“Times, Yes, They're A Changin’”

IT HITS. You are suddenly feeling all at sea with a change in your life and how it is presently affecting you; you simply can’t explain it, and for all your planning you certainly couldn’t have foreseen it was going to have this effect on you. It’s an emotional effect. It’s the effect of shaking you up in an almost unexplainable way. You struggle to discern the type and depth of emotion. You’re angry, confused, upset, and quiet all at the same time. For this day at least, you struggle with the bewilderment of life. How does everyone else seem to understand this life and yet (at least at present) you don’t? You hope it will be better tomorrow.

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You’ve actually been hit with an ordinary happening. It happens to us all many times in our lives. It’s the grieving process. It is the process of change catching up with us; it’s a reality check. It’s okay for most of us – we adjust, but it takes time. It might be tomorrow, next week, or next month, but we will adjust eventually.

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This just happened to me just now. Speechless in my emotion and awkward in my outward behaviour... this was my reaction to a critical family house move that threatens to change things permanently. I was at a loss to explain why I felt the way I felt. Words at times fail and don’t do justice to what the spirit within experiences. I wondered the effect on others in my family at this time. Some would respond better, and some would respond worse, though it’s a deeply personal experience, and no one is likely to ever know. That in itself is sad!

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The dynamics are changing. Times, yes, they’re a changin’! There’s nothing anyone can do about this change except simply accept it and wait for the process of time to alleviate the sense of discomfort, dis-ease, and in the worst cases, the pain – and wait for it to subside.

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Only today I saw a lady give a testimony in a church service where they could see God’s good hand in the death of a son, not a predicted death, but a tragic death. It was harrowing to think what these two women (mother and grandmother) were presently going through – the grieving and change processes were at an extreme for this family. Change no one ever wants to go through.

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The grief that comes with change is a horrible feeling. But that’s not where it ends. It’s only the beginning of a brilliant new reality that we cannot yet see. Soon we’ll be adjusting to ‘what is,’ now. And inevitably we will have adjusted. We have so much to gain from simply having the faith to trust. Trust that all will be well. It will work out. We’ll see.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

When Is It Right To Complain?

If I think of one behaviour that epitomises the ultimate in character development it is withholding the need to complain. It is a full sense of grace pervading all life circumstances and relationships. It is the issuance of favour especially when it is undeserved. The ultimate of the ultimate is almost inconceivable: that one might never complain. How hard would that be?!

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Is this ideology realistic? The Apostle Paul certainly thought it was. He mentions in Philippians 2:14, “Do everything without complaining...” This is so we can be ‘blameless and pure... children of God.’ I wonder if sorting people out who are doing the wrong thing is ‘complaining.’ Like if there’s the need for that righteous form of anger, indignation.

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Practically speaking, there is a lot of sense in not complaining, especially over circumstances beyond our control. Most of life, and even the smaller things within it, are beyond our control. As the Serenity Prayer goes, ‘God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.’ To have serenity means we must accept things and that means not complaining, doesn’t it? This certainly applies to most things.

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I can think of some examples of times when it is right to complain. One example is if you’re living with someone, whether it is a wife or husband, a boarder, or other partner. When living space is shared, best the complaints come freely and in the right spirit; in love with truth. It’s also best that they be received in the same spirit. One of the worst things is to let the issue fester by not discussing it. On the other hand it is crucial to the relationship that it’s dealt with sensitively and correctly. This is a skill and an art form all its own – I’m certainly no expert! But I would like to become better at it.

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What we also must consider is ‘what war to wage.’ What issues are critically important and what issues can we leave alone? What are the ‘over my dead body’ matters which require immediate attention and lasting results? We can’t complain about everything or we’ll likely deserve the ‘whinger’ tag.

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We also need to take into account the personal psychological and emotional effect of the complaint. Will it ‘spoil our day’ to complain? We need to be able to complain without it then becoming the focus of our day. We need to be able to move on.

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Foci for ‘efficient’ and effective complaint:

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1. Frame the complaint as it affects objectives. If there are objectives for the relationship or situation and they’re not being achieved, there needs to a discussion about how to address the problems and find solutions that both parties can live with.

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2. State the complaint once and ensure you’ve been heard. There’s nothing worse in this sort of situation than dealing with a ‘harper’ – someone who ‘harps’ on about something. Say it enough to be understood, ideally just once. We need to seek assurance that the other party has heard us. This is where reflective listening or paraphrasing are good skills for both parties to have.

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3. Keep the complaint ‘issue-focussed’ and never attack the person. This is easier to achieve in an occupational situation than it is in a marital situation. Always keep your emotions in check and try to keep a balanced viewpoint for both parties’ sake.

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4. Design a process for the complaint. You might want to think about the likely outcome(s) before you make your complaint, and then ensure you have a method for dealing with each outcome. How will you escalate the issue if it isn’t resolved? At what result is your ‘walk away point,’ and when will you be happy to consider it ‘resolved’?

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Everyone has complaints. It’s about knowing how to make them. It’s respectfully challenging the status quo in a loving or assertive way (which simply caters for both parties’ needs) that makes the difference. To complain in the appropriate way takes courage. Courage to seek the best solutions for both parties, and a vision for a better tomorrow.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Getting That Promotion: What Compromises Are You Making? Please Consider The Narrow Way

Isn’t it weird to think no matter how much we think on the meaning to life, we still can’t quite work it out? We know the things that don’t satisfy and for most of us it’s almost all of our experience of life; things that don’t satisfy. The things that are supposed to be satisfying and fulfilling simply don’t cut it, or are just plain hard work. We can’t see the sense in them half the time.

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As people, we’re constantly trying new and different things to find the key to success and happiness; we often think that we’ll achieve it if we climb the corporate ladder or make the higher sports team or get friendly with a certain ‘click.’ We keep searching in the hope of satisfying ourselves and others who might rely on us. It’s innate.

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Some get to a point of trying so hard to do this they burn out. They push beyond their reasonable ‘safe load limit,’ selling out on sleep and eating properly and exercise, all in order to meet unreasonable expectations and flawed goals. They get trapped by their commitments knowing all along the castle that is their lives could crumble and fall at any time. It’s folly and unsustainable behaviour.

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There has to be a better way. But the better way appears so elusive. How do others get the balance right? How do others balance family responsibilities with work, with leisure, and personal development? And there are more demands – this is simply the start. How do others pay their exorbitant mortgage, and feel free at the same time?

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I don’t claim to know the answers, but what I do know it this: Life is about finding the ‘narrow way.’ It’s about finding the right balance. Being the ‘narrow way’ implies it is not easy to live. Finding balance is also not easy, and it was never actually meant to be easy. But it is attainable. It has to be! There must be a way to achieve reasonably whilst attaining life balance. It takes a continual commitment to live a courageous and disciplined life.

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The most famous and most influential person to have ever walked the earth highlighted the “two ways of life”:

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“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road is easy that leads to destruction, and there are many who take it. For the gate is narrow and the road is hard that leads to life, and there are few that find it.”[1]

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This person, Jesus, succinctly gave us the paradox of life, which is also the way to life: if you want to come first, choose last. It is the choice to give by serving, over taking and ‘being served.’

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The point at which the narrow and wide ways intersect harkens us to a decision. How are we going to live our lives? Will we simply live as the mood takes us? Or are we living deliberately and to a plan – a method of living that requires daily vigilance and maintenance, a method where there is accountability for personal growth through the lifespan? Will we be predominantly a ‘giver’ or a ‘taker’ in life?

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The wide gate and the road that is easy is the one most take in life; it’s not the right way, but still most take it. The way most do not go is life through the narrow gate and the road that’s hard. This involves loneliness, suffering, and courage, but reveals life that God predestined for us to have. This is the spiritual life. There are not even very many Christians or people professing other faiths who live this life genuinely. It’s about a life of continual repentance or a turning back to God.

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Okay, so how does this fit with your life? This is how it could work:

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There is often a price we pay for promotion, for instance. For many promotions there is a requirement to put in more hours, and more responsibility is assumed. There might be less family time—and you will never get that time back. It depends what you’re called to and what legacy you wish to leave behind that was your life.

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There is often a price we pay for the people we associate with, and the time we spend. Some people are good for us and some aren’t. Some activities we engage in are good and some are bad.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a better legacy to leave behind than that of a special, loving, and committed husband and father, and secondarily a good worker. But most of all I think I would like to be remembered as someone who actually got the balance of priorities in life right, most if not all his life.

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To conclude, what separates us from the next nice and courteous person? It is a daily commitment to this ‘narrow way’ that provides life. Real life that few really experience. Why would you not want to experience it?

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Perhaps Justin Langer puts the ‘narrow way’ best in his book Seeing the Sunrise:

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It takes discipline and courage to look a man in the eyes rather than at his feet.
It takes discipline and courage to train when it is wet and cold.
It takes discipline and courage to tell the truth rather than lie.
It takes discipline and courage to keep focused on your dreams.
It takes discipline and courage to master the basics.
It takes discipline and courage to practise under pressure.
It takes discipline and courage to get out of bed early.
It takes discipline and courage to keep running when you are spent.
It takes discipline and courage to do the little things
It takes discipline and courage to watch your manners.
It takes discipline and courage to do an extra lap.
It takes discipline and courage to trust yourself.
It takes discipline and courage to guard against complacency.
It takes discipline and courage to be honest with yourself.
It takes discipline and courage to be the first on the training track.
It takes discipline and courage to choose right over wrong.
It takes discipline and courage to be on time.
It takes discipline and courage to fight back rather than quit.
It takes discipline and courage to stick to your game plan.
It takes discipline and courage to lead by example.
It takes discipline and courage to listen and learn.
It takes discipline and courage to say no.
It takes discipline and courage to make it to the top.[2]

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Not everyone wants to be a successful athlete like Justin Langer, but his recipe for success is just as applicable for any field of pursuit. Be a successful human being by making a choice for the ‘narrow way.’

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© 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Matthew 7:13-14 (NRSV).
[2] Langer, J.L. Seeing the Sunrise, (Sydney: Allen & Unwin, 2008), p. 80.

10 Best Quotes To Direct Your Life

These would be in my opinion among the best and most influential wisdom quotes:

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1. “To communicate, put your thoughts in order; give them a purpose; use them to persuade, to instruct, to discover, to seduce.”

-William Safire.

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• Have you ever struggled to get your message across? This simple quote is about two doing things and bearing in mind four motivations to make your communication powerful and effective. It requires planning, prudence, and savvy to employ this. It’s acknowledging that communication is also about marketing strategy.

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2. “Life is for most of us a continuous process of getting used to things we hadn’t expected.”

-Martha Lupton.

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• We often get what we don’t expect. As humans we can’t use our perception to predict everything that’s coming at us. But this reminds me of the ‘opportunity’ in the unexpected. Stephen Covey once said words to the effect, ‘To ignore the unexpected (even if that were possible) would be to live without opportunity, spontaneity, and the rich moments of which “life” is made.’ Of course, Helen Keller also said, ‘Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.’

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3. “People who know how to employ themselves, always find leisure moments, while those who do nothing are always in a hurry.”

-Jeanne-Marie Roland.

• What an irony this one is. If one is in the practice of organising themselves for work, they’ll invariably be able to organise themselves for play.
• Perhaps there is something here also for the procrastinator in each of us?

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4. “If you preach excellence but walk mediocrity, you are nothing more than a common liar.”

-Old Maxim used by Justin Langer.

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• We must endeavour to do what we say. This one is most relevant for anyone in leadership, whether that’s in a home as a parent, at work as a manager, or on a sports field. It’s about credibility and integrity. It’s about doing the difficult things well and experiencing the pain ‘with your team.’

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5. “It is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterward.”

-Baltasar Gracian.

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• I’ve fallen for this one often enough to cringe. It’s about the wisdom of restraint in knowing when to delay an action that will bring pain, embarrassment, and regret. The prudent person employs this.

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6. “Sometimes we have to be silent to be heard.”

-Stanislaw J. Lee.

• I often wonder when I’m in a small group if anyone is being heard. I mean, how often are there just the flurry of voices and no one’s hearing anyone else. There’s too much of it in this day and age.
• This saying is also a communication tool. At times silence speaks louder than words.

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7. “The great enemy of clear language is insincerity.”

-George Orwell.

• How often do people communicate and don’t think of what they’re saying. It’s just words. There’s no plan, no structure, and no way of being understood. It is harder to be understood than most think. It requires great skill.
• The key to this saying however is courage. Cowardice will win over in our speaking if we let it; for instance, we’ll flatter when we should be honestly rebuking a person. We need to have the courage to speak the truth, but do so in a loving manner. This is no easy task. It requires skill and most of all the right heart.

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8. “Accept whatever befalls you, and in times of humiliation be patient. For gold is tested in the fire, and those found acceptable, in the furnace of humiliation.”

-Sirach’s Ecclesiasticus 2:4-5.

• To learn and improve there’s the easy way and there’s the hard way. We need both ways. This saying speaks about the hard way. It is no less useful than the easy way, which is learning willingly.

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9. “Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations.”

-Edward De Bono.

• Let’s be realistic in life. But, for those who are ambitious this is not bad, just something to understand why they’ll be unhappy. For some, being unhappy is a good thing because they constantly drive themselves toward continual improvement in their chosen field of excellence.
• For those who simply want to be happy, be more realistic.

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10. “If we would please in society, we must be prepared to be taught many things we know already by people who do not know them.”

-Sebastien Roch Nicolas Chamfort.

• How often have you made it to a high level of competence in something and then had someone quite ignorant of the fact go into great deal to “teach” you it? It happens all the time. It takes grace and humility to accept the lesson, and you never know what new insight you might get.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

The Gap Between Saying and Doing

I am often perplexed at how often I still fail at the basic things. These are things I say I’m going to do but yet still I cannot do consistently. Like the day before yesterday I spent the whole day trying to work out solutions to the two areas of my life that I still fail in; serving cheerfully through what feels like constant interruptions at work, and being more tolerant in certain situations around the home. As I analyse my life, I find my other roles and other parts of my roles going really well, yet I’ve stumbled too consistently in these two areas of late.

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The Message tells me that [something] “within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.”[1] (Reader: Do you relate to this in areas of your life?)

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It’s coming time for push to come to shove. I need to change. Do you ever feel this way? I’m not sure this will work but I’m trying it anyway. This is a public declaration in the desperation to finally get it right.

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I’m thinking while I’m at it, that if I experience this, then possibly you do to. Does this reading above resonate with you like it did me? Are you unable to change something in your life that exasperates you? Don’t give up. Keep trying, and keep trying new and innovative ways; something will work for you eventually, just like I know it will for me!

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My present method is this: I need to have a focused mind and a disciplined heart, and be prepared to meditate daily on the standard responses to both these issues and fix them at the ‘cause,’ not the symptom end. The problem’s with me and my response. Why am I unhappy with these things? Some of the reading I’ve done suggests that it could be due to problems with my “subjective well-being.”[2] This is an elaborate way of saying I’m unhappy with things that are in any event outside of my control. When things are beyond your control it’s somewhat impractical and illogical to get concerned about them. Yet, that’s my problem. That’s what must change. My perception of the problem; I need to accept I cannot change everything.

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My challenge is to develop mental processes to focus my mind and discipline my heart. To focus my mind, I need to control my thoughts in the moment. To discipline my heart I need to resist the temptation to stubbornness and self-pity, pure and simple.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Romans 7:18-20 (Msg).
[2] See Parrott, L & L., Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS), (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1995, 2006), p. 66.

Worry is Madness

Worry is madness and haste is not living in the moment. It’s all so preventable, but we are so prone to it. We need quiet each day and we need to be happy in every moment; not blissfully happy, just “content” happy. We need to centralise our lives in our values, roles, and goals. This is one way to focus on the things we can influence positively.

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Fear is behind worry. Haste is due to fear and it’s living in either the past or the future; certainly not the present. The purpose of fear is to teach us about ourselves – fear does not want to conquer us. We must meet fear head on. Fear presents us with opportunities to learn. We have to approach the cusp of fear and go over it. Only then will it disappear into oblivion. It no longer matters. We need to have the courage to find a strategy to release the fear.

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We must defeat fear by accepting the strain of the situation. Oswald Chambers has said we’re hilarious when we’re crushed with difficulties because most of these situations are ludicrously impossible to anyone by God. When we’re bold and accept the difficulty and we’re prepared to overcome it we have mighty spiritual forces suddenly coming to our aid. Even though we are so predisposed to complain we must stop, jettisoning the typical excuses we so often weaken for. Accepting the tension and strain of the situation gleefully is the tonic to all difficulty.

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One solution is living in the present moment. This is putting all or our energy into the moment, one-moment-at-a-time. We also need to be propelled in life by a purpose or a dream that gives us something to focus on that is positive; to counter the worrying thoughts that might otherwise cloud the mind. The mind is the key. We need to use the power of our minds to bring discipline, peace, and shape to our souls. We need to wary of the mind’s power to control our mental, emotional, and spiritual equilibriums. Poor self-talk and a loose mind will wreak havoc. As the Chinese proverb says, “Control your emotion or it will control you.”

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Bad thinking might not bite you right now, but it will eventually have its consequences. Positive thinking is the same; think good thoughts and eventually you’ll attract the right sort of things, the things that are good that you want.

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Don’t worry. Don’t fret. It only leads to negative consequences. It proves that you’re not living in the moment. You see, living in the present moment means you cannot worry effectively.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Acknowledgement to Justin Langer’s, Seeing the Sunrise book; Allen & Unwin, Sydney, 2008.

Life Meaningless?

The Teacher of the Jewish Assembly, Qoheleth, used to say "Life is meaningless, utterly meaningless!" One of the wisest sages ever, he found the meaning of life through much despairing. With access to all of what life could offer materially speaking, he was certainly qualified to advise. We don't have access to such riches, but we do have his legacy to learn from and apply.

Strolling down a shopping mall recently I heard a group of three buskers playing and singing. As I approached and passed these musicians I heard one of them say to the others, "Not a very receptive bunch today, are they?" I got to thinking. It's a pretty thankless sort of job, busking. You could add this to say, telemarketing. There are many jobs which are thankless, dire, and unsatisfactory.

'Life's not fair, is it?' The opening line in The Lion King is so true. We have these inbuilt dreams - we are born to dream of the things we want, yet how many of us achieve it? We tend to gravitate toward goals that are largely unattainable. And even if we do achieve the lofty goal, it doesn't seem worth it most of the time.

Wisdom is no stroll in the park. It's about accepting the pain of reality. "With much wisdom comes much sorrow," Qoheleth tells us. You can build things and you can count things; you can achieve everything under the sun, and it still won't get you anywhere. You still have life to live. Living is such a paradox; not many really want to die but life is drudgery, plain and simple. You can work and love your work but work won't make you happy. Nothing can make you happy in the long term. You still have to come back to the truth that we're not supposed to be easily pleased. That's life.

Is Work Good or Bad?

We tend to always vacillate between laziness and exhaustion in life. We either want to 'kick back' or take on the world. We get a kick up the behind, or we get burned out! There's no happy, middle ground where we'd be happy simply working and resting and playing appropriately. Qoheleth puts it succinctly: "The fool folds his hands and ruins himself. Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind."[1] One handful is patience enough not to be too greedy. It's prepared to wait cheerfully. This person has an attitude of not needing to work as a way of feeling good or competing with someone else. With the attitude of competition, there's envy or ambition that drives the "diligence" of this 'two-handed' work. The Greek word zlos or zealous is used, meaning strong affection or to aspire eagerly after, and this indicates motives to work are far from pure. We need to decide to work free of other reasons. It is simply good, and it's a "gift of God," to work.[2] It is clear that we're to rejoice in our work, that it's our "lot" and our "portion." It's a secret to happiness.[3]

Is Life Really Vanity, Folly and Meaninglessness?

Many things in life simply are a waste of time. They might seem satisfying but the satisfaction is fleeting. Most of life could be described this way. It is an irony of life that the satisfaction that lasts is from nothing we can see. Spirituality is the only way to real and lasting satisfaction. Nothing materially will keep us happy for long. It's the love we feel for a family member that we can't see and can only feel that is eternal. So, most of life is vanity, folly, and ultimately meaningless.

The Septuagint[4] has the word mataiots meaning vanity or folly.[5] The Hebrew equivalent term used is hebel which means, vanity, emptiness, something transitory, and ultimately unsatisfactory. It means 'religious error' and is ethically inferior. It is ultimately foolishness to engage in vanity, whatever it might be. This theme "is on the constant horizon of Qoheleth's thought."[6]

There are various meanings for this word in various contexts throughout Ecclesiastes. For example, there is a specific example of it meaning "senselessness."[7] Paul uses the word mataiots and it is translated also as "frustration" in the NIV and TNIV.[8] So, whatever is meaningless is also frustrating - it's to be diligently avoided. It's a trap.

Wisdom is more powerful and influential than riches. Quiet words of wisdom are to be heeded in preference to the "shouts of a ruler of fools,"[9] but such a small pinch of folly will spoil what potential brilliance wisdom can create. It contaminates the situation making it useless.

Advancement in Life

There's no point in (career) advancement for advancement's sake. It only makes sense if it is part of your calling, part of your passion. How many rich and famous people have spent their entire lives striving for "the dream life" only to find out too late, they missed the point entirely? You could look at the numerous that go off the rails and either lose everything, become mentally ill, or have familial turmoil. What did they get for their goals? - Discontent and pain.

The truth is "time and chance"[10] and things of luck are available to all whether good or bad, wise or foolish, learned or ignorant, strong or weak, rich or poor. We can be trapped where we are at any time, no matter who we are or what we've done, so it's always good to expect the unexpected.

It's also important to know the same fate waits for us all - we all die, whether we've lived wisely or foolishly.[11] Does this mean we have a resignation for 'the way things are' and live a sort of hopelessness that doesn't seek for advancement, at least as far as learning wisdom goes? No, we should advance our learning, but it needs to be motivated by other things than purely advancement. There are a myriad of potential reasons to desire the learning of wisdom, like being equipped to avoid trouble, having healthy relationships, and keeping to a generally straight path, to say nothing of a healthy and inspirational legacy the wise person can leave behind after their death. How are we to be remembered in life? What did our lives stand for? As the Proverbs indicate, "The name of the righteous is used in blessings, but the name of the wicked will rot."[12] We could view this as a legacy to encourage us toward wisdom; true advancement.

Speaking the Truth

It's important to speak the truth as it maintains peace. If you make a promise, keep it, Qoheleth says. None of us realise how much in awe of God we really should be. What we say and do we'll have to answer for; every loose and lying word. Taking the good with the bad and being able to thank God for both is a key to reality living. Good things happen to us and so do bad things. Why should we then curse the bad?

Moreover, why get concerned when others say things about us? We know that we too have cursed others. It's rarely personal. It's not done to mortally wound; just simply a fact of life that our hearts are crooked and depraved and seek for "juicy" words to feed upon, both in speaking and listening. The challenge is to allow ourselves to be taught not to speak of others (or hear of others) in a defaming sort of way, and importantly to not practice the thinking that leads to vitriolic speech. We know how it feels to be hurt by others so why would we allow ourselves to continue doing it unchallenged? What goes around comes around. What we give has a funny way of returning to us.

We need to be painstakingly careful not to transgress people within our minds. As the passage says, "Do not revile the king even in your thoughts, or curse the rich in your bedroom, because a bird of the air may carry your words, and a bird on the wing may report what you say."[13] How often do we say things aloud, in the privacy of our own homes and yet the neighbour knows only too well "how" we live, and what we stand for. We can compare this with what we know (or think) of regarding our own neighbours. There's not that much privacy in life.

People often fall for the trap of cursing today thinking yesterday were so much better. Those on the search for wisdom don't ask such perilous and simultaneously redundant questions. What difference do such assertions make? It doesn't benefit anyone speaking such non-truth when what lies beneath is simply anger or frustration over present challenges. It would be better to deal with the issue at hand, and not waste one's breath and energy. It is perhaps best to revert to Ecclesiastes directly: "In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider that God has made the one side by side with the other, so that man may not find out anything that shall be after him."[14] It's not for us to wonder about things that are none of our business. Why would we want to go down the path of misery voluntarily? It might not seem to be the likely outcome, but it invariably is! Those who complain hurt themselves.

Temperament, Worry and Health

How do you handle a tenuous situation? Thomas Jefferson would say to "remain cool and unruffled" no matter the circumstances.[15] This is where resilience and standing reliably firm is so important. Ecclesiastes tells us clearly that the anxiety of worry is again, meaningless. It brings in with it Jesus' teaching[16] about not worrying about tomorrow; that today has enough for us to be occupied with.

In the particular context of youth, it is amazing how many people spend their 'hard earned' on cosmetics to make them age supposedly more gracefully. God must wonder, "They lose their health to make money... and then lose their money to restore their health."[17] It's folly.

We know these days the effect anxiety has on our physical health, not to mention the concerns we might have about physical ailments and our diminishing ability to 'keep up' with younger ones as we grow older. We're counselled to disregard this form of worry.

Anxiety, worry and fear can make us do funny things. We act impulsively, send that email or act in the mood of the moment with little regard for the actual consequences. It's especially an issue for email as we can send them 'broadcast' and only later wish we'd 'recalled' it sooner! I heard of a manager who did this recently - he sent an end of year email congratulating his staff on their efforts, yet made some inflammatory comments about the company's management practices and he was soon 'clearing his office.'

Psalm 37 is quite targeted in highlighting the effects of worry, when the unrighteous get their way and as a result we become envious. Verse 8 in particular is pointed saying in effect: don't fret; it leads only to evil and wrongdoing. In other words, you can only harm yourself, others, and ultimately the situation if you worry, fret, and stress. We need to constantly reflect on this so it can take root in our lives. Any time we 'panic' over everyday life situations we blow our chance at giving our best. No matter what happens we must strive to remain under control and not fret. Worry, fretting, and stress consume excess energy.

Fear of the LORD

This concept is put forth as the major goal of life in Ecclesiastes; to fear God and keep his commandments.[18] In this way it follows other key Hebrew (and Christian) Scripture to a tee. Deuteronomy, Psalms, Proverbs, and Job suggest that to fear God is the basis of not only wisdom, but life.[19] It is this paradox that comes to the fore: fear God and we need fear nothing else. Do the right and fair and just thing, and we stay on a 'straight path' toward eternal living, that is both now, and also in the life to come.

This life of fearing God is nothing about drudgery; it is not burdensome; it is freedom to drink from the 'fountain of life,' which is to experience everything under the sun, within the reasonable bounds God has provided. It is only those with open eyes, ears, and ultimately an open heart who can receive such a message. God wants us to fear him for our own God, not his. We ignore this instruction to our peril. "Life, whether it be play or work, is subject to current and final reviews by God."[20]

For Love or Money

If you amass riches someone else will get it once you're dead and they'll probably squander it. It may be pessimistic but it's true. Naked we come, naked we go. Whoever loves their money will never have enough - and this is insanity. Why would you go after riches when there is "dis-ease" there? One can have only so many "toys." The more you have the more you can tend to worry about. 'Is my such-and-such safe... are my so-forth's alright?' It can create worry, anxiety, stress, and anger when your property is violated. It complicates life. If you're wise you won't fall for such folly. Wisdom is a far better goal than money. Both are a "shelter" but only wisdom "preserves the life of its possessor."[21]

This is what Dionysius the Great said of the possession of wisdom:

"Being minded, therefore, to show what kinds of possessions remain with the possessor, and continue steadily and maintain themselves for him, he adds: 'Also my wisdom remained with me.' For this alone remains, and all these other things, which he has already reckoned up, flee away and depart. Wisdom, therefore, remained with me, and I remained in virtue of it."[22]

This section juxtaposes the benefits of wisdom in warding off folly and madness, that this heavenly wisdom is truly a gift of God. And it's available to all. After all, does not Wisdom cry out aloud for all to hear?[23] Yet how many do not answer? Ignorance begets a tendency toward mental instability. We know that a lack of love can cause mental illness, so why would not a lack of wisdom also set up the 'ecosystem' where folly and madness might germinate and thrive?[24]

We're told in wisdom literature that consistency is the key. As my mother used to say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." We can't chop and change regarding righteousness and worldliness and expect only "good" results.

A Time and A Way to Do Everything

It is of real comfort to us to know that there is a proper time and a proper way to do all things - there is a solution to every situation and problem. When we're requested to do something by a "kingly" figure we should comply with the request willingly and have the faith to know 'there is a way.' For our buskers from the beginning of the article there is a way to receive the support they required; perhaps it was just the wrong day they played or perhaps it was the wrong choice of location to play?

Given that there is a "right" way and time in every situation perhaps it's about choosing our attitude, in the moment. This is Emotional Intelligence (EI). The moment we're able to 'deduce' the exact emotional and mental response to an interpersonal or intrapersonal situation is the instant we demonstrate EI competence. This is the ability to reflect in-the-moment to change our approach or response as we do it, and not afterwards when the mistake has already been made. When we are EI competent there are less 'sorry's' because we adjusted prior to hurting someone. It is only through the use of EI competence and strategies that we can truly, consistently, and respectfully serve our fellows. For times when we are confused or don't know the right response, we need to learn how to delay, cope with, and/or shift focus and emphasis.

Wisdom's and Life's Ironies

More is often less and less is often more in this life, as the paradoxes and ironies perplex even the wisest of human beings. Our appetites can never be satisfied. Our desires need to be disciplined or they get us into trouble.

Life is short, fleeting in fact. We think we're here for ever. It's an illusion, time. Be careful, it's going quicker than you think, and a terrific irony is we wish it were over at times. How we'd rue that if it came to pass (our death) in that moment. Be grateful.

It's better and safer to find yourself in the house of mourning than that of laughter or feasting. It's better to be told off than be lied to about 'how good you are.' Wisdom living is not about personal comfort; it's about truth and reality. It's always better to finish strongly than to start well and then end poorly. We should consider wisdom an inheritance. We need to supply it to our loved ones and charge them with doing the same, carrying the message through the ages.

Nothing is New

Besides new technology, nothing is new; we only re-badge what's already been discovered. We may think we're creating something unique but it's all been done before, only in a different way with different people, in a different environment. There's nothing wrong with re-badging. We just shouldn't get too caught up in anything we're doing - it's not "ours." It's someone else's and always has been, and always will be. Don't hold on to things, ideas, concepts, visions. The treat is knowing something personally - that he (God) shared it with you in such an intimate way.

The ultimate thing that is not new is "vanity." This is to say "no single part of God's good world can unlock the meaning to life. Life, in and of itself, is unable to supply the key to the questions of identity, meaning, purpose, value, enjoyment, and destiny. Only in coming to know God can one begin to find answers to these questions."[25] [Italics added for emphasis.]

Wisdom and Foolishness

Patience is superior to pride, and a tranquil spirit is for the wise. The trouble with anger is dissipation. We lose our cool and then have a heap of residual feelings and effects to deal with. The release of this type of energy is never controlled; it's never perfect. There's always fall-out.

There's a process involved in the development of foolishness. "Wickedness is folly and ... foolishness is madness."[26] It's a downward spiral toward relative insanity. The corrective is penitence; a turning from the wicked way. To discover that our hearts are the basis of the problem is freedom. At least from this viewpoint we can prevent "becoming the fool" with an act of courage to turn from the sin, provided we're at aware of this tendency toward iniquity.

One such inherent folly is to be seduced sexually. The Scriptures always discuss the young man being 'ensnared' by the adulteress, but there are cultural relevancies for both genders. I can only imagine what it is like for a more carnal man; we're all challenged by sexual appetites and desires, be they mere physical attraction or more. The wisdom approach is to run very fast the other way; it is active avoidance of any questionable contact with someone who might lead us astray. We are to maintain a straight path with God.

Righteousness is rare, perhaps one in one thousand, as the writer contends, and it is clear that we all have gone in search of many (devious) schemes. Jesus followed this sentiment in saying, "This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil."[27] The irony is it's only when we admit this that we're open to receiving help. We disregard it to our peril. Too many "good" people think they're beyond this simple fact in their own experience. The truth is we are never beyond this; not one of us.

Furthermore, those who're engaged in sin will be trapped "in" it and those who 'lord it over' others inevitably also hurt themselves.[28] Think of any action we might take to defend ourselves or go after another for an offense committed against us. The moment we even conceive a response in the violence of anger, is the moment the brain releases chemicals into our bloodstream that are not good, especially if that is the predominant response in us. In other words, we hurt our own health when we react in anger.

To illustrate, say we're on the roadway and someone cuts us off unintentionally; it's an honest mistake. For some reason we're suddenly ropable and furious within. We've had a long, arduous day and not much has gone right, and now this 'buffoon' has shown the height of incompetence! Suddenly, we're after them. The moment we left a state of psychological homeostasis is the moment of birth of perhaps a physical action based in the violence of anger. There is such a quick, momentary transition from feeling, to thought, to action. A millisecond elapses. Thought inevitably leads to action. There is wisdom in delaying this foolish thinking, and ultimately it's wise to train ourselves away from these quick responses.

Diligence

We could be forgiven for thinking the life message according to Qoheleth is to 'eat and drink and make your soul enjoy good of its labor, for it is a gift of God.' It is after all, the refrain that's repeated no less than six times.[29] A simple message perhaps, but one that carries quite a punch; simply work and rest, and enjoy both!

To cast our bread upon the waters is to 'have a go' at life, and not be a spectator.[30] If we bow out too often in life, we'll risk missing out altogether. Bowing out is an action driven by fear. When the time has come for a thing to happen, it will happen and there is nothing that can be done other than simply prepare for it - preparation is diligence. "Luck is where opportunity meets preparation," as Denzel Washington said. Because of the uncertainty of life, we should be doubly motivated in our preparedness. Not knowing is no excuse, and throwing our hands in the air in resignation is never going to be helpful. We can't hope to know everything, and a humble acceptance that life will be as it is, is the best plan. "Be prepared," as Baden-Powell would say.

Conclusion

Throughout this text of Ecclesiastes there is at times thought that goes from one side or one extreme to the other. For instance, the day of death is said to be better than the day of birth, yet "anyone who is among the living has hope-even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!"[31] Both conditions of thought are relevant and both apply. This is a fundamental perplexion of life. Both fit, albeit situationally. God favours the living it is said. It couldn't be any better said than this then, could it?

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun-all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom."[32]

The last sentence tells us that there is no choice where we're going. Life is finished. We best do what we wish, for ourselves and others, while we can; work, plan, acquire knowledge and wisdom, and do it now.

Perhaps another outcome to seek after is to be grateful. This person "seldom reflects on the days of their lives, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart."[33] Normally we think of reflection as a good, positive activity. But we are apt to reflect on what we don't have, and what is missing in our lives so much more. To be cheerfully happy and content in the moment must be the chief goal of life.

Wisdom is a breath of fresh air bringing light to the face and gait to the step. We are freer, and ultimately more able, more responsive, and more willing to serve, and we get even more life from it, which again leads to more growth and opportunities at wisdom. It's an upward spiral. It is tremendously freeing that we can gain so much wisdom, and yet know we still can't know everything. We can know many things, but there are fewer things that we can truly comprehend.[34] This is good, because it releases us from perfection.

Ecclesiastes has its share of hyperbole, but it makes eternally salient points at every turn. It's not a good idea to dream too much. It's always a better idea to not want too much. It's better by far to stay in reality. We must surely know the end of these things - we will be judged. It is a special thing to know this and yet not be hindered by it. We are free, yet judgment will come. Accept it and move on.

It all ends as it starts and starts as it ends - that's life. Is life meaningless? Yes, of course it is. And this is precisely why God is so important. For without God life is truly meaningless; with him however, life is abundant, rich, and flowing with grace. Of all the people who insist on a 'claim to know God' but in reality never quite draw on the reality of his truth, Ecclesiastes is the enduring message. "The need is as great for many believers who are held in cultural captivity as it is for unbelievers, who likewise swim in the eddies [currents or whirlpools] of our day and pursue pagan solutions to the questions of life and truth."[35] God is the secret to life.

Perhaps there is an irony regarding our buskers we started with in the beginning of this essay. Are they perhaps the happiest of the lot? Is this the life?

© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

ENDNOTES:
[1] Ecclesiastes 4:5-6.
[2] See Ecclesiastes 3:13. It's to "see good in [their] labour" which uses the Greek word mochthos, meaning wearisome labour, toil, travail. This is a "gift (Gk) doma of God".
[3] See Ecclesiastes 3:22. The second word (and context for) work, in its actual setting is: "to rejoice" (Gk) euphranthsetai "in work" is (Gk) poima.
[4] The Septuagint is the Greek version of the Old Testament Scriptures; it's a great accompaniment to the Hebrew Scriptures (Masoretic Text) as it is quite different in a number of areas.
[5] See for instance, Ecclesiastes 2:23 for the use of this term.
[6] Roland E. Murphy, Ecclesiastes: Word Biblical Commentary - 23B, eds. D.A. Hubbard, G.W. Baker, and J.D.W. Watts, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1992), p. 117.
[7] Walter C. Kaiser, Jr. Ecclesiastes: Total Life, (Chicago: Moody Bible Institute, 1979), p. 48.
[8] See Romans 8:20. "For the creation was subjected to frustration." In other translations, for instance, it is "futility" (NASB and NKJV) and "God's curse" in the NLT.
[9] Ecclesiastes 9:17-18 (NIV).
[10] See Ecclesiastes 9:11-12f.
[11] Ecclesiastes 2:15-16.
[12] Proverbs 10:7 (TNIV), observation from Dionysius the Great. See footnote in reference to Ecclesiastes 2:9b.
[13] Ecclesiastes 10:20 (NIV).
[14] Ecclesiastes 7:14 (Amplified).
[15] The full quote is, "Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain cool and unruffled under all circumstances." Refer to Ecclesiastes 10:4.
[16] See Matthew 6:25-34 which also reminds us of Ecclesiastes 11:10. Both speak encourage an acceptance of things beyond our control.
[17] Westerman, M., The Interview With God, (La Jolla: Get Inspired Now! Inc., 2003), pp. 11-12.
[18] See Ecclesiastes 12:13b.
[19] See Deuteronomy 4:10, 5:29 etc as indicated in Walter C. Kaiser, Jr. Ibid., p. 33-4; see also Job 28:28 ('The fear of the Lord-that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.'); dozens of Psalms including 34:11 (Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD); and, see also Proverbs 1:7; 2:5; 3:7; 8:13; 9:10; 10:27; 14:2, 16, 26, 27; 15:16, 33; 16:6; 19:23; 22:4; 23:17; 24:21; 28:14; 31:30, with 29:25 also showing what the opposite does i.e. fear of humankind proves to be a snare.
[20] Walter C. Kaiser, Jr. Ibid., p. 39.
[21] Ecclesiastes 7:12 (NIV).
[22] In reference to Ecclesiastes 2:9b see ANF06. Fathers of the Third Century: Gregory Thaumaturgus, Dionysius the Great, Julius Africanus, Anatolius, and Minor Writers, Methodius, Arn. Available online at: http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/anf06.iv.iv.i.ii.html
[23] See Proverbs 8:1-11 for Wisdom's appeal to the simple and foolish alike.
[24] See Ecclesiastes 2:12 (TNIV).
[25] Walter C. Kaiser, Jr. Ibid., p. 17.
[26] Ecclesiastes 7:25b (NIV).
[27] John 3:19 (NIV).
[28] See for instance Ecclesiastes 8:8b.
[29] Walter C. Kaiser, Jr. Ibid., p. 17.
[30] Refer to Ecclesiastes 11:1-6.
[31] Ecclesiastes 9:4 (NIV).
[32] Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 (NIV).
[33] Ecclesiastes 5:20 (TNIV).
[34] Ecclesiastes 8:16-17.
[35] Walter C. Kaiser, Jr. Ibid., p. 9.

My Reflections on Breakfast with Justin Langer

Justin Langer wrote Sir Donald Bradman a letter on the 15th of August 1994 seeking ‘the Don’s’ advice and he got a reply only two days later. The letter said in words to the effect: ‘You flatter me, an old octogenarian when you ask my advice... young man, follow your instincts and don’t be a slave to coaching.’ Justin was in awe of the Don’s humility and has sought to emulate that quality ever since.

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As a youth, Justin was strongly encouraged to go to university as it was the ‘safe option’ but after a year at it he realised it wasn’t for him. He decided to ‘follow his heart’ and go to England when he was 18; the rest is history. He joked that it was only about two years ago his mum stopped telling him to ‘get a real job.’ With both mum and dad there for the launch of his book, Seeing the Sunrise, it was clear family is his greatest joy.

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Justin admitted that he was “so nervous” speaking to us – more nervous than before a Test! No matter how many times he does this it never gets easier.

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An old story emerged early in his talk – one that was so richly illustrated it was marvellous for every male in the packed function centre – as he gave us a rare glimpse of what it was like approaching and playing in his first Test against the West Indies in January 1993.

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This is how the story goes:

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Justin hadn’t picked up a bat in two weeks, which for him was nothing short of amazing as there’s not normally a day goes past without him hitting cricket balls or ‘shadowing.’

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Eggs were boiling on the stove when the phone rings; it’s Tony Mann, the WACA Coach saying, ‘you’ve been selected to play for Australia, tomorrow.’ His mother (who’s no body builder) picked him up in glee, and his father (who’s no wimp) got a lump in his throat – strange reactions indeed! He ran upstairs to grab his bat and quickly seconded brother Jonathon to throw him twenty balls before flying out to Adelaide an hour later.

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He arrives at the hotel in Adelaide and meets fellow players he’s in awe of: there is Merv Hughes, Allan Border, Ian Healy, Steve and Mark Waugh, and others. He goes up to his room and on the bed is a large, long cardboard box with ‘JUSTIN LANGER – AUSTRALIAN TEST CRICKETER’ emblazoned over it. He opens the box and finds all sorts of ‘presents’ in there; shirts, jumpers, cricket gear, sunnies, cash, etc. The most prized object though is the baggy green Australian Test cap. It was like Christmas! The next day he’s walking alone onto the Adelaide Oval and he gets a tap on the shoulder; it’s the Australian captain, Allan Border who says, ‘how’s things JL?’, to which Langer replies, ‘No worries, AB,’ thrilled to be calling ‘the king’ by his nickname. He slept soundly that night what with his baggy green and bat in his bed with him.

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The next day: Day one of the Test. The West Indies won the toss and batted but were all out before stumps, leaving 40 minutes of play remaining; a nightmare proposition. Langer remembers sitting in the player’s rooms putting his right pad strap on, and the West Indies going up in appeal: Taylor OUT! He’s all of a sudden frantically strapping on pads, box, etc and walking out to play. It’s like one of those dreams when you wake up without clothes on!

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Out in the middle now, and about to face Ian Bishop, and he’s immediately mindful of the chatter. Keith Arthurton is saying, ‘Kill him, Bishy.’ Silly Mid On fielder, Desmond Haynes can smell fear and says, ‘He’s scared, Bishy.’ All Langer sees is stick figures as the wicketkeeper and slips fielders are so far back and Bishop stands with the shiny red cherry almost back at the BankWest Tower!

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His first ball missed his nose by a hair as the kookaburra laughed on its way past. The second ball cannoned into his helmet, splitting it and his head also, to which batting partner David Boon said on approach, ‘there’s no heroes in Test cricket, son; retire hurt.’ Langer didn’t – he continued. The next morning Boon is hit square on the point of the elbow and Langer, going to Boon’s aid, mentions the same thing, tongue-in-cheek. To his surprise, Boon walked off, retired hurt!

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Justin told us that in the fabric of his baggy green cap is his life story. Each cap that preceded the baggy green, the yellow State cap, the black and gold Scarborough grade cap, and the red Warwick juniors cap were all ‘equally as important.’ One could not be gained before the other.

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One day whilst leaving a grade cricket ground with fellow teammate Darin Ramshaw, Langer noticed a fit figure of a man hope out of a black sports car. It was South Australian AFL legend, Craig Bradley. ‘He gets fit during the week and plays footy on the weekends,’ said Ramshaw at Langer’s enquiry. Justin decided that day that not only did he want to get fit during the week and play cricket professionally, but he also wanted a symbol – the black sports car – the symbol of success much like a cross is for a Christian.

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To be successful, Justin told us, requires us to pay the price. There are three ways the successful pay the price:

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- first, they’re the subject of envy of others;

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- second, there are plenty of disappointments, BUT, ‘The pain of discipline is nothing like the pain of disappointment;

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- thirdly, hard work that is hopefully worth it – like all the sacrifices his parents made running him to games, practise etc.

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When Justin learned of Chris Mainwaring’s death only a day after they trained together for their upcoming exhibition bout, he saw the sick and fickle irony – the ‘fickleness of life.’

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He finishes every day the same way; writing in his journal. Each entry commences with the same line: “I’m the luckiest person in the world.” He recited the “One day at a time” poem for us as a key message of life. There are two rest days in every week. They are yesterday and tomorrow. We don’t need to worry about them.

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When asked about his preparation, Justin, mentioned it was his key. He said, ‘You never mess with a good recipe.’ His recipe for the past few years has been to 1) be happy and in a relaxed frame of mind when batting; 2) to be focussed on the ball; 3) to be well prepared having done all the hard work with the results looking after themselves; and 4) be decisive.

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Having “earned respect” from teammates and opponents alike, Justin bowed out of the game. He attributes his martial arts to much of his success. KIME – loose body and tight mind – is the basis of his philosophy.

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His honesty and depth of character are something to behold. It produces in me a sort of ‘nice envy’; it’s almost like I wish I were him. He’s a legend. What an absolute treat it was to be there, shake hands, and have his book signed personally; I asked for him to contribute a Bible verse, and Justin scribbled down for me, ‘God doesn’t give us the spirit of fear, but of love, strength, and a sound mind.’ (2 Timothy 1:7) He also volunteered Romans 5 and Philippians 4:13 saying “these ones are good too.”

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Stay In Control Of Your Communication: When to Initiate, When to Respond

Have you ever regretted starting a conversation or writing an email, or answering someone, and thought afterwards you shouldn’t have done it that way? I know I have. Many times I’ve rued the fact that I’d ‘put my foot in it,’ or simply should have known better. The truth is we all do it. It’s initiating and responding in communication with others at the wrong times and in the wrong ways.

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This principle is about protecting accessibility. For your own peace of mind and heart you need to protect your accessibility. It’s essential in your struggle for self-empowerment. Self-empowerment is always a struggle because there are so many competing forces for your time. The competing forces are life priorities, the needs of others, and tasks you might need to do. We all need to protect our accessibility to be able to effectively reflect and plan. Without reflection and planning we are never at our best, and this is not only a bad result for ourselves, but it’s also a bad result for others – everyone misses out on the best we can offer.

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I’ve found the best times to initiate communication is clearly when I’ve had time to plan the way (the process) and time to think and cater for people’s responses, which are the consequences of the action. This has left me with a quiet confidence that the communication won’t hurt anyone; in fact, that it might just help, and be appropriate for the time and the needs of others.

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I try not initiate communication when I’m pressed for time, as this has the effect of disempowering me. I just can’t think well. Too much time pressure means I cannot think of ‘the way’ or people’s responses adequately. If I have too much on, and try to do still even more, that’s when people get hurt through my communication as I simply can’t foresee needs and risks as I normally could if I had more time. This is essentially about “communication risk management.” For this reason, we should only initiate one thing at a time, or do things in staged or planned ways. The key reason is we’re talking about people. We need to be gentle and considerate with people, don’t we?

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Responding to communication is not really any different from initiating apart from the fact that we can’t actually control when they’ll come to us. We need to be sensitive first of all, as some people approach us thinking we’re busy already and that already they’ve become an intrusion to us. They can’t leave with that perception. They need to know that we’re approachable. So what happens if we have someone that pesters us, and interrupts us all the time?! We need a specific plan for this type of person; for instance, when they call, let it go through to message bank. Nullify the interruption. In fact, there should be times when you let all calls (other than emergencies) go through to message back. There should be times when you dedicate your time to what FranklinCovey call “Quadrant II” time; time for planning, thinking, and ‘important, but not yet urgent’ work. This is very productive time. It’s our most satisfying work. Sometimes if you don’t get back to a person, you will actually give them the impetus to solve the problem innovatively, or some other way (without you), and this can be empowering for them.

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Knowing about when to respond is an art. It typically requires courage to say “no.” This is not a put off or a rebuff for the person attempting to communicate with you; it is simply holding a red flag as to the timing of their communication. Some issues however cannot ever be avoided. Emergencies and urgent “Quadrant I” activities must be tackled there and then. The key is to minimise the amount of these tasks. No one can ever live at peace and protect their accessibility if they’re continually hounded with Quadrant One’s.

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If you get the opportunity, and you generally do with email and voicemail, don’t respond until you’ve had some time to think peacefully about “the what” of the response, and “how” to respond. Ask yourself, “What’s the wise thing to do?” Take time and muse over drafts; think about your audience... emails often go to “all” or to many people at a time. Don’t press the “send” button until you’ve adequately reflected about the likely effect of the communication on each category of person in the “To” and “CC” lists.

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It all comes down to time and planning. Allow yourself the time to think and to foresee problems you might cause in your communication. Also, if it involves conflict, you have time then to ‘minimise the heat of return fire’ if you’ve given the person (and the communications) time to cool down. It’s great when you’ve played your good part in defusing a situation.

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There is so much blessing involved in communicating this way; the biggest blessing of all though, is that you can stay in control, you protect your accessibility, and you stay empowered; both for yourself and for others.

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Be wise in knowing when to initiate and when to respond.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

The Bucket List: A Faith Review of the Motion Picture (2007)

FIND THE JOY in your life is the inspirational by-line to the movie, The Bucket List. This movie has obvious faith overtones and is a message for all. It challenges the “walls” that people might put up in resistance to acquiring faith because it ponders the meaning to life that none of us can shirk off.

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When two men from vastly different worlds are shocked into the reality of facing their imminent deaths, they share a common view of life, and a bond develops as they meet in hospital sharing the same room.

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There are sweet and sour ironies all throughout the film demonstrating that of anyone, God often has the last laugh; though it’s never really ever at our expense. To begin with, Edward Cole (Nicholson), who frequently quotes: “I run hospitals, not health spas; two beds to a room, no exceptions,” is aghast to find his terminal illness has confined him to a hospital room with another person. This ends up being a huge blessing to Cole; often we’re surprised to find things we thought we’d hate, come to love us back as we least expected.

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The movie’s sub-plot is about faith; it’s plumbs the meaning to life in the context of how it’s spent. Life is fleeting. Carters says, “Forty-five years goes by pretty fast,” only to hear Cole answer, “Like smoke through a keyhole.” Another famous writer puts it this way: “You won't be young forever. Youth [life in fact] lasts about as long as smoke.”[1] We only have so long to reconcile to life and become at peace with it, before it all vanishes. It’s only when we ‘become at peace’ with life that we can really begin to draw joy from it.

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Cole says poignantly, “I envy people who have faith, I just can’t get my head around it.” Chambers' (Freeman) comeback is something special: “Maybe your head’s in the way?” Most people with a faith problem can’t see that it is within themselves that the problem lies. The head’s in the way of the heart. It is only with a willingness to let this stumbling block mentality go, that there is any chance for “salvation.” It’s the source, means, and cause of the preservation or deliverance of your life. Many people cannot work out that salvation is not just about heaven and the afterlife; it’s as much about life in this life as anything else. We’re saved from living life without God when we’re saved and when we practice faith.

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In Chambers’ letter to Cole he tells him: “My pastor always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life, Edward. My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home.” Freeman’s character is such a boon for Cole. He opens him up to the meaning to life; which is to simply have an open heart. The open heart receives. It receives all that God intended for it. When Cole died [as Freeman narrates] “His eyes were closed but his heart was open.” He was saved.

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These two unlikely friends enjoyed a bond at the butt-end of their lives that they’d perhaps never experienced with any other person. Fleeting as it was, it was (meaning ‘it actually happened’). It was an experience that changed and transformed the spirituality of both men as attested by Cole’s eulogy at Chambers’ funeral: “The last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life... And he knew it before I did.” What a fantastic legacy to leave in a fellow human being’s life!

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Perhaps one of the most enduring messages of this piece is about time; how quickly life fades. As one reviewer put it, in the words of Oscar Wilde in The Picture of Dorian Gray: “The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.”[2] It would be true to say that no one is ready to die, least of all the young. But death must come to all, eventually. Before it comes, however, we need to strive to find the joy in our life. Find God.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Eugene Peterson’s The Message Paraphrase of biblical Ecclesiastes 11:10.

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[2] Excerpt from: http://imdb.com/title/tt0825232/

What’s In A Name? Gaining Respect And Achieving Relationship Influence

When meeting people for the first time I’ve begun to notice how often they’ll introduce themselves as a particular variety of their name. For instance, a man named William could conceivably be called Bill, Billy, Will or Willy. There are five variations just there, and that’s not accounting for nicknames. In this situation they’ll propose (in a variety of ways; overt and covert) their actual preference for being called the name they just used. They’re keen to see us use it in reply.

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I had a situation happen to me recently – in fact these things happen to each of us all the time in reality – I received a call from a guy I would normally call “Mick,” yet he immediately introduced himself as “Mike.” Having not had a personal discussion with him in a many months, if not a year or two, I noted that something had changed. His preferred name was no longer Mick; it had become Mike, which probably says something for refinement. As we all grow older and become more mature, changes for refinement begin to take place; another way of putting it is ‘growing older gracefully.’

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For some people it doesn’t matter what they’re called, as they say, ‘Call me anything just don’t call me late for breakfast!’ In these situations they might have a preference but it’s nothing you can pick, so the best rule of thumb is to simply use the name they use; by watching for how they introduce themselves. Be astute in using that name, without drawing a lot of attention to why you’re using it. This is one of the sensitivities of Emotional Intelligence and it’s a great way to promote a relationship through the virtue of respect.

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I’ve found that not everyone likes the nicknames they’ve been given or that they’ve ‘acquired.’ I’ll use the nickname only after the person in question has reminded me to use it because they actually like it. My default is to use the preferred Christian name, unless they prefer the nickname. Of course, some nicknames are great, and it’s no surprise when some people see these as a badge of honour.

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Remembering names is something I struggle with at times, and the only thing I know that helps is thinking about the person and linking these thoughts with their name, or using their name frequently in conversation, for instance... “So, Sophia, what do you like most about your job?” And, “That’s great, Sophia.” Obviously it’s a good idea not to overuse names in this way as our communication risks becoming a bit trite.

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I find that getting people’s names right is something that people notice. It leaves them with a ‘good’ feeling about us. It tells them that we value and respect their preferences and feelings. It’s a good thing we simply can do. Anyone can learn this simple skill.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Do You Feel “Manipulated?”

There is little worse than suddenly discovering ‘in the moment’ that you’re being “manipulated.” In theory, manipulation means many things, and not necessarily all of these are bad. But when you get that impression, what springs up in the mind is a whole lot of self-talk about the situation that can be very counterproductive. At the extreme end, it can bring on anxiety attacks.

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Some people in society are naturally suspicious of manipulation. Be the protagonist once and you may well have lost them forever. This is said to be particularly of the addicted in life – they have a disdain for manipulation.[1] This is possibly based in the deadly sin of pride, which alcoholics and others ‘dependants’ struggle excessively with. Pride is often-times a symptom of a lack of faith or lack of ability to trust in an other. These people are pre-disposed to both feeling and being manipulated.

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If you are on the receiving end of being manipulated, meaning that you know beyond reasonable doubt that it is occurring and it’s not a figment of your imagination, you need to:

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- Either confront the person/s instigating it; or,

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- Simply get out of the situation.

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When you’re in a situation where the person is close and you don’t have many options but to confront the situation or person, ensure you do your thinking and planning on the situation prior to the event. Manipulators are smart and use guilt quite effectively. Be wary of it. Don’t put up with dysfunctional and co-dependent relationships. Challenge them.

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It can be of such relief when you extricate yourself from the claws of a manipulator. Don’t simply do it because you desire the freedom. Do it for the right reasons, as a response to the injustice.

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The real reason why someone will want to manipulate you is generally based in fear. They seek to control you or your behaviour in a subversive sort of way; in a way that is dishonest and lacks transparency. It’s patently evil. Don’t stand for it. Challenge it respectfully and get released.

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© 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Alcoholics Anonymous, Daily Reflections - February 28, What? No President?, (New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, 1990), p. 67.

The Benefits of a Good Confrontation - Answering the Difficult Questions

This’ll fly in the face of what you may think – a good confrontation, which is a conversation where you are able to challenge someone regarding a boundary they’re intruding upon, is actually very beneficial. Crudely speaking, a boundary is a protection line ensuring health in our relationships, so we neither hurt others and they don’t hurt us.

