Where I am, I’ve been before
Knocking, knocking, at Your Door.
Each time I knock, I ask again
Why do I feel like I’m going insane?
Each time I’ve been here before Your throne
I’ve been unable to unpack my grief on my own.
They tell me that You are there, alright
But why can’t faith be done by sight?
Why does each ‘helper’ only offer advice?
Why can’t they just say something nice?
I wonder who You truly are, Lord
I truly wish within me, You were adored.
How can life have thrown this curveball at me?
I can’t cope with this grief, can’t life see?
Is there nobody who truly does care
Why does life seem so darn unfair?
Is there truly any purpose in being pushed this far?
Surely God doesn’t work this bizarre!
I ask You, Lord, what can I do?
What of my experience can You show me is true?
Someone told me true faith’s forged through trial
But how do I get there when I can’t help denial?
Can You help me see my purpose in this pain?
To believe in the sunshine in the presence of the rain.
Give me some assurance to keep holding fast
Show me in Your Glory that this pain won’t last.
Maybe I’m coming to know You for real
Just protect me right now so the enemy won’t steal.
I think I understand I’ll never understand
Help me to trust You have my life in hand.
These are the serious meditations of someone enduring the winter season of grief, however long it lasts, in their unique context. Grief, by its nature, will undo us, but there is hope in this: God often needs to deconstruct us before His Spirit sets about the resurrection and restoration process. We can generally only accept this truth when we are a good part through the process. Until then it’s all faith.
The kind of sentiment shown in this poem is real and raw and true and needs to be validated, as part of the godly process for the restoration of a broken heart. It can seem to the uninitiated that the doubting lacks faith, but quite the reverse is happening. Doubting in the Presence of God is part of a wrestle that is biblically backed and God honoured.
There is something more precious that God is giving to us for whom life has no answer.
It is amazing how the hearts of those in pain so readily identify with the surrender in forgiveness, because they know and believe that the sacrifice of forgiveness is worth the sacrifice of their pain.
When the pain of grief becomes too much to bear
the sacrifice of forgiveness is what we are prepared to wear.