Confronting conflict to promote peace

Having waited years for a time to finally say one’s piece, very often we’ve prayed for just the right moment to speak forth the truth on our heart. At times the soul becomes sick for waiting in hope, though just as much, time can equip us to speak more calmly. Nevertheless, many of us wait and wait for that cherished hope of redemption—where the person who has harmed us might finally own what they did.

I know this is a controversial subject. Everyone it seems has a view on this topic. I know there are many who have different views on whether confrontations of conflict are worth their while or not. Sometimes they aren’t. Often, it’s the case that it would be unwise to poke the bear—that abusive nemesis who may have been a former partner, boss, pastor, or someone else with power, that they issued over us. In these situations, we came to our peace for the fact that we removed ourselves from the toxic situation. Only then could we breathe a proverbial sigh of relief, even if potential triggers of the past were or are ever present.

Conflict literally begs to be reconciled; restitution for the trust that was damaged, and a relationship restored. In an ideal world there is no payment for reconciliation other than repentance. If only there were less lawsuits and more conversations of sweet reasonableness. A vast number of conflicts can be resolved simply through a shared mutual understanding—“Oh, THAT’S how what I did hurt you… if only I knew that before! I’m so sorry! Let me make it up to you. Please forgive me. I hope you can trust me again sometime, but I don’t expect you to. Whatever you decide I will accept.”

But a shared understanding presumes a lot. It assumes both parties are reasonable and are willing to give up something costly and not just take what they can from the relationship. Not everyone is willing to see reason, especially if it requires acknowledging a hurtful truth. Not everyone will be humbled. Shame is too big a weakness to bear for some; it takes too much strength to be that weak. There are many who will stick to their digs no matter what, because restoring the relationship is farthest from their goal. Vulnerability is too big a price to pay.

The narcissist is particularly terrifying when confronted. Very often they will leave us with much cause for regret; a bite that keeps stinging. They will seek to teach us a lesson for confronting conflict, and for having the audacity to hope for peace; a disgustingly laughable concept in their view. And the fact that they chide us in these ways stirs us up all the more. They expose us to ridicule because we believed they were capable of good. But people such as these always set their mind on the win. They flourish in conflict, are at ease in our confusion, love to confound others, and demand to be in control.

The only way we defeat such a person is through a peace they cannot reconcile. This is a God-peace that was lavished extravagantly on the cross for each of us. There is a reason Satan couldn’t predict eternity’s checkmate. It was completely unconscionable. Evil cannot think in the ways of genuine benevolence. Wickedness cannot reconcile self-sacrifice. Such magnanimity cannot be contemplated.

The kind of act for peace that evil cannot understand is a sacrifice that allows evil its own way, and that comes with an innate response of joy no matter what is lost, just as the apostle Paul considered every worldly gain a loss for the gain he had in Christ (Philippians 3). We only get this when we do it. This is an applied faith; it only makes sense when we apply it. God shows us that when nothing can threaten us, that which needs to threaten us is threatened so much as to be weakened. Evil has no answer to beneficence of God.

Where a shared understanding is possible, i.e. you have two reasonable people/parties, a confrontation of conflict designed for peace is a crucial intervention. Sometimes we will not know if reconciliation is possible unless we try a confrontation. But we do need to prepare, including owning our own stuff, if that’s the case.

So, there are two broad situations: the first, where reason can potentially exist between two disputing parties, and the second where there has been an abuse of power. The first situation evokes a response that lends itself to confrontation. The second situation involves finding peace by avoiding confrontation. Both situations involve planning and wisdom. Both situations involve caution, and the risk of great hurt, and particularly the unexpected which can often trigger what may be unprecedented on a mental, emotional and spiritual plane.

It truly is the prayer of the many, that those who have proven to be our nemesis actually come to their senses—as far as their senses for ‘us’ are concerned (presuming we’ve come to our senses about ‘them’, of course)—and prove to us that they are human, and capable of understanding, after all.

Many times, this involves family relationships, where blood is truly thicker than water, but this occurs any time where stakes are huge, and trust is high. The relationships we were most hurt by were the ones where we had most to lose.

Confrontations can be worth it for the fact that we are not left wondering, but equally they involve much risk, and not all risks pay off, and some cost far too much.

What I’m saying is be careful. Be diligent about the advice you seek and receive. Listen especially to discerning voices that differ from your own. Plan for the best but prepare for the worst. And don’t enter combat with a narcissist alone, and don’t allow them to get you alone. Have ready access to support and help. It can literally save your life.

Photo by Jonathan Sharp on Unsplash