You cannot take what is theirs alone to own

From the requiem of dear experience, each of us has faced times of both not taking enough and of taking too much responsibility.

This article is about those of us who generally take too much responsibility — let’s say you wait for the other person to own their part, they don’t, and so you fill the gap. 

Of course, it’s the narcissist that exploits this most of all, but there are plenty of people who aren’t narcissists who will take advantage of our willingness to take their responsibility.

But what is theirs to own is never for you to take.  Even to the point that it is uncomfortable — and it WILL be uncomfortable, it WILL cause your anxiety to rise — you cannot take what isn’t yours to own.

If you do take what is only theirs to own,
you steal their opportunity to grow.

If you remove from them that opportunity to grow, they will never ascend into the partner or person you need them to be.

And if they never do grow, you AND they lose out.  You’re actually being kind to them to ensure you own ONLY what is yours to own.

If you own what is only yours to own, and they STILL refuse to own their part, you may well have an impasse on your hands.  I’m sure you’ll be reflecting all the way along — “Is this part of the issue REALLY theirs to own?”  The hope is you won’t buckle.  You can still be gentle and kind, but if it’s theirs let them take it.

Many who will read this will need to read it again: you cannot take what is theirs alone to own, because if you do, you not only assume responsibility for what you did not cause, again, you deprive them of the stimulus for learning that we must all receive.

We can’t grow unless we’re left in
difficult situations that are ours alone to own.

This is a pretty simple premise.  It isn’t complicated.  But we must manage our anxiety and our heart, because empathy is manipulated too often, and those who would skirt their responsibility will work you over every time, and they will not learn that way.

By being gentle and kind and refusing to take what is theirs alone to own, you love the other person in a way that lets them be a grownup.  No amount of making it ‘easier’ is the best way.

We all need to know that we must accept the consequences of our actions.  It’s how life works.

Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash