The shock and pain on that first night alone

The worst hours of my life: 2100hrs on Monday September 22, 2003, to 0030hrs Tuesday September 23, 2003.  Well, to be honest, in that season of life, for months and months and months—better read, years—there were many hours that were comparable as the worst I’d ever faced.

The issue during these September 22/23 hours was I was losing my life—my first marriage over, free access to my children gone, my home no longer my home, the need to find another job that didn’t involve travel; ultimately every part of my life shifted like grinding tectonic plates cause a tsunami.  The effects were that dramatic.

As the months of this crisis unfolded, it became clearer and clearer that as one life had comprehensively ended, a new life had to begin—and all of that new life was founded upon the saving power of authentic Christian faith, initially via Twelve Steps spirituality of AA and then via the Baptist Church in the area I had to move to—where my parents lived.

Whilst I’ve been ever thankful for the second chance at a new life for a long time now, back when the old life was crushed, I was shattered and anything could have happened—whilst I threw myself into being supported by caring communities, I was occasionally at mortal risk.

On the night in question, I cannot tell you in one word or one sentence what it was that I was feeling.  I was reeling.  I was numb yet anxious.  I was horrified yet angry at myself.  I bellowed yelps and shed mobs of tears.  My whole life was flashing before my eyes, as my mind ranged through the entire corpus of my 36 years to that point.  And most of all, I was alone.  I was all alone and there was nobody who cared about me there to protect me.  God protected me.

At one point, I sat in the car park of the church we’d attended and been married, back in 1990.  It was utter confusion and overwhelm.

I was in an existential crisis that was absolutely other than anything I’d ever experienced.  I was in deep grief without knowing it because I’d truly never suffered before.  The shock of such a process cannot be overstated.  When everything you’ve ever counted on being yours and safe is suddenly upended and comprehensively lost, it throws you into such a spin that you cannot make sense of it.  It should feel like a living death, but even that’s a concept you’re unable to grasp.  Experiences like this completely undid me.  And I can assure you, that these experiences were quite commonplace.

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There are unprecedented times in all our lives, and that’s not said to scare anyone.

The hope we can hold onto is this: whilst experiences like this are like dying, it’s actually worse than that.  Life as you know it has come to a close, and you’re required to rebuild not only from nothing, but even as you walk daily through the wreckage strewn everywhere, you also rebuild while grieving—it’s a double blow.  BUT once a person goes through that, having faith enough to cope the best they can on the worst days, I mean surviving, they do forge a new path, and that’s not just a new path, but it’s a new way of hopeful living despite the apparent despair that lurks everywhere.

I’m so thankful that nobody rescued me all those years ago, and that I was regularly placed in the position where I had to make choices for the future.  When you’re rescued, it curtails your own agency, and it actually robs you from the opportunities you need to make tough choices that YOU must stand by.  For this reason, it’s crucial for all bystanders, especially those who love those who are in crisis, to have faith that their person in crisis can work their way through it—with support, but without being saved from their situation.

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The shock and pain of that first night is now a fond memory.

Back on the night I possibly prayed that my life would somehow work out, and that I’d use the opportunity ahead of me to truly change and become who I wanted and needed to be.  The fact is, faith started THAT night.  I thank that night’s version of myself.  Even though I’m so glad that it’s behind me.

If you’re in that place of being utterly alone, feeling utterly forsaken, remember this of all the things that God has said: He will never leave you, nor forsake you.  He will get you through if only you can trust the process by faith, relying faithfully on the support that’s available.