Empathy for those who cannot bear their suffering

“When people are suffering, they want to escape their suffering—that’s normal.”
— Dr. Gabor Maté

It’s often all too easy to discuss ways and means of “suffering well” amid loss and grief.  What gets lost in translation is suffering is the hardest thing to endure.  There are so many easier ways to cope than to bear the struggle, even if that is the best and right way of transitioning from a way of life we don’t want to leave in moving toward a way of life we must embrace.

In reality, the easiest way to go the hard way of struggling the right way is nested in having no other option.  That’s right, when we arrive in a place where the pain of staying as we are exceeds the pain of change, right there, in that very place, is both of means and motivation to endure hell.

But it’s still the hardest thing of life.

But in all of this, a simple fact remains.

Those who cannot bear their suffering, who are crushed by it, who are frequently broken by the pain of it, command the empathy of anyone with compassion.  It doesn’t matter what they’ve done.  The honesty of a person willingly entering heartache daily is foundational.

As a counsellor, I’ve journeyed with so many people who have suffered so admirably that they frequently stumbled.  If it wasn’t the presenting issue of their loss and grief and mental health and relationship breakdowns, often what was added to them was a tsunami of additional terrors, very often overwhelming their capacity for recovery.

As an onlooker, I’ve so often been humbled as they’ve left my presence to re-embark on a life that is impossibly hard.  It’s humbling because I recognise that, right there, I stand with them on sacred ground.  And though I feel totally inadequate, I recognise that just standing there with them for a time is enough.

It’s often said we should be kind to people because none of us truly knows what another person is enduring.

It’s actually those who have been to hell and back who have the innate compassion needed to understand others who are going through hell.

There are exceptions.  Those people who are full of empathy for the struggles that the suffering bear, but it is largely experience that teaches us, opening the eyes of our hearts.

If you struggle today, and your confidence for the journey is shattered, or you’re feeling the loneliest you’ve ever felt, or you’re beyond knowing how to respond, know that there are people who empathise with what you’re dealing with.

This empathy is nothing about proving we understand exactly what it is you’re going through, but empathy provides something better.  It’s the understanding that we don’t understand, and more is the point that we are in awe of your courage and strength, even though you may feel very weak.  That inspires us most.

The most inspirational people are those who suffer and who cannot bear their suffering.  Think of the strength that takes.  Think of what it takes to continue to live life amid despair.  Think of what it takes to continue to live outward focused on others like family.