When Chaos Strikes – Dealing With The Unexplained

I deduce a fair amount of what people are thinking from how I see them behave. Psychologically, it’s simple observation. Watch body language for any length of time and you can determine more of what you might see. I think it’s fascinating to watch and predict; sometimes I’ll be right and other times I’ll be quite surprised. It’s an imperfect but reasonable science. People’s intentions are normally telegraphed in what they do, and how they do it.

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For example, I encountered a light work truck just the other day on my way to work. The first thing I observed was it overtook me just after the corner we had both just turned. The interesting thing I noted straight away was the large sticker the work truck displayed on its tailgate: “Practice Safety Now,” it read. I was intrigued at this point, and continued to follow the work truck looking for further cues in driver behaviour that would align with either the safety message displayed or the unsafe overtaking behaviour I had just witnessed.

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I was captivated by what I continued to see. There was a mix of behaviours that indicated that the driver might have been aware that he was meant to drive safely, but he didn’t really know how to achieve this in totality. He was a young driver. He might have been in a hurry. At times he seemed in a hurry, and at other times over the twenty kilometre trip he didn’t. His behaviour was perplexing. It wasn’t consistent with one way or the other.

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Reflecting later, I determined that this young man could have been experiencing an onset of a form of mental chaos. A lack of patience and ability to sit with the “tension” of a situation will lead to various mental, emotional, and spiritual chaoses. In the same way, not knowing how to behave consistently in a given situation reveals chaos in the cognitive processes. A dissonance occurs. Sometimes it’s because we are asked to behave a certain way, perhaps for safety, and yet it is not explained why we are to behave this way – we just have to do it.

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I wonder if this was the case for this young man. Was he expected to drive safely yet hadn’t been correctly motivated (trained) in how to achieve it? I tend to think that in order to behave safely we need to understand “why” among other things. It also means knowing when and how to deal with chaos patiently. When the brain’s processes are confused we need to bring in a higher level of thinking: “neocortex” thinking. It’s in these regions we can rationalise many sources of conflicting information, but we invariably need time to analyse things properly; we need to delay processing. It doesn’t always work in the heat of the moment where many safety battles are fought mentally, and either won or lost for the cause of individual or group safety.

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This is where training comes in. The trouble is the training of today (i.e. traditional training) is a bit of a joke; there’s a 2-day course in something and then you wonder why the person hasn’t changed when they returned to work. We lose it almost straight away. Training someone to behave safely requires a journey with that person. They need to be mentored and it can take years.

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Motivating people to deal with the inevitable chaos that comes requires explanation in anticipation of it. When we anticipate things, particularly what we’d call the ‘abnormal’ things that bring on chaotic feelings, we can plan to respond in the appropriate way. It requires explanation. It’s “When this happens, do this” philosophy. Then it’s a matter of practise. Train in the knowledge, and then in the skill i.e. in the application of the knowledge in the situation.

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When people are trained properly, and they are supported by the right culture, they normally respond very well.

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© 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Where Are You On The Emotional Intelligence Continuum?

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EI) is said to be the combination of:

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• Self-awareness;
• Self-management;
• Social awareness – empathy; and,
• Relationship management.

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Where are you on the Self-Social Awareness / Self-Relationship Management Continuum? Do you...

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1. Hurt people at will and not think any more about it or say sorry. The basic attitude is, ‘It’s their fault.’ This is ‘unconscious incompetence.’ In other words, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” It’s ignorance either by choice or not.

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2. Hurt people at will, then regret it perhaps a day later, but still not say sorry. You live with the ill feeling, and by virtue of your lack of action you leave ‘them’ with it too. This is the beginnings of ‘conscious incompetence.’ Suddenly you’re becoming more socially aware. Yet, you’re still unable to do anything about it.

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3. Hurt people “unintentionally” and see it basically straight away, but fumble with the situation. You see you’re wrong but can’t help them or you with resolution. You feel guilty. You are still in the ‘consciously incompetent’ stage.

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4. Hurt people without meaning to and regret it straight away, and then you actually do something to remedy it; though perhaps later. This is the beginning of the transition from ‘conscious incompetence’ to ‘conscious competence’ in the realm of social awareness and self-management.

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5. Adjust as you’re about to unintentionally hurt someone. Before you hurt them, you pull yourself (and your proposed speech or action) back. In other words, you’re ‘consciously competent’ with others’ feelings. You catch the words as or before they escape forever.

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6. Not hurt others. You’re so aware most of the time that essentially others’ feelings are safe with you. You could consider yourself ‘unconsciously competent.’ Another way of putting it would be, you’ve mastered the skill of reflecting in the moment.

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If you featured mainly in the 5/6 range you are demonstrating what could be called ‘distinctive’ competence in Emotional Intelligence. You have groomed a character that is rare these days. Your self-awareness and social competence is sought after, and it leaves its impression on others; they can’t help but notice ‘you are different.’ You are said to be respectful, friendly, mature, and considerate. If you’re in this bracket you still need to maintain your EI, however.

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It’s something to strive for in life. EI, unlike most other forms of intelligence, can be developed. It can be perfected more and more. In theory, and by virtue of the fact we’re human, there’s no limit to how much our EI might be developed. Now, if you give yourself more of a 3/4 rating you’re certainly on the right track, but you might need to search for ways to develop your EI further, for instance, through a leadership program, mentoring, or reading EI-style books.

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There are literally millions of places to get good EI material to ‘feed on’ these days. As you learn and grow you’ll find yourself developing a sense of discernment for this material, knowing instinctually what’s good and what’s not so good. Simply exercise choice. Less is best. Good quality material is good to meditate and muse on. Daniel Goleman (1995, 1998) is one of the foremost gurus on the subject.

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It’s been said that you can have four (4) PhD’s and still not know really a thing about EI. And it’s true unfortunately. What is wonderful however is when the much learned person applies the learning potential in developing themselves in an entirely different way, the personal EI way. Conversely, the person who develops EI can also deploy these skills in the development of knowledge. It’s then only a matter of time before you can earn that degree or doctorate you’ve always wanted!

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Here’s a challenge I give to both academics and novices alike, especially those who may have reached dizzy heights. It’s to enter into a personal growth journey. And it’s to not only improve their own ‘quality’ of life, but it’s also to enhance others’ lives so much through the quality of education, character and influence they have. Powerful people must understand the power of their influence. It needs to be used positively. It needs to be used to serve people.

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I believe we’ve failed as human beings if we haven’t spent our lives driving toward achieving the “6” rating on this scale; to become unconsciously competent at treating others with irrefutable and utmost respect; and for it to be first, not second nature.

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When we reach ‘this place,’ we are nothing short of inspiring to those around us, and this effect is infectious. Love oozes out of every situation and we feel simply alive! Can you imagine working or living in an environment where everyone is on the “same ‘EI’ page?” I think that would be the pinnacle of living.

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Let me give you an example of this type of environment in real life, though an example from the ancient Near East, during the first Century of the Common Era.

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They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. (Acts 2:42-47 NIV)

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What do you think? Could it be that God is the missing dimension in developing EI? Can it be that God can give the right drive and motivation for loving and serving our fellow human beings? Is it that the person of Jesus, no matter what you currently think of him, is the way to the humility, generosity, and selflessness that’s required in your life to attain a higher level of EI?

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It’s such a pity to see an otherwise fully developed older person who’s emotionally unintelligent. Not only does it affect them personally, but it has widespread ramifications for anyone close to them; in the extreme cases it’s responsible for damage and abuse that leaves a mark on the affected lives of loved ones.

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If you want success and a future for your loved ones it’s foreboding to not commit to EI from today!

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© 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Not the “Means;” It’s The End And Purpose of Life Itself: Wisdom

Can we formularise life? Can we make up or discover a system that can guide us? Nothing is perfect. Only God’s perfect. But we can venture into Wisdom and find within it an ideal ally and companion for life. I’m proposing there are seven (7) key virtues of life (“principal values”) that can guide us in growth toward the goal of a healthy, fulfilling life that seeks to live now, and also leave behind a lovely legacy. Combined, these principal values form a neat philosophy for personal growth and development. I am writing a book on this philosophy and it’s draft title is, “What is truth?”

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Wisdom is not simply the means to life. It’s an end in itself. God is wisdom, as he is love, as he is truth, as he is light, as he is salvation, and as he is grace, among the many other things he is. We are told wisdom existed prior to Creation. It was the first of God’s works. It is God’s nature. Therefore, if we want to make sense of life we need to see this as the key to it all.

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We also need to know that acquiring wisdom requires a search, and a lifelong search at that! The depths of wisdom cannot be plumbed. As we search we will just keep finding more and more; much like a wealth of a certain resource in a mine. Using the mining analogy, we might have to employ varying techniques to get at the “ore” of wisdom and retrieve it, as well as finding varying qualities of this “ore” as we go. Some of our “finds” in this search are simply breathtaking, like the discovery of a large gold nugget or gemstone. Sometimes it is simply hard going, but we know we need to endure these times in order to discover more. Wisdom proves itself miraculous in life. It’s worth more than fine silver and gold.

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The seven principal values are: diligence, prudence, shalom (which is a “whole peace”), balance, trust, respect, and wisdom, are all interdependent on each other—as one is activated and dealt with, so are the others, at least in some small way. In other words, if we improve one, we will slightly (at least) improve the others. (There is a Model in the book “What is truth?” that shows the interrelationship of these seven principal values with Wisdom and truth.)

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Let’s dive in at the deep end with an illustration of the interdependence...

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It can be shown that if we apply trust, which can be demonstrated in many ways, like being courageous, having faith etc, we become beneficiaries of more shalom. It takes prudence and diligence to trust – it’s not just hard work (diligence) to begin with, and it takes some self-control (prudence) to trust. It takes wisdom to be patient. Patience is a big part of trust. To trust means being honest; again, honesty is an intrinsic act of courage. To forgive anyone means we must trust, and in this way we also show respect for the person we forgive. To effectively trust we must be reasonably balanced in life. If our life is in chaos it will be more difficult to trust. Balance promotes the ability to trust. Lastly, we simply cannot implement wisdom living without a whole lot of trust.

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What about another principal value?

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Take shalom. To receive shalom, or as I like to put it, to “achieve shalom,” in the moment, we have to do our work (diligence), be careful about what we say and do (prudence), and we must have balance in life; we must trust God (have faith); we must be respectful; and, we need to attend to overall wisdom living, which is a summarisation of all these in any event. Shalom is always a moment-by-moment proposition. So, these principal values interact with it in a moment-by-moment way.

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I have just shown the interdependence of the other six principal values with trust firstly, and then with shalom secondly. It works with each of the others as well.

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Let’s now break the principal values down in a different way. It’s a way that illustrates the special holistic nature of this system of thinking or philosophy.

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It covers three key life functions or situations that recur over and again:

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1. Personal mastery: diligence and prudence;

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2. Life-givers: shalom and balance; and,

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3. Social awareness relationship enhancers: trust and respect.

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Now, this theory posits that we need access to both personal mastery values and life-giving values to tap into the social awareness relationship enhancers, trust and respect. Again, interdependence. We could transpose the formula and it would work out true too.

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All three lead to, and complement and enhance, wisdom. They ‘add up’ to wisdom.

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Personal Mastery: Diligence and Prudence

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Diligence and prudence come first because they are personal. They impact us personally, and are most noticeably created or developed (one is [i.e. ‘you’] diligent or prudent) because of personal reasons, drives, and motivations.

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Diligence is order; an appreciation of the need for diligence to create order in life. It is being resolute and seeking resolution in all situations, working with tenacity, industry, and a focus on definable action. It is commitment and a firm intent, based on a heart for righteousness, and an unreligious piety which is dutifulness; a focus on carefulness; a rejection of haste. Other applicable adjectives as personal characteristics are: responsible, dependability, discipline, obedience, and leadership.

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Prudence is primarily self-control over what enters and leaves the mouth, and a heart that reflects same. Everything in prudence can be rated on eating/intake and communication. It’s taking care to be silent in tenuous times, adherence to temperance, moderation in all things, discretion and finery; it’s always inoffensive and impossible to offend. Proverbs mentions that the prudent: overlook insults; act out of knowledge and not from their own opinion; give thought and consideration to their ways and steps; always think and act with the humility in heeding correction; seek refuge in dangerous situations; and, have a constant awareness of one’s context and environment.

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Diligence and prudence are the centre-most character qualities that others look for in making judgments about us. They assess our character critically on these values first; on how diligent and prudent we are. If we are branded “lazy” or a “gossip” it has relevance personally. These are character attacks that speak most cogently to our levels of competence (or lack thereof) regarding both diligence and prudence.

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If we are feeling personally fulfilled it will be largely because we consider that we’ve been diligent and prudent in our attitude and behaviour. Our self-image and self-esteem is buoyed this way. These are key personal values, which have a tremendous impact on the next two. These two come first.

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Life-givers: Shalom and Balance

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Shalom and balance go together because they are both life-giving. Though they are subtly (and importantly) different, they are highly interdependent with each other and the key to life today — the present age. If there was ever a time when we have lost focus on these it’s now!

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Shalom is many things, and not simply “peace.” It’s even a feeling of completeness, and a thorough sense of self-awareness. It’s tranquillity and harmony, a total absence of discord, and absolutely no cognitive dissonance. It’s the most important and best state for a human being to achieve. It’s simply heaven on earth.

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If we have shalom it will be because of our level of life balance. The contra is applicable.

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Balance is the thing that is missing in much of life today—it’s much more than simply “work/life balance.” It’s that and more. It’s also about autonomy and being (able to be kept) accountable. A balanced life uses time wisely and considers the various priorities and impacts of time; it’s a “focused life.” It protects our accessibility. It’s self-empowerment to be able to do things well, all the time. It’s consistently high performance. It protects and enhances vitality.

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Relationship-enhancers: Trust and Respect

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Trust and Respect also go together and come last before Wisdom and are both relational. Again, these are highly interdependent on each other; if one does not respect people, trust is not afforded back in those relationships. If you don’t trust someone, they are unlikely to respect you — it’s a very reciprocal arrangement.

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Trust is love never failing, and a seeking for kindness. It’s the grace to forgive and forget, gratitude in all things, and acceptance of things that cannot be changed. It’s also the detachment of one to one’s desires, openness to all good things, a call to perseverance, and it’s also never losing hope.

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Respect is a seeking for justice and righteousness, sincerity, and giving honour to all people; it’s listening more than what would normally be expected, as well as an unquestioned integrity, driven by humility, compassion, empathy, and fairness, at any cost; it’s consideration whenever it is due, and even sometimes when it is not, and tolerance for all people; it’s being socially intelligent.

