There’s a time to stop apologising

I can recall a time in my life, a long while ago now, when a couple of wise advisors told me point blank to stop apologising in a particular situation.  I’d been operating on the concept that if I owned my contribution to the conflict, the other person would reciprocate, but of course, that doesn’t always happen.

There are times when people reciprocate our contrition and they answer to the effect, “Well, it wasn’t ALL your fault, I could have done better, too.”  These times, trust increases as reconciliation is achieved in tears and hugs.

But what about those times when the other person doesn’t reciprocate?

Do we keep apologising?  Do we continue being the first person to apologise and continue to experience their lack of apology where it’s warranted?

When we continue apologising in the hope our apologies might create reflection in the other person, the reverse can easily occur.  We may send the message that, “Well, it’s good they can see they’re wrong, it means I’m clear.”  We don’t ‘love the other person well’ when we take all the responsibility for the fault lines in the conflict.

Somehow, we need to have the poise to resist fawning, and I say this as someone as a serial fawner.  I’ve learned a lot though in recent years, and it really is about having the poise and conviction to know when you’ve done enough.

You’ve done enough when you’ve reflected and been honest about your shortcomings.

You’ve done enough when you’ve considered the impact on the other person.

You’ve done enough when you’ve made your apology and you stay sorry.  It doesn’t mean you need to keep saying sorry.  And that shouldn’t be expected of you.  BUT staying sorry does mean we don’t rescind our sincerity for the original apology.

Too many people are in lopsided relationships where they take the majority or all the responsibility for conflicts had.  Too many patterns are formed where one ‘weakens’ and the other stubbornly waits long enough for the weakening to occur, again, and again.  Too many principles are surrendered in the wish that harmony would enter a relationship where another person has no such desire.  Too many profit from the ‘grace’ a gentle person is prepared to give — over and again.  Too many prisoners to pride exist because one person folds a moment or a month too soon.

But this isn’t about blaming the one who has a good heart.  Good hearts are exploited routinely by those who have entitlement complexes.  Empathetic people naturally wear a lot of the brunt of responsibility — why?  Because they can.  Because they have great emotional and relational strength.  Because they WANT their relationships to heal.  Because they’re always willing to do their bit to repair the brokenness in a strained relationship.  Because they’re gracious individuals.  And because they want the best.

There’s a time to stop apologising.  It’s a thing to consider if we identify with this.  If you experience regret for initiating a gracious encounter yet it’s unrequited.  If you regret being the first person to fold, again and again.  If you see little reflection and accountability in the other person.  If you can see a pattern develop in the conflicts that occur that reveal unequal yoking in the taking of responsibility.