Photo by Rachel Walker on Unsplash
GUILT is a common emotional
response in the family context — parents for children, siblings with each
other, children for parents, etc.
The core of the issue relates to
when we cannot influence or control others and where we feel responsible for
them. Correcting both these errors is about accepting the limitedness of our influence,
that control ought not to be our goal, and that we cannot ever be responsible for other people — no matter
who they or we are.
They have their own will and they
will make their own mistakes, and who is to say we’re right in our judgments?
Oh, the myriad times we thought, in our data-poverty, we were so right, when we
were actually dead wrong!
The tenet of this advice is to come
back to what we, ourselves, are
responsible for.
We feel guilty on the one hand when we feel responsible for others, when we
fail them, yet on the other hand we judge
them when they don’t meet our expectations. Neither they nor we can win, and
the relationship has the eventual object of losing and loss. Such a dynamic can
only propagate negative attributions and emotions, where feelings of betrayal and
bitterness abound.
It would be better to free
ourselves and the other person/s, acknowledging we’re not responsible for them,
nor are they responsible for us.
When finally we’re free of this
burden of discharging an impossible or an unlikely duty, we’re enabled to feel compassionate. The taint of guilt
is gone, and the love is enhanced.
Healing deep family wounds is about
replacing guilt with compassion by understanding what we’re responsible for as
opposed to whom we’re responsible to.
Love offers those we love the
opportunity to make mistakes with our permission and blessing of compassion.
Replace guilt with compassion so judgment
and condemnation can make way for peace.
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