More than ever, boundaries are important

More than ever before the need for boundaries in our relationships comes to the fore.

In this day of social distancing and self-isolation, though it might seem like we are further from people than ever, the truth is our relationships will never be more exposed.

It’s never been more important than now to establish and maintain cooperation.

Because of the distance between us, and our reliance on online videoconferencing, etc, not being face-to-face means that our relationships are actually under more pressure, not less.

Because of the higher stress we are all under, and because of the incredibly unusual situations we find ourselves in, we are more likely to be asked to do things differently, our arrangements are likelier to change, and we will negotiate in unforeseeable ways.

These circumstances will cause us interminable anxiety.

Many of us will wonder why we are being treated unfairly.  We will understand the pressures that everyone is under, but we may still resent the way we’re being treated.  In being asked to do things we wouldn’t normally be asked to do, we will feel obliged to do those things, but we won’t necessarily feel comfortable about it. 

It’s not just the pressure and stress and strain that will be inhibitors to our communication, but it will also be the fact that we are relationally distant, and more reliant than ever on technology to get our messages across.

Then there are communications that occur in the home.

We may well imagine how difficult it is being cooped up in the same area with those we love.  For anyone reading this, we may well enjoy a cackle or even perhaps a private lament.  The issues of our proximity to certain people in many ways are no laughing matter.

When we can’t get out of the way of certain people it does cause chagrin.  And not only for us.  There are also silver linings for our relationships, but probably not before we find we must wrestle with conflict and agree on boundaries.

Boundaries are good, in that they are a way of endeavouring to communicate understanding.

As we speak forth our boundaries into the relational space, we invite those we communicate with to respect us a particular way, just as we are prepared to respect them in a way they wish for us to do.

Boundaries, therefore, are a way of drawing a line in the sand, as specifying what we require for the relationship to work.

Once we have stated our boundaries, we then may use them as a basis for adult communication — where we may honour one another through mutual accountability, which is mutual respect and the pleasure of cooperation.

Once boundaries are in place, we’re then in a position to gently though firmly reinforce them.  We don’t need to be unkind.  We have communicated our position, so we only need to restate our boundary and we can expect cooperation, especially when people already know what our boundaries are.

If our boundaries aren’t respected as they should be, and there is wilful defiance, we have a different problem.  That creates the need of a different conversation.

The lack of respect for our boundaries communicates quite a straightforward message.  It then becomes a dialogue of consequences.

Not that we’re schooling a fellow adult, but if we can’t work together within the home or workplace due to wilful defiance, there must be a sensible consequence that reinforces the importance of the boundary.

Today as always is the ideal opportunity to hold these conversations.

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash