Writing wedding vows and more importantly keeping them

Whether they’re called an oath, a covenant, or vows matters much less than their substance and the keeping of it or them.  Imagine the power between two parties who keep their word!  Of course, we only need to browse the Bible to see how God made covenants with us and how we frequently broke them.

For the wedding vows, on the other hand, it’s hoped they are meaningful, and a great enough motivation for the keeping of them.  For a couple who hold them close to their hearts.

Let me say first and foremost that marriage was always designed for both parties to be equal under God.  There is no such thing as a man having the right of way, or leadership, or anything else over the wife, because that’s God’s prerogative alone.  It’s a bit like how often we use the “Proverbs 31 Woman” image to put pressure on wives when there is no such contrastive image to put pressure on husbands.  Just doesn’t seem right to me.

I want to keep returning to the concept of two equally motivated, committed, and humble partners in marriage, because without two equally motivated, committed, and humble partners in marriage, marriage doesn’t stand a chance.

There is little wonder there is so much divorce when we consider the abuse and neglect that occurs in far too many marriages.

A marriage where there are two equally motivated, committed, and humble partners is indicatively a marriage where vows were taken and they’re keenly observed.

Vows are a great way to prepare for marriage,
just as they are a great way to prosper in marriage.

It is now that I hand us over to a structure for the writing of vows from my wife, one of the most committed people I know regarding marriage vows.  She customarily frames couples’ vows as a gift to them having taken a photograph of their ring-adorned hands adjacent the wedding certificate.

Notice the combination of these symbols of marriage: wedding rings, marriage certificate, and wedding vows.  These symbols are the centrepiece of the unity in marriage, a unity depicted by two equally devoted partners, and God as the third person in a “trinity” which is a force to be reckoned with in this world.  Similarly, there is the image of a cord of three strands that is not easily broken—from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

Rings signify the continuous, unending nature of love that never fails, and they are a physical symbol that each partner wears on the hand to remind them of their marriage.  The marriage certificate is the document that symbolises the covenant the two have made before God to each other and to witnesses.  And the vows are the spiritual underpinning—the very heart—of those two more graphic symbols: the rings and the certificate.

When vows are adhered to, when both partners take them seriously, continuing to abide by them, both partners are a gift to the other, a gift of commitment above all else.

When it comes to crafting the vows, each partner must think intentionally about what they have that they wish to give to the other.  The structure that my wife handed me has a response in the vows to the traditional consent each partner gives as they enter into the marriage covenant.

The first part of the structure is a sentence or two that responds to the part of the consent that says, “for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health.”  A meaningful way of saying this is, “I promise to persevere when times get tough, knowing that any challenges we might face, we will conquer them together.”  Marriages are tested under strain, just as lives are.  It’s the “for worse... for poorer... in sickness” parts of any marriage that feel like a crucible for silver.

The second part of the structure answers the last part of the consent, “to love and to cherish.”  A couple might craft vows that say, “I promise to respect, admire and appreciate you for who you are, as well as for the person you wish to become.”  For me, that says, “I love and cherish you.”

The final part of the consent includes the words, “from this day forward until death parts us.”

Vows don’t need to be long and elaborate, but they should be meaningful to the couple who are avowing their love for the rest of their lives to their partner.

Again, it must be said, that if both partners are willing to abide by their vows, a successful marriage it will become, but obviously the keeping of vows is best judged by the other fair-minded partner.

Partners to marriage, therefore, ought to be humble enough to seek the feedback of the other to the extent of the question, “Am I loving you in accordance with my vows?”

Both partners must be able to answer this question honestly and with a heart for the other.

A marriage where one or both partners proudly hold that they are holding up their end, yet the other doesn’t think so is a marriage of insanity heading for divorce.  In these situations, as a counsellor, there’s nothing that can help a couple like this.  It’s a conflicted marriage at best, and at worst it’s abusive.

The tenets of peacemaking in the resolution of conflict apply so much in marriage.  If both partners can get the log out of their own eye, staying in their own stuff without meddling in the other’s stuff, there is potential for growth in both as individuals.