Loving Your Ordinary Life – Welcoming the Drudgery of Life

We hate our ordinary lives, most of us. It’s an insult that we can’t be famous, or ‘successful,’ or filthy rich. It might sound like an overstatement but that is basically the way we see things most of the time, is it not? We want the easy life that is full of contentment and any possession we’d care to own... long life, good name or “fame,” and prosperity.

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Ironically, there’re not many people that actually believe this sort of ‘dream’ life is possible. Most people are realistic enough to know this. Yet, we strive for more. We’re typically discontent with our lot.

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I’ve commented on Avril Lavigne’s songs before. Her song “Anything But Ordinary,” off the hit album “Let Go,” says so much about the frustration of life, and the anguish and torment, not to mention the boredom of it, we deal with under the surface in everyday life:

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Is it enough to love?

Is it enough to breath?

Somebody rip my heart out

And leave me here to bleedIs it enough to die?

Somebody save my lifeI

'd rather be anything but ordinary please

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To walk within the lines

Would make my life so boring

I want to know that I Have been to the extreme

So knock me off my feet

Come on now give it to me

Anything to make me feel alive

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It’s a statement of discontent. Its problem is life itself. Is life “enough?” Is it enough to experience the absolute pinnacle of life? i.e. love. Is it enough to go through life simply breathing, or ‘complying’ with life’s demands and rules—is it good enough? Ordinary things, and even extraordinary things, like love, don’t seem enough at times. Is it enough to die; rather be dead than ordinary? Please? What about ‘extremes.’ Some people, and particularly the young, need to go to the extremes to ‘taste’ life, the life that’s not so boring; to break up the tedium.

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There has to be more to life, surely! There has to be something to put our hope in; something more to stimulate us. There must be some rational and real purpose to it all. And there is. It’s right under our nose and so very obvious, yet we don’t see it because it doesn’t appear interesting enough.

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I’m suggesting that the ordinary life; my plain and ordinary life, is so uniquely special, just being alive and thinking about all the possibilities is on its own, simply breathtaking. The fact that I am ‘here’ typing this article, communicating to you, and able to speak to myself and think and create, is simply marvellous. Why do I think this way?

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The above paragraph is not an overstatement. We live at the very cusp of time: the present. We have the power to create history; in fact, whether we like it or not, that is exactly what we are doing in the present.

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Oswald Chambers says, “Drudgery is the touchstone of character... There are times when there is no... thrill, but just the daily round, the common task.... Do not expect God always to give you His thrilling minutes, but learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God.”[1]

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Drudgery is not a very exciting word; in fact it is quite ghastly. The point is you and your life: it is a gift from God. He gives it to you so you can discover your life purpose, something each one of us has to discover for his or her own. That purpose will drive us through life giving us power to create loving relationships so we can leave our legacy on life.

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- What was it you wanted said at your funeral?
- What sort of person were you?
- What does your family and co-workers say of you?

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You can have any ordinary life you want. You may as well; you’ll be stuck doing it forty hours a week for most of the rest of your life, so you might as well enjoy it! I can honestly say I’ve not had “Mondayitis” for the past fifteen years, which equates to 60 percent of my work life. I love work, and I also love rest. What about you? Do you look forward to your life... your work... time with your family?

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Life is drudgery most of the time, so get over it and start living it. Be present one moment at a time. Things will change gradually. You’ll begin to love what you have. It’s great!

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (New York: Dodd, Mead, 1935), 167, June 15 entry, cited in Ellen Vaughn's Radical Gratitude: Discovering Joy Through Everyday Thankfulness, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2005), p. 173.

The Secret To Endless Energy – How To Do Everything Well

What is it about life that makes us think that it requires endless energy levels simply to survive? Are you caught in the ‘rat race?’ Are you required to do exceedingly more with exceedingly less? Are you suffering burn out? Does your vigour level wane as the day and week unfolds? And are more people looking to you to solve their problems than you can handle? Questions!! Noise! Had enough??

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Life is almost a fight, a frantic one at that, to discover or rekindle energy levels just to earn the right to time off, and time to rest.

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Dave Fleming tells the story of one who had “enormous energy.”[1] E. Stanley Jones lived and worked in the early- to mid-twentieth Century, in India. A person with passion for people and a friend and influencer of Ghandi’s, Jones had a simple philosophy for the provision of personal power. He said, “I’ve learned to... obey the laws of God, get a creative task [and] be absorbed in helping others.”[2] Jones’ discovered was that if he could be “gripped” with a passion (the creative task) he could tap into incredible depths of energy resource. It couldn’t be something that someone else dreamt up for him; it had to be his to work.

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I have found it possible at times in my life to extract so much more out of myself than I previously would have thought possible. And every time it had something to do with this type of positive vitality of mission and purpose; there was something ‘bigger than me’ to work for, and it was breathtaking just living.

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Is endless oomph really for “everything?” That’s just the point in where we fail. We try to do it all and that’s where we come unstuck. It all depends on what we define “everything” to be, doesn’t it? “Everything” should be:

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- Aligned with our life roles and goals;

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- Anything that gives us an instinctive or natural burst of energy that drives us positively in our venture toward life goals and mission; and,

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- Prioritised from our Values, which are from that sense of what we actually live for.
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If you begin from your values and life roles and goals you’ll soon find your passions, and what drives you.

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- Think about being the best example you can be in each life role you play;

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- Stay healthy by eating well and exercising and sleeping adequately;

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- Think of others and serve them;

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- Plan ahead by anticipating things before they happen; and

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... Soon you will be living on a super abundance of energy.

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A wonderful thing grows from this vivacity. “When we find our creative selves and sources, we are passionately compelled to give them away.”[3] This is a legacy for anyone and everyone we know to tap into. It’s contagious.[4] Don’t become, or copy, someone else. Becoming “me,” the original me, is a source of huge energy and potential. Become authentic—become you.

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One word of caution: The only thing you have to temper when you achieve endless energy levels is how much you tap into them. No one can, or should, sustain endless energy levels at all times; we all need rest. Rest to recharge and rejuvenate ourselves.

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We must learn to listen to ourselves and our bodies and try to keep our minds creative and fresh. This can only be accomplished if we occasionally slow down enough to a stop and reflect on life.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Dave Fleming’s, Leadership Wisdom from Unlikely Voices: People of yesterday speak to leaders of today, (emergentYS Books (Youth Specialties) Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2004), p. 81f.
[2] E. Stanley Jones, Song of Ascents: A Spiritual Autobiography, (Abingdon Press, 1968), p. 338. Cited in Dave Fleming’s, Ibid., p. 82.
[3] Fleming, Op cit., p. 83.
[4] Fleming, Ibid., p. 84.

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Running Out Of Patience - Running Out Of Warnings

FATAL ERRORS are something more akin to computer system failures these days than real life instances of consequences of situations that have gone beyond repair, or warnings that have gone totally unheeded with the result of excrement hitting the fan. This is something that still happens, however. When we’ve clean out of warnings. The next time we ‘slip up’ it’s not going to be pretty. It’s judgment time.

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When we are warned about something it is best to take heed of the warning is it not? Diligence and prudence would advise us to ‘not go there.’

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There are times when we fail to see warnings and we happily proceed in life without much pain or problem; you try it one more time, then whack! You’re gone! All of a sudden, seemingly without warning, there is a dire consequence that in retrospect was always a threat to occur, but we somehow never saw it or heeded it. A common, easy-to-understand metaphor is the speeding ticket. How many times do we speed, even marginally? How many times do we get a ticket? Not often. We implicitly know we’re getting away with it, and then we cringe when we finally do get one; knowing with an intense level of frustration and mild embarrassment that we should’ve known better!

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So it was for the Hebrews back in around 586 B.C.E. They had been warned and warned and warned, and then they had been warned some more. Israel had become a corrupt nation. Although the odd monarch was relatively faithful and just, on average the holy nation was rotten to the core, and asking for divine trouble. This trouble was going to come from Yahweh, of course, in the form of judgment.

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They were conquered by the Babylonians as Jerusalem fell and they suffered 70 years of captivity. The words of Yahweh resound. “No remedy,” for the nation who had not listened to the prophets. No remedy for decade after decade of depraved practices and crooked rulers. No remedy for the people.

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The quote from Proverbs 29:1 is chilling. It’s alarming simply in its stark truth.

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“Whoever remains stiff-necked [and refuses to change] after many rebukes will be suddenly destroyed—without remedy.”

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It’s about making the same mistake and falling short, time after time and never learning. It is the consequence for not learning some key life lesson.

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Where is this happening in our lives? Where has it in fact happened? We’ve continued on intrepidly in a certain venture, and it has brought about ruin. We see it in others’ lives too don’t we?

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- Where are you running out of time?

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- Are people running out of patience with you?

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- Is it time to change and respond to what they’re saying, before it is too late?

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- Some warnings bring quite dire consequences.

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- Are you ready for the pain of these consequences?

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- Or, are you willing to change?

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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Dealing With The Bully – Fighting Back Without Fighting

I hate bullies. Actually, that is incorrect. I hate bullying behaviour. It’s unfair to categorise people as “bullies,” as it is such a nasty tag. People might choose to engage in bullying behaviour, but that does not make them “label-able.” Throughout this article wherever I refer to a bully personally, it is usually for literary variety or other reasons as I’d prefer to not label people.

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Even though we can be bullied anywhere, it is most likely to occur in a place where we have established, regular, well-attended relationships; a nurturing ground from which this insidious and terrorising behaviour can germinate and grow. For this reason, I want to focus on this sort of harassment in the working context, and how I believe it can be handled to ensure the situation doesn’t escalate.

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The root cause of bullying behaviour is fear. The perpetrator is doing two things: firstly they’re initiating this form of terror, and secondly, they’re working from fear when they behave this way. It might not seem so, but they’re more scared than you are deeper down. How ironic is that? The person who is instilling the fear does so because they are full of it! Their hope is that by behaving this way, they can influence our behaviour toward doing the thing they want us to do, by making us afraid. This is the only way they can feel safe within themselves; by having their own way in the matter. And what they are most scared of is a response that will be counter to, or ‘other than,’ what they had in mind.

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This introduces the ultimate weapon in fighting fear-tactics. It is very rare that one method works in all situations. In the general sense only, we actually need to work with these fear tactics to succeed. This takes courage. Not to fight, but to be-friend the perpetrator. The essence is not friendship. It is removing the energy from the conflict, by quietly not reacting to the behaviour whilst be completely respectful. For the perpetrator, they don’t expect this reaction; it catches them off-guard and they are momentarily vulnerable. There respect for you may even grow when you don’t seize on the opportunity to ‘put the boot in.’

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The sort of bullying that I find so prevalent in office and industrial environments I’ve worked in, for instance, with supposedly mature and “well-adjusted” adults, is what I like to call ‘exclusionary bullying.’ This behaviour is enacted on people who are shown to not fit the “crowd set,” and are thus ostracised. This is subtle bullying.

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It is manifested by deliberately setting the victim apart, and by excluding them from the communications ‘frame.’ It could be other disrespectful behaviours like not giving them eye contact, or ‘fobbing them off.’ Probably the biggest issue for the perpetrator is a lack of respect. Exclusionary bullies tend to find those of a similar mind and engage in the behaviour in little teams. It’s really quite pathetic.

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Plumbing the depths of this problem further, it can be said that bullies are proverbial fools—you can actually feel sorry for them; they’re scared creatures. They have little self-worth, and though they pretend life is grand, it is anything but that within their hearts. The ancient Hebrews called this sort of person weak-hearted, meaning there is no depth of character within them. So you can see we can feel sorry for them. They have such problems with the deadly sins of pride, envy, anger, and sloth; we can feel very grateful we don’t have such problems.

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Running through Proverbs I can see such good advice like: a gentle answer turns away wrath (15:1); the hot-tempered (and hatred) stir up dissension, but those who are patient and loving calm a quarrel and cover all wrongs (15:18, 10:12); and, whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats a matter separates close friends (17:9). We should be able to live at peace with everyone; and everyone should desire it, though sadly this is not the case.

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By reacting the way that’s discussed means:

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· You will protect yourself first by not reacting to the fear you will inevitably feel—this requires courage in the moment;
· You will also “foster love” in the relationship with the bully; a fight with only one person fighting cannot be sustained; and,
· You will gradually de-power the situation, and over time you should note the negative energy between you and perpetrator diminishing.
· It will also show and model to others how to handle this sort of person and situation sensitively, and in a way that respects everyone.

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And if you’re impacted by exclusionary and very subtle bullying, hold firm. Continue being respectful and objective. Make a firm commitment to behave this way. If you slip up, don’t worry, just start again.

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Finally, we must be careful that we don’t fall for cowardly acts like:

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· Placating the bully; or,
· Flattering them.

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If we did this we’d be nurturing their already out of control ego. If we are concerned for peace and wish to be at peace with everyone, desiring the best for the situation with this perpetrator means striving for a balanced friendliness that doesn’t give them anything to ‘feed on.’

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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Flattery Will Get You Everywhere, Or Was It Nowhere?

It’s everywhere. We see it when people are trying to be nice with one another, and we experience it when someone is trying to sell us something. It’s flattery. If you’re like me, you might’ve grown up thinking of it as something good, which captured the essence of the saying, “Well, flattery will get you nowhere,” or was it, “everywhere”? We may have made joking remarks about it, but we subconsciously saw through it, and knew it wasn’t right. The point is we don’t often see the problem with it; we don’t see it for ‘what’ it really is.

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Flattery (or variously obsequiousness) is contemptible because it is given to deceive. It’s about “excessive praise out of self-interest.” Or put another way; it is the act of giving excessive compliments, generally for the purpose of ingratiating oneself with the subject.[1] It generally connotes insincerity. It’s deception to get what the flatterer wants.

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Dale Carnegie once said, “Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.” And ancient Greek philosopher, Socrates said, “Flattery is like friendship in show, but not in fruit.” It’s hollow, false and damaging.

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Flattery’s opposite is to communicate truthfully, flawlessly. It is communication motivated for the actual need alone, and praise is only given when it’s warranted. It would not deliver praise for any other reason, and definitely not for personal gain. Obsequiousness isn’t just the transmission of smooth or sweet words; it’s really the broad intent of selfishness and a lack of character that drives it.

