do this thing later it won’t bring us the satisfaction it could if we just do it now. We need to break the pattern of procrastination by taking initiative and by stop making excuses. Make good the commitments you have to people by doing what you need to do.

s

Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Make Someone’s Day

You see someone in your travels at work or while you're walking down a street. Your eye catches theirs and you smile. You pass each other and never think anything more of it. I wonder if that smile made an impact in their day. Did that small gesture make any difference to brighten an otherwise dull day? I believe these little gestures do. They serve to make someone’s day, and they also serve to brighten ours as we let the positive reactions and feedback of others filter into our perceptions.

s
What are some things we could do as simple examples?

s
~~ Make a point of listening to someone today. Allow them to steal five (or 15) minutes of your time and give them your undivided attention and empathy and respect.

s
~~ Share your humour with them. Humour, so long as it’s sensitive and appropriate, is great for helping people relax and experience joy.

s
~~ Help another person with something small. It could be an errand, or a little task. It could be to save them the hassle of doing a particular thing.

s
~~ Initiate communications with another person who could be lifted by your email, letter or phone call. There are a lot of people who love getting correspondence.

s
~~ Be really, wholly, and genuinely available to someone.

s
Thomas Browne once said, “By compassion we make others’ misery our own, and so, by relieving them, we relieve ourselves also.” Albert Schweitzer also said, “Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace.”

s
We need to share our time and our energies with others in order to experience true joy.

s

Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

"A Job Passed On Is a Job Well Done!"

I had a long meeting cancelled on me the other day. I was on my way to it travelling in busy traffic and suddenly I got a call. I managed to accept the call safely and proceeded to hear that something had come up and the meeting would need to be postponed. I know for most people, getting most the way to a meeting and then having it cancelled, might cause some internal consternation. I was certainly a little taken-aback. What now?

s
Instantly I felt a sense of relief that I had not been the one to let someone down; others had let me down. How good that felt was quite indescribable. The person on the other end of the line was very apologetic and I felt a sense of ease return in them when I accepted the postponement gracefully. I even thought, “Cool, I have a couple of hours freed up to do other things.”

s
Most of life is a supplier-customer arrangement. When we are the supplier, we are expected to deliver whatever people’s expectations of us are. When we’re the customer, we’re in the privileged position to receive. When I’m the supplier I always want to supply on time, and on ‘budget,’ i.e. meet expectations. When you’re the customer and you’re let down, it’s your supplier who’ll be feeling down. You’ve done your bit; you can relax.

s
Some people get their ‘knickers in a knot’ because things are cancelled on them, or people let them down. I’m suggesting it can bring enormous peace to know it wasn’t us who let someone down; it makes it so much easier to accept a disappointment gracefully when we understand and apply this concept.

s
It’s also about applying the concept of simplicity in life -- Wow, how refreshing is simplicity? When you’ve got the chance to fairly address something like ‘pass on’ or delegate a job or task, or if you simply need to get out of the way, how easy is that?

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Bargaining "log aheads" and Choice

I bumped into a guy in an elevator the other day and asked him how he was going. 'Fine,' he replied, 'but it will be better when the there is no more ill feeling around the bargaining,' he concluded. These guys are locked into a dispute over pay and conditions.

s

It was like there was no choice to this thinking. I thought straight away of the better way of compartmentalising one's thinking; our base values never change. Why should the way we treat people be affected by what they're giving or not giving us?

s

I was thinking at the time on the right thing to say like, 'You don't have to feel that way toward the company or its Human Resources people.' But I must admit I couldn't get over this guy's submissive resignation that he didn't have a choice. I will be better prepared next time I hope.

s

Truth is we have so much choice regarding how we'll treat people. If we don't treat people well, the egg only lands on our faces ultimately. It's the law of truth. Besides, treating people with respect no matter what the circumstances are is such an empowering way to live. We can rise up beyond our carnal selves any time we wish.

Targeting Safety Improvement – Supporting People in Getting Their Work Done

This article is inspired by Dr. Dawn Darlaston-Jones’ presentation to the Western Australian Behaviour-Based Safety (BBS) Working Group in Fremantle, WA on 28 March, 2008. Dr. Darlaston-Jones centred on the role of the bureaucracy in confounding safety management efforts. Traditional modes of safety management have stifled individuals and work teams in working safely as pressure to work safely adds to the complexity of roles. To improve safety, it was argued, we need to reduce ‘system’ pressure by supporting individuals and teams.

s
Dr. Darlaston-Jones’ hypothesis: to improve safety we need to understand the composite pressures on individuals and teams and then systematically remove these barriers, alleviating the pressures. Organisations need to understand that these pressures come not only from within the organisations themselves, but also from their people’s personal lives, and everything in between -- the entire ‘context’ i.e. the living system. This however, is the final step in effectively managing workplace safety.

