Relational Wisdom Speaking Truth in Love

Where Christian spirituality and emotional intelligence (EQ) merge is in speaking truth in love.  The Apostle Paul (Ephesians 4:15) can be credited with situating this relational wisdom in the realm of faith.

As a peacemaking trainer and mediator using PeaceWise principles, all of Christian living in terms of relationships is grounded in this concept.  

Our task in conflict is
to speak the truth in love,
God’s job is to change hearts
(including our own).

But speaking the truth in love is the hardest thing to achieve because we must first attain knowledge of the truth, then have the courage to speak the truth with the humility of loving (and listening to) others, often with opposing views.  

The first requirement is having the wisdom of discerning the truth properly.  The second requirement is the character to balance courage in action with humility of poise.  To speak truth it must BE truth.  In the milieu of relationship, it must be a truth that others are capable of seeing as truth, too.  

Speaking truth to power in wisdom
involves humility brokered in love.

Pairing the courage of speaking a discerned truth with the kindness, gentleness, patience — common (or uncommon) grace — which is love, which of these is most challenging?  Both are!

It is hard to discern truth and then have the courage to speak it.

It is hard to execute relational self-control, especially when we’re passionate about the truth, or we’re motivated by seeking justice or righting injustice.

Which is harder?  Does it matter?  Both are challenging, and anyone who thinks they aren’t could be dangerous in relational settings.  It’s too easy for any of us to think we’ve got the market cornered in speaking truth or loving people, and especially combining the two.

Speaking the truth in love
is the quintessence of relational wisdom.

The more we revere the spiritual maturity required and respect the emotional intelligence needed, the closer we come to speaking the truth in love.  

Carrying the Peace called Sabbath-Rest

I don’t know a sensible person who doesn’t want peace, or more exactly, more peace.  Some call it happiness, others contentment, but it’s best referred to as peace — that sense of satisfied wholeness and quiet enjoyment wherever life’s at, whatever we’re doing.

Ever since I wrote this in 2010, I have believed it’s possible to carry this peace called, Sabbath-Rest.  This Sabbath-Rest transcends concepts related to a day-off-per-week.  Its realisation in us, its practice in life, is an extraordinary experience and gift.  

But the challenge of life is it’s inevitably devoid of peace.  Whether it’s frustrations with things not going our way, the relentlessness of life, or dreams not working out as we’ve desired, our default way is a life without peace.  Not to mention the pain of grief or trauma we may carry that can and does easily overwhelm all sense of serene spirituality at different times.

This is why we need a peace within
that comes from outside ourselves.

A peace that comes from God.

So what is this Sabbath-Rest peace?  

Knowing and appreciating the price of grace, thankful for a thing that we could not do for ourselves, we gaze heavenward and smile despite our circumstances, for the distinct possibility of gratitude.

Gratitude is a thing we can carry with us, despite our circumstances.

An unanxious presence we can practice, despite our circumstances.  

Perhaps these things are not perfected, but we make progress toward them.

These are practical considerations that are further underpinned by a theological foundation — that each of us HAS, as in we possess, everything we could ever want or need — no matter our life circumstances.  

The basis here is we have been found
wholly worthy of our Maker’s love.  

Even though we may so often feel we’re unworthy, we are ascribed the perfect and incorruptible worth of God because of Jesus.  

The interesting thing about concepts of self-worth is the more worthy we may pretend we are, the more we lie to ourselves.  Supreme self-worth cannot come from inside us as something we produce; too much of our lives attest to the opposite truth — people’s unkindness, just for one instance.  Caring people cannot help feel THEY themselves, personally, are the problem — “Somehow I must not be worthy of their kindness.”  Or the opposite problem rises up in us: “How dare they!”  In our anger we may remind others how ‘unworthy’ they are!  And the unfair treatment we receive or mete out makes anxiety rise up, conflicts abound, and that stress when unmanaged makes our lives worse.

Once we fully absorb the truth of our innate worth in God, we begin to be able to access the Sabbath-Rest, which is peace we’ve never had, a peace that can be carried, as we think, say and do right things by faith. 

Negating what the psychologists call cognitive dissonance, our actions align with our inner value set.  Everyone with a conscience judges themselves.  When we think, say and do right things by faith, feeling a sense of worth from God, our worth increases because our right thoughts, words and actions please God, and we FEEL His pleasure.  The more we live like this, the better our relationships form and grow.

All this is foundational, and still carrying a Sabbath-Rest with us is a choice, a practice, an ever-present opportunity that requires intentionality to enter and remain in, just as Jesus says, “Remain in Me” (John 15).

Still what is intrinsically foundational in carrying the Sabbath-Rest with us is centred beautifully in verses like Philippians 3:10-11, as Paul says:

“I want to know Christ — yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.”

This certainly speaks of an unspeakably good eternal rest for those in Jesus.  But it is more, much more.  These words herald the essence of Christian faith itself — how to think, say and do right things by faith.

We all want to live with power, and the foundation of this power, I would argue, is peace — living in harmony with one’s life, the people in one’s life, accepting the things we cannot change, speaking truth in love, indwelt with joy and hope.

Where this all makes sense is in this concept.  When our expectations for ourselves and our lives have been met at the cross, when we have no other bargaining to do with God other than to say, “Thank you for giving me all I need in salvation.”  Everything else is a bonus.  This is what I think Paul was getting at in Philippians.

As Christians, our expectation is death, for when we were apart from God we were dead in our sins.  We felt hopeless and peace felt a hell of eternities away.  As we face death to our worldly desires, there we find life in Christ.

This new life we have in Christ comes with
a Sabbath-Rest that we carry with us.

The Sabbath-Rest is thinking, saying and doing right things.  

An example of this is we refuse to covet things greedily, we abandon lust, we repent of our anger, we identify and dispose of our biases a moment at a time, we overcome our sloth, and we cease envying.  Importantly, we cannot do the things in the preceding sentence without a heart like Paul’s who said in desperation:

“I want to KNOW Christ.” 
It is ALL he wanted.  

The more we give up what we cannot keep,
the more we stand to gain what cannot be lost.

Our salvation cannot be lost, and
everything we would want comes from it.

Resurrection power comes from happily
approaching and enduring our crosses.

The meaning of life is opposite to what we think, folks!

Give up what you cannot keep and
you will gain what you cannot lose.

“Consider it pure joy, when you face trials of many kinds”

“It works when you work it.”

This is a truth from AA I learned is always true.  It speaks to faith.  And simplest put, faith works.

One of the incredible things about the Bible is some of the things written in it.  Astounding things.  Think on this one: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds…” (James 1:2)

Pure joy… when facing trials… of many kinds.

Not ‘if’ but WHEN.

It’s an absolute absurdity, the receipt of joy when we are otherwise defeated.  Absurd perhaps but nonetheless true, situational on the moment’s turning.  Conditional upon the joy is the acceptance of defeat.  In other words, it’s only when we admit we cannot control what we feel we need to control that we gain access to a hope that feeds joy and peace.  As Oswald Chambers put it, it’s ‘strength for the minute.’

We don’t receive joy in the pit of our ongoing misery.  Only as we die to ourselves, only as our dreams die for a bigger goal.  The goal is tomorrow.  It is the horizon.  A hope; that’s hope.  

Hope has a way of carrying us over the thresholds
of the disasters that would otherwise destroy us.  

“Later on,” Hebrews 12:11 says, we receive a “harvest of righteousness and peace.”  Later on, we’re vindicated.

I think of the times of my deepest pain, seasons that lasted months, even a year or three, seasons that were unrelenting in their tyranny, yet seasons where hope carried me.  Hope beyond the horizon—faith to step fuelled by hope.

Those seasons I would not have gotten through without faith in Jesus, seasons so replete with suffering, day after day of fear, periods so punctuated with all kinds of grief, times fully defined by despair—yet with a choice each day, to turn toward Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, a moment’s hope is an ever present option.

When I’m suffering the typical bouts of fear and doubt symptomatic in hardships and trials, it can seem impossible to make the choice for joy; but as soon as I turn toward Jesus, in that same action I’m reminded I cannot control the situation I’m in other than to accept what I cannot change and have faith through it.  A smile can form even as I face the truth of my pain; a teary smile so many times.  

There is joy because the Bible says it’s possible. 
Believe it’s possible and suddenly belief turns to reality.

There is one clear thing about, “Consider it pure joy… whenever you face trials of many kinds…”  We know in our humanity that we cannot maintain it without continually turning back to our Christ.  Nobody could maintain such an adroit relationship with suffering other than Jesus, Himself.  But as disciples we’re committed to following the way Jesus lived.

The purest joy is knowing what Jesus
has done for each and every one of us.

It’s the purest joy to know
it’s possible to follow Him.

One last thing I’m learning.  Trials still come even when we’re in the seeming best periods of our lives.  Such is the average human life.

The Enemy’s Voice Mocks Obedience

Those who call God their Saviour in Christ Jesus are led by the Master’s inaudible voice (the leading of the Spirit); they may also hear the belittling, accusing, mocking ‘voice’ of the enemy of God—who mocks the obedience of the faithful one by discouraging them in their spirit.  

It can take some discernment to determine whether we’re being rebuked by God or mocked by the enemy.  But if we have acted in obedience—especially bold obedience—it is commonplace that the enemy will diminish our obedient acts.  

Our acts of obeying God’s spiritual direction—our being led by God’s Spirit—will often be audacious, so it’s easy for the enemy to say to our conscience: “Why did you do that… Did you not do it for your own glory?”  In these ways, our obedience is denigrated by the mocking spirit of the enemy.  

The enemy also uses what we think other people are thinking against us.  Of course, how can we ever know what other people are thinking?  Unless they tell us.  But we still commonly succumb to believing we know what they’re thinking, when we can’t.

Our obedient acts will often be instinctual—led by the Spirit Himself—done for Him, through His leading, by Him, through us.  There is no pride or self-seeking in these acts.  It’s in our flesh that we second-guess those instinctual obedient acts.  

Enlisting Psalm 139:23-24 (“Search me, God, and know [reveal to me] my heart, test me and know [reveal to me] my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”) is one way we can check our motives.  But oftentimes instinctive acts to bless others or situations cannot (or should not) be denigrated by anyone.

It’s easy to be discouraged into timidity by the threatened enemy for plain expressions of courageous faith.  It’s very important, therefore, to be sure that our obedience does indeed please God.  The last thing God wants are the obedient deeds of His people diminished by the accuser; for those God would wish to be encouraged be discouraged.

Perhaps we can benefit by knowing God is saying to us when we obey Him, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:23)

The mark of a “Good” Christian

There is one easy way of telling followers of Jesus apart from those who otherwise call themselves “Christian” but always fall short.  The “good” Christian knows they fall short and this is what sets them apart.  The “good” Christian is, of course, a devoted disciple, a follower of Jesus—in other words, they do what Jesus commands:

“A new command I give you: love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35)

The mark of a “good” Christian is not their quoting of Bible verses but it’s their doing the will of God; loving others is about maintaining mutually beneficial relationships, especially reflecting over times when we have wronged people (even in small ways) and repenting of these deeds through apology, repentance, making restitution, seeking forgiveness. 

Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)—in mourning our own sin, living truthfully before God, we receive God’s compassion because we have done what is right.  “... a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise,” King David prayed in Psalm 51:17.

The mark of a “good” Christian isn’t having one’s theology all squared away but it’s the genuine commitment to identify the idols in one’s own heart, and being humble enough to see them rising up and harming our relationships.

The mark of a “good” Christian isn’t being able to “win” a person to Christ as much as it is to be a true loving and trustworthy example of who Jesus is to the one being won to our Lord.

The mark of a “good” Christian is not “adding” something “impressive” to the cross and resurrection of Christ—for nothing of ourselves is sufficient for salvation.  The mark of a “good” Christian is seeing in others that God delights in them, and treating them the same way, as bearers of His glorious image.

The mark of a “good” Christian is the capacity to quickly own the wrong thing we do, getting the log out of our own eye (Matthew 7:3-5), but if a Christian prefers to judge another person rather than seeing their own sin, how can they please God?

How do we love one another more than relating well with one another, proving that we are safe and reliable to relate with, proving that we are worthy of another’s trust, capable of holding the other person’s interest as importantly as our own?

The mark of a “good” Christian is the constant commitment, in fact, to repentance, to constantly turn one’s face back to the face of the living God who has cast His grace on us.

The mark of a “good” Christian, therefore, is the fruit of their repentance, which is the fruit that they rely on God, that they take God seriously in terms of the grace that’s been given to them—that free gift we cannot attain otherwise.

The mark of a “good” Christian is that, in your deeds, you can “value others above yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)  The only way we can assess ourselves on this metric is by putting ourselves at the mercy of others, like, “Do you actually feel I value you above myself?”  This is a reality that other people feel is real for them, or not.

Above all, the “good” Christian is noticed by the world (i.e., “everyone will know that you are my disciples”) for the way he or she treats their fellow Christian, and how they treat all people: their commitment to love God by loving all people, being quick to live humbly, love mercy, and do justice that brings peace.

The “good” Christian appreciates the equal but opposite truths: they are saved by grace through their faith (Ephesians 2:8) yet they realise that God sees everything they do.  They know they need do nothing to “impress” God yet they live in the cognisance of His omniscience.  Saved by grace for the opportunity to truly follow Jesus.

For the “good” Christian, if a venture or status falls, it falls and they let it.  That is hard, for anyone truly feels the sting of betrayal or rejection.  But “good” Christians strive to let their ego fall away.  It certainly isn’t worth what most of us are prepared to do to fight for the injustice bestowed on us.  Yes, it is hard.  But doable, for the “good” Christian.