Inability to confess, apologise, repent – the biggest red flag

We who see injustice see a person do certain things that shouldn’t be done, things that could be forgiven if only they were owned, if only they were lessons to be learned.

For the person who has neither interest nor willingness in being held to account, cannot and/or will not see their wrong, and will not apologise with any genuineness of heart, they wave the biggest red flag.

Any apology will be a minimisation of the situation, a veiled justification for the context, and a platform for their own self-righteousness.  They will use the moment to promote themselves, mostly to distract and deflect, but also to look good, because nothing else is in the frame of their self-concept.  The pitiful thing is it is often believed!

They will not own the original act, because it’s an admission of fault, and apart from not being able to enter their shame because they are scared of it, an admission of fault is an admission of fallibility.  With no concept of humility, a person like this cannot apologise.

So with people like this we must have low expectations.  We can’t expect an apology that will satisfy the needs of the situation; that is a sincere enough apology that we can tell their heart is in it.

With low expectations around apology, our intent must be on another goal.

The goal certainly isn’t reconciliation, even if that is the biblical best.  With people who can’t or won’t apologise, reconciliation is a bridge too far.  One person, or one party, cannot broker reconciliation.

The goal can, however, be centred around the truth, and if we can’t broker a peace through reconciliation, surely we can broker peace through the freedom that comes from truth.  It’s a peace those who are healing opt into, just as it’s a peace the perpetrator opts out of.  Those who heal, heal because of their alignment with truth.  Perpetrators despise truth, so anyone who despises the truth, who are they?

The freedom that comes from truth is a freedom that sees us in a healed state without any hope or actuality of reconciliation.  This is because the truth shines forth.  And like the noonday sun is a beacon of light that cannot be darkened and that showers the earth with beams that show nature off, truth bears witness to a reality that speaks of the lies within the lack of apology and repentance.

Truth is its own vindicator.  The goal is to stand in the truth, and that often requires us to wait for the truth, because as we all know, the truth comes last.  But don’t be discouraged because the truth always vindicates those who are in the truth.  The truth is a perfect and an irrepressible vindication.

The inability to confess, apologise, and repent, is the biggest red flag of all.  All relationships are wise to test the bounds of apology, to assess the heart of the other to see if it is capable of the humility required to simply apologise and bear sufficient responsibility to repent.