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Not the “Means;” It’s The End And Purpose of Life Itself: Wisdom

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Finally, wisdom is separated out as unique and special. Nothing is like wisdom. Wisdom is truth; the way things are. Wisdom and truth are both synonymous and highly interchangeable.

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Truth is wisdom; longevity based in truth — it works always — being grounded in it. Striving for health and wellbeing, a true wholesomeness based in the right fear of God, seeking to understand rather than be understood. It’s both and simultaneously eternal and transitory in perspective; it’s the totality of true perspective. It’s a right curiosity and a true appreciation of beauty and excellence.

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Wisdom is as broad as life, and many would suggest infinitely broader than even that.

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We look at wisdom from purely a life-perspective, however. (We take into account only this aspect of wisdom. Theologically and practically, wisdom is as broad as “Creation.”) Wisdom provides the three keys[1] to life: long life and its associated benefits, prosperity in its different forms, and honour, which is your name, fame, and reputation—it’s what you will take to Heaven; the only thing perhaps.

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So, this philosophy is the answer to the question: “What is truth?” For when it’s all been said and done, there’s just one thing that matters: living for truth. Did you or didn’t you? That will be the question asked of you. Even at the 11th hour you may not have been, but it’s the finish that counts. Will you finish strongly?

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The application of these seven principal values can catapult anyone into character growth and development that seeks only for truth; reality at any cost, even to the expense of the individual concerned. Because there is something more important than personal comfort and ease; it’s pleasing God. You can only come to know real peace, joy and love through a relationship with God.

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What is truth? This question is, in my opinion, the key to the purpose of life; a life, again in my opinion, that is only available through a true Spirit-filled relationship with Jesus Christ; only he can effectively answer our innermost searching questions and satisfy our deepest longings.

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With him, and him alone, truth is available; truth that finally and powerfully sets us free.

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© 2008 Steven John Wickham. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] See Proverbs 3:2, 16; 21:21; 22:4.

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Get over yourself!

I find it so frustrating to encounter people who cannot 'get over themselves.'

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Let me get to the point. I find that some people are so 'into themselves' they talk incessantly about either how good they are, or about their favourite things - as if your things never mattered. Whatever you might have to contribute to the conversation is "obviously" not as important, relevant or worthy... it's all about them, their work, their achievements, their egos!

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Sounds like I have a chip on my shoulder doesn't it? I guess I do. I struggle for the main part trying to rationalise in my own mind how supposedly mature people/Christians do this. Especially Christians! How they bring discredit and dishonour to the name of the Lord Jesus Christ! Yet, they refuse to see it... does this remind you of a deadly sin? Yes, it's pride. It's arrogance and purposeful ignorance; like the proverbial fool, they refuse to learn. They can't possibly learn any more than the limited amount they have because they're "full" already. No more room in the Inn!

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I'm giving my life in service of character growth and development. The major benefactor here is of course, me. Yet, it's others I wish to serve and learn from.

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I will continue patiently enduring these people who are pumped full of pride. It's every Christ-seeking person's responsibility to do this. It's not as if I deserve a medal for this. It's just service out of love and worship of the Lord, my God. I want God's way, no matter the pain that this desire brings me personally. I don't care. There are times when perhaps God might bring in a real test (as he is inclined to do!) and that will challenge me; these words are fully open to the test... can I succeed by maintaining my diligence and vigilance? Time will tell. As Jesus says in Matthew 11:19... For me at least, this is probably the most compelling Scripture passage around Wisdom:

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"But wisdom is proved right by her actions."

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Jesus is saying in effect, wisdom is truth. The opposite is also true. Whatever happens, however people act and behave, comes essentially from the heart of truth. We do selfish and evil things because our hearts are selfish and evil.

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Why do we need God? John 3:19 answers this question: "This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness..."

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Can anyone KNOW Christ yet not be compelled to utterly smash the sin of pride in themselves? I don't think so. It's not my experience. Being born again means you've seen the Light once and for all and you'll never ever be the same... praise be to God!

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You cannot stay as you are and KNOW Christ. When you know Christ, you can't continue in your complacency. I look at many people and how they behave and wonder why they don't suddenly cringe when they are full of pride... full of themselves. I know that when it surfaces in me, it makes me cringe basically every time and I don't have the option of repenting or not. I lose my peace, my shalom, and I just must sort it out, say sorry, and move on without the chip of pride. It's the only way back to life, and I can't handle my life without the life of Christ.

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I'll never be perfect, thank goodness. I know that by conveying my true thoughts like this will have some people accuse me (at least mentally) of being full of pride myself. I know differently and I believe God does too.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

Chaos Can Be Your Friend

You remember a time I’m sure where you felt that everything in life was completely out of control and you were at your wits end, ready to explode in fury. Or was it a time when you felt so confused and disorganised that nothing made sense and you felt like you were going insane?
Chaos. We need to get rid of it right? Establish some order; get some semblance of structure back into things... no way! The ability to live with it, in the moment, and go with it, is the stuff of character.

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Don’t get me wrong. Unending, constant chaos is not what I’m talking about.

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I’m suggesting that if we develop the ability to dwell in the chaos, which brings discomfort and a level of mental pain, we can grow much more and in much more dynamic ways than if we choose the same old staid ways.

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Can you endure some pain, the pain of present chaos, patiently? The Bible, for one spiritual book, talks about enduring the painful, chaotic patiently. It’s a spiritual norm mostly. Most religions discuss the same attitude. It’s about drawing on the resources that are already within you. Resources of the Spirit. These resources have potential to grow like you would not believe. But it’s true. Nurture them and grow them in patience, enduring the pains of the present moment.

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This is probably the most empowering spiritual principles there this. Just think, if you can deal with this type of adversity, you can deal with anything! It’s truly marvellous. In the Bible the Apostle Paul says we are more than conquerors though Jesus who loves us. He takes us through the chaos if we let him. The more people come against us, the more we have God’s power to ‘endure through’ it.

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In another part of the Bible, James compels us to “Consider it pure joy” when we face trials of all kinds... why? Because it builds patient endurance and character and maturity in us. It’s that simple.

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This is part of the purpose of life.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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Facilitation and Presentation Keys – Manage Behaviour, Not The Content

Ever totally blown a presentation to a customer or client that you thought was going to be a clear winner? Ever completely misread the social and interpersonal dynamic of the group you’ve sought to influence? What about character assessment? Have you ever been surprised at the reactions that you’ve witnessed to the proposal you made?

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Isn’t it astounding on reflection how often we fail to make the impact we’d desired with an otherwise powerful presentation? It’s perplexing to only find later we’ve gone overboard on the preparation of the content and not prepared adequately in relation to who’s actually there, and their possible reactions to the material. We’re clearly talking psychology here.

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It’s frustrating to know we’ve blown our opportunity. The same opportunity will never return. It can mean the difference between getting a job, winning an important tender or contract, or creating the vital change necessary to that system or process, and not succeeding at all, finding your way right back to the ‘drawing board.’

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The concept here is very simple: Manage behaviours, not the content. If you are the content expert, the task of content is a given; it’s assumed. Don’t agonise over it. Just ensure all the right data and facts are in there, that it’s logical and balanced.

