Comforters take comfort in knowing nothing as they comfort

The greatest test of humility in a comforter is their abiding, unknowing presence with a person who’s bewildered in their suffering.  Not needing to answer the harder questions, demonstrating the ability to NOT dare to attempt to “fix” the situation or the person; that’s the prerogative of the comforter who takes comfort and has peace in knowing nothing about the unknowable things in helping a person who’s experiencing an impossible situation of grief, change, hardship, torment, betrayal.

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In my counselling training, arguably the most important concept I learned was the process of “unknowing.”  That is, as helper, to know that knowing nothing—to put off all one’s own knowledge—was not only necessary to help, but vital in not getting in the way.  That is, “unknowing” helps most as a helper of children and it also helps in helping adults.

Such unknowing is the true skill and humility of the craft of counselling.

Unknowing is integral to holding space.  It’s the active part, silence being the inactive part.

Comforters must actively unknow what comes up in them as they help.  The most urgent thing to unknow is where a trigger is taking us.  At times as counsellors we get triggered, so a vital part of our process is to process the trigger, taking account of it, for later.

All unknowing at the level of helping is essentially about giving a comfort only God can provide. This means WE must get right out of the way—no explaining, no “human wisdom,” no “this is what I did” (that’s mentoring), no examples.

In context of the deeper, harder questions...
Comforters are neither explainers nor example-givers.
Comforters cannot pretend to know they know the answers.

Not that a comforter can’t speak.  They CAN!

They CAN encourage and thereby strengthen.  They CAN affirm by holding up the proverbial mirror.  “What you’re facing right now would challenge anyone.”  “You have a lot of courage facing this fear.”  “You facing your sadness and fear shows massive faith.”  “Faith is stepping forward one moment at a time, and you’re doing just that.”  “Know that when you doubt but don’t give up, that’s huge faith.”  “Everything you’re feeling is normal in your situation.”  “Getting help and drawing on support right now is one of the wisest things you can do.”

None of these things are said initially, however.  
They can only be said in context, and they 
always need to be contextualised.

Encouragement and affirmation have their place, but they’re always after we as comforters know where and how and when to place them.  Speaking of where, how, and when...

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What comforters are urged NOT to do is explain away 
the “how,” the “why,” the “when,” the “what,” etc, of mysteries.

The “how” is an interpretation of what is needed to resolve the situation.  Especially when it comes to loss, when there might be a million or three hows, there is no definitive “how.”  Even though there are models for therapy that give some guidance on process, never do they ever give the definitive way.  Much discernment and respect for the nuances of the situation itself are required.

The “why” imputes that the comforter knows not just the mind of God, but information far beyond any human’s capacity, into the inscrutable purposes beyond rationality.  Nobody knows this stuff, and nobody’s got the “gift” of this discernment.  Only the person who’s suffering themselves may unravel such a mystery (usually with a variety of help and support)—and not everyone does—and that’s a process that can take years, even a lifetime.  It’s no shame on a person to never determine the “why.”  Indeed, of all the paradoxes of life and God, those who become most mature have ultimately learned to accept what they couldn’t possibly understand.

The “when” is also a future-focused explanation, and again, only God can lead a person to knowing when grief turns to acceptance, when to begin the work forward into intrepid change, when to take drastic steps, when to up the ante, etc.  In this, there’s a lot of potential damage done to a person and their situation if even one element is neglected.  Timing can be an inscrutable thing, and the individual person’s discernment is vital.  Again, a variety of help and support over the years proves invaluable, but it’s the person themselves who puts the pieces together—all comforters need to respect this.

The “what” again is about pretending to know the situation with exact intimacy, which is beyond human knowledge.  This has the feeling of putting a finger on the situation and identifying the “what” of the problem, and then the “what” of the solution.  This is a dangerous and an inevitably foolish practice.  It reveals in the helper someone who must be right, who must know what they’re doing, a person who is a gifted helper in all situations.  But this is NOT how you become a gifted helper in all situations.

Gifted helpers in all situations use a process of trust and poise in intentionally NOT knowing.  Their process works by promising to DO nothing without God revealing it through the person they’re helping.

The unknowing comforter is an ally who can be trusted because, as God is their witness, they know they walk on sacred and holy ground with the person.  It’s about walking with the person in their unknowing and walking together on the path of eventual discovery.

Comforters are urged NOT to attempt to answer the inexplicable questions or to “fix” the situation or the person; the “how,” the “why,” the “when,” the “what,” etc, of mysteries is unknowable.  It is best to simply “walk with” the person suffering.  They don’t need (or want) you to “fix” or know anything.