My heart as a counsellor

I claim nothing special other than the call of my life, based out of my experience of being deconstructed in order that God would reconstruct me (a process that began nearly 20 years ago for me).  Out of that reconstruction I have my basis as both a pastor and counsellor.  I serve in both these capacities contingent on what I’ve received; so that others, too, would have their opportunity to receive the mentoring and counsel that I once received.

That’s it.  I am nothing else than who I am in the hands of a gracious God who would have the audacity to use someone like me.  Of course, I have what God has given me, particularly my life experiences, and these are often complementary in terms of both empathy and for sharing.

My aim is to be unimpressive.  To get out of God’s way in the process of simply being present and making copious room for the other(s) I’m privileged to join along the journey.

On occasion, my wife is called into the throng and her gifting and calling, whilst similar to mine, are expressed in a different way.  We’re both staunchly egalitarian.  And even though I have pastoral supervision and mentors, my wife is also skilled as my primary support—doesn’t work for all ministry marriages, but it works for us.  So it can be seen that I’m teachable within marriage and ministry.

I’m egalitarian for the basic reason that men are no better than (or equipped) for leadership than women are.  It takes quite an extraordinary man to live up to the standards of biblical complementarianism, and I honestly haven’t seen many men who can “lead” in the home to honour the biblical theory of complementary marriage.  And indeed, the opposite is a huge and common danger—that a man who is “head” is liable to abuse such a mantle.

My belief in egalitarianism extends beyond singling out gender roles.  It extends into the realms of power that are commonly misused, in marriages, in churches, in employment settings, etc.  There is only ONE power that is above all—that’s God.

The best systems for human interactions—and I contextualise this here regarding my counselling methods—are based on collaboration and the discerning together the right way.  There is space for everyone’s voice.  There is space to disagree.  There is also a right to feel safe, even at home to BE oneself, being honoured and respected we each reciprocate that with and to others.

I believe that God helps the counselling process when a person is honest and owns their responsibility.  This is the theology of repentance, of turning back to God.  Where people want to be helped yet can’t or won’t be honest, the help I offer will be completely ineffective.  For the person who has done all their owning, a person at the end of their tether because they can do no more, I’m a source of validation and encouragement.

I believe that God is often found amid trauma, loss, and recovery.  I believe that experiencing healing in these is foundational to credibility and empathy as a counsellor.  I believe that a counsellor who has experienced healing and is humble enough to know they’re still in recovery is the key asset someone on that journey needs as a collaborator.

I believe in an inexhaustible grace for the humbled.  For those who struggle to forgive themselves.  For those who too easily see themselves as forgiven, yet those who engage in continuing to damage others, I don’t work with those, for there is no spiritual insight yet.

I believe, however, that everyone is a 10-out-of-10 in God’s eyes, and my role is to explore my biases when I plunge into judgement for any reason.

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I think counsellors can do a lot of good when they’re humble and servant hearted.  I see myself as a helper for those who ask my help.  I call it a privilege to help another or others.  I am foremost a servant.