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The rest of your time, effort and money should be invested in three things: the interrelationship between 1) you; 2) your content; and 3) your audience.

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Focus on what you know of each individual who’ll be represented at the presentation or facilitated session. Try and envision what might occur, creating a mind-picture, especially regarding issues and problems. Foresee curly questions. Don’t simply work out ‘pat’ answers for questions, but work on empathising with each person’s issues. ‘Seek first to understand’ as Stephen Covey might put it. Be open and non-defensive; remember you are the ‘supplier’ and you want to supply what they want. It’s not about you, it’s about them!

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During the early part of the presentation it’s critical to establish your credibility to talk on or address the subject. What makes you qualified to have an opinion anyway? You need to tell them. Make sure you speak confidently and truthfully about the knowledge, skills, and experience you have to earn the right to be heard and considered. Even if they know you, it’s important to cover some of the history so you can show you know the status quo. Do this and you might just save yourself from having to answer a ‘curly question’ because it’s assumed you don’t know.

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Set ground rules, but no more than two or three as the session will get bogged down. Do it collaboratively with the group. Ask, “Would you be okay if we...” as you put ground rules to them, whilst looking for body language to suggest agreement or disagreement. Go with the body language. A good ground rule to begin with could be around questions; when they’re okay, one at a time, etc. One person speaking at a time is also good, and this can also be hedged in with the rule that while you are facilitator or presenter, you have control of the group whilst the presentation or session is in progress. This can be communicated in the way you manage the group and often doesn’t need to be said. It can be risky to suggest you’re in control, though in reality, you need this sort of control and influence to be successful. Be assertive in your leadership.

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Structure the delivery of information so that it appeals to all personality types in the room; you should address facts, ideas, emotions, and analysis. And make sure you have a powerful introduction and conclusion; most presentations fail because of a weak ending. You can recover from a weak middle-part with a strong finish. Stories and anecdotes are good as they enrich the personal imagery for each person present, and it engages the neural heart and stomach. Don’t be afraid of using pictures instead of words. Simply encourage creativity. People love to be entertained and taken on a journey.

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Focus on group dynamics, and build rapport. If there are any dysfunctional behaviours exhibited in the group you should try your best to objectively and subtly nip them in the bud. Address them as they come. Don’t risk the presentation by letting it get out of hand. Don’t be afraid of naming the “elephant in the room.” It’s a good idea to get this out of the way, besides nothing else will help your credibility more than being brutally, but above all respectfully, honest. It shows you’ve got character to challenge this and not side step it like the typical ‘jelly fish’ would.

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To summarise, don’t get fixated about your content; trust your own knowledge and ability as it will get you over the line. The great unknown is your audience. Take time to prepare for them. Be assertive which is simply: ‘lead by taking care of their concerns without buckling.’

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Presenting and facilitating is fun. It’s working with people, and you never know quite what you’ll get. All the more reason to prepare for the unexpected!

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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Meeting Destiny – Embracing The Sea Of Opportunity

PREPARATION IS THE KEY to life. Let me use a common everyday example to illustrate the point. At a train station recently, a middle-aged woman was in front of me fumbling with her handbag and in a panicked state trying to feed a $20 note into the ticket machine. A station officer approaches to see if he can assist, and he can’t. Getting frustrated at the station officer she leaves fuming to find out that the machine takes only smaller notes.

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I observe her as she leaves and she is very distressed. It was too late to offer her change for her money; I didn’t have the presence of mind in any event. The issue at its root cause is she didn’t prepare her journey well enough. She didn’t make/take the time to ensure she could get onto the train uninhibited. And this is so true to life for us all. We all end up getting caught out because we run out of time, revealing we haven’t planned effectively enough. It happens sooner or later, and more to some than to others. There’s a wisdom lesson here. Those who prepare well, go better in life.

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Actor Denzel Washington has said, “Luck is where opportunity meets preparation.” In other words, there’s no such thing as luck – we’re in the right place at the right time because we have prepared for the opportunity and were able to embrace it. We planned and saw ahead. The opportunities of life await, and they occur, and they wait for no person. When we’re prepared it’s great, when we’re not it causes us to panic as if the world were coming to an end. Most of the time the only consequence is we ‘have to catch the next train.’ I’m sure you’d agree it’s rarely enough to panic for. But we hate to be caught unprepared.

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I want to suggest that this idea, the one of ‘opportunity meeting preparation,’ is very similar to the theory of personal mastery I’ve written about previously.

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There are three stages that define both ideas.

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One: There is something we “can do.” It is to prepare. It is also in personal mastery terms accepting the current reality. Both things we “can do.”

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Two: There is something that “comes.” It is the opportunity. It is also in personal mastery terms the vision of personal mastery. Both come to us; we can create the circumstances that they come, by either setting up other things to support the presentation of the opportunity, and also by ‘visioning’ the idea of personal mastery at the individual, personal level.

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Three: Then there is the “outcome.” The former idea suggests that ‘luck’ can be the outcome. Like when someone says of you getting something you wanted, “You were lucky.” It is also the achievement of personal mastery. I suppose in theory, we never entirely and ultimately ‘get there,’ but in essence we achieve certain levels of personal mastery.

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Preparation is the key to life. It demonstrates:

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1. Wisdom through the foresight of seeing ahead and planning for the perceived eventualities;

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2. Patience through faith and courage to invest time, which at times is done without the guarantee of a return; and

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3. Diligence that’s prepared to do what is needed to be done.

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Preparation’s benefits are peace and well-being i.e. shalom. It gives us the opportunity for a balanced life; a life lived in true perspective.

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Perspective in turn is life-giving promoting every good virtue. It brings us to but the very beginning of a wonderful spiritual journey and reality. As the saying goes, ‘The best is yet to come’ for such a person on such a journey.

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As Baden Powell and the cub scouts movement used to say, “Be prepared.”

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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Gaining Personal Mastery Through Silence and Solitude

It is heart space for today’s leader. The silence and solitude that time so ill affords is paradoxically such a necessary component for the busy leader in demand. There is one thing for sure, a disquieted heart trembling with fear, stress and anxiety is not a good accompaniment for anyone with drive to succeed in their mission or calling of life.

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I want to explore what it means to have personal mastery, spiritual peace, and relative enlightenment, within the context of silence and solitude. These two concepts are interwoven.

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Gordon MacDonald says we need to tend our inner garden, our inner world[1] – we need to get away from the noise of life, routinely and regularly. He tells of Mother Teresa’s famous quote, “God is the friend of silence.”[2] MacDonald says we need times of “rhythmic withdrawal.”[3] We don’t like it; we’re uncomfortable with silence and aloneness. But, we can “nurture silence” in our noisy hearts if we “value it, cherish it, and are eager to nourish it.”[4] To ‘reach’ this cherished “inner garden” of our souls takes at least fifteen minutes of resisting and fighting everything that will try to keep up from that goal.[5] It simply doesn’t feel good initially, and MacDonald even admits he’ll never adjust – it’ll be a lifetime struggle.

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Those who take a day out of their busy schedules once a week to restore, refresh, revive, and re-vitalise, will benefit enormously from it spiritually – along with spinoffs in physical, mental and emotional spheres of life. The benefits continue to grow over time. Using part of this day to have a “desert experience” of silence and solitude is the key. The Russians have a term for it. A ‘Poustinia’ is a small space, typically a cabin, used for prayer and fasting and silence before God. Catherine de Hueck Doherty says the following in her book of the same title, Poustinia:

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“It seems strange to say, but what can help modern man find the answers to his own mystery and the mystery of him in whose image he is created, is silence, solitude – in a word, the desert [emphasis in original]. Modern man needs these things more than the hermits of old.”[6]

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We can transpose Doherty’s quote today very quickly and say post-modern people (being gender inclusive) have more of a need for silence and solitude than ever before. This is the key to healthy and balanced mental, emotional, and spiritual life. Never before has the world seemed more transient, more rushed, or more unsettled. Change is a feature of life in the 21st Century. It is often unwelcome, so we need a way of coping with it that’s sustainable.

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Personal mastery through silence and solitude is the way to simultaneous healthy detachment and deep involvement. A leader needs to be involved with their people, but to be ‘most available’ they need to be able to ‘withdraw’ from the demands of life, and find that “cell” or quiet place to meditate and be alone. It can help in what Peter Senge[7] says is the critical step in the process of achieving personal mastery. “People committed to continually developing personal mastery practice some form of meditation.”[8]

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Personal mastery is an amazing theory. It is the “discipline of continually clarifying and deepening our personal vision, of focusing our energies, of developing patience, and of seeing reality objectively.”[9] In short, it is the ability to assimilate, work with, and acknowledge and accept truth, both personally and totally. Another way of putting it would be achieving maturity. The Apostle Paul put it this way, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”[10] It is seeing the world for what it really is; and having an attitude of complete acceptance. We can’t achieve personal mastery without visiting the “cell” as Dave Fleming calls it.

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“Cell-less leaders” according to Fleming, do not make time for reflection.[11] In a role that must envision and plan for the future, it is critically important to use the past, and be able to reflect on it as a platform for the future. Leaders who are learners seek lessons from their past, from the environment of reflection. “Cell-less leaders” do not do this well, and this can have serious consequences for their key family and friendship relationships—those key personal support networks that are so foundationally vital in ensuring all bodes well, for the leader and all his/her subordinates. It is the family and key friendship relationships that suffer most when the leader doesn’t reflect – and this has the effect of rebounding onto the key leadership relationships with sub-ordinates.

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The “Cell” is also required to help keep the heart pure and unadulterated from the more poisonous influences of life. A healthy “cell” life provides both flexibility and vigilance (diligence), so that the delicate balance can be maintained and we can continue in spiritual wakefulness.[12] The truth is the “shallow me doesn’t want the rest of me to discover that the shallow me is an illusion that must be evacuated.”[13] The process of the Poustinia or the Cell is necessary; vital in reconciliation with self. Fleming says, as MacDonald indicated earlier, the “stark cell” forces us to “continue in the inevitable discomfort it brings [then we will have] the courage to let go of the illusion.”[14]

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This brings in with it the principle of shalom. It can be variously defined as peace, abundance, and wellbeing — all of which are signs of the good life lived in harmony with God and God’s creation.[15] Further, shalom is worldly order, or better, universal order. God has set up an order and a ‘shalom,’ which is easily disturbed—“a balance that can be upset.”[16] The goal is congruence and knowledge of that which is not good so it can be safely discarded. At once, shalom is achieved.

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Assuming the value of silence and solitude is incontrovertible, let us focus more clearly on this concept of personal mastery. It’s been said that it is the ‘creative tension’ between the current reality and the vision the person holds for the future.[17] The vision draws us from the present situation toward the perceived goal. This is a passionate commitment to growth by “learning how to generate and sustain creative tension in our lives.”[18] Senge believes that meditative practices can augment productivity of the subconscious mind.

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No one can quantify the power of established personal mastery. It is basically unlimited in what it offers the person who can embrace the principle of maintaining the creative tension required. It’s the ability to create the future direction toward the main goal and have knowledge of the gap, its size and design, whilst having the ability to ‘get there.’ That’s enough to fight for more of it. It’s a sure process in the achievement of your most desired goals.

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To summarise, the key is to:
- Find time and the place to meditate or reflect in silence and solitude;

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This is to:
- Continually clarify and deepen your personal vision or goals – make a choice to search for those things that are really important to you;

- Focus energy;

- Develop patience in the midst of trying circumstances; and

- See reality objectively – to be fully aware of the moment you’re in.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] Gordon MacDonald, Ordering Your Private World, Updated Edition, (Highland Books, Surrey, 1985, 2003), p. 170.
[2] Quote originally from Malcolm Muggeridge, Something Beautiful for God, (Image, Garden City, NY, 1977), p. 48, in MacDonald, Ibid, p. 171.
[3] MacDonald, Ibid, p. 171.
[4] Quote originally from Wayne E. Oates, Nurturing Silence in a Noisy Heart, (Doubleday, Garden City, NY, 1979), p. 3, in MacDonald, Ibid, p. 173.
[5] MacDonald, Ibid, p. 173.
[6] Catherine de Hueck Doherty. Poustinia: Christian Spirituality of the East for Western Man. Notre Dame, IN: Ave Maria Press, 1975. Revised edition with new subtitle: Encountering God in Silence, Solitude, and Prayer. Combermere, ONT: Madonna House, 2000. Quote available: http://www.hermitary.com/bookreviews/doherty.html
[7] Peter Senge, The Fifth Discipline: The Art and Practice of the Learning Organization, (Doubleday, NY, 1990, 1994).
[8] Senge, Ibid, p. 164.
[9] Quote is direct from Senge’s book but without page reference. Available online at: http://www.rtis.com/nat/user/jfullerton/review/learning.htm.
[10] 1 Corinthians 13:11 (NKJV).
[11] Dave Fleming, Leadership Wisdom from Unlikely Voices, (Emergent Youth Specialties Books, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2004), p. 45f.
[12] Fleming, Op cit, p. 45.
[13] Fleming, Ibid, p. 57.
[14] Fleming, Ibid, p. 57.
[15] Paul E. Koptak, The NIV Application Commentary: Proverbs, (Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2003), p. 122.
[16] Koptak, Ibid, p. 155.
[17] http://www.rtis.com/nat/user/jfullerton/review/learning.htm.
[18] Senge, Op cit, p. 142.

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Communicating Confidently Whilst Achieving Restraint

TO THINK ABOUT CONFIDENCE in communication is a dream for most; to be able to handle any situation socially or vocationally and hold a room, or hold the respect of someone esteemed – to be esteemed no less; what a great thing! What about having the utmost control over what we say and how we say it? We could all do with more restraint.

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We all have desires that need to be checked. Desire is good so long as it is balanced with love and justice, diligence and discretion. Often our desires can be overblown and are revealed to be this way or that way by our speech. What we say can get us into a heap of trouble! Or it can get us out of trouble.

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Desire is good if it can be caged by the right motivation – a right and loving concern for self and others. Rotary International has a decision-making tool that effectively illustrates the point. It’s called the “4-Way Test” that ensures the desire for action is balanced with everyone’s needs. With a motto of “service above self” it goes without saying that Rotarians are compelled to restrain their desires for the good of all. There’s is the 4-Way Test of the things they think, say and do:

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1. Is it the TRUTH?

2. Is it FAIR to all concerned?

3. Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?

4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

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This test is used as a discipline for all their decision-making. It was first used with success in between 1932 and 1937 as Herbert J. Taylor turned the Club Aluminium Company around from bankruptcy to success during, and following, the Great Depression.[1] This tool is timeless, and every much as relevant and powerful today as anytime. It continues to stand the test of time.

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The point is – and the reason it endures – it looks out for everyone’s best interest, not just the slick minority, the powerful, the cunning, or the influential. And this is the simple point in our confident communication; we can afford to be confident and at ease when we are a threat to no one! We don’t have to be an overlord with anyone.

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The trouble with our words is that they can’t be recalled like an errant e-mail before it is read. A couple of clicks after sending an e-mail and you have the power to recall it so long as the receiver hasn’t opened it yet. It’s not like that with our words in conversation with others; once it is said, once we speak, the listener “gets it” immediately, and if it’s negative and crass it’s too late, the damage is done!

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As the ancient proverbs indicate, discretion and prudence guards the hearts of both the sender and receiver of communication. It is so important to have the character that seeks to protect all parties. This sort of character has to be learned and earned in the rough and tumble of life – its driver is the right motivation geared to please God and not self. If we please God we please everyone including ourselves; if we try to please ourselves, no one wins, not even the person supposedly getting their own way.

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A good character regarding restrained speech is based in the fear of potentially upsetting the tenuous balance in our relationships. It’s the recognition that each person we encounter and have relationship with is a sovereign entity in that we all have unique significance to God himself. We’re all heavenly beings, spiritually speaking. We must respect all our neighbourly relationships for this exact reason; we hurt others, we hurt God.

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We can be best restrained and made more patient when we see love and justice as bigger and more relevant and attractive than we are in ourselves. The ‘true’ person sees this most if not all the time – yet, we all falter.

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It’s important to reinforce that a restrained character with the confidence to communicate with grace is learned – it cannot be “acquired” via a birthright!

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We can grow in wisdom but it requires time and sustained effort and study – and a propensity for resilience, to never give up.

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To be wise is to see how God sees and to want that reality in all situations.

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To be restrained is about not getting our own way – it’s foregoing the outcome we’d like and placing it back in God’s hands, recognising that it was never ours in the first place.

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It makes so much sense and saves so much pain when we hold back corrosive and caustic words in favour of a grace-filled, patient and loving approach.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] William Hodges & William G. B. Gant, The 4-Way Test: A Paper by Rotary International District Governor-Elect and Director, Rotary International. More information at www.rotary.org

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Choose Your Reality: Good or Not Good – Both Are Right

It’s true of life. We can focus on the ‘good’ or the ‘not so good.’ Both realities are correct. They are both real. You can “see” both if your mindset is in either frame. So which one will you choose? You’d be a fool to not go for the better one... that “Habit of Happiness.”

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Which approach to life will drive you? There is a field of organisational psychology called Appreciative Inquiry, and it is fascinatingly similar for organisations as the ‘Habit of Happiness’ is for marriages.

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If you’re married have you ever tried this technique? Be positive and see positive. Be negative and see negative. Everything you see in your spouse or partner is the way you see it.

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Focus on the positive, asking positive questions, making positive remarks, and always seeing the positive means you will begin to see even more positivity, in your relationships and in your world generally. The more thankful you are, for instance, the more things you see around you that make you feel thankful. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy.

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The amazing thing is that this phenomena is scientifically proven showing the “placebo effect” is alive and well in the world of perception and reality. This is a relatively mature organisational science that has as much application in personal life as it does for groups, teams and entire organisations.

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I have only just started learning about Appreciative Enquiry, so I expect to be writing more about this wonderful reality of thinking.

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Think about it for a moment. Why would you want to be negative and focus on the ‘not so good’ when you can choose to see the ‘good’ in order to see it even more and be even happier! It’s even contagious.

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Whatever your approach and attitude to life, know that what you choose to see is real for you.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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Step Parenting’s Answer – Develop the Friendship

There’s one thing we see in families more and more these days. Actually, it’s been around for most of the last half century, so it’s quite the norm – it is blended families. I don’t think there is one step parent, or step son or step daughter out there that thinks it’s a perfect situation. The reality is it’s far from perfect and requires quite a bit of work and commitment to get it to work, and then even more work to keep it going.

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So, when you find yourself in the situation of being a step parent, what’s going to work in building a relationship with your partner’s children? Well, that depends on a number of factors. This is not the subject of this article – dealing with all those many factors.

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I would like to share with you one thing I learned recently that makes a whole deal of sense and actually works.

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It involves the step parent not “becoming” Mum or Dad to the step son or daughter, but simply being their friend; being someone who is not intrusive, and who is able to nurture and build upon trust, creating an environment of mutual respect – this is friendship, in one short word.

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Some might say, “How can I be a friend with a kid, or a teenager?” For some, this doesn’t compute. I want to suggest that if you want success in your relationship with your partner, then investing positive time and effort into their children is a very good idea. Befriending them is a low-risk and sure-fire way of achieving success. Kids can smell a liar from a mile off, so do it in the most genuine, sincere and loving way you can. Put a lot of thought and consideration into it, and seek counsel and support from your partner.

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Love can’t be forced. You cannot just instantly “love” them; it doesn’t work like that. You can’t expect too much from yourself as far as having an intrinsic love toward your step child; and your partner can’t either expect too much either. It would be downright unfair to expect a child or teen to suddenly love a step parent. This sort of love takes years. Possibly, if you’ve come into the relationship early enough in your step child’s life, say when they were still an infant or toddler (below school age), you might have had the history and the time to develop such a love.

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One day at a time, work on gaining their trust and respect. This doesn’t make you inferior to them; it makes you their ally and advocate, someone they can rely upon in their hour of need. Gaining their trust and respect also means you diffuse any issue they might possibly have with you and they’ll see you as no threat. If you love your step child’s mum or dad, the only other barrier is how you treat the child themself or one of their siblings. Trust and respect go a long way in building loving relationships. Trust and respect are key risk management tools for relationships. Remember, trust and respect don’t work without love.

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Some short tips:

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- Don’t pressure your step child to call you “Mum” or “Dad”;

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- Offer the friendship unconditionally, after all love is unconditional;

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- Be patient and forgive well and whenever required. It starts with you. You can model the right attitude and behaviour;

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- Find ways you can spend time and ways you can help them, whether that be palying sport with them, chatting, or assisting with homework.

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Are you putting the sort of time, effort and commitment in to building a loving relationship with your step child? Are you at peace that you’re doing all you can to get you both there? It’s not too late if the answer is ‘no’ to both these questions. When you get it wrong, courageously say sorry and start over.

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Lastly, it’s so important to support your partner in the parenting task of their children. Though discipline for the children should be your partner’s responsibility (as the intrinsically trusted parent), you can be a listening ear, and quiet supporter. By support I mean, help them to do their job as a sole parent. At times this means putting your own needs on the backburner.

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Being a friend to a child is knowing the blessing of God.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

Marriage Success: Attending to the Primary Relationship

I have posited the theory of change before: things always do, change. This is no different with relationships. Whether we like it or not, even our closest relationships change for better and for worse. Acknowledging that this change occurs is both healthy and necessary in ensuring they stay on track, and are sustained. It’s a way of staying realistic about the dangers of relationship breakdown.

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Marriage is the issue here. Marriage is the closest human relationship. It is two people in love with each other, aligned in purpose and goal, giving of each other for the other; in theory at least, and certainly from the biblical standpoint, it’s a substantially selfless relationship.

