COUNSELLING as a professional practice involves
skills that can and ought to be employed by all of us — specifically, listening skills. But the following
listening skills are special in that they combine a heart of compassion with
the intentional skill of interactional focus. Anyone who employs these skills
with heart will be blessed to be a blessing.
And if being
blessed to be a blessing isn’t enough motivation for us, then we’ll be
motivated simply to feel more confident because we are more in control of our
communication.
There are three dimensions to a
one-to-one interaction: them, us, and the space between the two of us.
Being ‘With’
Being ‘with’ (them) is primary. Imagining
being out of ourselves and in the other person before us, we observe keenly
their physical appearance, mannerism, body language, intonation, word; every cue
of sense. They, to us, are a work of art as we seek to sense exactly what they
are experiencing and communicating — in their being.
We want to give them permission to
slow down, and even to stop. Indeed, we’re stopped within ourselves if we are
truly being ‘with’ them.
We are so alive in our senses
toward them that our memories are active and we are praying to record them. As
we take in all the information they’re giving us we take hold of grab-words and
grab-concepts they’re telling us in order to enquire deeply of them if the
opportunity presents. Being ‘with’ them is very much about unknowing what we
might assume is knowable about them in order that we might become innately
curious; to never assume and always confirm.
Being ‘Within’
Prayer is how we are able to be
within (ourselves); that, and to notice every cue within ourselves that
requires notice. This includes being hyperaware of stimuli that raises our ire,
on the one hand, and stimuli that raises our desires on the other. The person
deserves every portion of our impartial selves that we are able to give them.
In being ‘within’ we are able to hold ourselves to quiet account and govern
ourselves through self-control. And we can only do that if we are constantly
praying, “Lord, reveal to me my bias
so I might, by your grace, remove it.” This is why the best counsellors already
have the most honest of relationships with themselves. The best in emotional
maturity, gloriously, is available to anyone, not just counsellors.
Being Real
Truth is inordinately precious as
we keep the space between us and them real — surreally real. We are there for them without a moment’s
hesitation. Being real is keeping it real, no matter what. Being real is about
screening out every distraction in the environment. Being real in this way is
external to us as it is external to them. It is the space between us and all
around us. It is making the commitment to go beyond what we might ordinarily compromise
on.
***
A subtle differentiation in these three
in terms of eye contact: being with
involves us needing to see their eyes; to give
close attention to maintaining constant eye contact. Being within involves us noticing
when our eye contact is diminishing to maintain it. Being real is having the courage to resume such intensity of eye contact and consciously maintaining it.
There are three ways in one to be
truly present with those we love and care for, to the extent of every
interaction. It’s about being fully ‘with’ them, whilst being fully ‘within’
ourselves, whilst being surreally real.
In each dimension of conscious
contact there is focus, intention, and deliberation. These three ways are done
at the same time, requiring quite literally enormous focus. The flow of our
conscious contact will waver, but the key is to continue to move into being in these three ways.
Conscious contact in interaction is
helped by being with the other
person, whilst being within ourselves,
whilst also being real.
The greatest gift we can give
another person is to be present with them.
© 2015 Steve Wickham.
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