Recently I was asked whether it is easy or not to tell whether someone is testing you or not. Their query pertained to the suspicion that they were being tested — they felt tested — and they wanted to know a little more about why people test people, and more poignantly, who does it and why.
I think I need to start with the idea that as human beings we are all testing ideas and concepts and even the responses of people.
But I think there is a big difference between trying to establish where you fit in a relationship, and those kinds of tests, and the kinds of tests that some people engage in, especially when we get the impression that there is some ongoing intentionality about the way they test people.
The two operative words in the above sentence are ongoing and intentionality.
What I mean is a narcissist will test people quite intentionally, as if it is their right to do that, and they will therefore do it on an ongoing basis. In other words, no one will be able to stop them.
This is how we might know them; by the ongoing nature of their testing people and by their intentionality. It should seem pretty obvious.
To add one more dynamic in this simple analysis, I would say that narcissists can derive a kind of giddy delight out of achieving a particular reaction — or any reaction — out of their prey.
Someone who is just testing the waters won’t do it in an ongoing way, and if we press them on the idea that we know that we are being tested they will back off immediately. Not the narcissist. Remember, they feel they have a right to do what they are doing.
So, that is the simplest and probably crudest illustration of the difference between someone who tests the waters in an effort to try and understand the relationship versus someone who intentionally tests people, situations and relationships for their gain in an ongoing way.
Sometimes people test to the limits of boundaries because they simply need to know where the boundaries are — and we all know where the boundaries are — whereas some people test the limits of boundaries because they want to encroach them and therefore engage in grooming behaviours.
Of course, we need to be super mindful of these dynamics in our relationships, and also, we need to be super careful not to judge hastily. Often, we may assume someone is intentional when they may not be; they may not yet be aware.
If they become aware, they can be expected to stop engaging in testing behaviour.
Knowing that there is an intentionality behind what the narcissist does, we also need to be aware of a trickier dynamic the narcissist also uses. That is gaslighting.
Whenever we challenge the narcissist, we can expect either rage or denial, and I don’t know what’s worse. The rage is scary, but in the denial is gaslighting.
Imagine their response being so cool that you begin to doubt what you were saying, or you begin to see yourself as the bad person for bringing such an ‘accusation’ to them who would never do such a thing as test you. If they want to continue to behave the way that they do, they will earn that right by deceiving you.
They will get you off their trial by getting you to doubt yourself, even to the point of getting you to apologise for something you didn’t even do. Just be careful of this.
Photo by Sanmeet Chahil on Unsplash
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