s
The first step is to sort out the organisation’s values -- what does it stand for? Values on “Organisational Citizenship” are sought. Those who rate highly on the “Big 5 Test” (for instance) will support most organisational values models as they’re intrinsically motivated around issues of moral reasoning, integrity, conscientiousness, work ethic etc. Passion is heavily linked to values. Great results don’t come without passion.

s
Once these are known, the second step is to recruit employees who share and exhibit these values. An additional incremental step is to get the current employees into roles they are most suited to i.e. those who are risk averse and high level thinkers will be most suited to safety-critical jobs. Resilient bodies are needed for heavy, manual handling work etc.

s
Traditional safety management is built on an “intervention” model but the superior model suggested here is one of “selection.” Select the right people and get them in the right positions. Jim Collins uses the bus analogy. Get the right people on the bus to begin with and then sort out the seating arrangements.

s
The best people to recruit and work hard at retaining are those with good conflict resolution and communications skills. These people both seek and know how to deal with feedback. These people have an understanding of what they’re best at and what they’re passionate about (referencing Jim Collins’ “Hedgehog Concept”). Equally, great organisations have this understanding too.

s
Dr. Darlaston-Jones said that one key communications strategy should be to encourage more relational resilience. People should be taught how to take criticism; it is a societal ill in our culture. People do not know how to address offences. This is where the traditional model of safety management falls down. It is easy to manage safety in a way that builds up resentment between individuals and teams, and “the system.” We must not build in resentment in relationships if we want to succeed. We must also endeavour to create perceptions where people see “the system” as aiding them, and not an “add-on,” creating additional pressure. The system must support people.

s
Open and honest (360 degree) communication is a must. “Management needs to listen to and really hear the feedback from the ground floor -- it is the people who work in the specific context who are best suited to providing appropriate guidance in relation to safety practices. This creates and reinforces a culture of robust constructive debate rather than paper pushing [and] form filling. If employees see management taking their concerns seriously and building systems that reflect the reality they work in then it builds feelings of trust which provides the framework for genuine commitment to safety -- this also encourages the discussion of all accidents and incidents rather than encouraging workers to hind or minimise these.”

s
Effective safety management should be about “creating wellbeing.” There should be a wellbeing framework that is understood by all individuals and teams. Management should understand people’s frameworks and then support them in it. By creating wellbeing we try and understand pressures on people and then see if we can systematically remove these pressures or somehow alleviate them.

Do you understand me?

What do you do when you’re not understood the first time? You’re communicating an issue or responding to someone after they’ve asked you a question, and you suddenly realize, in their response, that they have not understood what you’re trying to say. For instance, they ask the same question, only a slightly different way. In other words, reading between the lines, they’re saying, ‘You didn’t answer me adequately first time, so I will try again.’ If you don’t answer them adequately the second time, they might try again, or they might move on to someone else, or they might even get impatient.

This happens classically in marriages and partnerships and is symptomatic of communication breakdown. “I talk but you don’t listen,” is what both parties are saying to each other. It’s so unfortunate as both parties are likely to become exasperated.

Here are some things to consider:

~~ If you’re not understood first time, pause and reflect momentarily… ask the person for more clarification to see if there is a misunderstanding on your part. You will evoke respect from them every time because you’re seeking to understand them more.

~~ Really listen. Put everything else out of your frame of attention. If your focus does wane, be honest, apologise, and continue to listen.

~~ Be motivated to give the person what they want. Answer their question even if you think it’s the wrong question. Chances are, they’re seeing something completely different from you and it’s probably another perspective you’ve not considered.

There’s no need to get to exasperation. There’s nothing more frustrating in relationships. Again, seek first to understand, and then be understood!
s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Prayer and the Will of God

Step 11 of typical 12-step recovery programs goes something like:
s
"I pray for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out."
s
Yesterday's message by Brian Pickering, national coordinator of the Australian Prayer Network, spoke to the intent of Step 11. Prayer is God speaking to me regarding his heart's desire for me to do.
s
He places burdens on my heart: lifelong; seasonal; and momentary. I discern those burdens, which are/become my passions and then I obey his will for my life by carrying out what he's saying. He plants the burden.
s
Where's my passion? 1) my wife and my children. 2) the breaking of generational curses.
s
Cooperating with God, through prayer, is listening to him and then acting on what he's said. Every day there are fresh opportunities. I must be radically available.
s
"... the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

ROMANS 8:26-27.

