Fixing the Pain the Separated Father Feels

Divorce is a no-win situation for all parties. Separated fathers are often left alone and masculinity further isolates and erodes the man who’s suddenly had the rug of life pulled from under his feet. At a playground with my daughter recently, another father, Paul, started talking to me. He’d worked out that I’d been through divorce and he stated he’d been a lone father for the past ten months. He was ‘over the worst of it.’ I listened to him and detected a note of pain still within him. This is my advice to address and reduce the pain of separation:

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Look after your health.

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That is, attend to your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. The might seem like the hardest thing to do -- it can be so hard to focus consistently. It’s a pressing time psychologically. It’s the most important thing. Making time and space for your health and wellbeing is key.

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Ensure you have a good support network.

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Friends and relatives who you can share with are vital. You may find yourself needing to share your story, your grievances, and your sorrow over and over again. This is quite normal. You need to talk about it to bring about release. Don’t be afraid to cry; it’s therapeutic.

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Develop and use natural coping mechanisms.

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It’s amazing how many guys ‘turn to the bottle’ to cope with and try and solve their emotional problems. This is the worst thing to do. You’re going through a grieving process in your separation from spouse and children. This is a time to draw on and develop your natural coping mechanisms. If you already have a drinking or drug problem join AA or NA or some similar loving fellowship; they’ll look after you and teach you how to get through this, and how to approach life thereafter.

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When is it over?

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Many guys will say, “I’m over it,” but chances are you’re not. It can take years to get over separation and divorce. In fact, some say it can take one year of recovery for every four years that the relationship went for.[1] Yes, that’s right; it will probably take you three years to get over a twelve year relationship (based on the 1:4 ratio). It’s over when it’s over and not before time. Give yourself a break. Don’t commit yourself to another relationship (don’t even date) until you’re truly over the first relationship. It’s too much of a risk, for you, for the new/prospective partner, as well as for any children involved. Your situation can actually get messier.

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Financial strain needs to be managed.

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It’s tempting to think there’s a ‘money-grab’ on. Don’t fall for the thinking that “she’s only after my money.” She’s probably done all her grieving over the ending of the relationship over the past year or two. She’s ready to move on. Most women just want to get on with their lives and have only the need to ‘recover costs.’ Most separations only get ‘messy’ when partners squabble over money, and then it’s often the kids that suffer the most. Don’t fight over money. If she wants it, give it to her; trust me, you’ll be better off.

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You can’t afford for the cancer of a broken relationship to de-rail your entire life. Don’t do anything stupid. Surrounding yourself with those who can love and support you is vital to your long term recovery; even if you have no family or friends there are those around who WILL love you. Even though you might feel hopeless and like your life’s ending, you will recover from your present pain, but it will take time.

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Commit yourself to the love of your children; be their loving fatherly hero. They’ll be grieving like you but in a different way. Be there for them. Suffer with them; show them your love. Be selfless for them. Don’t do anything that will risk their health and happiness. If you do some of these things, you’ll not only survive in the medium- to long-term, but you’ll thrive too.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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This is the first of a series of articles on the subject, to support separated fathers.

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[1] S. Grissom, DivorceCare – Changed Lives, (Wake Forest, North Carolina: DivorceCare, Inc., 1996)