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Vanity (a form of the deadly sin, pride) is the reason we fall for flattery—we sometimes want to believe the ‘excessive praise’ we get, subconsciously pretending it were true. At these times, truth doesn’t matter so much, after all, the lie makes us feel great, and if one person can say it, well, it could just be true enough for them to believe it too, so why not others? Do we see any denial here?

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Vanity is a trap, pure and simple. Pride goes before destruction as the old proverb expounds. People who accept flattery when it’s given show their weakness for it and are all the more susceptible to it in the future. The person who behaves foolishly enough to flatter will find vane people constantly clinging to them. Birds of a feather stick together, as the once-popular saying goes.

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Flattery is duplicitous and a prelude to trickery. One of the most important Christian prophesies[2] about the end of time mentions that ‘flattery will corrupt’ those who are corruptible. This is not a good place for one to be in. To not fall for it but stand firm is wise.

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We need to be wary of false praise. It’s probably happening to you more than you realise. Take a moment to think of those who are trying to achieve your esteem; wanting to get into your good books. If they are trying it on you, beware; be on your guard, for they lie to get something from you or others that they either can’t get, or can’t be bothered getting, legitimately. Sweet talk is a cover for someone’s real intention.

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Sycophancy (another word for it) is a favourite behaviour of the ‘proverbial fool.’ They treat others how they want to be treated. They can’t think and speak truthfully, so the best thing that comes from their mouths is a ‘nice lie.’ Nice lies however, have the nature of wrong about them and in truth are no nicer than a terrible lie.

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What can we learn from people who flatter us? Or perhaps we recognise within ourselves the propensity to this sort of behaviour? The most likely places you could find yourself engaging in this behaviour are at work, or in social scenes where you might feel the need to ‘brown-nose.’ No matter what your instincts tell you, it is never a good idea to engage in this behaviour.

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We need to be genuine and sincere in our complimenting behaviour. We need to be specific, timely, and fair.

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- There’s not much sense in saying to someone, “You look great,” or “Great job!” If you mean it, it’s far better being more informative about what it is exactly that provoked such a response in you. What is it in their appearance or performance you liked exactly? Be articulate.

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- Make sure wherever you can, to compliment people from your heart, in the most sincere way you can, and try to do it straight away; don’t think, “I’ll do it later,” have the courage to do it now. Good intentions rarely fail.

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- Finally, make sure it is fair and appropriate. Whenever you feel drawn to flatter someone, perhaps a superior at work or in a club you belong to, stop and have the courage to restrain yourself and not give the ‘excessive praise.’ The good person who you flatter will see all through it in any event, so make it genuine.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flattery.
[2] See Daniel 11:32.

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The Courage, Inspiration and Truth of Love

Love is set apart from all other things in life. It’s what sorts out spiritual truth from untruth. If it were a tank, love would hold water. Thought of in this way, love is impervious to ‘leaks’ in the form of fear. It simply is perfect.

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Fear is love’s natural opposite. When we have a situation occur in our lives, a situation that requires an emotional response, we vacillate between the two extremes of love and fear, picking either somewhere in the middle or somewhere either end of that great mental, emotional and spiritual continuum. If we select the middle-ground and we reach an area we could call ‘indifference.’ Pick either side of the continuum, and there is a stark world of difference in our response.

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If we respond to the situation in fear, we experience what we so often see in the world. Fear, by nature, is gripping and paralysing. It causes us to fight and we don’t understand why. Or we might run very quickly the other way. We’re just scared. Fear is unfortunately the default mindset of humanity. It’s the scourge of our insufficient natures. We want to either fight or run; another set of extremes. Fear’s affects are dramatic too. If “love is not perfected in me, I will have a constant sense of condemnation and... fearfulness. I will spend the whole of my life in this world in condemnation.”[1] This is guilt, and a hell of a life, with no joy, peace or love or happiness. Why are we so naturally driven to fear? Perhaps it’s because we see it and experience it more often than we do real love. Perhaps we are naturally geared towards it?

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To make things better and simpler there is only one thing, or better put, only one being we should fear, and that is God. If that were the case, and we were to only fear God, love would be much easier. Love would then become our default response when we’re placed in emotional turmoil. Love is freeing.

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Love is counter-cultural to human beings. We’ve got no idea how to love and give to others in a sustainable way. It comes from God, and from his spirit within us. It is his power to inspire, and his power to grow a good thing, a good deed, a good character.

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So, what is love in the context with which I speak? Selwyn Hughes illustrates the epitome of love in this statement:

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“When you gaze upon the face of someone you have hurt and you see hurt but no rejection in that look you have just had a glimpse of the face of Jesus Christ!”[2]

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And he was; utterly rejected by the world, his own followers, and even God the father himself temporarily. With every reason to turn his back in fear and judgment, he faced the rejection with an open heart and returned the hate and fear he experienced, with love. He was hurt and could have rejected the people who hurt him; he chose to love instead. We’re capable of this response too. Very much so.

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For us you must realise, there is power in love. When we’re rejected and hurt, the last thing we might think of doing is to courageously love back. An important fact is it is not only possible, but it is power. This is power beyond our own making. It could only be God’s because it is miraculous. That’s what makes it so wonderful. We should fear no one but God. If we fear other things we lose this miraculous supernatural, divine, heavenly power.

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If you want to taste true life and true freedom of spirit, try loving back when you don’t have to; when it’s your choice. You may just see a strange response in the person you’re relating with. A response that says, ‘I have just felt the power of God!’

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Life in Christ, Studies in 1 John, five volumes in one (Crossway Books, Illinois, 2002), p. 547.
[2] Selwyn Hughes, Spoken from the Heart: Powerful talks and addresses that have blessed and inspired audiences around the world, (CWR, Waverley Abbey House, Surrey, England, 2005), p. 114.

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Parenting Journey – The Balance, Necessity and Legacy of Wisdom

Would there be any task harder than parenting? For sheer enormity of investment it is easily the biggest venture you’ll enter into. There are a plethora of reasons why it is so demanding.

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Here’s but a few things to consider: it’s a lifetime project—it’s a labour of love, a job you can’t quit; the brief changes every day, and morphs every month and each year, so you have no chance of really adjusting; you probably have a certificate, diploma or degree that qualifies you to do your secular work, but you need no ‘quals,’ and get no training, to parent; and, no matter how good a person you are, parenting is bound to ‘bring you down to size’ every now and then... Overall, it’s a pretty thankless job wouldn’t you say?

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Yet, for all this there are those parents who seem to be born for the role. They love kids and never see challenges as problems, only opportunities; you see them dealing with their kids this way and you think, ‘how do they do it... remaining so patient, so consistent?’ They seem to have model children, and even if they don’t, they have miraculous powers of patience or an overabundance of serenity to deal with the rebellion in their kids.

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So, what could be some of the keys to overcoming negative thinking regarding parenting, and what is the essence and purpose of “the job” in reality? How do we become better, more capable parents?

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I believe that many parents get into trouble because they fail to plan. In other words, they don’t envisage problems. They also don’t see these problems as opportunities. They don’t counter the problems (a.k.a. opportunities) with goals and milestones designed to mitigate the effect of the problem in the first place. They don’t set some plans to “get there.” It’s parenting by the “on-a-wing-and-a-prayer” method. It’s a recipe for disaster.

