Some years ago, when I had entered
into a helping relationship with a person, I became aware of a troubling pattern
in their demeanour. Just about every communication I had with this person
involved them using the word ‘sorry’. The problem was, I got the distinct
impression they were never actually genuinely sorry. Ever. Their saying sorry was
a habit; their ‘sorry’ seemed to mean something different to the meaning of the
word.
Unfortunately, this pattern of
caustic relational behaviour isn’t as uncommon as we’d like to think.
For some people, ‘sorry’ is part of
a transaction. It buys them the other person’s favour. The person who hears
‘sorry’ often feels obligated to forgive. Even
if ‘sorry’ is used from the motive of manipulation. This skews the
appropriate intention of the word.
The true test of whether someone
actually feels sorry is to press them a little. A good illustration of this
comes from my marriage. If I’d done the wrong thing, in apologising, my wife
used to ask me what I was sorry for. She was checking whether I was genuine,
but she was also checking what level of understanding I had regarding my
misdemeanour. More than once I had to do some more thinking! Was I really sorry?
There is nothing wrong with questioning someone
further
after they have said ‘sorry’.
after they have said ‘sorry’.
If they’re genuinely remorseful,
they will sense the opportunity to transact with you to establish
understanding. On the other hand, if someone says, “Hey, wait a minute, I just
said sorry to you…” (in other words, “I just said sorry, so now you must
forgive me”) be very well aware that they’re not truly sorry at all. We have to
watch ourselves, though, that we don’t exasperate someone who is genuinely
penitent. But there’s nothing wrong with a little gentle pushback. If someone
resists that kind of process check, they probably need to do a bit more
thinking about whether they’re really honest about using the word ‘sorry’.
When Sorry Means Something
Sorry means something when ‘sorry’
stays ‘sorry’.
What I mean is this: the issue
anyone says sorry about they’re always
sorry about. It was wrong that they did it. And it will always be wrong. It is
on record as wrong. Nothing they can do will absolve that unless, in having
said sorry, they’re forgiven.
It’s the person who forgives who absolves the
sin.
‘Sorry’, in and of itself, is no absolution. The person who is given
the opportunity to forgive another’s transgression is the one who ought to hold
the power. They have been wronged. For the relationship to be restored, things
need to be evened up.
‘Sorry’ means something when the
person saying sorry throws themselves upon the mercy of the person they’ve
transgressed. It’s the only time ‘sorry’ means anything. And then the power in
this word materialises. It says to the other person, “I want this relationship, and I’m prepared to relate with you in
truth, and need you to know that my love for you means more than protecting my
ego, and our relationship is worth me being vulnerable enough to help restore
‘us’.”
~
The moral to this article is
simple: don’t be the person who says
sorry and doesn’t mean it. It’s a very powerful word in the English
language and anytime we don’t mean it, we employ manipulation which is
relational cancer.
It’s even more a manipulation when
people use ‘sorry’ very regularly and expect
to be forgiven. There are two sins of manipulation there. Healthy relationships
with people like this are practically impossible.
The ultimate in maturity is the
capacity to be wrong and own that reality.
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