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With the inevitable seesawing movement in any relationship, of which marriage is no exception, there is movement closer to, and away from, the spouse. This occurs in “seasons” of marriage; little two month/two year blocks of time that characterise a phase where one or both partners can explore things, usually passions, either alone or together — pushing them apart or bringing them closer together. At times, this brings welcomed space, and at other times, not. Another thing that happens to marriages at times is they break.

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A key principle that I was reminded of just recently is that of attending to the primary relationship in marriage. That is, ensuring that the husband and wife ensure their relationship, above all, is nurtured, attended to and given room to breathe, grow and sustain life. Like anything, this takes time, effort, discipline, perception and awareness, notwithstanding the will to get it going, and keep it going.

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Getting it right means temporarily, occasionally, and regularly putting the other needs on the backburner, for instance, children, career, material acquisitions, other relationships and pastimes, and investing in the two who chose to become one in blessed matrimony. It is the primary relationship and the solid foundation required for children; with Mum and Dad being strong and close and unified, Son and Daughter do not have the strong support base they need to be safe, protected and succeed; yes, the children will miss out if this primary relationship their Mum and Dad share is faltering. They will be missing this vital need.

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If you’re a guy, and I can say this because I am one, do the right thing and treat your marriage as your job; your most important job. I love it how Scott Haltzman M.D. puts it in his book, “The Secrets of Happily Married Men.”[1] (Wives might consider purchasing a copy and slipping it under their husband’s pillow? Not all men take the hint though.) Men typically take their job and careers very seriously, expending effort over a long time period to ensure sustained success.
Marriages also need this form of commitment. But, there is more. The marriage is the most important job, by far! It’s not to say marriages are a job only because they’re hard work, but it acknowledges the fact that they are: They are hard work, no matter who you’re married to.

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Marriage is the primary relationship within your family. It needs time, effort, encouragement, grace, space, breath... change, love, kindness, peace, work, study, time together, time alone, and a whole range of things we need to consider.

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Now for some hard questions to search your marriage by:

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· Are you currently placing your career above your marriage? Is it commanding more time from you than you signed up for? (Time commitment is always a good indicator.)

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· Are your kids getting too much of you? Typically a big issue for some mothers, is Dad being ‘squeezed out’ because the kids take the vital room within the ‘space’ of the marriage.

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· Is money imposing its demands on your marital situation?

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· Are there other important people encroaching on your marital space, whether that is parents, in-laws, buddies, friends, or others?

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· Do you have a pastime that pulls you away from your spouse?

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For any of these and more situations, there are signs that movement has occurred in the plates of your marriage. The choice is how to move back the plates so there is better alignment, before it is too late. Remember, some marriages break, and some marriages permanently weaken, leaving a lifeless couple (not to mention the kids) floundering through life, and you never want to go or “be” there.

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Be wise: Attend to your primary relationship, that one with your spouse.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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[1] This book is from Jossey-Bass, a Wiley Imprint, San Francisco, CA, First Edition, 2006.

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Ultimate Career Satisfaction: Your Job Is Your Playground

Do you like your job? If you’re studying, do you like the course you’re doing? If you’re like most people you probably ‘put up with’ your vocation, and are not nearly as satisfied with it as you wish you were. It’s like dealing with “Mondayitis.” It’s that emotional ‘illness’ that you get on a Sunday night prior to going to work Monday. Its symptoms are anything from grieving the end of your weekend, to not being able to stand the prospect of waking the following morning and facing the inevitable ‘Monday’ destination.

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Most of us have no idea how to enjoy our work or vocation, I mean really enjoy it; to actually look forward to going there, and getting involved and engrossed in what you do. It may seem a drag, or be plain boring, or there might be troublesome relationships to deal with—those sap our enthusiasm for work instantly. But just think, we’ll spend a quarter of our lives working for a living — we might as well enjoy it and not waste that substantial part of our lives, spending it in absolute misery.

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What do we need to do to change-up here, and realise some real job/course/career satisfaction? What makes the difference and gets us actually looking forward to getting up on Monday morning? How do we burst out of bed saying, “Okay Day, here I come!!”

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I remember getting a cute little note in my lunchbox once from a housemate that illustrates the point well. It wasn’t until lunch time arrived that I realised the note was even there. As I opened my lunchbox I noticed a strip of paper in it; “cool, a note,” I thought! The note said, “Be good and have fun playing nicely with the other boys and girls.” It made me laugh. I was in my mid- to late-thirties, studying at seminary, and I was reading something written for the kid in me. It’s brilliant what it did for me. It took me away from the serious adult world and made me see the fun in the moment, and the sheer wonder of being there.

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And this is what we need. The ability to lighten up around our work, and not take everything so seriously, is such an important mental attitude and character trait if we want longevity in anything worthwhile. This is real staying power. We need to be resilient, and we can’t be truly resilient without seeing our true self comfortable in the situation.

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Our career is our playground. It’s a place to have our most fun, and not be unstimulated and hate the whole experience. We need to work on our relationships at work and not be afraid of injecting appropriate humour into situations to help people laugh and enjoy their time with us. It’s our place in the world where we can be our most inventive, creative and productive. We’re in our positive “inner” child state when we’re creating and ‘playing.’ This is a great ‘place’ for an adult to be.

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Another great thing regarding our playground is we can enjoy “exploring” the things to do within it, and by that I mean, planning our day, week and month and deciding what we’d like to achieve; and also spending time reflecting on what we’ve achieved. It’s such a great feeling giving ourselves a little pat on the back for a task well done, or a project completed on time and on budget. We can even identify times and situations where others have helped in the achievement of these tasks and take time out to relate with them, our pleasure, encouraging them as we go.

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The career playground ‘philosophy’ is such a great corrective to stress in the workplace.

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You know you might as well enjoy it, work. You’ll be at it for 40-50 years. Got to love that thought, hey? I am not joking; you can.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

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Life wasn't meant to be easy

Former Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Fraser (1975-1983) was famously quoted for quoting George Bernard Shaw's, “Life wasn’t meant to be easy, my child, but take courage: it can be delightful!” It is rather unfortunate that Fraser only used the first line, which has a rather unsympathetic and hard feel to it. Shaw's quote, from his book, Back to Methuselah, is transformed by the second sentence. Fraser was to be quite roundly, and perhaps unfairly, criticised for the "snobby" sentiment with which the comment was couched.

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I recall first hearing Fraser's quote used by my mother. And she used it often. Or even it was often enough as a response to any reaction either myself or my siblings had to the 'rough justice' (skewed perception of the child) of upbringing. "Such is life," as Tom Collins also famously said.

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Yet this hard phrase is a truism. Life was never ever meant to be easy. It isn't easy for anyone. Each one of us has to suffer; some suffer more than others do, of course. Some suffer greatly because of the life choices they make, and some suffer greatly just by virtue of the life situation with which they've been placed. In other words, for the latter, it's not their fault.

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Life is about character growth. It's about faith. One who has no faith is bound to suffer more. One who has lots of faith will still suffer. In fact, the one with faith (who will incidentally also have courage, as faith and courage are synonymous) will be open to much more suffering in reality, though their faith covers much of it and it appears they suffer less. They simply have a better way of coping with the trials of life.