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There is a “tender balance of restraint and freedom” involved in parenting.[1] It’s a juggling act of judgment, concern, empathy, discipline, and finally, grace. All underpinned by love. It’s a calling to Wisdom, and for the parent to call on Wisdom, as if she were a person, a friend, an ally. What would Wisdom say? What would she advise?

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Here are some thoughts:

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- As parents we need to learn not to say “no”—we must give reasons and resources to allow children to say no (to the bad things) for themselves. We also need to teach them how to say “yes” to those things that lead toward life.

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- “Wisdom education” emanates from both the home and the school; it’s not just the school’s responsibility.

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- Wisdom is not a gift or at least not a gift in the traditional sense of the word. “Obtaining spiritual wisdom isn't a once-a-week hobby, it is the daily discipline of a lifetime.”[2] It requires hard work (diligence), and it requires practise—it must be “practiced.” As a parent, we can do a lot worse than read about it, observe it in others, meditate on it, emulate role models of wisdom, and spend time investing in relationships with wise, loving people etc. There awaits a rich reward as we pour this learning of faith, hope and love into our children.

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- It leads us to truth—anywhere we find truth, we find God. The God who wants to be known and “found” by us. Is he the “hide ‘n seek” God? He does seem hard to find doesn’t he? But, when we look hard enough he’s there alright. Doing things in ordinary lives all the time; all we need do is look for goodness, splendour, and love. There, he’s found!

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- Wisdom is a lecture. It’s a talk (or series of talks) passed down from generation to generation. Like the Olympic torch relay, it must be carried to each succeeding generation. Every single one of us, in turn, has a role to play in passing it on. We must “store up” these commands of faith within us even if they appear irrelevant at the time. We need to be empowering our children to decide for themselves in wisdom.

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- There’s a ‘wisdom process’ at play in life learning. The goal is to receive it firstly, then respond, and finally to assimilate it and integrate it with the rest of our wisdom experience, into one’s life to enable “independent moral and spiritual judgment” to guide us.[3]

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- It is implied that if God controls things in wisdom, “the most important value for the educational process is wisdom... Other values, such as willingness to learn, righteousness, and life, form the foundations for education. These values translate into commitment to wisdom, character, competence, protection, prosperity, and knowledge of God.”[4]

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- According to Estes (in Daniel, E.A., cited herein) there are three primary sources of parental wisdom education content (curricula). These are via observation, tradition, and revelation, or spiritual insight. It is argued that observation is the most powerful antecedent to wisdom learning. [5]

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- Again, the same author writes of Estes’ work: “The role of the teacher [read ‘parent’ as well] is seen as that of an authority and guide who moves to facilitator as the learner grows in maturity. The teacher must avoid forming passive learners who fail to think through the instruction they receive.” [6] Parenting is the process of gradually letting go.

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- The ancients parented in ways that we, as parents, must duplicate: We need to “learn to let go in trust and confidence that inspires us to the same” ideals as they strove for and achieved.[7] We must see the correct recipe is all so well laid out for us in the teaching of Proverbs 1-9.

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- The wisdom of Proverbs 1-9 says basically, Son [or daughter], if you accept instruction, turn your ear, cry aloud, and call out for wisdom; look for it, search for it, apply your heart to it... wisdom... “You will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path.”[8]

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Paul E. Koptak, Proverbs: NIV Life Application Commentary, (Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2003), p. 110f.
[2] Warren W. Wiersbe, Be Skillful. (Wheaton: Scripture Press, Victor Books, 1995), p. 36.
[3] Paul E. Koptak, Op cit., p. 112. This is from Estes’ offering cited below.
[4] Eleanor A. Daniel, Hear, My Son: Teaching and Learning in Proverb 1-9 in Religious Education, Spring 1999 (Book Review of Hear, My Son: Teaching and Learning in Proverbs 1-9. By Daniel J. Estes. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Eerdmans, 1997. 173 pp.) Available online at: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3783/is_199904/ai_n8840856
[5] Eleanor A. Daniel, Ibid.
[6] Eleanor A. Daniel, Ibid.
[7] Paul E. Koptak, Op cit., p. 112.
[8] Proverbs 2:9 (NIV).

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Free To Be Me – The Art of Being Cosmically Alone

I have a personal mantra that is so important to my sense of peace. I know there is a principle of truth to this maxim that works for everyone, so I am going to share it. It is simply this: “I am cosmically alone.” These words give me the impetus to seek, and the ability to find, contentment in none other than God i.e. I’ll not let the restlessness with others that I might feel in my heart, affect my own peace. Additionally, and importantly, I am not only able to be alone; I actively seek it each day because I have learned it is an enjoyable, fulfilling, and healthy spiritual discipline.

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I was first inspired by the quote reading a newspaper. It is the life axiom of an Australian Art Gallery director. I have taken a slightly different and perhaps a more spiritual meaning from it compared with the quote’s original sense.[1] It doesn’t mean at all that I think life is all about me, or that I feel alone. This motto simply helps me to give others’ space and respect, and assists me to maintain my own sense of life balance and shalom; via two things: 1) maintaining a healthy independence from people and situations; and 2) by being comfortably alone for some part of each day.

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This is an example of the first way it works. Say you have a problem in a critical relationship with a close friend or a family member. You’ve tried to bring certain issues before them and always to no avail; they’ve never really responded the ‘right’ way.

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In reality, you can’t do a thing about the way they feel. Actually, there’s good reason—it is taken as an attack on their person, and they’ll probably never respond the way you see them needing to. They need time to come to their own understanding of the problem, and its affects (on you, themselves or others), and time to decide if it’s even a problem to them at all. Secondarily, this idea has application in helping you not make comparisons that might cause envy in you, whether it’s over a material possession another has, or a character quality, or a relationship. Notwithstanding mentors and appropriate role models, we shouldn’t compare ourselves with other people.

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It means in essence, that I try to maintain a healthy independence from people and circumstances that speaks fundamentally of my accountability to God alone. I try to remain detached enough to preserve the worlds of others, and certainly my own. I try to ask myself, ‘How important is this issue (to me[2]) in the overall scheme of things.’ Very rarely are things that important that we should need to encroach on others’ spaces—even in marriage or parent/child relationships. This is in theory, a total respect of the other person for whom they are. This doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t challenge things. It means we can say something, if it’s appropriate, and say it with respect and then leave it with the person themself to reflect upon and decide what to do with the feedback.

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All you can do is call attention to the problem, and then leave it. Leave the problem with the person. Say to yourself, “this is not my problem.” Give them the respectful space that you can. The outcome is peace for you and peace for them and a win/win outcome.

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A second way the idea works is in being alone. Being alone is not fun for some people. They feel bored, lonely, or even scared. For various reasons, they have not learned to quiet their heart, and simply “be.” I have learned that one of the best states I can get to mentally and spiritually requires me to be alone. I feel such peace and contentment in the quiet and stillness, meditating on powerful truths, like the presence of God, for instance. Being alone is never really the case—he is always there speaking if we care to listen.

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God has said he will never ever leave us and never ever totally forsake us—in other words, we have nothing less than his complete spiritual presence with us. If we believe, he can guide us in his love, goodness, mercy and grace. If we believe, we can draw on his power to gain peace in being alone, ideally for a minimum of 30 minutes a day. Also, if you have a busy life, being still and quiet and alone for some time each day is a pleasant relief from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

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It’s appropriate to conclude with this: The basis of this idea is I am accountable to God alone. I believe everyone is, simply by virtue that we came into the world alone and we’ll leave it that way. The biblical character Job alluded to this when he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart.”[3] He goes on to say that whatever the Lord gives he also takes away, and blessed be his name. For all these reasons I strive to please God.

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It’s irrefutably true; no matter what we acquire in our lives, the ‘pieces all go back in the “monopoly” box of life’ when we die. If only we could live more often with this sort of knowledge at the forefront of our minds. Our hearts would gradually respond in congruence I’m sure. We’d make better life choices, particularly in how we invest our time, not to mention money. At the end of the day, we will all answer to God. We are all, each one of us, alone with him.

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Things to consider going forward:

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When you feel you’re being too dependent on others or are affected adversely by situations:
- Ask how important is this issue to me, specifically?
- Ask yourself: If I let this go, will it affect me adversely? If I let it go, will it affect a dependent of mine adversely?
- If you’d answer “yes” to the above question you could look for the right time to confront the person sensitively and respectfully, and then leave it.
- If you answer “no” then learn to let the issue go.
- Are you guilty of making comparisons with others, and does this cause envy? If so, acknowledge and actively work through these feelings. Acknowledge that envy is dangerous for both you, and the other person—it’s always a lose/lose situation.

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Other considerations for inner peace:
- Can you slow down and review/plan your day, your year; your life?
- Are you able to be still, quiet, alone? How reflective are you?
- If you can do these things, are you able to ‘sink into the experience’ each time and really enjoy it? If not, don’t give up. It will be enjoyable eventually, especially if you discipline yourself to relax.

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Being alone with God is essential in the spiritual journey. We can’t actually be that spiritual without it. It takes practise. It takes discipline. But, once you begin to see the benefits in having time alone, you might not need to make comparisons with others, and you might not see others’ issues as such high priorities to change.

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The biggest thing you will gain however is this: God will give you the power to be ‘free to be you,’ with its associated benefits including self-acceptance and self-empowerment.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] The actual quote is, “no matter how much you surround yourself with people, at the end of the day you are cosmically alone.” – Alan Dodge. It was a quote his mother always called him to. (Also quoted in the article: Loneliness: Practice Detachment and Master It, Online reference: Wickham, Steve. (2008, January 06). Loneliness - Practice Detachment and Master It. EzineArticles. Retrieved February 01, 2008, from http://ezinearticles.com/?Loneliness---Practice-Detachment-and-Master-It&id=912912)
[2] Things important to me, are things I am responsible for; the things I believe God holds me accountable for. Other than these things directly, I may not need to be concerned or intervene in.
[3] Job 1:21a (TNIV)

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Empowering People In Safety—Making It More Than A Priority

OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY is about saving lives and ensuring quality of life—how many people suffer workplace injuries needlessly? There’s another problem in how often safety is used by employers and unions, and people in general, as a vehicle to highlight other unrelated issues of importance, particularly industrial issues.

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What’s the most important thing in safety? Is it reducing costs of injuries? No, that’s the wrong focus. Is it people conforming to a set of rules? Is it about the altruistic notion of ‘saving lives’ as previously mentioned? What’s the real purpose of safety?

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A lot of people talk about it and it seems easy, yet there is a world of work and much time to be invested in achieving the magical safety culture; it just isn’t that easy to make safety work. One of the world’s foremost experts on the psychology of safety is E. Scott Geller. He teamed up with a renowned convert to safety, burns victim Charlie Morecraft, to produce “Docker meets Doctor,” and discuss the keys of actually making safety “more than a priority.”

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Safety is about empowerment. It’s about ensuring we all take responsibility for safety, every single one of us; by fixing things as they crop up—by taking the individual responsibility and ownership for the problem. This is difficult, as it requires effort and motivation, particularly in the absence of a reward for the responsible behaviour. When we can do things without reward, we are well on the way to having resilient attitudes and ownership for safety.

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It’s about more people with a “what can I do to make a difference?” mindset. The higher number of people that say this, the higher likelihood there is of a critical mass “birthing” a safety culture change based on the actively caring model. Geller is astounded when management “only get excited about safety when someone gets hurt.” On top of this, safety is spoken too often in negative terms. This is not good psychology—people are much more attuned to shooting for success than avoiding failure. Geller says we need “success-seeking” attitudes to succeed in safety management.

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Behavioural safety has somewhat metamorphosed over the past few years from pure focus on people’s behaviour, to a slightly gentler and truer approach of “people-based” safety. It includes a combined approach of person-based safety and behaviour-based safety. It is more holistic and representative of the reality of the working dynamic, and particularly of the people within it.

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Morecraft has a different, though no less effective, approach when compared with Geller. His story shakes everyone; a person who lost basically everything to a horrific injury; job, livelihood, health, and family… the list goes on. He says “There’s no rocket science about safety—it’s all about families!” Geller follows him with a scary story of his own, the discovery of everyday cancer that shocked him into a fresh “reality.” He relates that “we are more scared of getting cancer than we are of having an occupational accident.” He said the irony of it was the social support he got from having cancer—this sort of support is almost unheard of when someone suffers a serious injury at work.

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Morecraft travels around the world preaching the safety message, talking to casualties of serious burn injuries. This gets him down because of the plain truth; the casualty is not going to be alright—there lives change forever for the worse. He is sick of being “in hell” with these people, but he knows the reality is they need him, and they need hope. The frustrating thing is how can he give them hope when in reality there is little there?

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If there’s a face to a safety problem, there is likely to be an emotional response and this helps. The reason for the emotional response to September 11 in their view was simply that there was a “face” to the tragedy. Why is it that there isn’t more outrage over the 40,000 that die on US roads each year, or the countless thousands who suicide? They feel that is simply because there’s no face to the road toll and no face to the silent person in utter torment, who simply can’t exist for a single moment longer, ending it all.

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We have to get back to the ‘people element’ if safety is going to be held higher than simply a priority that can be “re-prioritised.” Safety must become a value; as values don’t change. There is no rocket science to safety, just some basic and solid principles around using the emotions and creating efficacy (the “I can do this / it will work” attitude) within the minds of those who’re most affected—workers. Managers and senior executives are keys to this change.

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Safety is not rocket science—it’s simply about people. The real purpose of safety is empowering people to make change. They want to be safe—their lives and livelihoods and families depend on it!

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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Acknowledgement to Dr. E. Scott Geller and Charlie Morecraft and their vision for the safety of people all around the world.

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The Glass Is Half Full And You Can’t Be Disappointed

Have you ever felt that sinking feeling when surreptitiously expected the best in a situation only to actually see the worst come of it? You optimistically foresaw a better result, but it didn’t come about, and you were disappointed, in fact, shattered. Or, what about the opposite situation; you thought nothing of the possibility of a particular outcome only to be incredibly surprised and awestruck by how it turned out?

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Optimism and pessimism: Two such polar attitudes—at their extremes, both as false as the other. As Rudyard Kipling quite rightly pointed out in his poem, “If”… “If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, And treat those two impostors just the same,” ‘then, my son, you’ll be a man.’

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It seems that our attitude towards optimism and pessimism is crucial to the moulding of our characters. We know implicitly that to be optimistic is better, but somehow we find it hard to expect more than we ‘deserve,’ or we don’t want to get our hopes up, and have them dashed on the rocks of life. I mean, how many times has this happened in your life? In mine, plenty!

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How do we live our lives like this? Positive, negative. The glass is half full, no it is half empty. Is there a time for both? The writer of Ecclesiastes[1] would have us think so… “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…”

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Is there a time for optimism and a time for pessimism? Or is it a case of finding a better way, a way that fits most or more seasons of life—a more appropriate and balanced response to life, generally.

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For mine, I think one can’t go past being pessimistically optimistic. This is an attitude that fits most situations. Perhaps it’s an approach where neither positive or negative hold sway, but balance is available. It is circumspect, yet thankful. It can see the worst, yet hope for the best. It can’t be disappointed, but it can be pleasantly surprised. It’s thankful for ‘what is.’

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I like to think of this as being able to see the worst, actually envisioning it, and importantly accepting it before it comes, yet being able to not lose hope of something more positive coming. This takes quite a bit of courage of course as you stand open to the torrent of emotion that comes with any of this, particularly when discussing it on the major life issue scale.

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I like to think it is the hopeful ‘good place’ of real utopia; the spiritual, mental and emotional place to be. It is calmly and humbly watchful and able to enjoy things for what they are. It is neither too happy nor too sad; it is the ideal of truth in response to life—a journey often cruel.

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Will you take the challenge and stand the rich reward of boldly expecting little but hoping for much? And, can you encourage others to enter it; this serene sense of head and heart connection?

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Ecclesiastes 3:4.

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Humility: How It Brings Lasting Joy To Family

WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY will fly in the face of what most of the people on this planet believe, but is true: the only way to complete, lasting and fulfilling joy is through loving others, and focussing on them as opposed to being selfish, and getting things ‘our own way.’ This is a spiritual truism upon which millions have found transcendence—the pinnacle of human existence.

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When we seek for our own, things that rightly should not be ours, we can wreak havoc in the lives of those close to us. I watched a movie recently that illustrates the point well. “Ǽ fond kiss…” is a titled after a Robert Burns poem “Ae fond kiss, and then we'll sever...”

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The plot of the movie involves a Muslim Glaswegian man (Casim) of Pakistani decent and an Irish-born music teacher (Roisin). They fall in love with each other. However, Casim is arranged to marry in 2-months and the relationship that’s drenched in passion hits rocky ground. Throughout the movie, many people’s lives, cultural traditions and family relationships are wrecked through Casim and Roisin’s unequally yoked relationship. Casim’s parents would never accept a “goree” (a white girl) and he knows it, apart from the fact that breaking the iminent marriage casts disgrace on the family name within the close Islamic family community.

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As the story progresses and the lovers fall further into trouble; lies and deception rule them more and more, from Roisin having to duck down in the car as they drive past Casim’s cousin’s shop, to going on holiday together with no-one else’s knowledge—this is ironically when Casim first tells Roisin he’s set to be married in nine weeks.

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Meanwhile, Casim’s family-faithful father, Tariq, is busy building extensions to the family home to accommodate Casim and his wife-to-be, cousin Jasmine. He offers his son everything in the home he can afford. What also compounds the problem for the family is both of Casim’s sisters have their own issues; the younger is quite determined not to become a doctor as her parent’s desire, but to leave Glasgow and study journalism at Edinburgh. Her acceptance to university there is met with disdain, and in the light of all these issues it breaks the father completely. He sees everything he values at jeopardy.

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The view of Roisin is predictable. She is almost justifiably very miffed at the prospect of being ‘dropped’ for Casim’s cousin and fights for him, further placing pressure on the massively tenuous issue—she has no grip on the gravity of the situation and can think only of herself. Casim wants what he wants and the rest is history. It’s a familial disaster zone! It’s a clash of cultures with the West crushing the East, morally.

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It made me cringe to think that one foolish encounter of love (or “lust”) made so many lives an absolute misery—this included ‘the happy couple.’ This sort of thing crushes lives today, as the generation of today (and yesterday) might take it on themselves to ‘fight for their freedom.’ What freedom? Freedom at the expense of those who love and sacrifice much for them! This sort of freedom comes at such a high and lasting cost, but those in the midst of the problem, the Casim’s and the Roisin’s, just don’t see it. The cost is high—relationships made in blood are forever changed and marred. Whole families are destroyed spiritually. The cost is lasting; once the deed is done it can never be put back right. The damage is done. It’s a real life tragedy that happens every day many times over throughout the world, and this is just the example of culture-clash.

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Countless relationships of potential and those involving children are smashed every day, because of selfishness and the sin of lust. Ae fond kiss, and then we'll sever... is frought with danger. One foolish moment, followed up with selfish pride to not want to deal with the pain of the problem, sees not only two lives wrecked but a whole family. This is the plain opposite to the real meaning of “joy.”

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In returning to the original “plot” of this story, joy is the result of true humility, which could be described as selflessness. I love the way the apostle Paul puts it:

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“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests [alone] but each of you to the interests of the others.”[1]

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Whether Christian or not, the truth is the same. If you gain anything from love, make sure you give something back. The essence of joy is in the focus—not on ourselves, but a shift to others. Had Casim thought of this prior to becoming involved with Roisin, he could have had a respectful approach with her, and left it at that, knowing the potential harm that was before them both if implicated together. Joy in this light is one of being in control of one’s self and to not have to deal with the guilt of destroying familial relationships. The “true obstacle of unity is... self-centeredness,”[2] and wanting one’s own way in isolation to others’ needs. Self-centeredness in this way is therefore weak; it is without resolve. The ‘unity in community’ is a truth that nobody can get away from. Pay homage to this truth and you can achieve joy—neglect it to you and your community’s demise.

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The quote above effectively says, ‘if we are loved (by family) then we should love them back; being prepared to love back even a little more.’ We’re called to do something as a result of the love we’re given, which if not through Christ, then it is through the love of family and their sacrifices for us. In the light of this we have to be wary and protective of what and who we love, being prepared to make the same sorts of sacrifices for our family members as they have done for us. It’s only fair and just.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] This passage is from Paul’s letter to the Philippians, chapter 2 verses 1-4 (TNIV).
[2] M. Silva, Philippians, Baker Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament, 2nd eds (Baker Academic, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1992, 2005), p. 87.

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Loose lips sink privilege

WE LIVE IN A WORLD of “all or nothing” at times, don’t we? For instance, the legal world operates this way around the subject of legal professional privilege (LPP)—the right to seek legal opinion to protect information, and the advice sought. But, there's a catch...

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Give a little away, and you give the lot away.

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The problem is LPP can be waived. This ‘privilege’ can, in other words, be given up. Waiving LPP by disclosing information (even only a little information) is quite a foolish business or personal practice, and is often only recognised in hindsight.

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To illustrate the matter, the Australian Wheat Board (AWB), in its dealings in Iraq, appears to have made important information, which could have been subject to LPP at a later date, available for subpoena by the Federal Court; all because it divulged the ‘gist’ of its findings and advice to the Commonwealth Government and the Independent Inquiry Committee of the United Nations (IIC) after commissioning its own internal inquiry into the scandal in 2003.[1]

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Contrary to the many who might think the law is an ass, it seems to me that the law is a complex system set up on the ‘rules’ of wisdom, rules that can often appear invisible until it is “too late”--without the crucial benefit of 20/20 hindsight.

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The core of the matter seems to be around comments made relating to courses of action that may or may not be taken from the legal advice that is given. Commenting that a particular course of action is taken because of advice would threaten LPP; the protection of the information. The general message is, “The less said, the better LPP is protected.” Government personnel seeking legal advice are often referred to the State Solicitor’s Office, so LPP can be protected. It is almost a case of “‘getting advice’ before getting advice.”

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In the biblical wisdom of Proverbs, King Solomon is attributed for saying words to the effect, “All who act prudently protect knowledge, but fools expose their folly.”[2]

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Further again, Proverbs 14:8a says, “The Wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways.” And at risk of overstating the point, we find written again in Proverbs 12:23,“The prudent keep their knowledge to themselves, but a fool’s heart blurts out folly.”[3]

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The central message seems to be that we can act in one of two ways[4] when it comes to knowledge. We can either act in consideration of known factors, and more importantly, in consideration of possible unknown factors, or we can simply exercise some level of blind (bad) faith, which implicitly is not qualified in knowledge[5] but may be supported in some other level of ‘truth’—for instance, one’s (often) skewed perception. This would be risky, and by definition, “foolish.” This behaviour is the direct opposite of diligence. In legal terms, we cannot afford anything else but a complete commitment to diligence.

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Giving ‘thought to one’s ways’ implies a humble honesty[6] and a healthy guarding, and respect, of the truth, or at least one’s view of the truth i.e. perception. In other words, it is acknowledging that one’s perception is often skewed, even slightly. In response, it is prudent to give thought to one’s ways—not doing so is dangerous. Accounting for a skewed perception, wise advisers are crucial i.e. advice.

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Perhaps the illustration of LPP is really about having foresight of potential consequences; of future outcomes. Isn’t foresight inherent in wisdom?

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So, what is the general message here for us? We might not all be in the position to need or require LPP in our daily affairs, however, we will often assert a particular position out of a lack of prudence, and that can have damaging consequences within a familial or business context. We must learn to respect knowledge and the power of information, guarding truth tightly and thereby protecting relationships and therefore life.

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Perhaps one further Proverb would be an appropriate place to finish:“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”[7]

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] R. King, “Loose lips sink privilege” in Government Risk Management (Vol. 8, Iss. 15, August 2007) p. 8-9.

[2] See Proverbs 13:16 in the Today’s New International Version. The actual rendering in the TNIV is, “All who are prudent act with knowledge…”
[3] Both 14:8a and 12:23 are from the TNIV.

[4] Refer to P.E. Koptak, NIV Application Commentary: Proverbs (Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2003), 343, 360, 375.

[5] The distinction here is “knowledge” means something that is actually true.

[6] Koptak again, 340-43.

[7] Proverbs 22:3 TNIV.

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The skill of anticipation – the way of the diligent

ANTICIPATION is one of the most important skills to teach young people—people of any age for that matter. It is a function of diligence, and the process of “foreseeing” the direct future. It’s so vital at the task level—when assisting with / affecting a procedure. There is little worse in the performance of work than to have someone assist you and their mind is not “on the job.”

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Anticipation was one thing that I learned during my apprenticeship years as a young man that has stood me in such fantastic stead, looking back now. In truth, the journey that began those years ago eventually took me years to master, much to the chagrin of the tradespeople I trained with. They weren’t always the most patient people, and like many young people, I suffered performance anxiety, got nervous and frequently made mistakes. There were of course many times when I was too lazy to employ this technique, each time probably to my ruination. Even now, there are times when laziness again gets in the way and my complacent-at-times mind gets me into trouble, and I suppose that is human nature. I remember when I eventually did start to master it, it was such a confidence booster; suddenly I was able to be of real value in all my relationships.

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There are two types of anticipation: planned and response. Both are critical to any performance. For example, professional sportspeople think strategically and tactically in their plan to succeed before a match. They analyse their opponent as well as their own game, and come up with a plan to achieve victory. But at some point, during the performance, all that planning is only so good as long as there is the ability to adapt the plan to actual situation, thereby responding to changes to conditions, mood and temperament etc. This is the demonstration of operational thinking, or the ability to ‘captain’ the ship and modify plans “in the moment.”

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The effective execution of any event or procedure requires sufficient planning and monitoring. There’s no substitute for getting the right people together and having a discussion, or series of discussions, and coming to sound decisions, where milestones are decided and roles are reinforced. This is good planning anticipation. It’s about asking “what could go wrong here?” and coming up with answers to reduce the risks that have been thought of and foreseen.

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Regarding response, focus and concentration in the moment are essential in anticipation; the person has to be on-the-job mentally, and daydreaming is not tolerable. If attention drifts even for a second or two, the outcome is potentially compromised. In the team context, you can also fail to anticipate if you’re too focussed on what “I’m” doing, a result of being too insular.

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Anticipation is crucial in event management. Actually foreseeing things before or as they occur is such a good risk management skill, as there are less delays and it adds hugely to the professionalism. It’s such a refreshing thing as an onlooker or spectator to appreciate good anticipation when you see it.

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An activity in anticipation:
Planned Anticipation
- Who needs to be involved in the planning? Who are the key decision-makers?
- What is the purpose and goal of the event or procedure?
- What could go wrong?

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Response Anticipation
- Identify the need for pre-start and re-start meetings, marshalling focus.
- If it is individual response that is required, develop techniques for mastering focus and concentration.
- For the team situation, don’t be too focussed on your own performance; leave some of your focus on the overall team performance.

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There’s quite a bit of spirituality involved in anticipation. A “planning” mindset comes from hope—when we view things positively, and there’s hope of a good result, we can begin to anticipate them; we enjoy anticipating things as we endeavour to maximise and capitalise on our capability, and perfect our performance, doing the best we can. It’s that winning feeling.

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Above all, anticipation is a sign of diligence and the mastery of discipline over self, both in the moment and on reflection of the planning that’s gone into the performance.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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We Must Transcend The Things That Hold Us

These words of Rubin “Hurricane” Carter’s, in the motion picture of the true story, “The Hurricane” (1999) are etched in golden truth for anyone who’s had a real life battle of the titans and won. It’s like the summation of the movie in one short statement; how a fighter who had dealt with massive injustice all his life had to deal with it big time, to break a tortuous 20-year incarceration—the fight for his freedom against a system of inherent and rampant corruption.

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The part of “The Hurricane” when Carter (played brilliantly by Denzel Washington) says “We must transcend the things that hold us,” is particularly poignant. Facing incredible odds to fight the system, whilst simultaneously maintaining his sanity, Carter was faced with making such a resolve—it was crucial for his survival. It required a commitment to himself; a commitment to flip his world upside down in order to stay in the game. He begun to work and study at night, and sleep during the day—anything really, to remain sane and strong. There’s a key lesson here. It’s one of protection. It is about protecting the relatively clean spirit that exists within each one of us, guarding it against corruption. Carter identified it. He identified it and then put a plan into place and executed it. That takes courage and discipline, or put together, faith and diligence.

