Disappointing People When Trying To Satisfy Them - A Common Mistake

I love this advice. Number 246 of Balthasar Gracian's The Art of Worldly Wisdom encourages us to save our best efforts for when they’re required. The 17th Century Jesuit priest chronicled many wisdom teachings that are as relevant today as the day they emerged from his mind. This particular gem refers to our propensity to try to please people and the folly of that plan. Here is the advice verbatim:

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246. Never offer satisfaction unless it is demanded. And if they do demand it, it is a kind of crime to give more than necessary. To excuse oneself before there is occasion is to accuse oneself. To draw blood in full health gives the hint to ill will. An excuse unexpected arouses suspicion from its slumbers. Nor need a shrewd person show himself aware of another's suspicion, which is equivalent to seeking out offense. He had best disarm distrust by the integrity of his conduct.

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It’s best policy to remain unfazed by the querying of others. People will query us and our intentions but it’s our job to have the integrity of conduct that remains unaffected. When we have acted honourably, we should recognise this and have the quiet confidence reflecting our prior good work.

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We are apt at making excuses for ourselves. It’s not a good idea however to excuse oneself before the appropriate time as it arouses awareness in others that ought not to have been revealed -- this is not deceit; it’s actually focusing on what the other person wants and not on what petty failures or guilt we might be aware of -- that don’t, in any event, make any difference to the other person. This information is surplus to requirement.

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We should become skilled at sharing only what is required; by fitting to the need what we can bring to it. Why give more than is required? In planning circles, it’s a skill to deliver the right product, on time; not more product or before time. Bigger is not necessarily better.

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When we direct attention away from the issue at hand (no matter how good our intentions are) we bring contempt to the process and hold it up for the destruction of our own credibility. Rarely will it come off. It’s therefore a big and awkward risk we take -- it’s not advised. If we continue, we instead force others to re-consider their perceptions of us, and this is not from the positive viewpoint.

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Become adept at identifying and delivering on the actual need of the other party; on time, on budget -- per expectation. Now that is real skill. (The personal benefit to this is obvious: we gather peace for ourselves when we don’t react to others on a whim.)

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.