Saturday, December 19, 2009

How I Feel

I am overwhelmed. Always. Well, it’s how I feel now.

As I sit and punch these keys, I feel. I always do. Even when I’m numb I feel. I cannot seem to escape, feeling.

I sit and my bottom feels the chair. Just the same I feel with my being. I exist and therefore I feel. Breaking convention is something I do, as much as I feel.

I forget, oh too easily. Why would I feel something and then it escapes? Why? Then I feel frustrated, annoyed, pleased, incensed, confused, heart-broken, inept, relieved, jealous, poised, empty, saddened, at peace. It goes on and on and on, forgetting that is.

The function of my presence mediates over my being. I am and I stay but I’m never alone, never still, never static. Things are never the same yet they appear never to change.

Feeling is incomprehensible, interminable, wasteful; yet necessary. It’s the confinement of the human condition. It tarries and relaxes yet simultaneously expands, grows... morphs.

I feel when I want to and when I don’t want to, and never that twain meets. Agony or ecstacy—even in boredom. There’s never middle ground. Highs, lows... levelling out in a moment as the swinging pendulum gathers the microsecond alone in that position of neutrality.

Reliability never exists, not reliably.

We exist in a world of feeling. Feeling is profuse in our world. It reminds us of our scant control. Would we even control ourselves? Hardly!

Possibility places me in feeling’s hands. It ebbs and flows. Contention also is there. A brave world of lateralistic dualism confronts me, and you.

How can any of this be explained adequately, truthfully, precisely?

I am still overwhelmed. Every moment. My mind brings some sort of order to these variant feelings. It struggles to predict and regulate. It’s a battle; no, a war!

A war with myself? How can that be? But the war exists in a proliferation of realms, yet I am I. Am I only relevant? Relevancy is a principle shrouded in personal relativism. Yet ironically, to the world my relevancy is irrelevant.

Bring sense to the equation of all this feeling in mix of life! An intrapersonal charge... just do it!

But, is there any need to? The result is still the same. I feel. Nothing will ever change. Not unless... I cease to exist.

Ceasing to exist [the thought]... feeling i.e. the note of being alive is not so bad, after all.

© 2009 S. J. Wickham.

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