For reasons of simplicity, this article I wish to set out more as a statement, so the words are plain and there is no unnecessary wind-up. I start on the parable of the unmerciful servant, then comment on Joseph’s narrative (Genesis 37, 39-50), and then conclude with some other biblical content supporting the position I’m taking.
The parable of the unmerciful servant is a poor
example for forgiving unrepentant abusers.
Firstly, the one forgiving the debt each time (the Master first, then the unforgiving debtor) both have the power. The abused never have the power, so it’s unfair to use this parable in making the extension — ‘God forgave you so you must forgive them.’ God has all power, so to extend forgiveness through the broken body and blood of Jesus is completely incomparable to an abuse victim forgiving their abuser.
When an abuser has all the power, the system for ‘forgiveness’ is deranged. The very nature of someone seeking to be forgiven equalises the power differential. If an abuser never seeks to be forgiven, there is no equalising the power differential, so to demand the victim of abuse to forgive the abuser is yet another abuse.
In the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35, again there is no power differential against the Master who ‘forgives’ the debt. Note also that there is no betrayal or abuse in this story, so it’s not a good illustration for forgiving unrepentant abusers. The Master forgives a debt, presumably because he can afford the loss. He is merciful by all means, but there is no emotional cost involved to him, plus he can afford to forgive the debt.
In the parable of the unmerciful servant, each time the debtor had far less power, and they also SOUGHT to be forgiven. Both of these conditions are not in place when an abused person is required to forgive their abuser — the abuser still has the power and they’re probably not repentant.
When someone seeks to be forgiven, there is an important power equalisation process taking place. They’re placing themselves at the mercy of the one who may forgive them. Forgiving someone who doesn’t ask for it means there is no such power equalisation.
JOSEPH’S FORGIVING OF HIS BROTHERS
If, in the case of Joseph’s brothers, they no longer have the power AND choose to repent, forgiveness is far easier. This is consistent with Jesus’ teaching in Luke 17:3-4, where Jesus says, “... IF they repent, forgive them.” We can continue to forgive people if they continue to repent. It doesn’t mean the relationship is restored, however, because if they keep sinning in the same way against us, the relationship needs to be protected from further harm.
It is good to forgive, as this Brad Hamrick article points out. But Hambrick also makes the point that it took Joseph about twenty-four years to forgive his brothers — and guess what?... the power differential problem had been sorted out! So, Joseph is not really a good straightforward example from the Bible to use in cases of abuses of power. Indeed, as has been stated by Hambrick and others, these concepts are never straightforward. They’re always complex.
By this point in the narrative, Joseph has ubiquitous power. And yet, even for Joseph — who didn’t use his power to abuse and demean but to bless and redeem, as Hambrick puts it — he essentially waited for his brothers to repent (Genesis 50:15-18).
So, two conditions were in place that made it easier for Joseph to forgive his abusive brothers:
1. He had the power — the power differential favoured the abused person: this is almost never the case in abuse situations, where power differentials flip, and this is why using Joseph’s story flippantly is not only unwise but it’s potentially abusive.
2. The brothers were repentant — this was BECAUSE the power differential had flipped: the power differential almost never flips for survivors of abuse. This is why most abusers will never repent — they don’t need to. Joseph’s brothers were forced to reflect on what they’d done because they were in fear for their lives.
OTHER BIBLICAL SUPPORT FOR CONNECTING FORGIVENESS TO REPENTANCE
The Bible continually connects God’s forgiveness of humanity to humanity’s repentance. The true conversion of a sinner to enjoy the fruit of their salvation occurs when the sinner has shown repentance: they confess both their sin and their need of God to guide them for the rest of their lives. Ongoing repentance is a condition of discipleship. A disciple’s fruit is in their repentance.
Prooftext here is the famous verse in 2 Chronicles 7:14, where God says, “If my people would turn from their sin, I would forgive their sin and heal their land.” IF is the pertinent word in this verse.
1 John 1:8-10 also states very powerfully that those who lie and continue in their lying have no part in God, let alone having a case to be forgiven by those they abused. First, their case is before the Judge. They’re implored to settle their accounts via Matthew 5:23-24 first.
Finally, and most convincingly is the theological pattern for justice found in Judges 2:11-18 that reflects the justice generally experienced by us all in this life. We sin and then usually face the consequences, which causes us to repent, then we’re forgiven, and then the consequence is peace — until we sin again. It is good for us to experience this cycle for justice.
When abusers are ‘forgiven’ before they’ve repented, there is an interruption to this cycle for justice. The abuser is enabled to continue in their sin, they never learn, the victims continue to be spiritually impoverished, and God is dismayed. Of which, Proverbs 17:15 is just one example.
There is no question, notwithstanding all the forgoing, that forgiveness is good for the forgiver, so an attitude of forgiveness can certainly be nurtured. This protects the abused person’s heart and prepares them for the day the abuser may repent — if they ever do.
But it is always inappropriate to require or demand an abused person forgive their unrepentant abuser.
The issue of forgiveness is complex enough in relatively simple cases. It’s abusive to expect a person to forgive an abuser where there is unequal power and a lack of repentance. The abused person’s path to genuine forgiveness will always be harmed when they’re coerced into forgiving prematurely.
In such cases, forgiveness may not even be the primary concern. Support for the abused person so they can see what happened in terms of justice, and so they can begin the processing of it. These are the first steps, not forgiveness.
Photo by Alessandro Vallainc on Unsplash
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