If there’s one safe assumption to make in a social media thread these days it’s that misunderstandings and divergences will lead to conflict and usually the key board warrior emerges in the protagonists. But when we’re face to face, we’re usually a little more circumspect.
There is conflict in our world and so much of it in our lives. In fact, there isn’t a week that goes by where there isn’t some person either upsetting us or other people upset by us. So often conflicts occur in a flash and we could not have seen it coming.
There are so many factors driving why we even get into conflict: stress, desires, pressures, habits we struggle with in others, trigger words and turns of phrase, several unconscious biases, just to name a few.
How do we reconcile conflict so it doesn’t get out of hand where we end up in court or fisticuffs or the end of the relationship?
One thing I’ve learned—through much application, but also the hard way through not applying it—is there is a huge amount of value in doing two things at the same time: 1) address the conflict directly whilst also 2) expressing empathy for the other person in their situation.
This approach disarms people—especially when they’re thinking we’re coming to attack. But as we address the person, empathising genuinely for how they’re feeling, we demonstrate integrity and care.
Conflict’s first step is seeking the best for all. The irony of doing this is when we put others first, even though we’re momentarily disregarding our own needs, our needs are more than met in the longer run—because we’re seen as a unifier and someone who is mature enough to put others first.
It’s such a rare quality these days, but it’s ever appreciated by all when all is said and done.
I say when all is said and done because putting others first takes faith. It involves risking it won’t backfire on us. But think of it this way, if people don’t appreciate the empathy and grace we extend, it’s no loss to us. Our behaviour is full of integrity; theirs? Don’t worry about theirs. If their conscience isn’t piqued that’s no fault of anyone but themselves.
BUT it’s not for us to get upset over other people’s behaviour over which we have no control.
Think of how much of a temptation it is to control others. It’s why we get upset when people behave abysmally. But if we resolve to accept that we can’t always influence others, and that we certainly can’t control their behaviour, we remove the risk of getting upset.
We lower our expectations of others. We’re not surprised when they get upset with us. And when we’re not surprised, we’re better equipped to manage the moment, because each conflict needs a semblance of reason, and it only takes one to start injecting hope where things can easily boil over.
Conflict’s first step is seeking the best for all, and in being the pacifier, the calm voice, the voice of reason, the peacemaker, we offer hope of unity where division threatens to disrupt the peace.
Robert Louis Stevenson said this:
“Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm.”
For such a quiet mind we’re to strive. Rather than be influenced and controlled for our response through others’ behaviour, knowing there’s a better way, we nurture those responses.
The thing we learn most of all when we’re not intimidated by others is how easy it is to respect everyone, because respecting everyone is a reflection on us, and not on whether others are worthy of the respect we bestow them.
Those who respect everyone show a character trait of a mastery of emotional intelligence. Those who are least worthy of respect are most to be won over through our respect of them—and even if they aren’t it’s a reflection on them and the grace we extend is a positive reflection on us. And in doing this, we do no further harm, and others see the power for peace we hold.
Quiet minds have the command of peace over the waves that would rock our relationships.
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