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Cloud and Townsend assert the importance of good confrontations in their highly acclaimed book, Boundaries Face to Face. They say that even a poor confrontation can bring good in the form of relief to one or both parties. It’s something not to be resisted. It can resolve alienation between parties and bring healing to that “lost” feeling, if it’s done properly with the correct mixes of grace and truth.

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Let’s tack a side-road for a moment. Tile Technology Roofing Company, a business featured in the best-seller of Christensen et al “Fish Tales,” has an outstanding reputation for its positive attitude and ethos of “Choose Your Attitude.”[1] They have a special room in the back of their administration facility called “The Pond.” It’s a room with little other than sand, a pond, and two chairs – it’s a beach scene. It’s somewhere you can take someone and have an honest word with them, without either taking offense. You can go there for 15 minutes or two hours, it doesn’t matter. People are encouraged to go there and have the confrontation in sanctuary. It could even be with the CEO, director or president! There is a rule that no offense is taken, and once you leave “the pond” the people concerned bear no ongoing grudge toward each other. Mutual respect is upheld.

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The “Relationship Curve” is another fascinating phenomena, hinging on conflict. All close relationships feature this relationship curve. As the relationship forms, there is characteristic high tolerance and relatively few boundaries set … it’s the ‘honeymoon period’ where all seems absolutely perfect. It’s a so-called perfect match. Yet, how many romances fizzle after the “gloss” of this time has faded? Give it 12-months to two years and the relationship will inevitably get to conflict stage. This is where the rubber hits the road and the real work of the relationship begins.

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We have formation, then conflict. Now, the relationship can go either of two ways; it grows or dies. This is fundamental. Firstly, if the conflict is seen as abnormal and something to avoid, the relationship will begin to stagnate. This might seem at the time the best way to ‘keep the peace’ but in the end it will bring less peace and infinitely more frustration to either one partner or both. We can’t hide what we feel, and what ticks us off. It’ll surface eventually. Another characteristic of this stagnant relationship – if both parties decide to live with the dysfunction – is death; the relationship will be dead. There will be no life to it and no life springing from it; both partners will feel estranged, disconnected, and “missing something.” This will continue until one or both partners wants more. And this can only be 1) good via confrontation, resolution, healing, and life; or, 2) not-so-good via a separation of the partners in the relationship in preference for something “new.”

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The second option is much healthier, yet more painful up front for both parties of the relationship. It views conflict as a normal part of the relationship curve. How could this be true you might ask? It’s about curiosity. What transforms the relationship and makes it chock full of life is curiosity. Such a little word with such power for the positive is curiosity. It asks, “What are the possibilities?” Where there is conflict AND curiosity, and preferably in both partners, there is the real possibility of transformation because of the conflict! In this incredible way, the conflict actually brings more life to the relationship. This is one situation where “normal” is not good.

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Confronting conversations acknowledge that while we can’t make someone change, we can do much to create the right environment, promoting change. Confrontations also clarify reality; a shared reality. Avoiding people reinforces fear of not treading on toes. Confronting attends to the reality of the proverbial ‘elephant in the room everyone can see.’ Tile Tech recognised the need to confront things in honesty, and sought to build a culture and a physical environment where conflict could be the catalyst for upwardly spiralling interpersonal and relational growth. This was a key part of their success in ‘choosing their attitudes.’

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For confrontations to go well, we must be emotionally present and in tune with one another. This means being warm and careful not to lecture, respecting differences, and limiting discomfort for either party. We must be careful not to injure the other. We must also learn to observe ourselves. We should speak from our need not theirs (or what we think might be their need). This is where “I” statements are crucial. Commence the stating of needs with, “I need … [the thing, support etc] … from you.”

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Here are some tips from Cloud and Townsend:

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· Be clear about the nature of the problem, its effects on you, and your desire to see change. The “I need…” part of the conversation comes after this, as it is framed in a way that makes it possible to see the issue in the correct light.

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· Balance grace and truth. “Many of us live in two worlds. In one we have connection without truth; in the other, truth without connection.”[2] With a vast number of our friendships and valued relationships we avoid truth so as not to hurt the other, and in other relationships we “bulldoze” others in truth because we have no valuable connection to maintain. We need to address both types of situations with proportional amounts of grace and truth.

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· When faced with one approach versus the other, viz grace and truth, and there’s doubt about when, how and why, think conservatively and give the benefit of the doubt in grace. Delay the confrontation or choose to believe the your partner/the other person. This is grace, which is “undeserved favour.”

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· Stay on task: be ADULT; this is being reasonable, responsible, rational, realistic, and logical. This requires diligence, vigilance. Attend to the entire conversation this way.

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· Whilst not getting emotional, focus on describing your feelings (how you feel) and not thoughts. This will help you get to the heart of the issue, whilst communicating caringly.

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· Make sure you affirm and validate the other person you’re confronting, being especially careful to actively listen and re-phrase with empathy what they’re saying prior to responding yourself.

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· Don’t be afraid of apologising first. If you say sorry they’re less likely to feel defensive; you are then more likely to be able to confront the issue in a helpful environment. Be genuine.

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We must balance grace and truth in all our communications if we want to be effective. It is never more important to balance grace and truth than when handling a delicate situation. Be wise and think “win/win,” being careful not to shut the other party down.

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Confrontation means in Latin, “to turn your face toward, to look at frontally.”[3] Don’t be afraid to have the strength of courage to confront the loved one, friend, or co-worker you’re having trouble with. This sort of courage is manifested from a love that supports both grace and truth.

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It could mean the difference between life and eventual death for your relationship.

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© 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Christensen, J., Lundin, P.C., Paul, H., & Strand, P., Fish! Tales: Real-Life Stories to Help You Transform Your Workplace and Your Life, (New York, Charthouse Learning, 2002), pp. 107f.

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[2] Cloud, H., & Townsend, J., Boundaries Face to Face: How to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding, (Sydney: Strand/Zondervan, 2003), p. 16.

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[3] Cloud, H., & Townsend, J., Ibid. p. 19.

Dealing With Teens The Easy Way - Competence and Confidence

Most parents find bring up teens a thankless task. It's often painful. How do you love and help someone who doesn't seem to love themselves? This article proposes tips and ideas to trigger in parents of teens, creativity for action. Think for a moment, what are your own memories of the teen years. Walk a mile in 'their' shoes. This article should help.
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To View Article at EzineArticles click the following link: http://EzineArticles.com/?id=1010482

Present musings... "On Mondayitis"

Another month is here, and we're into Day 2 already. How time goes.

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Life is a topsy-turvy affair. I'm reminded of a book-CD set that I was once given by a very good friend. It's called The Interview With God. There's a screen-saver in it that states poignantly the paradoxes of life... I'll try to dig it out and write about it some time as it's fascinating how unhappy we get most of the time, yet we have it all. After all we are alive, aren't we?

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Time is something I could do with more of. I was only reflecting (okay, it was more of a lamenting...) with my manager on Friday during my Employee Development System planning session about my workload. He gently reminded me that everyone's in the same busy boat. It was just what I needed to hear.

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I struggled for a few moments thinking 'he's not empathetic at all,' yet what I heard God whisper was salient... get on with it... you really are in a privileged position... great job, top people to work with, great environment, opportunities to make a difference, flexibility... I can't ask for much more to be honest. It's the reality I love.

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I confessed with my manager that I hadn't had "Mondayitis" in fifteen years--he was quite envious, and said I should "bottle" what I had and find a way of selling it... Mmmm...

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Truth is there was one period, no two, when I found it a real struggle to want to go to work. The first was when I'd just returned to Perth in June 1996. I had to go back on the tools, and it was wet and cold and the work environment was "dingy" to say the least. The second time was after the separation... it wasn't the work I couldn't stand... it was the grieving; the work in front of me came a distant second... I simply couldn't focus. It wasn't like I didn't want to; I just couldn't.

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I sometimes struggle to get to sleep because I can't wait to awaken in the morning. To have time alone, to muse, reflect and plan, to write, to mix thoughts with God. It's shalom.

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Weekends are only very mildly more exciting than weekdays for me, as one day merges into the next. Each day is special and new, and brings new surprises and opportunities!