Permission to sit with and launch from the fawn response

Anyone reading this who has had to deal with a narcissistic person, or to work within narcissistic structures, as an empathic and empathetic person, may have noticed the use of the fawn response.

The fawn response is a necessary appeasing of a relational dynamic where there is no choice but to accommodate an unrealistic expectation on the behalf of a person or situation that is demanding and thereby controlling.  In that moment, we are holding space not only for ourselves, but we are catering for others who are also affected by at times woeful behaviour.

The fawn response buys us time, and there is a nuance within the adult behaviour that can ameliorate this fawn response, bringing safe empowerment into the dynamic below the threshold of what the narcissist can see.  So there is a way where an initial fawn response transitions from fawning to adult behaviour which is seen by others in the dynamic as strength in an otherwise impossible situation.

Adult behaviour from a transactional analysis viewpoint, is logical, reliable, realistic, responsible, and rational—and that’s what you can transition into, even as you notice your initial response, that placates the person who is operating out of a narcissistic space, which is demanding and controlling and leaves no room for anyone’s agency.

This is an affirmation that fawn response, that may have left you feeling ashamed of or guilty of falling into, again and again, does have its purpose in that moment neither you nor anyone can control, for it is controlled by a demanding other.

Giving ourselves permission to operate out of a trauma response is one way we can engage with a therapy that works with what is already in our bodies that forms our responses now by instinct.

Essentially, there is more than one way to blossom out of the trauma responses that have stuck to us out of the trauma we have been exposed to.

More and more, as we see ourselves transitioning from the permission giving space to the adult space of taking some of the space back, we see others respond with peace and security, given the leadership we can provide—even out of the initial fawn response.  This is noticed in the reduction of overall anxiety, and in the confidence of a rising agency in us and those others affected as we quietly and respectfully unify under tyranny.

This is a godly concept, because through divine help, we have the increasing capacity to notice our fawn response, and to not fall into self-diminution, but to respond with a ‘grey rock’ (“nothing to see here”) stealthy courage, bringing in the adult behaviour that is necessary to ameliorate what is otherwise an impossible situation.

And even if the situation isn’t ameliorated, even if we provoke the bear, we find we have an increasing ability to not be intimidated, to stand our ground gently though firmly.  From such strength there is great capacity to hold safe space for anyone in the dynamic.

When we notice our fawn response, or it could be fight or flight or freeze, we are garnering awareness, which is strength, because choice is emerging, and empowerment is the next emergent step.

Out of awareness is the opportunity of action, and from the biblical view point we can see how nothing can overcome those who have faith in God to restore power to those once-weaker places.