One thing the past month, or even the past week, has reminded me of is the fickle nature of life. It can seem unfair from whatever vantage point you see things from. But life invites us all to see from multiple perspectives, and this is why empathy is such a necessary and vital character trait.
Indeed, as a couples counsellor and occasional mediator I see the dynamic all the time where there are contributions on both sides to impasses I’m called to assist in, and beside cases where there is an obvious slanting of injustice one way (abuse), both parties have some contribution to own. At the very least what’s required is self-reflection on all sides.
The difficult thing for all of us
when we’re implicated in conflict
is to see our contribution.
It doesn’t account for the other person’s contribution, which only they can see and own. But we must own ours, and this centrally is our freedom, because as see our contribution and own it, we pour contempt on our pride, and our heart is open to empathise with the other for our impact on them.
The mature person — the safe person for relationship — empathises.
It stands to reason, therefore, that
the empathiser is at least occasionally wrong.
The empathiser repents. This is what makes them mature.
Empathy is a character competency. It is what defines us as a reflecting, thinking, feeling human. It is a strength. It is not a weakness. It gives our relationships hope that we’re fair and just in our actions toward others.
It’s better to be manipulated by a person without empathy for the empathy we show than to be that person who exploits these matters and people. Everything’s a test. And empathy (or lack thereof) is a test and be assured of “witnesses.” The only defence is to be beyond reproach as much as possible.
Here’s the head’s up for any who would listen.
Many times we can gloss over what we’ve done, thinking it was very little when from another’s viewpoint — and from the aspect of the common person — it’s more than that. The worst people completely deny harms done, and then reverse the victim and offender (DARVO) making the person who has been harmed even more of a target.
We are not to be the people who minimise
the true impact we have on others.
When people demonstrate to us that they’re consistently exploitative, THEN we consider and implement safe boundaries to protect ourselves. Until then, we’re to be people with empathy, remembering that our empathy is always a trust and a test.
We trust our empathy to people as a test — when they prove faithful, we’ve made a friend, but if they prove consistently unfaithful, then it’s boundaries that need to be applied as we keep the unsafe one at safe distance. Past performance is the best guide of future performance.
When we can accept the motives and consequences of our own unkind actions, that gives us power to repent and turn back toward attitudes and behaviours that are kind, especially as we extend these attitudes and behaviours toward those who don’t resemble our attitude and behaviour of repentance.
Be assured, the fruit of real Christian faith is the fruit of repentance.
Faith and repentance are intrinsically linked.
When a person doesn’t reflect values of repentance and is consistently bullish in the face of their wrongdoing, they have not faced the truth of their impact on others. They haven’t empathised. And the key sign is bewilderment at being held accountable, and often the defend-reversal-of-victim-and-offender (DARVO). They act as if they did nothing wrong, never once demonstrating they have ANY inclination to self-reflect. And this destroys trust and, inevitably, relationships.
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It doesn’t matter how much Bible or theological knowledge a person has, or how well they can preach and teach, or how big their church is, or how esteemed they are, if they cannot self-reflect, empathise, and repent, they’re not mature in the faith.
They’ve forsaken the fundamental things for glorious things. It’s equivalent to the words, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice.” (Hosea 6:6; Matthew 9:13; 12:7) God is always more interested in how we treat others than in anything else we achieve.
“A new command I give you,” said Jesus, “Love one another.” We love others by self-reflecting on the impacts we make in our relationships, in empathising with others, and in repenting of our contributions to conflicts. This IS faith (and love) in action.
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