When addiction and mental ill-health are normal responses to loss, grief and trauma – treating the causes not pacifying the symptoms

**TRIGGER WARNING**

This article discusses stolen generations.

Imagine being taken from your home at 4 years of age with your brothers and sisters to be ‘rehomed’ in an institution.  Imagine the first thing they do when you’ve arrived is strip you naked and dowse you in DDT (tech name, Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane).  Your clothes are burned, and they put you in generic clothing and assign you a religion.  Then you’re given a job.  Even 2-year-olds are given a job, and you’re scolded for not doing it.

Gradually, more and more over time soul is stripped from spirit and the genesis of generational trauma is initiated, in this case aboriginal children brainwashed to become white children.  This is recent Australian history, as recent as the past 50 years.  It took place between 1910 and 1970.  But this article is not a history article.

This article is about the huge correlation between addiction and poor mental health experiences and outcomes due to loss, grief and trauma.  It is hard to imagine, probably more appropriate to say impossible to imagine, the depths of loss, grief and trauma that a person of the stolen generations has had to deal with.  Addiction in many cases is merely the effect of unrequited trauma, and the societal norm has been to blame and gaslight addicts (many who are alcoholics) and not see that these responses are normal in the circumstances where there is heart rending grief and no ability to cope otherwise.

The Bible certainly agrees.  Look to Proverbs 31:6-7 and see what it says.  We can well imagine those who are born to privilege not needing the drink, like the sayings of King Lemuel say, “Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish. Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their anguish no more.”  The truth of life is insistently relevant.  Those who have addiction and poor mental health struggle so very often because of generational trauma — trauma that is carried down from generation to generation, and many times because of war and/or government policy (to name just two where the powerful lord it over the least of these).

For those who have struggled with addiction, with depression, with anxiety, among the myriad form of harsh lived realities known to humankind, the practice of addiction and hopelessness are normal responses to trauma.  Yet as a society we have castigated the addict, and we have rejected and even institutionalised those who have mental health struggles.  We shame the individual.  We insist that they must feel guilty, and of course people comply, because whole societies have been hoodwinked or they’ve known they have no power to change it.  And guilt and shame re-double the consequences of trauma on the individual to propound the need to quell the pain.  More trauma, more pain, more need to mask the symptoms, because the causes cannot be amended.

Addictions exist as a very poor and trauma-charged coping mechanism to keep the pain at bay by amping up the pain.  What is really needed is time and space and acceptance and support for people to wrestle with their pain, so much so that there might be an opportunity to go a direct route to healing.  What is needed is love.

As societies we have always deemed it easier to shame the addict and the person with poor mental health or the one with disorders, individualising a societal problem.  This is scapegoating on a local and global scale, when those who bear the symptoms of trauma are not given the opportunity to deal with the causes of the trauma.

Whenever you face struggles that implicate you in what seem to be shameful deeds, such as addiction and to feel depressed, anxious, suicidal, etc, I hope you can see that what you’re feeling and experiencing is normal for the loss, grief and trauma that has until now been too much for you to process.  Your trauma is real and it has effects on you that you cannot change until you wrestle with them with the support of loving, trusted, skilled others who can help you through over time.

Please be kind to yourself and invest yourself in treating the causes and not the symptoms.  Instead of just giving up your drinking or other addiction, invest in getting to the bottom of your loss, grief and trauma story, to the place where you can feel those most horrendous of feelings.  Give your life to the process of grief and trauma recovery, and then your life will be yours again or perhaps for the first time.  It is worth the time and effort.

Photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash

Those who never change need you to leave to have a chance

Perhaps you’re holding out for someone to change, and you have waited years, and their promises just never seem to stick.  Maybe they stick at it for a little while and then they go back to their old ways, whether it’s addiction or violence or betrayal or a combo.  You just can’t seem to let go of the thought that they may just reform themselves.  You can’t entertain the heartbreak of letting them go and being responsible for their demise, for giving up on them, for being their last hope who just abandons them.

You cannot be their last hope.  You cannot be.  You aren’t.  You cannot be responsible for their demise.  Because you aren’t.  And by giving up on them you are paradoxically giving them the best chance they have.  Of getting up on their own two feet and fighting the fight they need to make, that you cannot take.

All structures for co-dependency need to fall away.  Every last excuse needs to be pared back.  It is not your fault that they have made no progress.  They do need your help, but it’s not the way you and they are currently thinking which will be most helpful.  They need to be cut loose, but of course there may be all sorts of threats of self-harm and worse, that they cannot possibly do it on their own without you.  In other words, they are pinning their responsibility on you.  You have a say in this, but it isn’t the say you or they think that is.  Your say is, “It’s your turn to do it on your own, and I know you can do it.  I have to go.”

Then is the tough work of staying gone, because they will make a huge wrestle of it.  It is so unfortunate that in the process of you giving them their best chance, that you will be seen as the betrayer, the enemy.  Be committed to the altruistic act of believing they can do with you out of the picture.  Who knows if there may be a reconciliation, but they need to be CHANGED before that can be entertained.

I can tell you from personal experience that the only chance many of us have of real recovery is if we are left to do it on our own, where every structure of excuse is ripped away.  It’s not to say that support isn’t needed.  Support is needed, but it must be the right kind of support and not enabling support that we are easily sucked into providing.  And at least until there’s been a year’s change, it can’t be you.  It has to be others.  And they need to make a go of it.

Of course, in cutting the mooring lines, and in letting them go, we do risk that they may harm themselves.  It might sound harsh, but how can you be responsible for these actions?  We are each responsible for our own lives, and not for others. It is part of the reason why we end up in problematic relationships.  It’s because one person took too much responsibility and the other took not nearly enough.  Adult relationships only occur when there are two adults in the relationship and not one child and one adult, because adults by designation of maturity take responsibility.

The best motivation we can give anyone to take responsibility for the change they need to make, is to get out of the way, and to make the tough choice to absolutely ensure that it happens.

Photo by Eugene Golovesov on Unsplash

The long day of COVID, hypervigilance & the dynamics of burnout

This topic came up in an online survivors’ community that I’m part of, as we all pondered the question of whether Covid has caused us to nudge burn out or not.  The thought was that initially we all entered the crisis as strong as we could for the fight in front of us.  The crisis is long, just as we were warned, even though it seems longer, and it was always going to be hard to anticipate just how we were to survive through it, even in the midst of hopes we had to thrive, for we all want to thrive through every season of life.

I sense that how we are feeling individually is a product of many factors, not least of which is how our home countries are grappling with the crisis.  In Australia, the first wave at least has been controlled, even though we as a society in general remain very cautious, where paradoxically as individuals, fatigue has set in and we have relaxed.  I know in other places of the world it seems that Covid is a more clear and present danger right now.  None of us can afford to be complacent, however.

But with the facts as they are, that we have all been through a two-three-month period that has felt more like a full year, there is bound to be some collateral damage in terms of wear and tear on our mental health.  I think I personally sensed a real flatness.  With gyms closed and really no desire to reinvent an exercise regime, as well as being in lockdown, the will to remain fit and active for many of us has waned, just as much as being locked down has forced us to become innovative when we otherwise couldn’t be bothered because of the other things pressing down on us.  Being indoors a lot of the time, we can see why the temptation to eat poorly contributes to a diet that represents the dip in our hope in real terms.  We’ve all faced threats to our jobs, unless we are essential workers, and we have all experienced a raised ambient of anxiety given the economic gloom that is part of our present and future.  Essential workers, of course, face the very real and impending danger of physical as well as psychological burnout.  These factors are merely the tip of the iceberg, but they warrant restating.  The base level of stress within all our societies has a knock-on effect in all our lives, and those who are given to anxiety disorders and depression and PTSD are super vulnerable to both hypervigilance and burnout.

The beginning of the crisis invited us into the anticipation of what lay ahead.  Well, it was not so much an invitation as something we had to get used to.  And whilst some of us welcomed the idea initially that those without disorders were trying something on that we were familiar in wearing, most of us have tried on a variety of styles of hypervigilance of one form or another or of many forms over the ensuing months.

The constant state of hypervigilance has led to the inevitable experience of burnout.  It is little wonder that we are rendered defenseless against a scourge none of us can control or predict.  We see the control measures that governments put in place, and we quickly deduce that this is big, that this is realer than we like, and that this is changing life as we know it in real time.  We are all left with few ways of absorbing the circumstances we are collectively in.

The longevity of the Covid season inevitably features the dynamics of burnout.

The challenge ahead for us as individuals — particularly if we are prone to occasions or seasons or constant mental ill health — isn’t something to be either denied or panicked about.  It is a threat and while Covid is a threat there will always be a threat.  This is something additional to be really aware of as we encounter the opportunity to adjust to the concept of a new normal.  The only defense we have is to be prudent about exposure and to be proactive in terms of our self-care.  The classic trinity of sleep, diet, and exercise will continue to be the basis of the best mental health care plan we can procure for ourselves.

Of course, community is vital, and like very many, I’ve come to truly appreciate the community mentioned at the top of this post, among the several I belong to.  And perhaps this is the biggest point.  More now than ever do we need to surround ourselves with like-minded others who we can endure this crisis with.  It doesn’t matter who they are, and it doesn’t matter the kind of group, so long as we are genuinely able to love and be loved and to feel genuinely safe, included, and accepted for who we are, as we continue to bunker down and survive at this time.

Photo by Sergey Pesterev on Unsplash

Justice is the character of God, and faith anticipates it

I love it how Isaiah 40 begins a fresh transition, “‘Comfort, comfort my people,’ says your God.”  It signals how a new thing is about to be done; how the eternal nature of God is always about to do a new thing.

At Isaiah 40:4, we get more information about the nature of this comfort. This comfort will come through the myriad benevolence of the Lord, not least justice will be front and centre of that view:

“Every valley shall be lifted and filled up, and every mountain and hill shall be made low; and the crooked and uneven shall be made straight and level and the rough places a plain.”

Of course, a New Testament equivalent to this, in Jesus’ own words, is, “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Luke 14:11)

Combine these words with the prophet Habakkuk who encourages us in two consecutive verses, that justice will come swiftly even if it appears to dawdle (2:3), and those who receive justice will live justly, by faith (2:4).

As we stand in the gap (Ezekiel 22:30) for others, even as we wait patiently (Psalm 37:7) for justice overall, we can trust the nature and character of the Lord, for though there seems no justice in so many matters here on earth, there is a time where Jesus says, “Vengeance is Mine.” (Deuteronomy 32:35; Romans 12:19)

This of course is the kind of encouragement we need to be reminded of regularly.  It sustains us even as we are comforted, that we can trust God, and that we can leave the situations that always threaten to consume us with the ever-unfolding future, even as they prevail eventually as a present moment reality.

God is making all things new.  Whenever we have suffered and done so faithfully, we know the result will be well for us... ultimately.  The in-between time is our very expression of faith.  It is done faithfully as we wait for the Lord to execute justice, where we too will be required to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9), for so often faithful and humble testimony is required of us.  Indeed, whatever we say or do not say is testimony.  We should not be afraid of speaking the truth boldly at the appropriate time, even and especially even truths that don’t appear to bode well for us personally; for God has ordained a time for every matter.  We should never be afraid of telling the truth as it is, for there alone in the truth is our only eternal protection, indeed as it should be.

What is required of us?  To do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with our God. (Micah 6:8)

Has guilt silenced you in the struggle of depression?

One of the real gifts of a Christian life is having traversed depression, where the experience of a joyless season teaches you something very important.  Indeed, I believe it’s God that allows these experiences such that we would know the full-blown depression is a confounding circumstance that takes us all the way to empathy.  And the true end point, I’m sure God has in mind is that we would come to the end of ourselves, acknowledging that we couldn’t overcome it in our own strength, to derive compassion that can only come from the heartland of the Lord.

Of course, in the circumstances we learn that God’s strength is in our weakness; that as we bear the suffering patiently, with faith that this too shall pass, we are granted strength enough to endure, and as Oswald Chambers would say, “strength for the minute.”

But I know this much for sure.  When we are in that place where all joy has been sucked out of us, where we are a mess of tears, or where we are betwixt and between, where everything is awry — when we’re at our lowest ebb, to the point where disbelief at how bad things are takes over — we give into the temptation to feel guilty, and hence we are silent, from where we receive no support.

Spiritual abuse tends to take place when people make us feel guilty for being depressed, and therefore they hush us into silence, where we may genuinely feel we are in the wrong; and worst of all to believe the lie that sin has caused our depression.  But that’s not the only issue that we are confronted with.  In subscribing to really faulty doctrine, we can begin to believe the same lies, that we aren’t good enough for God, that our faith is too weak and that we’ll never get there, that we are constantly letting God down, and of course we fall into silence through the guilt we have ourselves put on.

In these places, quite simply, you are not letting God down, you are not a bad example for Christ; more it is to the contrary, God’s compassion can begin to shine through you in your weakness.  It takes quite a courageous faith to accept this.

Whenever we are silent in our suffering, we are well advised to ask why.  Has someone else inflicted the guilt on you, or are you feeling guilty yourself for not measuring up to God?  Whether you feel it or not, God is close to the broken-hearted.  And remember, depression is not about measuring up or not.

In our depression, we do not lack faith, because our faith is being fortified in the depression.  Instead of suffering in silence because we feel guilty, we ought to throw off the shackles of shame as much as we have energy to do that and trust the trustworthy who are there for us at such a time is this.  I know in depression we can feel as though we don’t have the energy for the interaction, and that is fine, but when we would sincerely crave connection and support, we ought not to feel we can’t reach out.

Many times in simply reaching out, we are given strength for the minute that God can and does give.

Photo by Timothée Duran on Unsplash

A role model of humility, gentleness and respect

On the occasion of my father’s 75th birthday I’m given cause to reflect.  I’ve known him over 50 years. He has been my Dad and I have been his son, and he has been the grandfather to my children, and is now a great grandfather to my grandchild.  The way I think of life, I don’t assume that he will be around forever, and indeed I’m truly thankful that I’m in my 50s and he’s still around.

Like with all our parents, my father and I have had our moments, and the more negative ones are few, and as a younger person always couched in love wanting me to be better.  As a youth there were often times where he spoke into my life, usually through a brevity of words that were nonetheless impactful.  Dad has always been a key influencer in my life.  I can think of a handful of times when it was about tough love, like when I got my hair bleached and wore earrings (1980s ‘mod’ style), but mainly it was about nurture.  Early on it was through helping fix the car or participating in fishing expeditions (when I would generally suffer seasickness), where we got to spend many hours together.  Dad would often help with my maths and science homework, because his talent as a skilled craftsman was around calculations, and much of my early love for mathematics was due to his ability to teach me a passion for numbers, patterns and formulas.

Later in my youth, I found I loved metalwork, and that led me to do a mechanical apprenticeship in the same trade as Dad.  My two younger brothers became fitter machinists, too.  So, there were four of us in a family of five who could talk at length about shafts, bearings, sleeves, lathes, screw threads, mirror finishes, ‘thous’, keyways, overhead travelling cranes, gearing and shrink fits, and the like.  In my 20s, for nearly five years, I had the honour and privilege of working with Dad in a large industrial workshop where I got to see how incredibly skilled he was in operating a metal turning lathe.  Not only that, I got to see how many men revered my father for not only his proficiency in lathe work, but also for his character.  He was a man unequivocally respected, and if I hadn’t had the chance to work alongside him, I would never have seen that.  So, for that, I’m truly grateful.

But it wasn’t always about what I did with Dad that made the difference to me.

When my first marriage folded overnight, and I found myself rebuilding my life completely against my will, my father became a crucial part of a counselling team of two (alongside other mentors, including two AA sponsors, two pastors and their wives, and another church elder).  My mother and father would sit there and listen as I told my sorry story over and over again.  They held my pain and bore my burden.  It was so much to ask, but of course as parents we feel we have no choice but to support our children, and my father and I grew closer together as a result.  During this time, Dad had a significant knee surgery that meant he couldn’t walk for nearly 6 months.  This period of time nearly broke us both individually, but together we grew strong.  Another time that nearly broke us both individually was when Sarah and I lost Nathanael, because, on top of our grief, it dredged up many memories of how Mum and Dad had lost my sister Debbie to stillbirth back in 1973.  One thing I know about my Dad is that his sensitivities are beautiful.  I’m proud to say, he is not one to be able to deny his emotions.

I have come to see that Dad has been a role model of humility, gentleness and respect.  A role model, because in so many ways, without him knowing it, he has shown me what I have lacked.  He genuinely considers others better than himself, and not out of seeing himself as useless or worthless.  Apart from a few occasions as a child, I never saw Dad lose his temper, and yet anger has been something I have had to tame and work on.  Dad’s respect meshes in nicely with his humility; it is innate to who he is.  I get the impression that the reason people revere Dad is because he reveres everyone.  He has reaped what he has sown.

Dad taught me and those in my family about love through how he has loved Mum.  In fact, it’s often been said that the way Dad has loved us most and best is how he has loved Mum.  Actually, in loving Mum with the utmost respect, he has modelled how a man is to treat a woman.  He has always been the type to show love through action rather than words, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t spoken much humble wisdom over the years, because he has.

I don’t know how many more years I get to be blessed by the presence of my Dad in my life, but I will take every one of them as a gift.

Image: Mum and Dad c. 1985-90.

A flying 7-minute guide to biblical peacemaking

If I were to ask you if you’ve had any conflict in the last week, I would imagine you would say yes.  The truth is conflict is littered through every area of our lives.  And that’s just the interpersonal conflict — with others.  There is also the matter of intrapersonal conflict, i.e. grief, anxiety, depression and the like.  Conflict is a normal part of everyday life, whether it is with other people or within us.  It’s in our workplaces, in our families, on the news, on the roads, and in the shops.  Conflict intrigues us, but it also destroys relationships and lives.

If we are Christian, we probably resonate with the pivotal verse of Jesus in the beatitudes: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” (Matthew 5:9)  If we reverse that, we quickly find that if we are children of God, we are also to be peacemakers.  The word “called” in that verse is pertinent; it reminds us that people who don’t know God will see something godly about us when we are behaving as peacemakers.  That’s an evangelistic role and purpose.

CONFLICT IN OUR WORLD

Grounding these principles is important.  Let’s take a marriage scenario.  It isn’t uncommon in marriage for partners to struggle with clarifying and accepting their roles, their contributions, and their habits, whilst also trying to reconcile issues around intimacy, expectations, communication, and conflict styles.  It isn’t unusual for marriages to feature entrenched conflict, where partners feel marooned in the same tired patterns, and these aren’t even marriages that are inherently abusive.  Conflict arises out of so many areas of misunderstanding, miscommunication, unrealistic expectations, etc.  Marriage is a breeding ground for conflict.  But I don’t say this to make it seem hopeless.  On the contrary, there is great reason for hope.

Marriages aren’t the only relational entity to suffer under the tyranny of entrenched conflict.  Confounding conflicts happen in churches and in workplaces and in every organisation.  Where power structures lord it over the weak, it is all too easy for a leadership to decide the fate of people where outcomes are grossly unjust.  Malevolence and manipulation, however, can happen in any level of any organisation, but it is within the heart of every believer that a common problem resides.  It isn’t only narcissism that we need to be on guard about, but the extraordinarily normal presence of idols that exist in all our hearts.

One thing we need to acknowledge at this point, however, is biblical peacemaking meets its match in circumstances of abuse.  Whenever we talk about domestic violence or other abuses, we must reconcile that collaborative approaches have little effectiveness.  Biblical peacemaking is contingent on repentance, and in abuse the status quo is a lack of repentance.

Normal everyday conflicts can be negotiated through biblical peacemaking, just as entrenched conflicts may be resolved through a peacemaking mediation process.  Even in the most entrenched conflicts there is the hope of the gospel for peace between warring parties.

CONFLICT IN THE BIBLE

Biblical peacemaking is the hope that Christians need as they endeavour to reconcile issues with their brothers and sisters in Christ.  As they open their Bibles, they may see just about every page involves conflict, from Adam and Eve at the Fall, to Cain and Abel, to Abram and Lot, Joseph and his brothers, Moses and the man he murdered, and the prophets who continually in conflict.  Paul was in conflict with the Corinthians, and then there’s the impasse between Paul and Barnabas.  Jesus seemed to be almost continually in conflict with the Pharisees.  Saul and David are another example, and perhaps an example of abuse.  The Psalms are pregnant with conflict, and the history of Israel is a story of a wayward nation trying very often unsuccessfully to walk the way of God.  What makes our Bible so relevant is that it features everyday conflict drama in just about every chapter.  It glosses over none of the unsavoury issues of life and it refuses to sugar-coat the deeper moral issues raised in terms of the narratives it tells.

WHAT IS CONFLICT?

Ken Sande in The Peacemaker defines conflict as, “A difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires.”  It isn’t just a difference in opinion or purpose.  It must be combined with the frustration element.  It must create angst between people.  Causes of conflict in the Bible emanate from misunderstandings (e.g. tribes of Israel in terms of territory and an altar in Joshua 22:10-34), differences and prejudices (1 Corinthians 12:12-31), competition (e.g. Abram and Lot in Genesis 13:1-12), stubbornness and animosity (e.g. the paroxysm between Paul and Barnabas in Acts 15:36-39), and sinful desires (James 4:1-2).

What James (4:1-2) says is especially poignant, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.”  Strong words, perhaps, but they are nevertheless truthful.  There are three responses to conflict: to escape, to attack, and to make peace, and the first two are the default responses.

All of humanity’s problems stem from the first conflict when Adam and Eve broke God’s only commandment.  And yet, in God’s response we see the earliest prophecy (Genesis 3:15) that Jesus would come to make peace between God and all humanity.  It would need God to do only what God could do.  Only Jesus could drink from that cup.  In becoming the ultimate peacemaker, we see how we can join the peacemaking effort.

In the Bible, conflict is neither good nor bad, but we can see how God uses conflict to grow us up.  Tim Otter in Oriented to Faith says, “Some might argue that the Holy Spirit makes us good people who know longer get into conflicts.  The Biblical witness recognises conflict as an integral part of what God uses to grow us up!”  Of course, it’s our response that makes all the difference.

THREE OPPORTUNITIES IN CONFLICT

When we say that conflict is an opportunity, people can begin to look at us sideways.  “Okay, like how?”  Fair question.  If God is going to use conflict to grow us up, it potentially has a good purpose.  We may well ask then, what opportunities lie in wait for us as we engage within conflict as peacemakers?  There are three opportunities: 1) to glorify God, which we see in 1 Corinthians 10:31 — “whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”  2) to serve others by being kind to them.  We may ask why?  There are at least four reasons: because in being kind no harm is done, because we can, because it honours God, and because it is easier and wiser in the long run.  3) to become more like Jesus, which we see in 1 Corinthians 11:1 and Ephesians 5:1.  As we turn to Jesus in conflict, we become wiser, more loving and kinder.

Of course, to believe that conflict is an opportunity is a radical rethinking of conflict and a rerouting of our response.  It takes the heart-thumping and head-bumping situation of conflict and turns it on its head.  It puts in correct context the idea that Paul had in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, when he said that the troubles we have in the world are light and momentary as compared to the unseen majesties in the eternal.

PEACEMAKING – THE 4G PROCESS

Peacemaking is a four-stage process as conceived by Ken Sande in The Peacemaker.  First, we must glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31) by going vertical in our concern for righteousness.  Second, to have any hope of doing any good in the conflict, we must get the log out of our own eye (Matthew 7:3-5).  Third, only once we have truly reflected on our own part in a conflict, and we have owned what we need to be humble about, can we restore the other party gently (Galatians 6:1-2).  Fourth, and finally, once we have settled accounts, once both parties have apologised and forgiveness has been requested and granted, we can go and be reconciled (Matthew 5:23-24).

1.         Glorifying God – this is about asking the question “How do I please and honour God in this situation?”  This is where we go vertical in prayer and ask God to give us bearing, and insight, and the ability to see what is truly necessary to see, to ask God, “What am I missing here?”  It is truly the admission, “I need you, God!”  It is the utterance of the prayer in Psalm 139:23-24 — “Search me, O God, and know my heart!  Try (or test) me and know my anxious thoughts!  And see if there is any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”  And in glorifying God, we are agreeing to pause and use what the psychologists would call our higher order thinking, which comes from the neocortex, and to not rely on the limbic system where amygdala hijack leaves us responding like reptiles.  Only in the humility of pausing and reflecting do we have the ability to ask, “Where is the opportunity in this, Lord?”

2.         Getting the log out of your eye – having prayed that Psalm 139:23-24 prayer, this is about asking the question, “How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict?”  When we are truly focused on getting the log out of our own eye, the speck in the other person’s eye feels far less important.  And indeed, this is freeing, because we stay in what psychologists call an internal locus of control when we see we have the power and capacity to make change — things don’t just happen to us, and we have power over our own destiny.  The fact of the matter is, unless in some extreme cases, we will have some personal contribution to the conflict.  To do this work requires a little heart surgery, to identify the idols — those desires that have become demands.  Again, in the spirit of Psalm 139:23-24, we earnestly ask God, “Show me my sin and my dishonesty, and keep me there, Lord, where I may not harm myself or others.”  When we harm ourselves, we are escaping and peace-faking.  When we are harming others, we are attacking and peace-breaking.  In identifying these, we have the opportunity to prepare an apology, which is multifaceted.  We address everyone involved, avoid if, but, and maybe, admit specifically what we did wrong, acknowledge the hurt, accept the consequences, alter our behaviour, and ask for forgiveness.  When a true apology is given, hitting all these seven A’s, the other party most often sees our sincerity.  None of this is easy, because seeing and owning our own part requires a great deal of humility.  Ultimately, I have to agree that my relationships have no chance unless I work on me.  We see here God’s inherent interest in our fruit of repentance.  (And yes, that goes for the other person, too.)

3.         Restore gently – this is about asking the question, “How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this situation?”  Having prepared our apology, we go and make it with all sincerity, prayerfully considering our approach and timing, affirming our relationship, seeking to understand your interests, and prepared to search for creative solutions — especially in regard to negotiating material issues.  We recognise that the Bible calls us (e.g. Matthew 5:23-24) to be the one to lovingly raise issues, both in terms of our behaviour, but also in terms of other people’s behaviour.  A big part of this step in the process is adhering to wise principles in how to handle crucial conversations.  We prepare to speak the truth in love, using all our interpersonal skills and being wise about timing and body language and believing the best.  We go in there knowing that where there are strong emotions, high stakes, and differing opinions it will be necessary to reaffirm the importance of the relationship, and to reassure around safety.  This step in the process is about tending to the relationship whilst also recognising there may be material issues to be negotiated.

4.         Go and be reconciled – in this step we are asking, “How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage reasonable solution?”  Having offered forgiveness and having received it, this step is about ensuring that the forgiven stay forgiven.  That as we walk away reconciled, we don’t slide back into conflict through unforgiveness.  We recognise that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling; that it is not forgetting, but it is choosing to be kind and to forgive despite what happened; that it is not giving permission for someone to keep hurting us, but choosing to not hold it against them; that it is not acting like there are no consequences for what happened.  It involves four promises: 1) I will not dwell on this incident.  2) I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.  3) I will not talk to others about this incident.  4) I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.  Of course, these four promises only apply to bilateral forgiveness.

THE ‘MAKE PEACE’ RESPONSE

In the most simplistic of terms, there are three core ‘make peace’ responses.  1) to overlook small and non-repeated offences.  2) to talk to the other party or parties about incidences that can’t be overlooked.  3) to get help when talking does no good or would be inappropriate (e.g. if it’s unsafe).  Peacemaking in principle teaches when and how to overlook offences done to us, when and how to talk to the other person or people, and when and how to get help when it is clear talking is either dangerous or has done no good.

JESUS SAID, ONE FINAL COMMAND I GIVE YOU — LOVE ONE ANOTHER

When Jesus issued his one final command that he repeated in different ways in John 13, 15 and 17, it was stated as both an imperative and subjunctive in the Greek grammar, meaning that it was not only a command, but it was a deep wish as well.  He said, “as I have loved you, so you must love one another.”  That’s a very high standard.  Jesus maintain this in John 17: 20-23, where he implored the disciples to be one, just as he and the Father are one.  That’s another tall order.  Just think of the evangelistic possibilities when worldly people see us Christians loving one another and solving our quarrels maturely.

SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE

Let me conclude this way by saying that we have a job and that God has a job.  Our job is to speak the truth in love. God’s job is to change hearts. And never the twain shall meet.

Photo by Rainier Ridao on Unsplash