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So what holds people? And, how do people transcend these things? The key learning and inspiration here is this: there are many things, people and situations (things + people) that will make their most ardent attempt to ‘hold us’ in this life. It’s a hard fact of life. This is because many people and things want control over us. This is not love-based.

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To make this clear, a ‘hold’ is anything or any relationship that doesn’t or can’t stand up to truth; and anything that corrupts or potentially corrupts. This includes anything downright sinful, relationships that will never be a blessing, or anything that has a negative hold and doesn’t have a good reason for a person to continue with—taking into account the many things that might appear to ‘hold us,’ but in fact are actually good for us—these are not subject to this discussion. For instance, the job we must hold, or the critical mentoring relationship that is ‘difficult,’ but beneficial. We must contend with these things and endure them, until it is the right time to leave, and “move on.”

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Anything that you know implicitly is truth, will not seek to hold you. Eugene Peterson wrote of the 1 Corinthians 13 in The Message paraphrase, Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. The only exception to this is when ‘the hold’ gives you life, for instance, when someone is trying to escape a hold, perhaps an addiction. At these times, in these situations, it is critical to stick with it because the hold is actually because of love; often known as “tough love.” It is at these times and places in life when people need to be humble and accept what is good for them and their future. So, this wisdom is not about ‘healthy holds,’ which could better be referred to as ‘bonds.’
This wisdom is a call to address co-dependent style relationships[1] whether they be personal (in the form of habits, addictions etc), with another person (classical co-dependence), or organisational (for instance, within a workplace, club, or religious setting including sects, church fellowship, mosque etc).

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A hold is like a veneer finish. One of our challenges is not only to see through the hold, but also to be able to break through this veneer, because holds are truly just that, veneer. Truth stands, but falsity crumbles once the veneer is broken through. One of the most important roles in life is to be able to recognise falsity and deal with it courageously by breaking through its veneer. Veneer is facade, appearance, the surface of the matter only. Truth is a foil for all sorts of lies in life; we must see through, and past the veneer, to gain ‘life.’ It’s about learning to dig deeper into such a matter so as to reveal the truth. The truth stands challenges and tests.

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Again, these matters (the things that hold us) are from things or people or situations (things + people). Once it has been recognised the thing/people/situation has a negative hold on us, there has to be a plan to break free. To do this properly at times requires guidance from those that actually love us and we can truly trust.

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We must break the cycle of dependency and this can be likened to an insect breaking the surface tension of water; a mosquito lands on it—it doesn’t have the weight or ability to break through the surface of the water; weight is needed to get through it. To break through the veneer of a co-dependent relationship requires strength and power; not physical strength and power, but mental, emotional, and spiritual strength and power. There must be a persistence to break the hold in unhealthy relationships.

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This can take months and in some cases years, and requires eternal vigilance.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] A "co-dependent" can be loosely defined as someone who shows too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "co-dependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The "co-dependent" party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependence

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Achieving a Fulfilling life: Three Essentials

ONE OF MY FAVORITE AUTHORS, Os Guinness, says in his book Time for Truth[1]

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“To have a fulfilling life, three essentials are required: a clear sense of personal identity, a deep sense of faith and meaning, and a strong sense of purpose and mission.”[2]
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If there’s one thing we all want it is a fulfilling life. Let’s take a journey and discover what this means.

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Guinness uses the story of Primo Levi,[3] an Auschwitz survivor, to illustrate the importance of all three aspects of this hypothesis toward a fulfilling life. Levi was driven to preach the lessons of the Nazi regime so it would never happen again, giving millions a sense of purpose out of the tragedy, and ensuring the human cost and legacy would never be forgotten. Yet the appearance of inner strength was transitory for Levi, who eventually had the same tragic end to his life as countless numbers of colleagues—he suicided.

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He had journaled only weeks prior to his death that he had no answer to the riddles of life. A life that offered so much hope and purpose to so many crippled from the crimes of World War II was suddenly thwarted, absolutely. Even though he suicided, his memory, and what he stood for, should endure.

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Notwithstanding this, Guinness uses Levi’s story to highlight the critical weakness in his modus operandi. He simply “lacked any sense of faith and meaning with which to interpret and handle his harrowing experience.”[4] (Italics added for emphasis.) Without a solid schema to base his life on, his “strength” became untenable.

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It highlights that whilst one might have two of the three qualities all sewn up, if the one missing is a real weakness, it will inevitably stand in opposition to the achievement of a fulfilling life. And this is how it is for people without some sense of firm spirituality, and good faith (for there are plenty of “bad” faiths out there). Bad faith could be described as a theorem lacking the fundamental plausibility of truth. This is how it was for Levi. A “dark combination of Auschwitz and atheism” eventually confounded him.[5] He had no way of comprehending the more unbelievable and horrific experiences of life he’d witnessed in terms he could understand, and therefore live with. A sense of faith could have given him that.

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Many recognise the need to live for truth, but some of the smartest ironically fall for a lie; feeling they have to create the truth and not simply discover it. Guinness calls us to consider Nietzsche, Camus, Sinatra, and ultimately, Levi[6]—all of whom, whilst brilliant men, could not accept basic spiritual truth. Without truth there is no strength.

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Yet, there’s the other two to consider: personal identity, and purpose and meaning. Imagine having a deep sense of faith and meaning, and still have only a vague sense of self or an insufficient sense of purpose in life. We need to focus on all three if we truly desire happiness, contentment, and fulfilment.

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Establishing and being comfortable with our personal identity is a process that requires courage and honesty. There is no other way. Likewise, finding a sense of purpose and meaning requires much soul-searching. In this day and age it can be more a case of needing to focus on one thing and one thing only, as we can be caught up in a multitude of foci. We should continue searching until we feel positively and sustainably gripped in the mission that captures our imagination. There’s at least one for every person.

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I am suggesting the importance of self-reflection and the commitment to take on the following activity.

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The Activity:
Clear sense of personal identity
- What are your values?
- What defines “you”?
- Do you know your personality type? What are your preferences and competencies?
- How well do you know yourself? What are your fears?

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Deep sense of faith and meaning
- What/Who do you believe in?
- Is it truth? Can it stand up to scholarly examination?
- What is it that provides your ‘hope’?

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Strong sense of purpose and mission
- What drives and motivates you?
- What is your purpose in life?
- What would you give your life for?
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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Guinness, Os. (2000) Time for Truth: Living free in a world of lies, hype & spin (Baker Book House Company, Grand Rapids, Michigan) 128 pages. This book is packed full of truth and swipes on postmodernism. Another brilliant offering from Guinness is “The Call,” Finding and fulfilling the central purpose of your life (2003) by Word Publishing Group, Nashville, Tennessee.
[2] Guinness, Ibid., p. 71.
[3] More general information is freely available, for instance: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primo_Levi
[4] Guinness, Ibid., p. 72.
[5] Guinness, Ibid., p. 72.
[6] Guinness, Ibid., p. 74.

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