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Life was never meant to be easy... and don't forget the second bit. But take courage: it can be delightful. This is surely a marvellous revelation for anyone who can admit that life: is designed to be hard, to require faith, and courage, because help is near, for in the words of the prophet "Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain." (Isaiah 40:4) When we make a straight path for the LORD in our lives, he comes and makes things easier... not easy, just easier. The trouble is, for the person who doesn't believe in God, it requires even a mustard seed of faith to 'give it a try.' (Many can't risk their pride for the humility required to give God the moments he needs to make the difference in their life. A challenge: give him one real month. One real month where you courageously hand your life to him.)

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Life will never be easy. It is only designed to be easy when we have been given rite of passage into the next dimension: the ultimate dimension.

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What does it say to us now then? Perhaps a good way to look at it is this. 'If life is not easy for me, how hard is it for the poor unfortunate who has it even tougher than me?' It is a great blessing in life to know that there are literally millions of others on this earth, who for a myriad of reasons, are bereft of the comfort we ourselves live in every day. It is not a great blessing that others go without, but it is a great blessing that we might have much in comparison.

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Truly the most wonderful thing on earth is to help someone less fortunate than ourselves. This has nothing to do with material wealth. Some people are obscenely rich, yet spiritually they're very poor. A spiritual person can help this sort person; they are less fortunate. To help someone is to know God's blessing: his peace and contentment, his grace, his provision.

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Smile, life wasn't meant to be easy. Can you look into a mirror when the going is tough and smile and laugh? Things could be worse! Look around you. Look at what you have: your senses, your sense of humour, your ability to walk, talk etc. Now, this is making a leaping assumption that you have these things. I would apologise profusely, for instance, if you read this, but could not walk! Or could not talk! Or could not laugh, smell, see, hear, taste or touch!

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Life wasn't meant to be easy, but in truth, and proving God faithful, it can be delightful for the courageous person in each one of us.

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Take courage and look on the bright side.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

To the one I love...

SARAH IS MY EVERYTHING; pivotal to my happiness, contentment and wellbeing in this present life. I love her beyond compare, and I especially love what she's been able to achieve in me in our marriage. I can now be the sort of father I need to be for my girls. I am living my dream life, purely and simply, and Sarah is the key reason for this fact in my estimation.

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On this Valentines Day 2008, I want Sarah to know of a commitment I'm making to not only treat her like the Princess she is today, but I want to again treat her this way every day, like when we courted. I want to communicate my love. Each day we receive is a gift from God, and I want to use part of each day to hold Sarah up, admiring her, adoring her, and cherishing her!

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I want to contine to grow in gentleness, affection, and respectibility as I know these attributes in marriage with Sarah are the most valued commodities. I know that basically everything in marriage begins with me... if I treat Sarah well, love her like I love myself, allow her complete freedom of expression (to become truly "her own person" within our marriage)... and not require 'evidence' of return on investment; that that very thing, viz "ROI" comes of its own to me in Sarah's own unique way, well, we'll be gloriously happy and free.

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I have found that seeking results in marriage through my eyes only, is a recipe for disappointment... and it can only be that way. Sarah's way is so much fresher and brighter and newer, than I could think up in any event. I love it how simply we live, how well we eat, how much we love life. Life is a treat with Sarah.

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It isn't important to focus on anything but being gloriously happy and "in love." It's about keeping it simple and praising God, our covenant partner. Our marriage is a three-way deal with God in the centre. I am in love with my Princess. From vows to eternity it is "us."

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I am eternally thankful.

Expectations – Their Value and Falsity

Imagine this scenario. Say you’re getting married soon, and you have the rest of your life before you. You’ve picked out your dress or suit, made all the wedding decisions around venues for ceremony and reception etc; for all intents and purposes, it’s only a matter of time and you’ll be married. You’re so excited. Finally the day comes and all of a sudden you’re living your dream day; next thing you’re on your honeymoon with your new spouse—it’s wonderful. Then, as the honeymoon draws to a close you realise it’s finishing... What next? Oops! You forgot to plan for after the Wedding and you find that getting back into normal life is quite a challenge; all the excitement of becoming married has dissipated. As a result of this you end up sinking into a state of depression...

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Believe it or not this sort of thing happens, and it happens more than we think. We’ve had our expectations raised and then we’ve had to re-adjust them. The story I related above actually happened to me; perhaps it was “post-nuptial depression?” Are false expectations from an undisciplined mind, and a lack of disciplined thinking? Are they from a lack of planning, so expectations are created unknowingly and cause havoc when they surface?

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Unrealised expectations are one of the key reasons for depression and anxiety illnesses. When our expectations are not “fitted” to the eventualities that can reasonably occur we face the inevitable disappointment. Our expectations can cause trouble if they are not founded and grounded in established truth, and by ‘established’ truth I mean, the expectation must be held as a truth to everyone concerned. It is therefore established. It is true for all.

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Anything that can actually occur, and there are many results possible in life situations, must be enshrined in truth—it can happen, therefore it is of truth. Yet, the problem is we hold out for one or perhaps two results. That’s all we can see. We say, “This will happen, and if not, this other thing will surely happen.” The truth is our perception is so limited; we cannot possibly see everything. That’s being realistic.

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We could do worse than analyse our expectations. Are they from truth i.e. what you know to be true; are they from your effective communications with others i.e. you have negotiated a position that both parties agree with—so both parties have sound expectations of both party’s responsibilities etc.

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When we believe in a plan so much, to the exclusion of all other possibilities we leave ourselves wide open to disappointment. It’s fraught with danger. At times we have such great expectations they can only come to ruin. We dream of outcomes that are in all reality well beyond our talents and capabilities, or have such a low likelihood of occurring. What comes when we don’t realise these dreams is discontent; and it is so unnecessary. Dealing with disappointment is always difficult; we must somehow remain realistic, reasonable, and rational.

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Perhaps the wisest way to deal with ‘the disappointment’ is to simply have faith, placing our trust in God. There’s no alternative method that comes even close to this when you consider how important it is to reclaim your positivity and self-empowerment. You can go one way or the other, the right way or the wrong way. The choice is pretty simple really, though many choose the hard/wrong way.

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No matter how hard the right way is going to be, it is the only way you really want to go. The so-called “easier” option is a trap. You will be trapped in your disappointment and be left eventually in a far worse place within your mind and heart. Why go the way of extending the pain when a trip in the ‘truth of faith’ gets it over and done with and settles it the best and cleanest way possible. Once you’ve dealt with something one way, i.e. in the truth, it is easier the next time, to face it in truth again, as you’ve already acknowledged it. This is a solid corrective to denial.

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It takes faith and courage to live this way consistently. In my experience, it is the only way to live. Trying not to expect too much, being quietly patient and “surprisable” is a key to life contentment. Once you’ve genuinely tried this way of living you won’t return because you’ll see such powerful results. There can be no better way of living life than in the reality of truth.

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The only wise way to live this uncertain life is one-day-at-a-time, and even better still, one-moment-at-a-time. I abbreviate these concepts as ODAAT and OMAAT. They are keys to life success and peace in that we never get too far ahead of ourselves. The unfortunate thing in life is we’re often striving too far ahead, planning and manipulating things that are a week away or even a month away. We need faith to understand that we can’t influence things from that far out.

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We must plan but if we get too “locked in” to our plans we stand to be disappointed, and something worse, we can be found to be stubbornly clinging to our own ideas of things. We need to learn to be more flexible than that.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.