When failing to care becomes a form of spiritual abuse

The love affair the church has had with “leadership” and “church growth” concepts, as opposed to a plain focus on the shepherding of souls, has meant some people feel their pastors have failed them.

That might seem overly critical and harsh, and in many situations it will be, so my apologies in advance if this doesn’t apply to you.

But as a general point, there is a lot to be said about churches, pastors, and Christian leaders who performed a tacit though nonetheless potent form of spiritual abuse when they failed to care for people who needed a shepherd.

Let’s contextualise the church as an organisation akin to a flock of sheep that are to be shepherded, a place where people can come close to God through worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry, and mission.  All this occurs out of effective giving and receiving of pastoral care.

Let’s also position this article in the context of this astute teaching from Heather Smith:

“If the people you most trust, who are “connected” to God, don’t hear you, you will grow up struggling to feel heard and valued by God... or anyone else for that matter.”

The failing that Ms. Smith identifies here is being in a position to support but failing to give that support.  Say, when those who are trusted most to lead a person closer to God push the person away.  Simply failing to listen to a person can do that.

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Some of the gifts the church has traditionally prized highly compared with the more fundamental caring gifts that are easy to overlook:

Their pastors may have been gifted orators, but the care of a pastor cannot always be delivered from the platform.  The point is many pastors are not naturally gifted at preaching, but if preaching is what the church values—and the evangelical church has traditionally prized preaching ability above all else—the pastor will put most of their time, effort, and energy into getting their preaching right.  More time, effort, and energy on that, in many cases, than being a pastor to their people, many of whom are hard to pastor (caring for people isn’t easy but that’s the gig!).

Their pastors may have been inspiring visionaries, equipped to build the church, but if they haven’t invested their time, effort, and energy into discipling their people, the people don’t heal, and they don’t grow, and no matter how many numbers are added, the church doesn’t grow.

Their pastors may have been diligent administrators, running finances and meetings and managing programs, controlling the budgets, but if they couldn’t be present with a person in the moment of their pain, the transformational objects of the church wither in favour of the transactional.

Their pastors may have been skilled delegators, getting groups and other people to conduct visits and meeting people’s needs, but people resent acute pastoral care being outsourced to others.  Lay people don’t always have the time, skill, or energy.  And sometimes people just need their pastor to be a pastor.

Their pastors may have been able to communicate to the masses, but if a pastor can’t listen effectively, they don’t seize on the opportunity of care, and they create harm, especially when people who need care express their disappointment.  (All pastors ought to be humble enough to absorb parishioners’ disappointments and where necessary process it with a supervisor.  So much harm has been done to people through leaders who couldn’t humbly listen to feedback.)

Their pastors may be well-read and shrewd theologians, but if they spend more time reading books than caring for people their apportionment of time needs tweaking.

Their pastors may be savvy networkers, but pastoring is more about people than strategy—especially in God’s economy where faith, trust, and surrender are the main strategy.

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The functions of the church are at a crossroad, and perhaps in the light of our wrong prioritisation of “leadership” and “church growth” we can see the right priority emerge—that is the hard graft of the care of souls who seek healing.

The fact is the church is the central assembly of people on a spiritual journey with their God.  A lot of the relating with God occurs as believers meet with one another.  If care is not experienced, if there is no listening or little space for the depths of life to emerge, the church has failed to play its part in the transformation of the individual.

Churches and Christian organisations that fail in these areas are probably run by individuals who themselves are not transformed in a real way by experiences of suffering that sanctify and fashion them as transformed.

The best thing any Christian leader can do is reflect honestly on those they failed to care for.  Not to inflict guilt but as an opportunity to grow.

It may well lead to the redemptive opportunity of making amends, but it takes much character (humility and courage) for Christian leaders to admit they failed to care and then to be intent on addressing those issues as best they can.

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The failure to care is a form of spiritual abuse because those who miss out didn’t receive the healing they needed, that they sought, from those who ought to have been trustworthy.