One of the mysteries in relationships is just how we redeem trust when trust has been betrayed. Here are the seven A’s of confession, which are a formula for a sincere apology:
Address everyone involved
There is an assumption we may make that we only need to apologise to the person we directly hurt, but how often are innocent bystanders affected. Even those who are indirectly affected, including those who were implicated or embarrassed, deserve an apology. In family, business and church conflicts, public confessions are often appropriate, unless each one is identified and made personally. Anyone who was ‘put out’ has a claim upon an apology.
Avoid if, but, and maybe
“I’m sorry if you’re sorry.” “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have done what you did.” “I’m sorry. Maybe from now on, though, would you…” In each of these words—if, but, maybe—there is a conditionality that utterly destroys the faithful intent needed to convey a sincere apology.
Admit specifically
This is where a great deal of thoughtful reflection is needed. If we don’t understand exactly why the person we hurt is upset, we cannot hope to convince them that we care enough to reconcile the matter. When we apologise, we need to be able to say what it is specifically that we did wrong or should have done better.
Acknowledge the hurt
This is where the heart, empathy, and the ability to transact with the other person’s pain is essential. This, for me, is sincerity in a nutshell. The other person smells insincerity from a mile off. So, this has the power of convincing the other person we really understand and care but without it the apology begins to look thin, like “You don’t really know how much it hurt me, do you?” The ‘A’ is about having the spiritual strength to sit in the person’s pain with them.
Accept the consequences
This is where the rubber hits the road as far as our willingness to suffer for having done the wrong thing. Will they trust us again? This ‘A’ acknowledges that we have no control over whether they’ll trust us again or not. It also accepts that there’s a punishment due, and it’s the capacity to say, “Okay, I’m willing to accept whatever it is I can do to make it up to you.” This ‘A’ is about making amends.
Alter your behaviour
How many apologies are given without those apologising committing to not doing what they did again? But true apologies are that sincere there’s a promise that behaviour will change i.e. repentance. Nothing communicates sincerity like, “I will never do this to you again.” Such a promise is a serious undertaking. And when we do promise never to do that thing again it will also require significant time and effort to bring it to pass.
Ask for forgiveness
A distinctly Christian apology involves the request of forgiveness. “Will you forgive me,” without making the apology conditional on it. The great thing about asking for forgiveness is we put ourselves entirely at the other person’s mercy, and that, you will find, is the crucial part in making relationships work—that we place ourselves at others’ mercy. Of course, wherever this is consistently abused we ought to install boundaries and that kind of trust we rescind.
Please note that the language of apology only works with good effect when the other person, too, has the ability to apologise if or whenever they would need to.
Acknowledgement to PeaceWise ministry wisdom herein. Go to peacewise.org.au
Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash
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