Getting Real in Relationships

Relationships are effort, pure and simple. I was reminded of this recently when I received an article which was emailed to me. Immediately I read this truth from James Adonis I knew I wanted to comment on it. It just rang true. Admittedly it’s ‘work-related’ but what he says applies to, and provokes thought regarding, all communication. Here it is:

s
“To put communication in context, let’s examine a typical relationship. A man can say “I love you” to his wife but the words alone are meaningless unless they’re accompanied by care and compassion, thoughtful surprises, hand-written cards, faith, support, romantic dinners, and many other actions which convey far more than “I love you” that he really does love her.”

s
“So what are the lessons for us at work? There are five:

s
~~ What you do communicates much more than what you say.

s
~~ The most important skill – by far – that a manager possesses is communication.

s
~~ Email isn’t communication – it's just spam.

s
~~ Information isn’t communication – it's just data.

s
~~ Speaking isn’t even communication – it's just making noises with your mouth.

s
Listening is the most powerful method of communication we can use.”[1]

s
So, there you have it. Listening is the key; two ears, one mouth. We learn nothing if we don’t listen. If we learn nothing we have nothing to teach. You might not be a ‘manager’ at a workplace, but I would suggest you do have relationships that require ‘management.’

s
If you want a real relationship with someone whether that is your partner or a work colleague, as Stephen Covey said, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.”

s
The problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.

-George Bernard Shaw

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

s
[1] James Adonis, “Communication,” Love Your Team! Employee Engagement Newsletter, 29 April, 2008, available at: www.jamesadonis.com.

How To Deal With A Teenager Who’s Late Again

Ever had a situation where your teenager has gone off with their friends and promised to be back at the train station by a certain time only to be 15, 20... 30 minutes late? This happened to me recently and I was amazed by what was placed into my mind as a method to deal with this issue.

s
As my daughter approached me, I thought for one, she will be apologetic and therefore I can use that to win “credits” for something else I had to broach with her -- a late fee for her not submitting an important form to her school. She accepted the late $10 fee -- great! I also mentioned half-jokingly, ‘20 minutes late; does that mean I can get a credit for you to be 20 minutes early next time?’ It was about sowing the seed around expectations. I left it at that. (No one likes a harper.)

s
I watch her mood and try and gauge what I can get away with when I need to be ‘parent.’ Parenting is psychology, and it is sometimes best done by stealth. This is not to suggest that I need to be secretive, subversive or deviant. I simply need to be tactical in order to serve her and my best interests.

s
You know there is no value in getting angry with teenagers. They need (and you need) for you to stay in control of your emotions. They need your unconditional love and support through this time of their lives. And they also need to be kept accountable.

s

Watching the mood is a key. It’s never worth burning all your bridges at once in your relationship with your teenager. From my experience the moods don’t last very long (comparatively) and teens are normally quite apologetic when they’ve had time to analyse themselves.

s
Parenting a teenager is an interesting experience to say the least. It is part of a bond that’s about building a relationship you can have with your soon-to-be adult child. Imagine being a friend to your son or daughter -- that’s what it’s meant to be like. Like any relationship, it’s a two-way street. Trust and respect need to go both ways.

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

“Bumped Onto Another Track In Life”

Imagine you are catapulted from one way of living to another in one single day. You have a cherished family, friends, fantastic work, car, home, possessions, your security, and everything you hold dear; the next thing all of that is a distant memory -- it is irrevocably changed. Life will never be the same again. There’s no going back. Though you try desperately for months, it doesn’t change a thing. You’ve perhaps taken it all for granted for too long -- and everyone does -- but now it’s too late.

s
That’s the scene for the marriage breakdown that I experienced. Overnight I was ‘bumped onto another track in life’ like you would shunt a train or slot car onto another line. Even though the original world existed -- and I could see it from afar, there was no way back to it. It was desperately painful and I’d not wish that agony on another soul.

s
Strange thing though, nearly five years on, the new track was my salvation! It was there I truly learned to live aright. It was there that I found love, and indeed ‘love came to town.’ It was through the loving embrace of my parents and a recovery group that I found my way through the grief to new life. New life and victory over self. I was saved and blessed and sanctified, and all it required was desperation and surrender on my part. The floodgates of grace opened up to me instantly. I was gifted immediately.

s
Why is it that life needs to throw us a curve ball to get our attention? I’d tried for years to do the things I could suddenly now do in the midst of torment and change; the living hell. Under intense pressure, and in the fiery furnace, I learned courage and faith. I learned to cope. I learned to lean on God. I learned to thank him for the simple things.

s
Five years on, I live a powerful life of joy, thankfulness, and hope -- love pervades me and resilience is the train I take on the journey I am now driven to take. It is a ‘beautiful track.’ I view people differently -- God loves them. Vulnerability is my dearest friend and learning is essential. I forgive. I laugh! -- at myself. I cry and find sweet therapy in the tears. My children are my dearest friends. Life is weird, but what I have experienced in my past four or five years I would not swap for anything. Is this not victory?

s
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.